I suddenly felt too hot, so I woke up abruptly covered in sweat and panting like I just had a run. Luckily today, we didn’t have any classes... because what happened yesterday have tormented me all night, and I barely got in a few hours of sleep as the vision of Cheng crying kept running in front of my eyes like a broken record. So I highly doubt that I would have been able to concentrate on classes as always. 

But I wondered if Cheng will remember anything about last night because he was really drunk. Of course, part of me hoped that he didn't...Maybe I should to just disappear before it was too late. 

The usual negative voice inside my head started to murmur about how many bad things happened since Cheng met me... or better, since I recklessly accepted to stay by his side. 

What happened yesterday was only the beginning, the anger, the violence, the tears...Cheng would surely be better off me for the obvious reasons. 

But for my selfish desire to stay inside his light or to wrap up myself in his warmth and cosiness, I was ready to suffer just a little bit more until it filled up all my deepest holes inside my body and soul. I wanted to taste and burn myself, meaning that I had to accept whatever his desires were... And what worried me was that I didn't care about that. I wanted to get hurt for him, and it scared me.

It scared me because I could change the outcome and leave. I could still protect Cheng and myself from ulterior suffering if I wanted to because every day was the perfect day to break up everything we had together. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to do so. The only thing that came to my mind would be the pain that came with leaving because I was a master at it. But not with him, apparently.

My motto was 'Another person I care about, another person I hurt and then leave behind.' And all that was applied in my daily life just so that I could survive. Because everybody can leave, but nobody wants to be the one who's left behind.

I knew that I had a lot to live at such a young age, a lot of suffering and problems to face, but that was only my coping mechanism. I knew that I had to experience a lot, make mistakes, cry, hurt, and get angry to grow up. But I also wanted to avoid getting into the same mistakes, cry for the same reason, and get mad at myself for letting some people come into my life and alter it.

Even strangers could see through me. They knew how rotten I was inside, and Xiao Luo, Cheng's doctor, was one of them. He told me to disappear from his life without even knowing me. So before he could get another chance to kill me for good, it was better if I made my way out of Cheng's life. I only had to gather some courage and disappear... I relied on Cheng too much for so long already. I couldn't keep on tormenting him like that anymore. And I was strong enough to keep going, right?

I turned, moving slowly towards the empty side beside me, happy to see Cheng giving me his back. Last night he wouldn't let go of me; he kept hugging and squeezing me all night. And when I was trying to get away, he would just push his body against mine, whining like a small puppy, making me regret even doing it. 

But what happened last night... I couldn't let it happen again. All that was was for his own good, and I was finally brave enough this time to take a step back before it was too late. I hurt him already.

I didn't want to make it worse only because I.. cared about him.

I knew I was wrong in believing in him and what he said. I was wrong in choosing him and not my workplace because I wouldn't be able to pay for my hostel and my general expenses. I knew he acted for the best, but how could I manage to sustain myself now? How could I rely on a person that had everything he ever wanted without sweating for it? Only I knew what I had to go through now, so why do I always make other people chose for me?

I recognised that I was trying to pick negative sides of Cheng only to be brave enough and walk out of that house while hoping he wouldn't spread some rumours about me tomorrow at university. I had enough on my plate already since I had to search for another job while praying that the hostel wouldn’t kick me out as I had the payment to settle by tomorrow. They had kindly postponed it once already as I told them that the pub would have to pay me this week, but now I guess they wouldn't. 

I held my tears as I dressed up and got my stuff before I could think it over and postpone it once again. It had to be today, and I knew that if Cheng were awake, I wouldn't be able to do it. 

When I made my way towards the front door, I was prepared to bold out of the building in no time, ready to ignore him from tomorrow onwards and glue my heart and eyes together as I felt they were already breaking apart. I bet Cheng would ignore me as well, so I was just accelerating the separation process...

A single tear slid down my cheek.

My heart was beating so fast that I thought it would explode, and... and I couldn't breathe; how breathing became so hard to do nowadays? Since when I was feeling like invisible hands were choking me? Why did I want to scream, to faint, to disappear all at the same time only when I was the one that was leaving? 

 “So you want to leave like that, after what happened?” Cheng's hoarse voice pierced right through my heart, cutting deep the last bit of dignity that I had.

“What-” I breathed out, surprised. I withdrew my hand off the doorknob and turned around to face him, feeling my eyes swollen and ready to push tears out. Cheng was only a meter away from me, but it came closer and closer. 

