(Noah POV)

He begins moving until he’s lying down next to me. He wraps his hands around me in a way that seems more intimate than anything we’ve done. He pulls me in so my cheek is against his chest. I’m tempted to kiss his sweaty chest, just to taste him.

“I didn’t want to have sex with you because I wouldn’t be able to treat you right.”

“I have no idea what that means.”

“It would be your first time.”

“Still don’t get it.”

“Noah, I’m so attracted to you that I wouldn’t be able to control myself. The first time is not as simple as the rest. It takes…accommodation. I don’t think I’d be able to not just…well, whatever.”

“Oh…but you will eventually?”

“Shit, if you let me.”

For a moment, I think about how comfortable I am laying here next to him. I’ve never shared a bed with anyone and I realize I’ve been missing out. Except, it probably wouldn’t be the same if it weren’t Ten. It was comfortable not because someone was holding me close, but because it was him holding me close.

I nozzle into him, forgoing whatever reservations I previously had to kiss his chest, then, to lick it. “Can I return the favor now?”

He scoffs and says, “it wasn’t a favor that needed returning. Also, it wasn't a favor at all.”

“But I want to. I want you…in me. If you won’t do that, at least throat fuck me.”

“You speak like that and you’re a virgin?” He has a bit of taunting in his voice.

“Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’ve never done anything sexually.”

“With who?”

“I don’t know. People who wanted me.”

“So…a lot?”

“Um, no. I don’t look like you.”

“Yes, you don’t. You look very different from me. I don’t see your point.” His confusion confuses me. I don’t think he’s unaware of how attractive he is so why is he not understanding what I’m saying?

“Nothing. Whatever. Take off your pants.” And I move my hands downwards but he jerks his hips away.

“Noah…” He sounds exasperated.

“What?”

“Can we just stay like this for now?”

Staying like this meant being held against his body, being able to smell him, feel him. It meant…sharing a bed with him. That was not something I could refuse, so I say, “alright.” 

Ten

Okay, maybe I’m regretting not going all the way with him. He was so eager and I wanted to— I still do. But that was the problem. We both were caught in the moment and the first time should be more…I don’t know, patient?

He had fallen asleep while I was still holding him against me. I keep my arms around him but I slowly shift back. I wanted to see him. He is so…I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know the word for it.

I reach my hand up to his head, gently stroking his messy hair. It was longer than most boys. Not that it was that long, but SFAMS boys usually have their hair cut short. His hair went passed his ears. I loved it. Every time he moved, it moved with him. When he ran, it bobbed and flowed, the sun always hitting it in the best way possible.

I wish I had known he was into guys sooner. I mean, it would’ve made things easier. And…I wouldn’t have met up with Pete. I feel horrible about that now. Though, it wasn’t wrong— it wasn’t like we were dating, but now that I know he likes guys and is into me…it just feels wrong. Though, really everything I do with Pete feels wrong. He’s going to hate me now that I'm not going to text him to meet up anymore. Well, I’m not so sure he’s ever not hated me. 

Noah is into me. I can’t stop thinking about it. Noah doesn’t seem like the type to like someone easily and I’m honored that it’s me. I’m fucking lucky is what I am.

And he made the first move. I had fallen asleep distraught and when I woke up, it was if he knew how much I was hurting and what exactly I needed. He kissed me and for a moment, I thought that maybe he was just trying to get revenge. That maybe he was kissing me to mess with my emotions. But then I saw his eyes, the way he looked at me. The way he seemed to need this. I knew he meant it. And like everything he does, it pained me. Not in a bad way, but in this unexplainable way that my chest seems to tighten, warmth spreading across. I wanted to know if what he was feeling and then when he told me to stop looking at him like he mattered, I realized I didn’t. I didn’t want to know how sad he was. I didn’t want to know that he was in pain.

No, that’s not it. I just didn’t want him to be in pain.

But I didn’t tell him that he mattered. Fuck, why didn’t I tell him? I should have stopped touching him for a damn minute to look him in the eyes and tell him how much he mattered. I would tell him over and over until he believed it. I would find a way, I would-

“Ten?”

I had woken him up from squeezing him too hard. I hadn’t realized how tight I was holding him. “Shit, sorry.”

“What time is it?”

“Around six.”

“Do you want to go on our run?”

“You do realize you’re half asleep?” His eyes were barely open.

“Fine. We’ll have a skip day. Anyways, I want to shower.”

“Now?”

He opens his eyes in slow blinks. I can’t help but reach out and touch his eyelashes. He swats my hand away and says, “Yeah.”

“Can I join you?”

“Um no?”

I frown, truly disappointed at that. Actually, devastated. “Why not?”

“I don’t know. I feel like that’s weird.”

“I don’t think it’s weird.”

“Of course you don’t.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Fine, I admit to being a slut. Now can we shower together?”

He sits up, hair looking out of control, and says, “Fine.” And I’m not sure if he’s just too tired to argue, but either way, I’ll take it.

“Yes!” 

“On one condition. 

