CONTENT WARNING: This chapter deals with body dysphoria
After having gotten to know Thom, Winter was relatively happy with his new roomie. He felt like a cool and relaxed guy who liked to laugh. Not only that, it seemed like he was truly into sports, and because of that, tended to go to bed early, and get up early as well. Meaning that Winter could take off his binder after Thom was asleep, and take it on, while nobody was around. At least, that was the plan Winter had made for now.
Talking in a low voice to Thom to assure he was asleep, Winter went out into the bathroom.
Looking himself in the mirror, he felt a punch to the stomach. He DID look like a boy. His short hair, he had cut when he ran away from home, was much better than any wig. His binder did a great job at holding his boobs in. The over-sized clothes did a great job hiding his figure. His face was more on the androgynous side, than directly male or female, but as long as he could hide it with his voice, it didn’t seem to be a problem.
Besides, it wouldn’t be that weird for a guy to look a little feminine, or so Winter kept telling himself.
However, from tomorrow, he had to wear a tight uniform, pulling out his forms, no matter how slightly it would be. No matter how confident he was during the day, it all vanished at night when he had time to think. When he faced himself in the mirror.
Holding back the feeling of tears pressing on, he started to take off the binder from under his hoodie. He didn’t want to face what was underneath. This was WHO he were, but he couldn’t yet help WHAT he were. Not that he believed his body defined him. But even then, the thought of him being wrong almost presented itself in the back of his mind whenever it saw its chance.
This was something Winter had decided to do for himself. Finding a place he could fit in as himself, whoever ‘himself’ might be. Even if it turned out to be something else.
Leaning down to the sink, Winter threw some cold water in his face, reminding him to get out of the dark place that usually lurked whenever he was alone.
Tip-toeing into bed, Winter looked over to Thom, whispered a goodnight, and went to sleep.
In the morning, Winter had completely forgotten everything about Thom walking him to class, so when Thom called and shaked him awake, Winter shrieked of shock, pulling his blanket around him as to be in defense-mode. Even though the hoodie he had slept in had already managed to hide the most of it, Winter was half-asleep and just remembered one thing. Basic survival. He wasn’t to be discovered.
“Woooow, chill dude, I get you wanna sleep, but we have classes in ten, so you better hurry” Thom said, slightly surprised at the response he had gotten.
Winter quickly calmed himself down, looked at Thom, then looked at the bathroom door, then down at his chest, and then on Thom again. Trying to think of a way he could put on his binder without it seeming weird fried his brain first thing in the morning. The plan he had made about being able to put it on when he was all alone was punched into smithereens by the goodwill of his roomie and Dean.
“I’m, uh, I would like to use the bathroom” Winter said, still processing the available data and trying to come up with options.
“Well, by all means, go ahead” Thom said, pointing at the door, not moving a step aside. Of course he wouldn’t, if Winter didn’t have anything to hide he could just waltz right by him without worrying about anything.
Even though Winter logically knew that the hoodie would cover up his chest enough for it not to be noticed, now that he had been awake for a bit, his anxiety always flared up without his binder. His body refused to move. His brain refused to work. His voice reverted back to a squeaky and cute voice that his mother so-adored.
He was in hell.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were sick. Should I just go and tell the teacher?” Thom said with great worry in his tone. Ah, Winter wondered how Thom saw him right now in this pathetic state. With a bit of a nod Thom went out, saying he would come back later and see if he was better for the next lesson, promising to walk him to it, even though he had to take another.
After Thom left, Winter felt like he could finally breathe again. Only then, did he discover how little air had been let in as he felt like he was dying, as well as how his entire body had tensed up.
He really needed to find a plan B, so this NEVER happened again.
Hurriedly he got up and took on his binder in bed. He didn’t feel like standing face to face with himself right now, and after wearing it for so long, it had become second nature.
Regaining a bit of confidence, being able to breathe, he finally decided to try on his uniform. The dread set in, but Winter decided he wasn’t about to miss two classes on his first day.
Getting everything on, he went out holding his breath, and looked at his image in the mirror.
Huh, not bad, Winter thought. Even though it did bring out his silhouette a bit more than he’d like, it also managed to make his shoulders seem a little bit broader.
Yes, this was fine. He had this.
Feeling his daily dose of confidence coming back, even though he still didn’t feel great from the shock earlier, Winter managed to get a proper hold of himself. He couldn’t allow himself to be this weak for too long.
After having been in bed, waiting, Thom came in and asked how he was doing. Winter said he was ready, and just as Thom had promised, he followed him to class.
As they walked, Thom talked about the scare Winter had given him, suddenly looking extremely pale. Winter assured Thom he was better now, all the while scanning the corridors and the rooms to make sure he could find the way on his own next time.
“Well then, this is you. I better get running now, try to see if someone has the same class as you next, and follow them. See ya!” Thom said, while running off.
Winter only managed to nod before he was gone.
And into the classroom he went.
Thus, the second secret almost killed Winter, but is still going strong.
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