We carried all four heavy bags up to my condo. I put down my own bag of groceries as I dug for my keys and opened the door. Gab bumped me in as he took the bag on the floor. He collapsed on the couch but I immediately proceeded to keep the groceries. He stood up moments later to help. I was putting the spices and condiments on the counter and when I turned around to fetch the other bag he was about to put away the other items in the cabinet. Our noses were less than half an inch apart. My eyes travelled from his nose further south. His lips were plump and moist as usual. I fought the urge to just kiss him right then and there. His hot breath landed on my skin. His mouth smelled of breath mints that he munched after our dinner. I could’ve stayed like that for the rest of my life. I didn’t want time to move. This is the closest I’ll prolly get to him and I want to cherish every second of this moment. But alas reality hit me, I can’t be with him. I don’t have much time left. It’d be best for him to be with someone else. Someone he could grow old with. Someone who could do everything I could never do. If I had a genie, I would only ask for one wish and that’s his happiness.
“Excuse me.” I slid to the side to retrieve the other items behind him.
We continued to stow away the groceries.
“You were a big help today, thank you.” I offered a smile.
We heard raindrops tapping on the window. To my surprise it was starting to rain like cats and dogs. I checked my phone to see the weather forecast.
“I didn’t realise there was a storm,” the app indicated that it wouldn’t stop raining until tomorrow afternoon.
“Neither did I. Shhhhhhit.” Gab replied as he examined the fury of the rain, thunder, and lightning.
“Why?”
“I never got the chance to tell you but I actually live ten minutes away. So I just walked here.”
“Oh,” I definitely didn’t know that, “you’re welcome to stay if you want. You can borrow some of my clothes.”
“I get to wear your cute pyjamas?” He was all too excited for that.
“I only wear them when I’m with company. I normally sleep naked.”
We took turns taking a hot shower. Gab wore my midnight blue pyjama set with white polka dots. Having lent him my last pair of clean pyjamas, all I had in my closet was a pair of black joggers. As it was a cold night, I donned a maroon silk dressing with black shawl lapels.
I reached for a mug on the cabinet and unknowingly undid the belt around my dressing gown. I was ignorant of the fact that my cream abs and wide chest lay bare. I caught Gab staring at me with his jaw dropped. I searched myself investigating what caused his reaction. I quickly wrapped myself with my dressing gown embarrassed at the revelation.
I made us cocoa and we fell on the couch. Exhausted from the day’s activity.
Minutes later it was time for dinner, we were dressing our salad and eating our way to the bottom of our bowls.
“Back at the park, you were about to share something,” he opened a topic for us to talk about.
“Yeah.”
Silence filled the room. I wasn’t really comfortable opening out my past. Only a handful of people know about my sad story, but I have to admit, others have it worse so it's all the more meaningless to talk about it.
“When I was born, my father was probably the happiest man in the world. At last, his first child, his scion, his heir, has finally come. He dreamt for me to take on the business and bring glory to the family, but as time passed by, his true colors slowly revealed itself. He was a strict man, strong and abusive. He’d beat my mother but there was little she could do. I don’t know exactly why but he holds a power over her that makes her unable to leave him behind, even to protect her son.”
“Growing up, I was a particularly soft boy. There weren’t many things that didn’t scare me. I guess I always cherished my life. Whenever I got scared, Mother would come to me and hold me in her arms telling me she’ll be right here. Father wasn’t pleased having a dandy for a son. He signed me up for every program within the country that he believed could make a man out of me. Talented as I was, I excelled in everything; I was an eagle scout, an excellent marksman, a black belter in karate, championed in fencing, and won gold in swimming. The theme was survival and father wanted me to be in touch of what it’s like to be a real man of the wild. ”
“But being superior at all of that didn’t change who I was. And of course it didn’t, he might didn’t know yet but I was well aware of what I am, and I knew then that being gay isn’t a disability. It doesn’t make you any less capable of doing the ‘manly’ things in life. He didn’t believe that though.”
“On the eve of my eighteenth birthday, Father found out about my sexuality, he was outraged to say the least. He said he couldn’t stand the idea of my kind being part of his family, it disgusted him, it violated everything he believed of what a man should be. He slapped me, with all his fury, across my face. I fell to the ground and felt the lowest point of my life yet. ‘The thought of having a gay son is disgraceful,’ is what he said.”
