“Renate!”
I jumped, scared, and, without even thinking, kept throwing clothes in the washing machine as if I’ve never stopped. Laundry shift, I remembered after a few automatic motions. I still had to hang a huge load of laundry before starting with the ironing, and I was so busy with my plans, that I forgot someone was calling for me right that moment.
“…yes?” I hadn’t even noticed Ellie until she caught my focus. By all the elders, how I needed to sleep...
“Seriously, are you alright? Lately you look like a zombie” as motherly as ever, she was worried for me. But the truth remained.
“I’m studying a lot these nights, nothing else. If I want to be a doctor…
“…if you want to be a doctor, you need to be awake!” she scolded me, clearly upset. “And for that, you need to sleep more! I need as many hands as possible, so, please, take care of yourself”.
I nodded because she was right, but without heart. My final objective still stood.
One week had passed since that first dream I had and, as Anaissa warned, her teachings were so extremely arcane that I was experiencing the greatest of hardships on just the most basic first step. But I wouldn’t give up, not if this was my only chance to make my dream come true.
One week, hearing her speak without a single interruption, as she tried to make me comprehend the nature of the” Snow”, as she called it.
“Everything in this universe is supported by the very essence of existence. Living, inert, real, or conceptual, everything relies on that very principle. And that’s what I call Snow. Other people call it gold essence and, some boring people, proto-reality. The point is everything around us is bombarded constantly by this proto-reality, as if it were amidst a constant storm. Living creatures usually attract this flow of particles and, among them, the intelligent ones can mold it at their convenience, turning it into whatever they wish, material or not”.
That was her first explanation. And her second, third, fourth and so on. She was very patient with someone as clueless as me. And I tried to contradict her expectations of my failure. But, still, how could I mold something I wasn’t able to even see?
So, dream after dream, I kept trying the exercises she suggested to me, mainly, ”understand a letter”. Just that. She put me facing against the wall, where only an ”a” was written, and gave me some indications about understanding a letter: about its physical materials, form, calligraphy, size, location, cultural history of it… she kept telling me all of that was important.
“Once you understand something, you’ll be able to attract its Snow to you and then, mold it. And once you can mold Snow, you can turn it onto whatever you want. A cure, in your case. Or some nice clothing for me” and she kept showing off her skills with Snow as she changed her outfit again and again. Not the best for my focus thinking on her skimpy clothing at my back, but I persevered with all my focus, might, and will.
And I achieved nothing.
It was like that strange religious concept of extreme illumination. What do they call that on Earth? Nirvana? Probably some of druids from my old home had something similar among their superstitions, not that I was interested in that mumbo jumbo of theirs…
Whatever was needed for that to work, it was wearing me out. For a week now, I remained conscious more than twenty hours per day. Not even my dreamless little naps helped me to recover from my work, my obligations, and my dreams.
I put three baskets full of wet clothing onto a trolley and then pushed them outside to hang as children ran around me with all the energy I lacked. Bless them. Even if I was a bit of a strict caretaker, I didn’t dislike any of them. Who could get angry at such innocence? How I wished to have half of the intensity they showed.
I cheered up a bit, hung the laundry, breathing strong as the winds outside the dome shook my long pigtails. Weather outside the dome was a bit harsh, but I preferred it that way. It reminded me of home and, from my point of view, it was a bit better for the kids of the institution. Ellie shared my opinion on that, though she was more science minded.
Unconsciously, I drew my eyes to the huge walled and domed city I called home. As an old tradition I brought from my planet, I didn’t like how it looked but, either way, it was the place I chose to live in. It was just a place where companies manufactured equipment and transformed materials for other colonies around the world, maybe for export to other planets, who knows. I wasn’t into my city’s economics. What I knew was that the infinite looking tower that got lost up in the sky was an elevator. Supplies, goods, raw materials, and manufactured products went up and down every hour through the atmosphere to be exchanged non-stop.
And then, we had the dome: mainly transparent except where eight arches sustained the impossible weight of the dome, it kept the city isolated in an artificial constant weather year-round. There were several ports for conventional freighters which connected mines, farms, and small communities with the big city, but that was all.
There was a wall too, a big, thick and even plain white surface supporting the arches and the dome itself from the ground. More than two hundred meters thick and equally tall, it surrounded the buildings inside. Buildings were space out in three layers: the extensive external ring where people with low income lived (such as me); the interior belt, where the lucky ones lived more comfortable lives, and then, the core, administrative center and main hub to the space elevator. All of that enormous space, full to the brim with great factories, small workshops; little flat buildings and immense skyscrapers taller than any mountain I had ever climbed, all squared, planned, designed, and arranged to be as efficient as possible.
