Jason

I was 18 years old the first time I kissed a guy. Unfortunately, that guy was Knox. We’d just met, and I was buzzed on lukewarm beer and exercise endorphins. Plus, I’ll admit it, he was hot. Tall, with dark eyes and floppy hair that fell over his forehead exactly the way it should. Like God was his barber.

I remember going up to his dorm the night we met-on the street of all places, after some kind of rally, and he helped me with my Chemistry homework. I must have been buzzed, because I made a flirty comment about his eyes, then asked if I could have some of the leftover pizza in his mini-fridge.

“Help yourself,” he said dryly.

“Thanks.” I laughed, then hiccupped.

“Dude, you’ve had one beer. What kind of lightweight are you?”

“The kind who hasn’t eaten since lunch.” I spoke over a huge mouthful of pepperoni and sausage. “Knox…can I call you Pearson?”

“Most people do.”

“That’s because Knox is kind of a douchey name.”

He just laughed. “So you’ve said.”

“So, Pearson…I’m not trying to get the shit beat out of me or anything, but are you gay?” His face changed, flattened somehow, and I continued quickly. “Not that you look or act gay. I was just feeling something. But it could be just me. Yeah, probably just me. Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

He started to laugh, and I scooted back a bit, wondering if I’d offended him.

“Yes, I’m gay. And I think I’m feeling something, too.” Then he leaned over and kissed me, a soft kiss, on the corner of my mouth. He stayed there for a moment, letting me decide what happened next. My breath caught somewhere in my chest, and I was having trouble focusing on anything other than his shirt collar rubbing against my jaw. I’d had thoughts-sexual thoughts-about guys before, but I’d never acted on them. Then again, I’d never been as attracted to anyone as I was to Knox.

He swallowed, and the movement seemed to cure my uncertainty. I turned my head and pressed my lips fully to his, and I felt a thrill shoot up my spine when he sighed and pressed back, the scent of beer and pizza blanketing us as his lips softened and parted for me.

We kissed slowly, testing the waters, until the fear set in, so quickly and sharply that I pulled back and whispered, “I’m not gay. I just like to experiment, you know?”

He snorted and bent to nip the sensitive skin along my neck. “I take back what I said about you being smart.”

“Whatever, dude,” I laughed, trying to disguise the tremor in my voice. “Just kiss me again.”

He did, taking the lead, probably realizing that my experience with men was limited to no one. When he finally broke the kiss and pushed me gently down on his mattress, I closed my eyes, not sure I wanted to know what was coming next.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Yeah?” My eyes were still closed.

“You okay? We can stop.”

“No. Feels good. Don’t stop.”

I felt him hesitate, but then he began slowly crawling up my body. His erection rubbed against my thigh, and with a deep breath, I reached down and covered it with my hand, squeezing gently. His entire body tensed before he began to thrust into my palm.

“Jesus,” he groaned, and it turned me on so much I was afraid I’d come in my pants. He leaned in and kissed me again, letting his right hand trail down my abdomen until it hovered over my cock. I finally opened my eyes and watched as his long fingers reached over and cupped the length of me. I gasped and bit my lower lip. It felt so good. So good. My skin was hot and tight, like I had a fever, and my nerves felt like they’d been scraped with sandpaper.

“Jason.” I barely heard him over the roaring in my ears.

“Yeah? Whoa, wait-,” I protested as he removed his hand, kissed me softly and sat up.

“Sorry.” He ran his hands through his hair, exhaling heavily. “If I don’t stop now, I won’t be able to stop at all.”

“So?” I’m not gonna lie, I was disappointed.

“Dude, you’re drunk. And exhausted. And if I’m not mistaken, a little confused. So let’s not rush things, okay?”

So we ate more pizza. And fell asleep on his bed, with his arm slung lazily over my chest.

And for the next two years we were inseparable. He was my first everything-my first sexual partner, my first boyfriend, my first love.

And the first person to break my heart.