I sat up suddenly gasping for air, looking around me in the empty bedroom, and the side where Cheng was supposed to be was so cold that I believed he actually never came to bed. What did the hell happen? Days were passing by so quickly and I felt that time was slipping through my fingertips, leaving me frustrated about not being in control and managing it efficiently as I wanted.

I had to get back on track, get my body strong and healthy, and my mind focused on my tasks. I hoped that the doctor would understand what was wrong with me and help me to get better as soon as possible because I was tired of being stuck in that situation. I couldn't keep on relying on Cheng and abuse his kindness like that.

My body ached as I moved, but I kept going. It wasn't something to be surprised about as recently; all I felt was pain and hurtful thoughts. I detached raging the IV still inside my arm with anger before I slouched and walked to the bathroom. I hated how that medication made me feel; something wasn't right. I will tell Cheng that I felt better and that I didn't need the IV anymore, I couldn't bring myself to tell him about my discomfort.

Moving toward the sink, I opened the tap washing my face and teeth, pondering the idea of having a cold shower as my body felt like I was about to burst. Dizzy, I scratched the thought of moving further. I turned the tap to the cold side and sank my head under it, breathing harshly for the freezing sensation on my boiling scalp. I allowed my negative thoughts to slip off my brain with the water, drowning them down the sink as I focused on my breathing. I gathered all my energy and scanned the parts that were hurting or making me uncomfortable, imagining healing them with acceptance and love. I heard it might help, so why not try it?

After a few minutes of pointless meditation and self-healing, I turned the tap off, drying my hair with a face towel when something cathed my attention. There was a huge red and violet mole on the left side of my neck with some capillary spreading all over it. Even though it looked painful, as soon as I touched it, nothing made me flinch. I made my way out of the bathroom and dabbed my hair with a towel-

“Hey, you okay?”

Startled, I swiftly covered the mole with a hand and wore something to hide it, ignoring his eyes scanning me as I did so. I knew he saw it, but I didn't want him to look at it every time we would talk as it was impossible not to stare at it at how awful it looked.

Will I ever look decent in front of him? 

I hope he will stop pitying me, even though I was not doing anything to stop and prove them wrong.

“Come, I will make you some soup.” Cheng smiled warmingly and grabbed my wrist, taking me into the living room. His hold was firm but not overwhelming, and the contact made me shiver. I could feel his heartbeat from our connection, and a warm wave rushed in and out of my body, finding myself about to pull Cheng on me and hold him close just to lose myself in that rhythmic dance that obsessed me so much.

“Cheng, do you have some red meat…?” I asked without thinking, suddenly feeling my mouth water. Embarrassed, I hoped that my request wouldn’t require too much of him. I had that weird craving since he appeared in the picture, and somehow I couldn't understand why. I gulped down and licked my lips at the imaginary scene of a bloody steak, making me feverish at the idea of biting into it. 

“Sure, just give me a second then.” Cheng took out his smartphone from his skinny black suit trousers. He tapped on the smooth screen, placed his phone against his ear after a second, and then started talking with someone in Chinese, walking up and down the room anxiously. Lost in the conversation, he placed a fist on his hip, avoiding my gaze. His torso muscles under his camel long-neck sweater were so tense that I could clearly distinguish each part of them. He suddenly raised his voice and startled me once again but then...

Then, Xiao Luo’s figure came into the picture. Sat at the far end of the table, he looked at me sharply and sank into his shoulders. He intertwined his shaky hands together, intimating me to sit down as he held his breath when I did as instructed. A myriad of questions came up into my mind, but when I was about to speak, his expression quivered, as if he was scared of me.

“Doctor, what happened yesterday? I only remember that I suddenly felt sick again…” I confessed sitting down slowly since he seemed about to dash. Worried about being too loud and bothering Cheng's conversation, I gradually leaned a bit closer to him, still maintaining enough distance, striving to not stare at his swollen and patched face. 

But the doctor didn't answer and when I was about to push for an answer Cheng suddenly closed the call and sat next to me. With composure, he sat sideways and places an arm around the back of my chair as if he wanted to protect me, and the other grabbed my knee under the table. I noticed I was anxiously moving my leg up and down making it bounce slightly on the spot only when his hand was on it.

“He asked you something, answer his question,” Cheng ordered looking sternly at the doctor. I didn't know they weren't on good terms... I was sorry for both of them, as because of me they had to meet each other. “I'm going outside for a second; I'll be right back.” My friend leaned in to inform me of his temporary absence and stood up, but I unconsciously tensed up when our small contact broke "Or I can stay, -"

"No, don't worry... Do what you need to do, we'll be waiting for you." I quickly reassured him while cursing internally at myself. I bit the inside of my cheek to force a smile and nodded as he looked at me twice before leaving, unsure of my response. I knew he could somehow see my discomfort, but I hoped he would just ignore it and let me be. I was feeling overwhelmed, guilty for worrying the only person who seemed to care for me and my health state was only making everything worse. I just wanted to be an ordinary university student, with his own problems to face and a future to build...

"Alright... Be right back," he hesitantly confirmed as he shut the front door behind him, making me sink in my chair slightly. The air in the room soon became heavy. I felt nervous suddenly and ordered myself to steady my breathing as I recognised my accelerated heartbeat. He was just outside... I wondered how he managed to make me so dependent on him in such a short period. I wasn't the person who would rely on others and abuse them emotionally and physically, but it seemed that I was unconsciously doing it with Cheng.

I had to get a grip, and quickly. I had to remember who I was; the pain and hardships that shaped me but didn't break me... I just needed to endure that new environment and focus on my priorities. Whatever will be thrown at me I was sure I could overcome it. I was strong, with or without Cheng. 

