“Okay, seriously, what is wrong with you?” Destinee drops into the booth next to me, swirling her drink. “Shouldn’t I be the one who’s sad?”

“I’m sorry. You really deserved to win,” I answer. “Second place is still pretty fucking impressive, though.”

“Duh! I barely expected to get accepted into this competition in the first place, dude. That’s why I’m having a good time, even though I didn’t win. You, on the other hand.”

“What about me? I’m having a good time, too.”

“Jamie.” She grabs my face and forces me to look at her. “Honestly, I appreciate you trying so hard to pretend that everything is okay. It’s sweet that you don’t want to ruin my weekend. But I know you pretty well by now, and I’m sorry to tell you that your act isn’t very convincing.”

I’ve fake-smiled my way through things before, but it’s never been this difficult.

“I’m sorry,” I groan, slumping back in my seat.

“Don’t be sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

God. Where would I even start?

“No.” I take a huge gulp of my drink and scooch it to sit with the other two empty glasses on my table. Destinee watches, her eyebrows raised.

“Okay, well, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but this is an afterparty, and you need to like, look alive.” She pokes my ribs. “I have something that might cheer you up.”

“What’s that?” I ask, doubting it very much.

“To your left, against the wall, blue hair. Don’t be obvious.”

I twist in my seat and spot him. An extremely cute guy with an electric blue shock of curls, and a silver necklace that reaches halfway down his torso. Head bouncing to the music. Pierced lip. Most definitely smiling at me. His eyes do a meaningful drag up and down my face, and he doesn’t look away until I do.

Goddamnit. This is how fucking easy things used to be, before Aiden came along and changed everything.

“That fine-ass man over there?” Destinee nods at him. “He’s been watching you all night.”

“Has he?”

“Yes. I already checked, and he’s bi, so. Claim him or I’m gonna go try and get him for myself.”

I’ll admit that I’ve hit an unprecedented level of sexual frustration ever since what happened, but my mind couldn’t be farther from a casual hookup.

“He’s all yours.”

“Are you crazy? That guy is a ten out of ten.”

“Does this mean I shouldn’t wait up for you?”

“Yeah, probably not. I’ll text you.” She pops a kiss onto my face, leaving a smear of purple lipstick on my cheek. I watch as she gets to her feet, adjusts her skirt, and makes a beeline for the blue-haired boy.

In a way, I’m relieved. If Destinee is going to take off soon, I no longer feel compelled to stay at this afterparty. I close out my tab and step out of the bar onto the cool, damp street. The hotel we’re staying at is partially owned by Destinee’s - I think she said, her great-aunt’s sister-in-law? - and is only two blocks from the bar. I walk silently through the chilly drizzle, swipe my key to call the elevator, and let myself into our room.

Kick off my shoes. Flop down on one of the twin beds. Don’t check, I tell myself. Nothing is going to have changed. I roll off the bed, pull the curtains back from the window, and watch the rain patter against the glass for a moment. My phone is in my hand.

I cave and check it. No new messages, no missed calls, nothing.

It really felt like the world’s least funny joke when we got back to the Fling Thing just in time to catch the fireworks going off. As if the universe was going hey, congratulations on that epic disaster!

Oh, god. I’m cringing just thinking of it. And even worse: the ride home, during which Aiden was silent in the front seat while the rest of the group laughed and chattered and called it the best Fling Thing ever.

We haven’t spoken since. It’s been two days. Destinee and I are headed back to Ketterbridge tomorrow, and not one word.

I thought I’d prepared myself for the possibility that things might go wrong. I thought I was ready to handle that, if it happened. Apparently, the opposite is true.

It feels like my fucking feet have been kicked out from under me. My body won’t let me forget what happened. My dreams are tangled thoughts of Aiden, the press of his mouth against mine, his fingers gripping my hair. I keep waking up sweating, out of breath, cursing.

My phone screen lights up: I have a text message. I scramble to unlock it. It’s Kent, asking if I remember where we left the spare pair of gardening gloves at the store.

“God! Damnit!” I’m basically ready to fling my phone at the wall.

That kiss. That fucking unbelievable kiss. I know it’s going to follow me around for the rest of my life, even though it cost me everything. This is the longest Aiden and I have gone without talking in forever.

Tears well up in my eyes, and I drop back onto the bed again, wondering if it’s worth spending like $500 to gorge myself on all the candy in the minibar. I can’t shake the horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that I’ve lost him.

