Chapter Seven: Look After You 3/3

I sat up quickly and glared at him.

“I told you,” he said, “It’s cold.”

“Then you roll over,” I demanded.

He looked away from me, “No.”

“So, it’s okay for you to spoon me, but not for me to spoon you?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I won’t be able to sleep if you are behind me,” I stated, “I’ll feel better if I can see you.”

“Then I won’t be able to sleep.”

I made a face at his words, “Haven’t you done this before?”

He pretty much turned his head away from me.

“Oh,” I said, “So you fuck, then run?”

He growled, “It isn’t like that.”

“Sounds like it,” I stated.

He didn’t say anything.

“Michael,” I said, “Seems like we’re at an impasse.”

Again, he didn’t say a word.

“Hey,” I hissed, “You know why it bothers me, why does it bother you?”

“You will take it the wrong way,” he stated.

“Then we’ll cuddle in anger,” I stated.

He took in a breath.

“So?” I asked impatiently.

“I know exactly what type of girl I attract,” he stated, “I can’t bring myself to let my guard down.”

“And how am I different?” I asked.

“I’d like to think I can trust you.”

I sighed.

“You can,” I stated, “But if you get a boner while I’m sleeping, and I feel it, I am going to freak the fuck out.”

He let out a small laugh.

“I’m not kidding.”

“I know you aren’t,” he said, “But I can’t help how my body reacts.”

“Then stop laughing at me,” I demanded.

His smile faded, and I could see that trust wasn’t his only worry. Of course, I know the body does what the body does, it’s the person that decides what to do about it.

“What is it?” I asked, just above a whisper.

“You’ll stare.”

“At what?” I asked.

He didn’t respond.

“If you’re referring to your scars,” I said, “It only fair if I see them once, you’ve seen mine.”

“Through a camera,” he stated.

“You’ve also felt them.”

When the words left my mouth, I remembered his hand between my legs.

“This is different.”

“How the fuck is this different?”

I was getting angry. It wasn’t like I was going to violate him like he violated me.

“I care if you see them.”

I glared down at him, and even his chest was covered by the blanket.

“You think I didn’t care?” I asked, “You are the only one that knows about them.”

He was the only one here that did.

He stared at the ceiling.

I didn’t want to be in this room anymore, I didn’t want to be alone with him. I wasn’t even tired right now. I was nervous, I was frustrated, and I just didn’t want to look at him.

How can his pain be more important than mine?

He’s selfish, he only thinks about himself.

I wrapped my arms around myself, and I felt stupid. He gave me his shirt.

He had to know that this might happen.

Did he want me to know? Of course, he didn’t, he hoped I’d let him spoon me.

“We are different,” I said, “But you said so yourself, you can trust me.”

“Not with this.”

I felt hurt by his words, but I didn’t let him being an ass stop me.

“I won’t look,” I promised.

“Yes, you will,” he said flatly.

“Is that really the problem?” I asked, sounding irritated.

“Girls see you naked, don’t they?” I asked, “Don’t they ask you about them?”

“That’s when they leave,” he stated, “I don’t cuddle because they touch me.”

I made a face, I’m pretty sure it showed my confusion very well.

“So it isn’t that I’ll see them,” I stated, “You just don’t want me to touch you?”

He took in a frustrated breath.

“You fucking jerk,” I mainly said to myself, “So you can do whatever you want to them, but if they even touch you…”

How messed up is Michael exactly?

I decided I didn’t care anymore about him being cold, he needed to not touch me.

I removed the shirt, and I threw it right in his face.

“Real trust is earned,” I stated.

I felt hurt.

I pulled the tank top off the floor and put it on.

No matter how much clothing I could put on, it wouldn’t be enough right now.

“Ren,” he said.

“Shut up,” I snapped, “Just shut up and go to sleep.”

I was far too angry to even think about sleeping.

This bastard.

“You don’t understand,” he said in a pleading tone.

“You don’t understand,” I growled, “I’m not one of your fucking whores.”

“You think I don’t know that?” he snapped.

“Apparently not.”

I turned to glare to him, and he was sitting up, holding the shirt to his chest with one hand, and with the other his holding the side of his head.

This wasn’t helping, was it?

I promised to look out for him while they weren’t here, and what was I doing? I was pestering him.

I sighed, and at the same time, I felt the fight leave me.

He wasn’t the only one that was selfish. I wanted to understand him, I wanted him to just talk to me.

I guess I wasn’t any different than those girls.

They wanted him, I guess I was naïve to think that I would never want him like that.

He pushed so hard at me that it feels strange to push back, only to have him pull back so far that I fall flat on my face.

Fuck.

“I’m going to call them,” I said.

I can’t be here. I don’t want to hear him reject me over and over again.

“Don’t call,” he said.

“I don’t want to be here,” I said, feeling like a jerk, “I just don’t want to be near you right now.”

He didn’t say anything.

I got off the bed to retrieve my pants so I could get my phone.

This was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.

I thought because of how sick he was feeling, that he would be easy to handle.

“I’m sorry I’m such a piece of shit, alright,” he said, “But please, don’t call them.”

I held my phone tightly in my hand. If I squeezed any tighter, I fear that I might actually break it.

I had to breathe, I needed to think and calm down.

When I loosened my grip, I made the decision to stay. Not to sleep.

I sat on the floor by the nightstand, and I sighed loudly.

“Fine,” I said, ‘I won’t call, but you need to sleep.”

