Hushed whispers and the clinking of silverware on plates beckoned Kaide from sleep. He opened his eyes slowly, staring at the ceiling. The popcorned surface gave the impressions of little mountains, casting vast shadows over the plains and foothills. As Kaide woke up, he focused more on the murmured voices coming from the kitchen, trying to pick out what Wren was talking to himself about today.

“..first time we’ve been together for his birthday in years..”

Kaide opened his eyes fully. That was Yanlie’s voice, not Wren’s. And that affirming hum came from Ruby. He shot up on the couch, twisting around to look over the back and into the kitchen. Wren and Trace were standing at the counters, cooking eggs and making toast. Yanlie, Ruby, and Lily sat at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and snacking on pastries. At the movement, Ruby looked over and gave him an excited smile.

“You’re awake! Happy birthday!”

The others chimed in, and Kaide found himself blinking away tears. A noise from the other direction drew his attention away from his friends, as Vanessa emerged from Wren’s bedroom, looking pale and drawn. She gave him a small smile, and Kaide felt his heart thud in his chest.

“Happy birthday, Kaide,” she said softly, leaning against the closed door.

That straw broke the camel’s back. Kaide broke into tears, as much as he tried to keep a strong face. He hadn’t seen Vanessa since the accident. Though the wounds on her cheek had healed into scars and she was no longer soaked in her own blood, Kaide couldn’t help but feel like she still looked broken from the event that had separated them over five years ago. And she was here, to see him, for his birthday.

Kaide launched off the couch and ran over to her, hugging her tightly. Despite the lack of fire in her eyes, a fierce determination that Kaide had come to love, she still hugged him with the same love. He buried his face in her shoulder, and she smiled, kissing the side of his head.

“Hey, buddy. I missed you too.”

Ruby chimed in with a soft harmony of ‘aww’ from the kitchen, and Kaide forced himself to pull away, laughing self consciously as he brushed his tears away. Vanessa glanced him up and down, and Kaide became acutely aware of the fact that he had fallen asleep in his boxers on the couch and little else. Face burning, Kaide darted into the bathroom, drawing a laugh from Trace, and snickers from Lily and Yanlie. Wren came to his rescue, tossing clothes in through the doorway, and Kaide got dressed quickly before stepping out to see his friends.

“Why are you all here?” he asked slowly, unable to keep the smile off his face.

“Did you forget your own birthday?” Lily said with a raised eyebrow.

“No- I just, wasn’t expecting this.”

Ruby gave a guilty smirk over the rim of their coffee mug. “It was my idea! I’m sorry we surprised you, but it’s been so long since we were together for your birthday, and I wanted it to be really nice for you…”

Kaide smiles, stepping around the table to give them a hug, which they returned warmly. Kaide took his seat, and Trace soon deposited a plate full of bacon, eggs, and toast in front of him. Trace delivered a kiss to the side of Kaide’s head, mockingly, and stepped away to start handing out food to the others. Soon the kitchen was filled with the sounds of eating, idle chatter, and birdsong, with a late spring breeze drifting through the bay window. Trace and Ruby were engaged in deep conversation about their latest hookups, while Yanlie pestered Lily about manners. Wren and Vanessa both seemed out of it; Wren for the commotion, Vanessa for lack of sleep. Kaide smiled, heart soaring with memories of being gathered around the lunch table, talking about everything and nothing. After high school, Kaide thought he’d never get moments like this with his friends again.

Lily broke him out of his thoughts. “So, any big plans today, hot shot?”

Kaide stumbled for a moment, and pushed a clump of scrambled eggs around his plate with his fork. “Well… Me and Molls talked last night, and she wasn’t sounding so good. She sounded like she really missed me, I think, saying how hard it was having all this distance between us.”

“She’s always wanted to get out to see the world,” Yanlie tosses out, piercing a blueberry with their fork. “I don’t think anything could keep her bound.”

“I know- she’s been talking to me about her brushing up on her Mandarin and going to China. Hong Kong, Shanghai, Qingdao, Guilin… She wants to see everything.” Kaide rattled the names off excitedly, and Yanlie smiled softly at his pronunciation.

“Are you going with her, then?” Wren asks, speaking for the first time.