“I meant what I said yesterday, all of it. Work for me and stay here.” Cheng said earnestly, touching and holding my hand, “Chin Mae, stay here with me. Don’t abandon me.” 

I shook my head, walking backwards, allowing to some tears fall and slid freely off my face. He couldn't do that to me. How dare he said that- 

“I will be whatever you want. I will be the best best friend you've ever had..." he smiled bitterly, slowly removing the wet traces with his thumbs. Cheng touched his forehead with mine, and even though I swore I was going to step back, I couldn't refrain from leaning against his more than I was already doing.

"Don't you dare leave me..." I swallowed hard, pushing him away only enough to look at his dull eyes "I don't want to regret us, Chin Mae.” 

“But w-why?” I asked, startled, leaning with my back on the door that closed behind me. How could he not understand when he was getting himself into it? I was trouble, and everybody was aware of that and left me. I left them and abandoned the idea I could be happy around people, and then... Cheng burst into my life, turning it upside down. I didn't want to ruin him as well with all my drama. 

“I will be your friend if you allow me to; I will just make sure you will stay. I will give you everything-”

"Cheng..." I mumbled, hurting; my chest was contracting painfully at the idea of remaining in his life and tell him everything I've been through, "I'm not sure I can do it." I admitted honestly; I didn't know. Every day, every minute and seconds I spent with him was hard. I had to be aware of what I said and do, always looking at my back and ensuring that no one recognised me-

“But if you were planning to pray for having your job back and being fucked after it, go on. I will wait here, watching you crawling on your knees back to me, begging for help. I can’t wait to watch you crumble down in pieces, and after that, it will be me who will destroy you for good.” He smiled teasingly, caressing my tense jaw. Cheng expressionless face looked into my watery eyes, and somehow, I didn't know what to do. I was itching to get him closer, but I knew it was wrong, and I was scared to admit how much I wanted him. I wanted him in my life but-

Cheng suddenly turned and walked away as nothing happened, and panic started to run through my body. 

I was losing him.

I was really and finally losing him... Just like I wanted. No explanation needed; he just left. He was making me decide finally, but...

Why did my heart felt like it was about to explode?

Damn, I couldn't -

“Cheng!” I shouted in trepidation, bursting into a pained cry, sobbing and kneeling to the floor. I couldn't damn it; I couldn't. 

I watched Cheng getting closer to me again, only to hug me tightly against him. He removed some hair off my face and placed them behind the ears, smiling gently. 

"I don't want to leave you, i-it's just that-" I painfully sobbed; air couldn't get in my lungs. What was I doing? I was such a mess-

"Hey, it's okay. I bet you have your reasons." Cheng reassured me once again, sliding a finger on the edge of my warm ear, "But I think I deserve to have an ending to all this. I gained your trust with time and sweat; you can't push me away after what we had." he chuckled, watching me sniffing and crying my eyes out. His hand slowly lowered on my shoulder, then reached my shaken chest that kept trying to seize some air in.

"You may think that you will do me good by walking away, but you're not. So stop, okay? Stop running away from me; stop any bad thoughts that will come to your mind when it comes to me. I want to be with you; you don't get to decide what's good or bad for me. So if I want to stay next to you, I will stay." Cheng looked at me right into my eyes, trying to understand if I got what he was saying. 

I nodded slowly, realising how my body was tense only when he decides to embrace me in his arms, allowing me to bury my face on his warm chest.

“Go and get your stuff from the hostel; I will make sure to get your money from the pub for you." my friend slowly released the embrace that I secretly wanted to last forever, taking out two hundred pounds from his wallet and sliding them into the back pocket of my jeans. 

"Are the money enough?" he asked while helping me to stand up but keeping our bodies on each other.

I nodded quickly “Good... then before you get back, get me some breakfast. I am starving.” Cheng chuckled again at my serious and upset expression, brushing my wet cheeks with his thumbs while seeing him fighting internally as he tried to get closer to my face. 

We both held our breaths. Cheng's eyelashes seemed way too close, but instead of doing what I thought he wanted to do, he opened the door for me and pushed me out, smiling as he always did. 

Wait, was I just waiting for him to kiss me?

I sighed heavily, removing some other tears that slid on my face "See you soon, Cheng." I said, relieved. 

I didn’t lose him. 

Why did he make me feel like that every single time? 

Why did I want to run away from him but as soon as I was about to, I felt like being shattered into a thousand pieces? 

I knew that he would make me go crazy... but it was so addicting.