Monday

Senn hadn’t expected Elio to find him in the treehouse, but yet there he was; about an hour—and a whole lot of whiskey—later, climbing the ladder to look for him. Elio seemed pretty… cute with his hair a bit disheveled by the wind, his eyes staring at him with worry from the moment they became visible.

Senn turned away from him again, staring out over the meadow towards the river that was hidden behind thick bushes and a lot of trees; but audibly present anyway. It was soothing to just sit and listen to the river rushing past their town, nothing holding it back from continuing it’s path out to the ocean, miles and miles away.

“That question was really insensitive, and I don’t think Mr. Weaver realized it when he asked—”

“I don’t care, he was a dick,” Senn muttered, cutting Elio’s weird form of apology on behalf of Mr. Weaver short.

“If it makes you feel better, he asked Lucas to go look for you to make sure you were okay.”

“It doesn’t,” Senn gave him an honest answer. “Because I still feel shit as hell, because I’m sick and tired of being reminded of what happened to my parents and Liam every goddamn minute, of every goddamn day. Or the fact I can’t fucking remember anything from the months before that fucked up accident.”

“Didn’t you write that down?”

“No, Elio, I did not. How do you expect me to write memories down that I can’t remember?”

“I meant; you have that notebook… I thought…” Elio sighed, sitting down next to him. “Never mind. They’re only memories from your time in hospital, right?”

Senn nodded in response, and for a while, they just sat in silence, sipping from the bottle of whiskey together. Senn observed Elio while he was staring into the distance, wondering what was going through his mind whenever they were silent. What was going through his mind when he was laying in bed at night, by himself?

He wondered if Elio thought about his mom as much as he thought about his own parents, or Liam for that matter. Did Elio too try to savor every memory he had of her?

“Are they ever going to fade?” Senn eventually asked, even though he had no idea if Elio was thinking back of good memories.

“What?”

“The memories I have of them. I…” Senn swallowed, trying to blink back tears that threatened to spill, thinking about the possibility of losing more memories over time. “I’m really scared that the memories I do have will fade with time. I already have a hard time remembering as much as I want. Like how the house smelled whenever mom was cooking one of her delicious dishes. Or how it sounded when Liam was laughing or making crashing sounds whenever he was playing with his toy cars. Or dad’s singing whenever he was cleaning up after dinner.”

Elio took in a sharp breath, shrugging a shoulder. “Sadly, they do.”

“I hoped you’d give me some comforting answer that would make me feel better.”

Elio shrugged again, looking down at his feet as he sat in half a yoga pose, playing with one of his shoelaces. “The good thing is that your senses will help you to always remember certain things. Like you said about your mom cooking. I have that with perfume. Whenever I smell the perfume she used, I remember how she was getting ready for a party we once went to. I remember which dress she wore, what shoes she picked, what jewelry…”

“And that doesn’t fade?”

“Whenever I don’t smell the perfume, it does, and it gets harder to visualize that memory in my head. But then I just smell her perfume again, and it’s back, as clear and vivid as ever.”

“I hope it works for me too…” Senn mumbled. “I just don’t want to forget.”

“When you were in my… your old room on Friday…” Elio hesitantly asked. “Did you remember things?”

Senn nodded, smiling sadly. “But mostly how I decorated the room. The baby blue walls I hated so much, though now I’d give anything to have them back. The fact your desk is in completely the wrong spot because it’s better off in front of the window because the view always helped me focus. That sounds weird and distracting but it was calming, and it helped me clear my mind and concentrate…” Senn chuckled awkwardly. “I wanted to yell at you for messing up the entire floorplan. But then again, I wanted to yell at your father for fucking up our house too.”

“I can imagine that must’ve been weird.” Elio chuckled softly. “I think, if I knew back than we would become friends, and I would’ve known just how important the memories in that house would be to you, I’d prevented Dad from… fucking it up.”

Senn laughed because Elio used his words of choice to describe the remodeling of the house.

“I just hate how everything changed while I was in hospital and I don’t even know what happened before the accident so all I remember are vague memories and such, and it feels like I was dropped into a different universe. And when I lay in bed at night, I hope I fall asleep and wake up right back home again. I can’t comprehend the fact they’re actually really gone, because everything is surreal.”

“Are you still seeing a therapist?” Elio asked after a short silence in which he drank from the whiskey bottle. “I mean, they offered you guidance and support, right?”

“Yeah, but that nitwit wasn’t helping me.” Senn snorted at the memory of Dr. Hanson. “How does that make you feel, Senn?” He mockingly repeated the question he heard one too many times. “Well, doctor nitwit, how do you think it makes me feel that my parents and brother are dead?”

“Pfft, sounds like a shithead. I had a great one for a while. She really helped me accept things and she thought me how to deal with my anger and sadness.”

“Well, to be honest, I feel better whenever we talk,” Senn shyly admitted. “Because you always seem to know exactly what to say. You know when to make a joke over something that is actually really sad, just to lighten my mood and keep me from sliding further down into darkness. But you also know when not to joke around because I am serious about something.”

“I’m glad I’m helping you.” Elio patted his knee, and shortly left his hand there—unaware it was driving Senn crazy—before he turned a bit further to fully face Senn. “Tell me everything you’re afraid of, like the fading memories. Spill it all out.”

Senn frowned and took a moment to get a grasp on his mind, his feelings, his fears. “First of all… Trypophobia is real…”

Elio snorted, shaking his head in disbelief. “Seriously. I know you’re afraid to lose the memories you still have. I know you’re afraid to lose Killian… What else?”

Senn sucked in his breath, trying to come up with an answer he was willing to give. But all that came bubbling up were fears that had to do with his sexuality. Fears that nobody could take away, since only his parents could.

He genuinely was afraid his parents wouldn’t love him anymore once they’d find out he was into guys.

He was also genuinely afraid not to be accepted by his friends. Maybe they’d accept it, but possibly not agree with it. He didn’t want his friendships to change. He was afraid they would change. They were already changing, and he didn’t know how to stop that from happening.

“I don’t want anything to change, because to me, everything already changed drastically. Not just because I lost most of my family, but because there’s a months long gap from what I consider my normal life, and now. For instance, to my friends, the changes went day by day. Slowly. They had time to adjust. I afraid I can’t catch up anymore, and I’ll stay behind by myself because nobody really understands what it’s like.”

Senn spilled it all out, without even thinking about mentioning the fact his sexuality was a struggle. Without considering asking Elio if he was out, and what it had been like to come out if he did come out. All the while, Elio remained silent, listening to the waterfall of thoughts and fears—rational or irrational.

“And it makes me feel alone and misunderstood even though I know my friends want to help. They can’t, because the answers I need to stop myself from falling apart could be found in memories I don’t have anymore. And I’m not even sure if there will be any answers coming if I magically regain my memory and it’s frustrating because this will be the rest of my life. I will wonder about certain things for the rest of my life, and since my parents are dead, I can’t get those answers anywhere. And that… I don’t know… I…”

Elio blinked his eyes a few times, as if blinking away tears, and Senn rather focused on that and wondering what it was like to see Elio cry. But Elio wouldn’t let him have a moment of innocent wondering.

“You…?”

“I keep trying to find reasons to continue… but I haven’t found any so far. And every day it gets harder to get out of bed and pretend to be alive to keep others happy. There’s no reason besides doing it for others. I see no reason for myself.”