The ache in my chest won't go away. I think of his laughter at the Ghost Office, his giddy excitement after a mission gone right, the crinkle at the corners of his eyes when I say something that makes him grin. His sleepy smile, when I woke up next to him. His lips, opening up for mine beneath the Guardian Tree.

I sit upright in bed, having abruptly arrived at a decision. You know what? No. This is not happening. I refuse. He’s too important. Maybe at this point I’d give up on someone else, but not him.

I call his number. It goes straight to voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Aiden. Leave a message.”

Oh, god. Should I leave a message? The tone beeps before I have time to decide.

“Hey, um.” Shit! Why didn’t I think about what to say? Should I hang up? No, it’s way too late. “Hi. It’s me. It’s been two days, I haven’t heard from you. Just wanted to, um…” I hear with horror the too-long silence that ensues while I struggle for the right words. “Just missed you. Can you call me? Okay. Um. Bye.”

I hang up with my face burning. That was terrible, oh my fucking god. I can’t leave it like that. I call back, wait for the voicemail prompt.

“Hey, sorry about that. That was a weird message, my bad. Look, I’m sorry if I screwed everything up. If you want to be angry, that’s fine, and I can ride that out, seriously, but please please call me back. Let’s at least talk. I don’t expect anything from you, that’s not… If you don’t want to talk to me anymore, can you at least tell me? I’m sorry. Please call me. Okay. Bye.”

I tap my lip for a second, then dial again.

“Hey, it’s Aiden. Leave a message.”

“Hey! I changed my mind. It’s totally not cool if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I care too much about you, I’m not about to let you walk away. You’re still my best friend, whether you like it or not, and I’m still going to be yours, so, yeah. I promise I’ll never do that again if you don’t want me to, alright? Just call me back.”

Why won’t he pick up? Now I’m starting to worry about him. I hit the call button again, but this time for a different contact. Kent, in his very dad-like way, picks up immediately.

“Hey, Jamie. How did Destinee do?”

“What? Oh, she did great. Tell you all about it later. Listen, is Aiden at home?”

“No, I actually haven’t seen him since the Fling Thing. He took off with his backpack, didn’t say where he was going.”

I feel like someone’s just slapped me across the face.

“What?” Suddenly I’m almost shouting. “Why didn’t you stop him?”

“Stop him?” Now Kent sounds bewildered. “What are you talking about? Do I need to remind you that I’m not actually his dad?”

“What did he say, when he left?”

“He grabbed his stuff and told me not to worry, that was it.” A pause. “Should I be worried?”

“No. Gotta go, bye.”

I hang up and lay flat on my back, staring at the ceiling. I know better than anyone that Aiden can fit his whole life into that one backpack.

I roll onto my side, curl up, and burst into tears.

~~~~

I spend a long time in the shower the next morning, leaning my forehead against the tiled wall. If we didn’t have a strict checkout time from the hotel, I’d probably have stayed even longer, but instead I scrub the crusted tears off of my face and help Destinee pack up her things. She can tell that I’m even more subdued than I was before, but she’s tired and hungover, her fingers stained with blue hair dye. She falls asleep the moment we hit the road, which is fine with me. I’m not up to doing much talking.

When we get back, I help Destinee haul her bag up the stairs to her apartment, then sit in my car, thinking.

Me 2:15 PM: Did he come back?

Kent 🌻 2:16 PM: No, I’m sorry, buddy. You need someone to hang out with? Gabby and I are going to the farmer’s market.

I toss my phone into the passenger’s seat, cursing quietly. I’m seriously considering going to Kent’s house and checking to see whether Aiden left any of his stuff behind, but that feels stalker-ish, wrong. Is there some way for me to track him down? Catch him, before he can go too far? Who would know where he might be going?

Ms. Callahan is clearly surprised to see me. She pulls open the door, concern spreading across her lined face.

“James? Are you alright? You look…” She takes my chin in her hand, the way older people do when they’re inspecting you. “What happened?”

“Nothing, I just - have you heard from Aiden over the last few days?”

“No, I haven’t." Her eyes soften. She steps back and beckons me inside. "Come in, honey. Do you want some tea?”

“N- yeah, okay.”

She makes us two cups of Earl Grey. I sit in silence, kneading my palm anxiously while she sets the mugs out on the kitchen table.

“Did you two have a fight?”

“No. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think so.” I nibble my lip. “I think I did something wrong, and now nobody knows where he is.”

“Ah.” She stirs her tea, and I take a sip of mine, just to have something to do with my hands. “Sometimes he gets like this.”

“Like what?”

Ms. Callahan reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Try to understand, sweetheart. He’s so used to being alone. If things get to be too much for him, he’ll usually try to seek out a place to be by himself. But you boys are such great friends. I know how much he cares about you. I’m sure that whatever happened, you two will figure it out.”

“So… he’s gonna come back? From wherever he went?”

Ms. Callahan hesitates, and my heart plummets.

“Honestly, James, I’ve heard so little from him over the last eight years, and he was so angry all the time in high school, I could barely get him to talk to me. He’s not the same as he was anymore, so I can’t say with certainty what he’ll do. In a way, we’re getting to know each other all over again.” She takes a sip of tea. “What happened, exactly?”

“I…” It doesn’t seem fair to tell her everything. That should be something Aiden gets to do. “I think I maybe offered him a choice he didn’t want to make.”

“Hmm.” Ms. Callahan taps her fingers on her teacup. “Well, darling. He’s been making all of his choices out of desperation for a long time. Maybe this is the first one he’s really gotten to make for himself. It makes sense to me that he’d want a good long time to think about it.” Her eyes linger on my face. “Especially if it’s an important one.”

I look into my teacup so that I don’t have to look at her.

“He didn’t even call you, when he was gone for eight years?”

“He did, but very rarely. Only when he... when he was at his lowest points. And there was the time the hospital called on his behalf.”

“The hospital?” I startle and look up at her. She tilts her head to the side, a deep sadness in her face.

“He had a very bad drinking problem, sweetie. Didn’t he tell you that?”

“Well - he did, but I didn’t know it was like that.”

Ms. Callahan pushes her tea away and gathers up my hand in hers.

“Do you remember when I told you that things have never been easy for him?”

“Yes.”

“He’s worked very hard,” she says, “Just to get where he is. I know I ask you for favors all the time, but will you do one more for me?”

“Of course."

“Be patient with him. All seeds need time to hide in the soil before they can grow.”