“I think you should be checked by someone else; I'm not capable of curing someone like you.” the doctor stated coldly and looked anxiously at the door. He then clenched my wrist and pulled me closer to him, an evil gaze mixed with fear raging in his dark eyes. I hardly maintained the balance to not fall onto him.

“Get away from the young master. Leave him alone, you monster!” he shouted furiously, shoving me off the chair. A pleasant smile rose from his lips when I violently hit the floor, leaving me completely shocked. The doctor crept over my body and pinned me on the floor under his body weight. He snickered when he grabbed something from his back, making me wince.

"Doctor!" I managed to call him out before his firm hand clenched my throat "No-!" I huffed already out of breath, squirming under him and trying to fight back but struggling as I felt my body still fragile. I clenched my hands on his and hoped that he would release me, that it was just a warning of something, but he didn't. Tears slid down my blurry eyes, making me finally understand how serious he was... He wanted to kill me, but why?

Why did everybody want to hurt me?

As soon as I let my mind wander, my vision started to darken, and my body slowly lost its strength, leaving me at his mercy. As I stopped resisting, I noticed that something sharp was stabbing my chest repeatedly, exactly where my heart was. I moaned, complaining with the last bit of energy I had in my body, trying to shake him off. If only I weren't in that condition... 

When was I really going to be able to fight back and finally protect myself?

The front door suddenly opened, and I could faintly hear Cheng shouting and yelling before I was about to give in. I forced myself to open my eyes and place a hand faintly on my chest, and saw Cheng tackle the doctor, who fell on his back and started to get beaten into a pulp. His expression showed fear and regret, and somehow it resembled a dog when they tear apart your sofa but still asks for forgiveness even if they will do it again when you would turn your back.

I rolled to the side, breathless, trying to call Cheng's name between a huff and another. His fists were resonating in the room, and the whimpers coming from the doctor made my skin crawl. What he did was wrong, but... I felt sorry anyway. I just wanted to ask him why he did it, and why he thought I was a threat. If I did something wrong, he should tell me, and I will behave consequently. I wouldn't dare to hurt people or put them in danger in the first place.

I forced myself to act, and I crawled towards Cheng, grabbing him from the back and pulling him on me so that he would fall on my body and back onto the floor.

“I-it’s okay," I attempted to convey as I clenched my arms around his torso "H-he was scared, I d-don’t know why. Let him be, please.” I stuttered hyperventilating, pressing his body closer to mine in search of his usual comforting warmth. “I'm okay, Cheng.” I tried to sound firm and reassuring, but I couldn’t seem to stop the tears that kept running down my cheeks. 

My chest felt so heavy at the thought of another person hating me for some weird reason, and that hurt me. No matter how many times I told myself that other people didn't define who I was, or that I shouldn't care about what they said... It just, simply, hurt. All the nice and motivational phrases I kept repeating to myself for all these years still weren't merged with my system. I couldn't deny how I felt; I couldn't make myself stop those ugly tears that were always defying me as weak.

A sob escaped from my lips as I clenched his clothes, painful memories were rushing in front of my eyes, the ones I managed to keep hidden for a long time. But ultimately, they stopped when Cheng turned toward me and hugged me like I was the most important person in his life. 

Have you ever felt those hugs where you think you can touch the love that the other person wants to give you?

That was one of them.

Cheng's chest was pressed closely against mine; his arms tightened around my shoulders and his chin was next to my neck. His warmth was comforting; his love filled me up and reassured me, somehow making disappear all those memories I was reviving.

I felt healed and understood, even if we didn't talk.

I felt loved and accepted, even if I didn't have to prove anything.

I felt at peace like the war I had in my life never existed.

We both tensed up when we realised what we were sharing, meaning that our embrace dissolved and was replaced with worry. Cheng's hands moved toward my chest, pressing it firmly as he held his weary breath, turning his face to one side.

"Now you get the fuck out of here, or I'm going to kill you once and for all," Cheng roared toward the doctor, who trembled as he looked at us in disgust. Xiao Luo collected his belongings in a flash and rushed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him with a loud thud.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone. I'm sorry.” Cheng apologised as he moved closer to my face, looking at my dry lips. His body twitched uncomfortably, and his lips landed over my temple in the end. “I'm never going to leave you again.” He whispered on my damp skin, shaking me from head to toe from how his words got me. I didn't realise I was holding my breath since he got closer.

"Cheng, I'm fine," I started trying to calm down, I wasn't sure how the pain of the wounds wasn't hurting me as much as before, but if I was meant to die in his arms, I wasn't about to complain. "Thank you for saving me... Really," I confessed, feeling my heart pumping dangerously fast in my chest. I tried to stop my tears from flowing out and down my cheeks, but what I was feeling now wasn't pain nor sadness, was eternal gratitude.

"No, it was all my fault," he complained with anger and bitterness in his voice "I'll make sure you'll be fine, I promise." Cheng left one hand over my chest, and with the other, he made sure to embrace me closely once again. I let out a sigh and released all the tension all at once. I endlessly melted into the hug, making sure to savour all the forgotten emotions and impregnate them into my memory, rewriting the sad memories with these new ones. I will never forget them; I won't allow it.

"You'll be fine, Mae," he reassured me, drying my cheeks with his thumb. Cheng kissed all the traces that my tears have left on my cheeks, making us both smile at the embarrassing but heartwarming moment we were sharing. "It's a promise," he concluded, laying his forehead on mine and closing his eyes, leaving me alone in front of his magnificent persona.