Terry and Wade follow us back to our room. I want to ring their necks. Not really, but kind of.

When we're all sitting, Terry and Wade on the couch, me on my bed, Noah on his, there's a weird silence like they know they are intruding on my plans. But if they realize that, they don't seem to care.

"Guys, I really wanna hit it early tonight. What's this about?"

"Next year." Shit. I look at Noah, who, fuck he's so gorgeous, looks completely taken aback.

"Next year?"

"Yeah, Noah, we are leaving SFAMS."

The face Noah makes is awful. It's not so noticeable, but if you spend your days analyzing his every move, you would be able to tell that something in him snapped or, I don't know, broke. Fear, dread? Something like that. Because what he was hearing for the first time was that he was going to be alone in this school, a school he didn't even want to be at. I want to pull him close to me and assure him that we'll figure something out. But I can't for two reasons. One, Terry and Wade are here. And second, I don't know if I can actually assure him that. Hell, I broke down when I realized I had to leave next year. SFMAS is all I know. And now…Noah …it's all too much.

"Guys. Let's do this some other time." I say it with a tone that leaves no room for interoperation; I want them out.

"Ugh, fine." And they leave with defeated grunts. 

.

.

.

"Ten, I don't know if I can…I don't know if I can do it…I mean, without- just, you know I've come to rely on you, and I know that sounds pathetic, but I really do and if you leave and I'm stuck here- maybe, I should, I don't know-"

He stops talking when he realizes that I'm in front. I sit down next to him.

"Do you know what happened when I realized I was leaving next year?"

"No?"

"Remember when I came into the dining hall with scrapped knees?"

He nods.

"Well, I panicked. I don't know any other life besides the one I have to hear. I fell while on a run. I cried. The whole tantrum shit."

"You panicked?"

"Yeah, Noah, I'm not invincible. I'm actually kind of a little bitch."

He laughs and says, "fuck that."

"I'm serious. I don't want you to think I'm some, I don't know…"

He leans against me, almost like he's asking for permission to touch me.

"You don't have to be so careful, you know? It's just us."

He takes that to heart by climbing on to my lap and wrapping his arms around me, resting his head against my neck. I wrap my arms around him, holding him—which, I should note, feels more comforting than anything else I've ever experienced.

"I see you as someone who is so fucking amazing that it doesn't make sense you are real. Like, you're everything and also like, well, you're so fucking hot. Honestly, it doesn't actually make sense." He begins kissing my neck, and I really don't know why I didn't do this as soon as the guys left, but I move his head so I can see him and kiss him the way I've wanted to since, well, since forever. He lets out a soft moan, and the kiss deepens and trails his hand down and under my shirt.

"Take off now," he says as he struggles to pull off my shirt.

I help him out, even though my mind is kind of in this state of headiness.

"I mean goddamn," he says as he squeezes my pecs. He hunches over so he can lick my chest, my abs, lingering for a while on my nipples that are now extremely sensitive. Every lick sends shockwaves throughout my body.

"Can you fuck me now?" He says it and then continues kissing and licking me.

And yes, I really fucking want to. But I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him. Because while I'm extremely attracted to him, it's not just about the way he looks. I care a lot about him. Like, all of him.

He must feel my hesitation because he says, "I'm not delicate, you know? I'm a big boy and have very real wants- needs right now, and you aren't fulfilling them." He's guilt-tripping me now? I am not giving him what he needs? Shit, it's working. Or, maybe I need it just as bad as he does. Probably both.

"Okay, but, I mean, there's preparation, or I guess, I could-"

"Ten, I know how sex works. Just because I haven't had it doesn't mean I don't know how to have it." He's laughing and then I'm laughing because hearing him laugh fills me with so much happiness that I can't contain it.

We continue kissing for a few minutes until he manages to pull away to go to the bathroom. While he's in there, I try not to think about next year, but trying not to think about it makes me think about it more.