“Me? God, no, I… I belong here, you know? It’d be nice to get out and be free, but my heart is here. I love this area too much to let it go.” Kaide caught Vanessa’s frown. “But I figure, if she’s lonely down in Boston, I’ll go pay her a visit! It’ll be my birthday present to myself!” Kaide grinned.

“I think that’s a great idea, Kaide!” Ruby exclaimed, and their excitement infected the others- even Vanessa, after a moment.

“Speaking of gifts…” Trace slid his chair back and stood, disappearing out the front door for a moment. He returned soon enough, arms full of presents, each wrapped in the color signifying who had sent the gift. Though she wasn’t present, the indigo-wrapped brick that Trace struggled to heft around was most certainly a book from Mio.

Kaide found himself close to tears again, looking at the gifts his friends had brought. “You guys didn’t have to do all this for me…”

“Nonsense! We love you, Kaide,” Ruby was quick to remind him, with Yanlie and Wren backing them up with soft hums.

The present from Mio was indeed a book, specifically about gardening and its therapeutic benefits. Lily gifted him a little plush monkey, small enough to be attached to a keychain. Vanessa’s present was a jade-green beanie, complete with a sunflower embroidered on the side.

Kaide held the gift, giving Vanessa a confused smile. “You know I always wear the purple one for Molls,” he said, pulling it on all the same.

“I know,” she said.

More clothes came from Ruby in the form of a new hoodie, a perfect replica of the red one he always wore in highschool. Kaide pulled it on immediately despite the weather, and felt comfort and anonymity wash over him. He pulled the hood up at the front to rub the soft inner lining on his cheeks, smiling brightly. It was perfect. Wren’s violet wrapping paper held the newest Watsky vinyl, Placement, which Kaide fawned over in delight. Kaide noted that there was no orange-wrapped present on the table, but wasn’t surprised. The two hadn’t even been on speaking terms until last week. Even if Trace had remembered his birthday, Kaide would rather have Trace saving his money than wasting it on him.

Which, of course, was when Trace stood and walked around the table, pushing Kaide’s chair back from the table and pulling the shorter man into a tight hug. Kaide blinked, quickly turning several shades of red as he hugged Trace back, trying to hide his face in the other’s shoulder to block out the amused calls from their audience. Eventually Kaide had enough of the contact, as nice as it was, and shoved Trace away, who backed away with a self satisfied grin.

The final gift, from Yanlie, was sweet but simple: a pair of gardening gloves. They had scolded him before for the cuts on his hands.

Breakfast passed simply, with idle chatter about summer plans and museum exhibits. Ruby offered to drive Kaide to the train station the next town over, while the others stayed at Wren’s and helped with the dishes. Kaide did his best not to dig his nails into the tan upholstery of Ruby’s sedan, though nerves jangled through his stomach with every pothole. The train station was vast, hot, and empty. Kaide sat on the sunbleached asphalt and waited, anxiously picking at blades of grass that worked their way through the cracks in the concrete.

---

Kaide didn’t like Boston. It was large, with buildings that spanned as far as the eye can see, and as far as one could look up and down. The strips of blue that peered between the rows of buildings felt far away without the touch of wind to accompany it. Though trees and bushes had been planted here and there, Kaide could not help but feel like this was a dead land, broken by years of conquest.

The streets where Molly lived were more familiar to him. Lawns were short, but overburdened with scraggly grass and bushes that seemed set on consuming the houses they sat next to, rather than adorning them. This place was a quiet reminder of what Boston had started out as: a home, not a city. Neighborhoods had grown into shopping districts, bought out into advertising agencies. Still, behind the brick buildings and glass spires, little run-down archives of the past remained.

The porch leaned heavily to one side, and clung to curling strips of dirtied paint. Kaide didn’t take in the grime that was caked into every crack and etching. He didn’t examine the unwashed sides of the buildings or hypothesize on the last time, if ever, the windows had been washed. The houses, close as they were, left little room for parking, and thus the already narrow one-way street was choked with cheap cars bragging state college names. Wanting to surprise her, Kaide pulled open the screen door, and let himself into the house she rented a room out of using the spare key she had given him ages ago.

The hallway was narrow and filthy. The staircase, Kaide knew, had not been cleaned since the last time someone threw up on it. He didn’t take his shoes off, as the inside likely held more dirt than the outside. The TV droned quietly in the living room, and Kaide could hear the light sound of sleeping beneath the laugh track, so he figured he’d check there first. He crept down the hall, past the closed door of one of her roommates, and peered into the living room.