A tear now made its way along my cheek. “‘I have no son,’ he told me. What better way to make sure it doesn’t become part of his family than throwing me out, right? So that night I was forced to leave with nothing but the clothes I wore. The rain helped hide my tears as I cried while walking away from the sight of what used to be my home. To others, they saw it as a castle, but to me it was just a simple house that kept my fondest childhood memories. The games I would play with my cousins, running along the halls, the laughters echoing from the wall, Mother’s tickles and kisses.”
I looked up to suppress more tears from pursuing their downward path.
“I refused to ask for forgiveness. I was born this way and there is nothing I can do to change that. Did he honestly think that if I could change I wouldn’t? Change to avoid the harassment, the bullying, the shame your own flesh and blood felt? Being gay is not a choice.”
“Days came by before my mother found me in the streets some kilometers away from home. She checked me in a hotel and arranged for the bank to transfer half of her fortune to me. She had an account that father couldn’t access but she told me this is all she could give me as she had to take care of my baby sister. She said it wasn’t much, but truthfully it was a lot. The private bankers helped me decide which investments to take to sustain myself until I could graduate college and find myself a job.”
“I’ve been living alone since then, and I’ve never seen anyone from my family after that night; not my mother, my sister, and especially my father.”
“But that was four years ago,” I wiped off a stubborn tear, “I’ve moved on.” I smiled to convince him of my last claim.
“I’m sorry life was hard on you.” Gab replied.
“Life is always hard,” I smiled again, “but that’s life.”
We sat on the couch again and looked out as the city sustained the battering of the raindrops. It was a terrible storm and mighty powerful.
“My couch isn’t big enough. You can sleep on my bed.”
It really wasn’t. It was designed only for two people to sit. It’s tall armrests made it impossible to lie straight, one could only curl to fit on the couch.
“I’m gonna hit the hay. Turn off the lights on your way in.” I closed my bedroom door to keep the light from the living room away. I can’t sleep with the lights on. Father told me only the week couldn’t stand darkness, so I forced my young self to sleep without a nightlight. I took off my dressing gown and lay on the bed shirtless. It was cold and the duvet was right beneath me but I couldn’t be bothered to pull it over. I just wrapped my arms around my shoulders as I lay on my side.
As I closed my eyes, the memory of what transpired that night haunted me. I lied to Gab again. It wasn’t just a slap. My father almost beat the life out me, believing he was striking away the faggot in me. Like that night, I cried myself to sleep again. I’ve never told that story to anyone, not even to the other Godfathers. Recalling everything brought so much pain and hurt.
I suddenly noticed another weight on my bed. It was Gab, I didn’t notice him entering. Damn, he probably heard me cry again. He placed his hand over mine. Keeping my arms as it is, I turned to him, he pulled me in wrapping his arms around mine. I felt overwhelmed by his comforting embrace. I leaned forward poking my forehead on his chest and sobbed the painful memory out of my system. He held my face and wiped my tears with his thumb.
“I’ll be right here, by your side.”
He pulled me closer one last time and then I fell asleep in his arms. I haven’t slept like this in so long. I miss my mother’s embrace, I miss her loving kisses telling me everything was gonna be alright. I know that would be a lie right now, my fate is sealed, I know I won’t be alright. But in this moment, it felt as true as it did years back.
The following day, I woke up to the sight of Gab graciously sleeping on my bed. His face, peaceful; his breathing, calm. The dim light from the stormy skies did little to tamper his beauty.
I got off my bed and wore my robe. I toasted myself a couple of bread, made tea, cooked eggs, and seared a hungarian sausage for breakfast.
“Good morning,” he greeted me as he leaned on the door frame.
“I’ll make you breakfast,” I wiped my hands off the crumbs of the toast.
“No, that’s fine. I can make it myself.”
He proceeded to make breakfast methodically. There was a rhythm to his movement like he knew where everything went. Contrary to this spectacle, I made a huge mess making my breakfast minutes ago.
When the skies cleared, he decided it was safe to head home. I led him to the door and opened it for him.
“In spite of what happened last night, I really had a great time with you.”
He smiled and gently closed the gap between us and landed his lips on mine. I was surprised. It took me a second to process what just happened. His lips were the softest that ever graced mine. It was just one quick kiss, but it felt like forever. Couldn’t have life been a little bit kinder and stopped time for me to take it all in?
“I did too,” he smiled and made his way out of my room.
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