"Oh?"

"I give you head.”

“Well, I’m not going to say no to that.”

He slides off the bed and I realize I had forgotten that he was naked. I think he did too judging by the way he is blushing. He gets on his knees and I turn so that I’m sitting off of the bed and he is between my thighs. He places his hands on my knees, gently moving them up and down. He goes for my belt, unbuckles it, and slides it off. Then he unbuttons my pants, and I stand up so that he can pull them down. I don’t sit back down as he puts his face on my clothed crouch, then licking, then sucking the fabric. My cock reacts to every touch. He rubs me through my boxers, my cock now outlined very prominently. He slowly pulls the material down, letting my cock hit his face. He mumbles something as he eyes it. Then, he licks his lips and doesn’t hesitate before taking my entire length down his throat. 

It shocked me so much that I gasp. “Fuck-“

He keeps going and going and even though he has tears running down his cheeks, he doesn’t stop. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing.

I bend down and grab the sides of his arms, pulling him up.

“Wait, what the hell?”

I don’t say anything in response. I just hold his face in my hands and kiss him. He doesn’t kiss back at first, too confused as to why I stopped him. But after a couple of seconds, he gives in with a sigh and leans into me. I move back, slowly lowering myself so that I’m sitting on the bed and he follows by straddling his legs around mine, sitting in my lap. He wraps his arms around my neck, our kissing deepening.

“Was I doing it wrong?” He sounds so innocent, so…Noah. 

I stop kissing him so that I can look into his eyes. “No. You just weren’t doing it for the right reason.”

“I don’t understand-“

“Noah, you don’t have anything to prove to me.”

He looks down, unable to maintain eye contact. So I force his head up because he needs to know. He needs to know that I…he just, he just needs to know.

“Do you understand me? You don’t have to prove anything. I like you just the way you are.”

“I wasn’t trying to prove anything.”

“Noah…”

“I wasn’t- I mean, you’re just like really,” he puts his hands on my chest, letting his fingers gently move in a circular motion, “and I’m really not.”

“Not what?”

“Everything. You just have it all and I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve got nothing. So I’m not sure why or how you like me and it seems-“

“Noah, you are absolutely ridiculous, you know that?”

“No, I’m no-“

“Yes, you are. I’m not going to sit here and tell you how much I like you. How much I like the way you look or the way you talk or the way you do that thing where you don’t know how beautiful you are. Or how fucking insane I’ve been going with you living with me and not being able to touch you—hold you. Or how much it hurts when I look at you because I know whatever going on up in that fucking gorgeous head of yours is scarier than anything the world can muster up. I’m not going to do it. It’s a waste of time.”

And he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he hugs me. The same type of hug he gave me a few weeks ago. That soul-crushing hug. And then I feel wetness against my chest and I realize that he’s crying. Not violently, but soft gasps and hiccups of a boy who has never been given the time of day. And I feel bad for saying that making him feel special is a waste of time because it isn’t. Fuck, I’d spend every second of the day doing it if it meant he would believe me. But I guess that’s just it— I don’t think I can make him believe that he is all of the things I see him as. I don’t think that’s how life works. But even though I know that, I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying. Maybe if he sees how much I want him to believe then he’ll…

“Ten, you don’t know me.”

“Of course I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Well, then I guess I’ll just have to spend more time with you. How about that shower?”

He’s still in my lap and we’re both naked. “I didn’t get to finish,” he looks down, “and you’re still hard. Does emotional shit turn you on?”

“You turn me on. Fine, but don’t try to prove anything, okay?”

And he slides off and returns back between my legs. 

And I don’t last more than a few minutes. I don’t know if it’s because he’s insanely talented at sucking dick or because it’s him, but I couldn’t hold back. He doesn’t remove his mouth from my cock as I cum, swallowing it, and sucking the rest out. I pull him up and kiss him, not caring that I could taste myself on him. He seems hesitant to kiss back at first, but when he sees that I’m very aware of what I’m doing, he returns it, leaning his full weight in against me. 

It’s so nice seeing him like this. Not naked, I mean, yes naked, but seeing him at ease. He always seems to have this tension around him, a constant state of discomfort. But now, none of that was apparent. It was just him, in all his glorious being.

“Shower?”

He hesitates, perhaps thinking showering together is a level of intimacy we hadn’t yet reached. And honestly, it probably was. But nothing about any of this made sense. Noah had come into my life about a month ago and he’d already etched his way into my heart. I don’t understand how that could have happened so fast, but who am I to deny the way things work?

“Alright.”

His hesitation didn’t seem to come from an actual resistance, but rather, an unsureness of if he was supposed to not want to. But I wasn’t going to actually force him to shower with me so I said, “you don’t have to. Just if you want.”

He looks surprised as if he hadn’t realized he had a choice. “No.”

I give him a questioning look, not sure what he part he was answering.

“I mean- yes. Let’s shower.” He blushes as he says it.

“Together?”

“Yes…together.” And I had a feeling he said the last word simply because he wanted to see how it felt.