And then, I had the forest right in front of me. One that expanded leagues out in all directions from the city. Maybe I could have everything I needed in the city, but all I wished for was among the green. My herbs, my rocks, my mushrooms…
…my dream: to be a doctor.
I understood Anaissa was taking a very indirect route toward my goal, but any other method was tested and rejected: no other person wanted to teach me. And, the only one who did, counted me out even before starting. It would have been irritating if it weren’t for her constant demonstrations of her strange abilities. She was flirty and a bit of a comedian, but she never took a step back on her promise.
The point was, what did it mean… the word ”understand”?
While I picked up the laundry, I felt my ears ringing due to lack of sleep, but I persevered in my musings. Still, my head wasn’t up to that intellectual challenge, neither as I folded the clothes, as I iron them at full speed, nor as I dropped into my bed once my break time arrived.
And, what I presumed was going to be a half hour nap, turned to be a little bit longer.
“Welcome” Anaissa greeted me, as usual. I felt safe and very comfortable, so much, I was about to doze off even further in that strange lucid dream, but my discipline kicked in before my laziness and, soon after, I was trying to get out of…
“…when did I…?” this time, I didn’t appear into the deepest hall, but on Anaissa’s bed.
“I smelled how tired you are even from my hole” the lady of the palace was dressing up, but I didn’t try to see what kind of sexy attire she chose this time due to how heavy my head felt. “You seriously need to learn to chill a bit”.
“If I’m here, does that mean that I’m…?”
“…completely and utterly exhausted, yeah” soon after, she jumped to her boudoir and started to brush her hair at full speed. “When you jumped over me, asking me to be your master, I knew you were something else, but I would never have imagined you were this strong minded” she then proceeded to collect her hair. I tried to get out of the bed but, this time, my legs didn’t sustain me and I fell to my knees. “Go back to bed. I’ll take care of everything”.
“I still have to help with the kitchen today…”
“That’s right!” she turned to me and, what I found, made my heart skip a beat. “As long as your face is there, it doesn’t matter if it’s another body”.
She was… smaller? Not only that, her clothing was exactly like mine. Her hair, shortened, mirrored mine, and her face…
“How did you…?” in front of me, a pale-skinned Renate without make up was looking into my black eyes with her own black beads. Like looking at myself in the most disturbing mirror.
“If you sleep tight until I return, I’ll explain to you. For now, relax and, please, don’t leave your room even if you wake up. I’ll come to you tonight” she hit herself on a cheek and her face covered with the same paintings I bear. “Until then, sleep well”.
She ran out of the room to the surface and, soon after, closed the hatch behind her. And I was left alone in her massive home. I was curious about everything there, from the strange foods of her pantry, to the arcane shapes and words on the deepest hall walls.
However, I preferred to heed her order and return inside the canopy and, then, get under the blankets. Slumber found me soon, as I, lost in my obsession with that very letter I had to try to ”understand”, continued to dissect that simple letter. That bed was great, really comfy, but my head didn’t allow me to enjoy the rest.
“You’re unbelievable” Anaissa said, back in my room and reality, as she was brushing her hair when she noticed I’d woken up. “That, or you’re way more obsessive than I thought”.
I rose from my bed, still dressed, and looked outside: the sun had just set. My day was, supposedly, finished.
“What do you mean?” my body still needed some rest, but I felt much better.
She turned to me, already full Anaissa again and looked me up and down. She smiled with a note of sadness in her eyes and came to sit beside me.
“One of the many things I see in the world is the Snow itself. It helps a lot seeing it to mold it, yeah, but it also helps to understand everything around me” she embraced me softly”. I see the storm you created since you met me. And it isn’t healthy for your body nor your soul. You’re hitting your head against a wall and you keep at it even covered on blood, thinking that’s the way to solve the problem of understanding”.
“Are you telling me that…” I took a deep breath, as unconsciously, contained my tears ”…that I’ll never achieve it?”
“What!? No! On the contrary!” her exclamation got me by surprise. “No normal people I have ever met have come so far into the study of the Snow through pure stubbornness. Somehow, I know you can achieve it, but not when you’re damaging yourself so much. You need a pinch of madness to mold Snow but a little less self-destruction” she kneeled in front of me. “I’ll give you a little push, only because I know you will be able to seize it. If I see you start to turn completely insane, I’ll make you forget everything, about what you will see, about Snow and about me”.
I was about to ask what she meant with that last sentence but she had already pushed her hand against my eyes.
Then, the pain came.
Then, I saw everything.
Then, I fell into my bed.
Then, darkness.
Then, something between my eyes and my eyelids.
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