I really don't know what I'm going to do because it's not even about me anymore.

But, hell, when he walks out of the bathroom completely naked, everything in my mind melts. Or, maybe everything is on fire. Because, yeah, I've seen a lot of naked men. And yeah, they all were attractive to a degree. But this wasn't like those middle-of-the-night horny quick fucks. No, this was far beyond that. This was someone I cared for far beyond what I thought was possible. I've had feelings for other guys, sure, but this…this feeling seems almost supernatural. Like, it's not just a part of me that has feelings …it's my entire being that is absolutely enthralled in this man. I mean…absolutely completely…

He walks towards me with a mixture of shyness and assuredness that seems uniquely his.

"C' mere," I say as I pull him into me, both of us standing at the edge of my bed. I frame his face with my hands, allowing myself the pleasure of just staring into his eyes, which happens to be one of the best things I have ever seen. They weren't green the way green eyes typically are. They were darker: a mix of dark green shades that made me think of a jungle, or, I guess, how I would imagine a jungle would look like. But it wasn't just their color, they also had this wildness to them, something unhinged and crazed laid beneath them, it was almost terrifying, and perhaps it would be if I didn't empathize with that look.

I kiss him as he pulls off my pants, pulling my boxers down with them. He grips my cock, slightly tugging at it.

"Ten, I'm sure you've probably heard this before but…your dick is…I mean…" and he drops to his knees and begins sucking it. That's all it takes to get me fully erect, though, I'm sure just thinking about him could have done it too. After a minute, he pulls away, and says, "alright, how do you want me?" Like I'm supposed to be able to decide.

"Um, every way?"

"No, I mean-"

"Yeah, I know what you meant. Just, come here," and I fall backward onto the bed, pulling him on top of me. He's taken aback for a second, but I think our naked bodies against each other puts him in heat, and he kisses me with a passion that I naturally return.

I then flip him over, so our positions have switched.

"One sec-"I say, and I leave him lying there on the bed. I quickly get the things I need from my drawer and return back on top of him.

"Okay, so if anything is too much, just tell me. None of that proving-you're-okay shit."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says unconvincingly, and I roll my eyes.

"First I'm going to-"

"Ten. Please do not give me a play-by-play. Just hurry up and get on with it."

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I mean, I know how to have sex, but I've never had sex with a virgin. I barely even remember my first time. I guess I should just take my time with it. But when I think about how tight he'll feel, my head spins, and I need to take deep breaths.

I start by pouring some lube onto my fingers. Then, I-

"You're shaking," Noah interrupts my concentration.

"Uh, yes, sorry, I'm nervous."

"You're nervous? Why are you nervous?"

"God, for a few reasons."

He sits up, and despite my fingers being covered in lube, he takes my hands and says, "tell me."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"We've been over this. I'm not delicate. And besides, I'll tell you if you are."

"You promise?"

"Yes, sure. Now, what's the other reason?"

"I- I've never…"

"You've never what?"

Shit, am I going to say this now? I don't know if this is the right time. Am I ready to say this? I don't know. Shit, I need to stop panicking. He's looking at me anxiously, and I can tell he has no idea what I'm going to say. I could lie and say it's something else. But I don't actually want to lie to Noah. I just want him to know that-

"I've never had sex with someone I actually cared about." I guess that's a milder way of putting it.

I fear he may be put off by it, but instead, he smiles and says, "same."

And just like that, things happen naturally. He pulls me back on top of him, never letting go of my hands, then we continue kissing. I lift his legs so that I have easier access, and then I slowly rub my finger around his hole. When I finally slip a finger in, his eyes roll back, and he bites down on his lips.

I give it time, pumping a single finger in and out, nearly drooling at the tightness and warmth.

"Can I put another one in?"

"Please," he says breathlessly, and I do.

I let him adjust to the added width, and then before I can start moving, he thrusts downwards impatiently. I let out a soft chuckle as he groans.