She was there, laid on the couch. Her hair was down, and splayed over her face and back like a wild curtain of night. She still wore yesterday’s makeup, looking like chalky bruises over her eyes and lips. She was naked. They both were, actually. She wasn’t alone on the couch, and the man she laid on was similarly asleep. His chest and neck were smudged with purple kisses, and he held her loosely in his arms. Kaide stared at their two forms until his eyes blurred, until their skin blended into one mass, until all he could see was red.

There was a bat by the door. It was meant to protect against invaders. Kaide could feel its presence in the room like it had a heartbeat, pulses of awareness crashing over his side, tempting him, begging him. She cheated on him. He should make them pay. He should tear them apart, show them the consequences of their actions. He should be justice. He should make them bleed.

Kaide turned and walked away.

He left his beanie, all faded purple and sour memories, on the banister. He left his key on top of it, nestled in the dimpled fabric. He stepped outside, and the daylight was blinding. She had cheated on him.

---

Kaide sat on a bench in a park. He held an iced coffee in one hand, his phone in the other. The iced coffee was sweating profusely in the late spring heat, running rivers of condensation over his hand. His phone was buzzing with texts from Molly, but Kaide didn’t read the words. He sat and watched the people passing by, sipping his coffee, too numb to cry. The next train up north wasn’t for a while, and Kaide had plenty of time to sit and stew in his thoughts.

Of course she had cheated on him. That’s what she was trying to say last night, wasn’t it? That the distance between them was too much, and Molly was ready to move forward while he wanted to stay behind. So what if they were highschool sweethearts, it was about time they broke up. It was about time Kaide grew up. His hand clenched in a fist around his phone, and he drank faster, as if the disappearing liquid would summon the train forth.

But worse yet was himself. The thoughts in his head that he couldn’t escape from. How sweet and tempting that violence had been, just as it had been all those years ago. When Vanessa was hurt, he hadn’t stopped himself. He’d flown into a rage, demanding blood compensation for his injured friend. It wasn’t fair that she’d been hit by a car. It wasn’t fair, because that night meant so much to her and that person stole it from her. Kaide would make it fair.

Why was he like this? Why did he believe in violence? Why did he lash out, and why did it feel so good? That was the hardest part of coming to terms with his crime. Even years after doing it, he still felt right. He still felt justified. He had to reason with himself that it might be what he felt, but it wasn’t what he knew. He knew he could be better, knew that violence wouldn’t give back what was taken from him. Hurting Molly for cheating on him wouldn’t change the fact that it had happened. Still, that little voice whispered for justice.

Kaide might have been let out of prison, but he couldn’t help but feel like he should still be locked away. Someone as sick, someone as violent as him, didn’t deserve to walk the streets. What if next time, he couldn’t walk away? Was he perpetuating a lie, every time his friends thought he was a good person? Fuck, why would Molls want to be with someone like him? The tears spilled over, fresh, and Kaide kept sucking down his coffee, like it would quell the hot grief in his chest.

“You’re a good person because you choose to be,” she had said to him when she picked him up from prison. “That’s what Yanlie said, anyway. You might think bad things, but the difference comes when you choose to do good things instead. And I know you, babe. You always choose good.”

What did she know, anyway?

---

Kaide slammed the screen door as he entered. Wren looked up with a jolt of surprise, staring at Kaide with wide eyes. Kaide stared back at him, face hardened in a glare. Wren slowly put down his dishtowel, turning to look at Kaide.

“What..”

Kaide turned and left. He couldn’t stand to be inside right now. Walls were just like the city, they were close and claustrophobic and made to choke you out. He stomped down the front steps and to his garden, falling to his knees in the dirt. He reached in among the bobbing heads of his radishes, yanking up the spade-tipped leaves of weeds. Dirt wrestled under his fingernails, his knees ached with every rock they found. He crawled and sweat, and when he ran out of rows to weed, he grabbed his hoe and started hacking at an unmanaged piece of ground, sending clumps of roots and dirt flying.

Wren stood in the doorway and stared, hands clasped quietly in front of him. Sweat trickled down Kaide’s brow, and after a few long moments, Wren turned, leaving Kaide to pour his feelings into the earth with every cruel slice of his tool through the sod.