~~~~

I slowly climb up the stairs towards my apartment, my head spinning. Ms. Callahan’s words are on repeat in my ears.

I remember the stack of tickets that were in Aiden’s passport. I imagine one more ticket added to the pile, a one-way trip to anywhere but Ketterbridge. What am I going to do, if he ran again? If he really truly up and left? Ms. Callahan didn’t even attempt to deny that it was a possibility.

I know he needs time. I know that. But I’m not about to sit here and let him go on thinking he has to do everything alone.

How quickly can I pack up my stuff? I already have a backpack full of clothes right now, from my trip with Destinee. I’ll exchange the dirty clothes for clean ones and dig up some gas money. Then turn right back around and get in my car, drive until I find him. Kent’s going to be mad that I’m missing more shifts, but I’ll make it up to him later.

I pull out my phone and send a quick text to Destinee: Can you water my plants for a few days? Explain later I promise. I have my phone charger in the car already, that’s good, no worries about losing the GPS. Not that I have the slightest idea of where I’m going. It doesn’t matter. I’ll go everywhere. Aiden can’t have gotten far yet, right? I step onto the landing, rushing to get my keys out of my pocket. Time is of the essence.

I look up and stop.

Aiden is sitting on the floor in the hallway, his back leaning against the door of my apartment. His hat rests on the backpack next to him. His head is tipped back, and a lock of glossy chestnut hair falls into his eyes. He’s asleep.

I stand there for a long time, just looking at him.

Eventually, I drop to a crouch before him and gently prod his knee. His eyelids flutter; he blinks and stirs. His stubble is longer than normal, like he’s seen a few days without a razor. It comes in so thick and fast - the kind of beard growth that makes other men jealous. I’m struck by the memory of feeling it brush against my cheek.

He looks up at me, rubbing his eyes sleepily, and freezes.

“Hey,” I try, my voice a little hoarse.

“Hey," he says, and it's a fucking miracle to hear his voice.

I extend a hand, and he takes it. I pull him to his feet.

“Thanks. Sorry.” He runs a hand through his sleep-tousled hair. “I knew you were getting back today, but I didn’t know what time, figured I’d just wait.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what to say. I’m dying to grab him into a fierce hug. “How long have you been waiting?”

“I don’t know.” He checks his watch. “I must have passed out. I, um. Haven’t gotten much sleep, the last few nights.”

“Me neither.” God, I’m so stupid happy to see him. “I’m sorry you had to wait. You could’ve texted me.”

“I went hiking somewhere without reception, so I didn’t bring my phone with me. I haven’t been back to my place yet.”

“You came straight here?”

“Yeah.” Aiden finally looks at me, pinning me to the spot with his blue gaze. “Can we talk?”