He didn’t say anything back, so I just assumed he was fine with it.

++++++++++

It had been maybe an hour that I sat against the wall, but I felt better, and I had the chance to think.

I realized I was also a massive jerk.

If I was pushed that hard, I’d be a bitch right back to him. He wasn’t even that bad.

I’ve had regular conversations with him where he was so much worse.

I leaned forward to grab my notebook from my pants, and I saw Michael at the corner of my eye.

When I turned to look at him, he had been sitting exactly how he was an hour ago.

“I thought I told you to go to sleep,” I said.

“Are you still mad?” he asked.

I sighed, “Not really.”

I leaned back against the wall.

“I don’t like fighting with you,” he said.

Exhaustion was clear in his voice, but I ignored it.

“Could have fooled me.”

I spoke without even thinking about it. I wanted to slap myself.

“I thought you weren’t mad anymore.”

“I was fine until you started talking again.”

God, how can I be such a fucking bitch?

I realized it as soon as the words left my mouth. I just needed to get away from him. Staying might not have been the best idea. He isn’t even sleeping. We both know that he is tired.

“You already know that you’re different from them,” he sounded exhausted, “So why do you keep fucking pushing?”

I felt myself go blank.

What did he just say?

“I’ll do it okay,” he said after sighing, “Just stop fucking acting like this.”

Damn it. I know I’m acting like a child. Part of me wished he didn’t see me like this.

I sat there, feeling like a jerk. I didn’t deserve to lie with him.

“This is the only invitation you’re getting.”

My body moved without my permission.

His back was to me, and the shirt was on my side of the bed.

I was slow to remove the tank top this time. His shirt was warmer now when I put it on, I didn’t know how, but it made me feel even worse.

I crawled in behind him, and I wrapped my arm around him. I made sure not to be too close, I didn’t want to make him feel like I did.

“Jesus,” he gasped, “You’re freezing.”

“I’m sorry,” I tried to retract my arm, but he grabbed it and held it over his stomach.

“You threw the most ridiculous tantrum I’ve ever seen,” he said, “You don’t get to run away.”

He moved back until he was pressed against me.

I was eye level with his shoulder blades.

My grip tightened around him, and I pressed my head to his back, and like the child I was, I cried.

“I’m sorry,” I tried to stop the tears, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad,” he said.

I felt his voice all around me. It felt nice.

“You should be,” I said, “I’m mad at myself.”

“Your feelings are hurt,” he said, “I knew us being here alone would be a bad idea.”

“You did?” I asked, “How?”

He took a deep breath, “I’m good at getting on your nerves.”

I didn’t say anything, because he was right.

“I couldn’t sleep knowing you were mad at me.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

“Stop apologizing,” he said, “I already told you I’m not mad.”

“I’m sorry,” I said anyway.

He was quiet for a minute.

Maybe he was finally starting to fall asleep. The thought alone made me relax.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked.

My heart began to pound, “What?”

“Promise you won’t tell?” he asked.

I nodded against his back, and I could feel the differences in his skin, but I refused to look.

“I promise.”

“Gus and I were going to try and separate you two today,” he said, “So that he could be alone with Benny.”

“Really?” I asked.

“He was surprised that you brought it up yourself,” he chuckled, “It was all over his face.”

I felt it, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

“He finally saved up enough money to buy her a ring.”

I gasped, “Is he proposing today?”

“He’s afraid he’ll buy the wrong one, so he is hoping Benny will give him a hint,” he said, “Did you know that there is only one color she likes more than blue?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “It definitely isn’t pink.”

“He loves her, but he is still scared.”

“He doesn’t need to worry,” I said, “He could buy a plastic ring, and she would cherish it.”

“She would,” he said, “But he saved up for months to get her a ring she deserves.”

I felt like a jerk again.

“She told him she didn’t need a ring,” he said, “But we both know that girls secretly want one.”

That is probably true, but I have yet to be in that position to understand.

It was quiet for a few minutes.

“Black,” I said, “The only color she likes more than blue.”

“Gus tends to forget that sometimes,” he chuckled again.

“Did you tell him?” I asked.

“He needs to figure it out,” he said, “Benny will see right through him. He is far too obvious.”

“She’ll pick one that she doesn’t really want,” I said, “Won’t she?”

“She will,” he sighed, “That’s why he’ll have to keep an eye on her to figure out what she really wants.”

“Love is complicated,” I sighed.

“It can be,” he said, “But sometimes it’s as easy as breathing.”

He took in another deep breath. I think it was to show me just how easy he meant.

“That’s why I couldn’t let you call them,” he said.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly, “Maybe I worried you’d still be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad,” I said, “I just don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Ren,” he stated, “I just don’t want to have to force you away.”

My heart pounded.

“For Benny’s sake,” he added awkwardly.

I felt stupid all of a sudden.

“Rest,” he said, “We’ll call when we wake up.”

I nodded against him.

Even though I agreed, I didn’t think I could just fall asleep that fast.

I laid very still behind him, and I stared into the darkness between us. He was thinner than I thought he would be, but even as we laid together, his shoulders felt like they were towering over me.

He seemed thin, but somehow, he was still muscular.

It took a few minutes for me to finally relax against him.

The warmth between us felt good, and I think that finally made me tired again.

I wanted to stop thinking about how close he was and how my arm wrapped around him. The muscles of his stomach felt hard against my hand. I just needed to sleep and then wake up clear.