He’s been moving a lot more lately, like he’s spirit’s are up again, I don’t really know though.

Sometimes he’s really good and other times he crashes and hit hard on reality and then he just cries, I’m there to console him, but maybe I’m being there for him too much, I worry.

If you would be able to see him, you would understand, he’s a mess right now, and he really doesn’t have anyone else.

We cuddle at night, but that’s it, I let him, but only because he mumbles something under his breath and I just let it happen. We sleep in the same bed but only because he insist’s on me not sleeping on the couch, I don’t know If I just let him tumble me around like when we were together in collage or if this is really something that’s real.

During collage, it just didn’t seem real to me, once I had a completle meltdown in front of him, spiriling out of almost left field and started a conversation that led me down this rabbit hole of ideas and ideology’s that blinded me from what was the truth, I managed to consume myself with this idea that his love for me wasn’t real.

And I just let it consume me. Like a venom from the inside out, then one day it just all came spouting out.

We fought that day, it almost seemed like the end of it all was near. I cut myself with some scissor’s, that was stupid of me, but I wanted to get his attention, we tried talking about it afterwards, and I tried getting his attention, but he just sat there on his phone ignoring me.

I get it, he was mad at me, I had betrayed him in one way or another. But I just didn’t understand, it was all this big episode that my theraphy later thought me how I had been wrong, I’m a changed man now, different from what I was before.

But does that mean this time, it’s really real? I don’t know if it is. And I just want to know the truth.

I can say nothing to him right now, it would ruin his spirit’s, but one things for sure, I’ll go back to the New City of York just after this is over.

I’ll go back, and he will stay here and have to deal with this his own goddam self. That’s what terrifies me. What if he doesn’t eat? What if he’s so into his depression he forget’s to drink water. It’s just like last time, last time he melted into this goo of self loathing and reprimand.

I don’t know if this time it’s gonna be any different.

-D.