Ray didn’t want to be seen by his father quite yet, so he quickly made his way to the only room that was not helpful during party planning. The library. Ray took his time looking through the shelves before picking a book on agricultural economics and settled into the comfiest couch that he had placed in front of a large bay window; his favorite spot. Before long, Ray was lost in his book and took no more notice of the time.
The sun was high in the sky when he heard a small “ahem” that brought him out of his deep focus. Looking up, Ray saw his mother smiling down at him.
“I sure am glad those topics don’t bore you,” the queen said as she sat in the plush crimson armchair next to the couch.
Ray looked over his book at his mother. “Well, I do have to know this stuff,” he said curtly before hiding behind his book again.
Sara sighed. Sitting on the edge of her chair, she reached over and gently pushed the book down so she could see into her son’s eyes.
“I know you’re not happy with me,” she softly said. “I just want to talk.”
“I don’t see what good that will do,” Ray said as he placed his book on his lap and folded his arms across his broad chest.
“You always have had my stubborn nature,” Sara chuckled. “You know I only have your best interests at heart.”
“My best interests are to marry someone who I think will make a good queen. Not someone with good connections.”
“I thought your father explained to you why we have to push this.” Sara rubbed her temples with her thumb and middle finger of one hand.
“He did, but if you hadn’t suggested an arranged marriage he would have thought of something else.”
“That’s not true and you know it. The council has been pushing us to arrange a marriage for you for years.”
“And Dad has always stood his ground!” Ray was thankful this was their library and there wasn’t a librarian there to shush him.
“Ray,” Sara said in a calming voice. “We want you to find a wife yourself, but if it comes down to it, we would do our best to find someone who we think will make you happy.”
“How can you possibly be happy marrying someone you hardly know?” Ray moved so he was sitting straight up. “How can you be happy unless you’re in love?”
“Do your father and I seem happy to you?”
Ray gave his mother a quizzical look. “Of course. No one could ever doubt you two are in love.”
“That’s true now, but it hasn’t always been that way.”
Ray tilted his head forward and looked up at his mother with a disbelieving glance.
“It’s true,” she said.
“Dad tells us how quickly you fell in love every chance he gets,” Ray retorted.
“Yes, but have I ever said that?”
Ray sat up straight and stared at his mother. He had to think hard about it, but he soon realized it was true. His mother had never talked about falling in love with his father.
“Anthony told you the circumstances that lead to him becoming king, correct?”
Ray nodded.
“We had only gone on a handful of dates when your uncle died.” Sara settled back into her chair as her face became soft and reflective. “Your father was fun and exciting. And I definitely enjoyed spending time with him, but I would hardly say I was in love with him.
“A few days after the crown prince died, my parents sat me down for a chat. They believed that your father was going to become the next crown prince. They could also tell how smitten he was with me. They told me that they believed he would propose soon. We had barely started to get to know each other, so I didn’t believe them at first, but I soon realized that such an emotional and romantic man would not care how long we had known each other if he was in love.
“I was terrified. I was raised to be the wife of a duke. I had always thought my status in life would stay the same, since the only way to go up when you’re the daughter of a duke is to marry a prince. While other girls of my standing may have dreamed of that, I have always been a very realistic person. If you don’t get your hopes up, you can never be let down.”
Sara gave Ray a look as if to tell him that his hopes were up too high. Ray just rolled his eyes back at his mother.
“Anyway, my parents told me, should Anthony propose, I was to say yes. I had no choice in the matter. Only about a week later, your father showed up unexpectedly at our home. He proposed. I said yes. I was scared that I would never grow to love him, but I said yes. It was what my family needed of me and it was what this kingdom needed for him. I won’t lie and tell you that it was easy, because it wasn’t. We are very different people.”
Ray interrupted his mother with a rather obnoxious scoff. Sara gave him a stern look before she continued, but didn’t say anything about his rudeness. She and Ray were too similar in all the worst traits to be able to be even half as close as Ray was to his father. She had accepted that long ago.
“I was scared throughout our entire engagement. Perhaps I would have fallen in love with Anthony sooner had we not had these sudden pressures on us, but we’ll never know. Even into the first year of our marriage, I was still struggling to feel more for your father than a friendly fondness. It wasn’t until after you were born that I fully fell for him.”
Sara smiled as she looked into the green eyes that her son shared with her. “Your father was so excited to have a child. He would have taken you with him everywhere, had I let him. Seeing him doting on you, and the looks that he would give me-”
“Mom! I don’t need to hear about that part!”
“Oh shush. I meant looks of admiration, thankfulness, and awe. Get your head straight.”
Ray rolled his eyes but sat back to let his mother continue.
“Anyway, as I was saying, it was the way he looked at me after I became a mother that made me really know that I was in love with him. That I had been all along. I was just too stressed or scared or something to realize what my feelings really were.”
“Okay, fine. You didn’t love Dad until after you got married, but at least you knew him first!”
“Well, who’s fault is it that you don’t know many of the eligible women in this kingdom very well?”
“Theirs.” Ray nodded his head. He was confident in his assessment.
“Care to explain, Raylan?”
Ray knew he had to tread lightly if his mom was using his given name.
“All they care about is becoming queen! Why should I continue a relationship with someone who all but admits they’re only talking to me because of my title?”
“Maybe if you would be a little easier to talk to…”
“Mom, not this again. I hate small talk. I don’t want to talk about the weather or the latest gossip. I want my queen to be able to hold a conversation about literature and art. I want her to be interested in the running of our kingdom. I don’t want to rule alone!”
“Are you saying I am not a good queen?”
“Of course not, Mom. You are loved by the people and you have been a far more involved mother than most other royalty. I will always be thankful that you never left us to nannies.”
“Then why do you think it’s so bad to have a wife that stays out of the details of politics?”
“Because I’m not Dad!” Ray suddenly stood up. His book fell to the floor, losing his place, but he didn’t notice. They had had this conversation so many times and he was so tired of it. “I can’t run a country by myself! I don’t want to run a country by myself! Dad is confident and smart and strategic, but I’m not! I need a wife who can support me in my decisions and correct me if I’m wrong. I need someone who can be my confidant. I need someone who can rule beside me. Who can rule equally with me. How are you and Dad going to know that your pick can do that? Are you even going to talk to her? Is she going to have a say? You even just admitted that you didn’t get a say and your marriage wasn’t even arranged!”
Ray threw up his arms as he yelled those last words. He knew he had hurt his mother when he saw the tears start to well up in the corners of her eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to worry about that right now. He could feel his world crumbling around him and he just needed to get out of there. He felt as though the walls of the palace were trying to suffocate him.
Ray promised himself he would apologize later as he spun on his heels and stormed out of the library. He needed to get out of the palace before the suffocating feeling completely took over. He didn’t just need to get out of the palace. He had to get away from the palace. Calm started to return to him as he sprinted to the stables and began to saddle up his horse.
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