I was fourteen when I had first noticed that I was different from most boys my age. It had terrified me. The boy who used to sit beside me then was extremely popular and had charisma oozing out from every pore of his body. He was always surrounded by people and naturally, I was drawn to him too.

It happened on a Monday. I clearly remember that because we had health education and he was seated beside me again. He and his friends were talking about a girl in the neighbouring class who was rumoured to be the prettiest girl in our grade. And while I did agree that she was gorgeous ( I wasn't blind), I thought that the boy who was currently talking about her was more attractive. The thought hit me with so much force that it made my gut wrench.

Maybe I was overthinking this. Maybe the reason I was drawn to him was because he had characteristics that I admired and wanted for myself. That was probably it. Nothing more.

 I tried not to think about him again.

The second time it happened was when the whole class was invited to his birthday party. I remembered how euphoric it felt to not be left out, even if it was probably out of pity. I was still being included and that was all that mattered. The party was at the arcade in the mall and it was a brilliant idea in my opinion. That way, even if I didn't have anyone to talk to, I would at-least be enjoying myself in gaming heaven.

Pretty girl was invited too, I had noted when I walked into the arcade. Ignoring her presence, I looked around for him and was startled when a hand rested on my shoulder.

"Glad you could make it. You looked really flush when I invited you. I thought you were sick and weren't going to come but I'm glad you're here anyway." He said and my heart started pounding.

"Hey Aaron. Happy birthday." My voice was surprisingly stable given the fact that I could feel my legs giving out.

"Enjoy yourself. The games are on me. I know that you like the racing game and I can't wait to play against you."

"You know about that? How?"

"You really don't pay attention to your surroundings, do you? I've seen you play at the arcade. You're really good, especially at 'Dance dance Revolution'. Most people can't move the way you do."

There it was again. That gut wrenching feeling. I was blushing at what he said and I knew I shouldn't be. It wasn't right. What was happening inside my head wasn't right.

"Thanks, Aaron. Do you want play the game now or later, when you aren't busy?"

He grinned and nodded. "Lets's play."

He had become more free with touching me after that. It was subtle and it had always occurred when no one else was around but I paid no heed to that. I finally looked forward to school everyday.

It was a Saturday and we were at the arcade again. If anyone had told me that I would be sitting with a friend and gaming two months later, I would have laughed at their face. I was teasing him about how he sucked at the game and it happened so quick that I didn't even register it.

"That shut you up." He grinned. Aaron had kissed me and my brain short-circuited. Why did he do that?

For the next week, he kept randomly kissing me when I least expected it. It made me turn tomato red as always and I hated that I liked it. It was wrong, I kept telling myself. I was not supposed to like it. I wanted to confront him about it, I really did but my fear of losing a friend stopped me.

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In hindsight, I should have asked him. I should have confronted him, I thought, my mind finally coming back to the present.

Laurie was still waiting for my answer anxiously. I opened my mouth to respond but was effectively cut off by Raven.

"Hi! The meeting got over sooner than expected because it looks like a storm is coming. Let's head home. I do not want to get caught in the rain!"

He then noticed Laurie, who was looking a bit uncomfortable. Right, I needed to give her an answer.

"I'll be with you in a few minutes. I need to talk to Laurie about something. Could you please wait for me by the gate?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't see how nervous I was. Raven always seemed to know when I was nervous and it was helpful most of the time, but not now.

He slowly nodded, trying to figure me out as he turned and walked away. He gave one last look as he swung the library door open, one which was filled with immense worry and then a knowing jolt passed through my body.

When that all too familiar feeling passed through me, I knew what my answer would be.

"Sure. Let's go on a date and try to get to know each other."

She beamed with joy as she gave me her number, telling me that she would contact me soon about when and where we would go on our date.

When she walked away, I could feel the guilt eating me alive. This was normal right? I was normal. I had to be normal. I couldn't go through what I went through two years ago again. My heart would not take it.

Aaron had been my first crush and at the end also turned out to be my first, extremely excruciating heartbreak. So, with a heavy sigh, my head registered that I had added yet another sin into my miserable life.