"Your turn," he says after a few minutes of teasingly slow fingering. A part of me did it that way because I didn't want to hurt him…but another part of me did it because of how fucking delicious he looks while being sexually frustrated. His eyelids flutter, his brows furrow, and he mouths silent, unfinished curses.

I grab the condom I put aside, a rip it open with my teeth, spitting out the piece of wrapper. I put it on and then pour lube onto my cock. I then drip some more lube onto his hole, and I push it in with my finger.

"Tell me if it hurts, okay?"

He quickly nods, and I press my tip to his entrance, teasing it, adding pressure, and then backing off completely.

When I begin pushing the tip in, I watch his face because even though he promised, I don't trust that he wouldn't just ignore the pain to show me he can take it.

He doesn't exactly look in pain, perhaps uncomfortable. I pull out and he moans, "no, put it back in."

"But you looked like it hurt."

"No, I mean, it's a lot of pressure but it feels good. Please, I told you I'd tell you if it hurt."

So I continue, only putting in the tip. Then, after a while of just that, I push in further.

"Fuuckkkk, that's- oh my god-"

"Is this okay?"

"Fuck yes," he says in between moans.

"Can I go deeper?"

"Yes. Please."

And I do.

"More."

And when my entire length is inside him, I bend down to kiss him. This time, his kissing is wild, his bites my lip as he pants. He wraps his hands around my neck, pulling me closer. I reach for his cock and slowly jerk it. His hips move with it, and then he gasps and yanks my hand off of him.

"Too close. Don't touch."

I return my hand back to him, wholly satisfied by his hardness, and say, "It's okay, I'm close too."

He slams his head back and his body arches as I continue to move inside of him, hand tightly gripped around his cock. He begins moving on his own, thrusting his hips forwards, fucking my hand as well as fucking himself on my cock. It's too much. It's too much watching him completely aroused, lips a deep red from biting down on them and intense kissing, Too much watching the way his muscles shift, only highlighted by sweat. Too much watching his cock twitch in my hands. Too much watching his hair fall onto his face and him not bothering to move it out of his way. Too much.

He lets out a loud moan and comes in my hand, body spasming, eyes closed. I run my hands up his thighs, feeling the goosebumps that came with his orgasm, spreading his cum all over him.

Then I pull out, to which he gasps at the sensation, and tug off the condom.

"On me." It was something I didn't expect him to say. Sometimes he seems so innocent but then he does things like ask me to come on him and I remember that he's actually kind of wild. Wild—his eyes are wild now. The green dark from his enlarged pupils. His hair is matted to his face, darkened at the tips, wet from sweat.

When I release, it lands mostly on his stomach and he looks at it with a certain curiosity and satisfaction. He reaches for his stomach.

"Are you gonna-oh fuck," I say as he lifts his cummy fingers to his mouth. I let out a disbelieving chuckle, bend down over him, and kiss him. "So dirty," I say in between kisses. 

He pulls away and says, "says the one kissing me with his cum in my mouth."

I laugh and he joins me.

I roll off of him, laying next to him. He turns to his side and wraps his arms around me.

"Thank you," is all he says.

"My pleasure. Anytime." I lean over and, like a dog, lick the side of his face for no other reason than a weird animalistic impulse to taste his sweat.

"Ew," he says as he wipes me off of him.

"Oh, so we draw the line at saliva and not cum? I see how it is."

We laugh again.

"But seriously, thank you."

"Noah, you don't have to thank me."

"I don't know, I feel like I do."

"How do you feel?"

"Honestly? I think it may be difficult now."

"What?"

"How am I supposed to always be around you knowing that you could do…well, that."

"'That'?"

"Make me feel so good that I forget that I'm-" he stops mid-sentence.

"That you're what?"

"Nothing. I just, that was amazing."

"Thank you for trusting me."

"You make it easy."

And for a few minutes, we just lay, Noah's hands across my body, head leaned against my chest, and just…be.