We waited well into the night and did not receive a visit from Admiral Son's servant. I never felt more relieved. Mother kept her distance from me the next morning, going off to the market alone. When she left, I dove into the forest behind my home. The smell of greenery filled my lungs and branches broke under my feet. I made sure to lift my hanbok, so it wouldn't get torn or stained. One time I almost got caught when I came home with a rip. Luckily, Mother bought the story that it got caught on something when I was collecting the clothes from outside.
There was a time when I was terrified of the forest. Father told me there were wolves looking to eat me. I've learned since then that it is not a place to fear, but one to seek. Here one could find true solace - to be themselves without any judging eyes. I took a handful of blue ribbons with me to mark my trail. My comfort with the forest allowed me to travel deeper. I eventually found a little patch where only grass grew that served as a nice place to relax.
I laid on my back and stared up into the light blue sky. The sun shined from behind the wispy clouds. Other than the occasional chirps and soft rustle of leaves, the forest was quiet. It was so peaceful my eyelids began to close. Before I could get any rest, I sensed something near me. Then, there was the faint noise of something being fiddled with next to me. When I opened my eyes, I found a little boy searching through my basket of ribbons. We locked eyes for a moment. His were a deep green that in the light sparkled with gold. Something about his eyes felt familiar. For a second his eyes flashed a bright emerald green before fading back to its original color. It was him, the one in the forest two nights before.
"W-who are you?" I asked.
He looked to be no older than twelve. His dark hair was wild, and he wore a green tunic with matching short trousers. A gold sash tied around his waist hung behind him like a tail. He also had gold bangles around his wrists and ankles. He was barefoot, the soles of his feet black like coal.
"Are you lost?" I reached my hand out to him.
He did not reply and ran deeper into the forest with a ribbon in hand.
"Wait," I called out. It was time for me to run. I hiked up my hanbok and chased after him, passing by the numerous trees and shrubs. The thick grass brushed against my legs and pollen tickled my nose. A pair of swallowtail butterflies joined the pursuit, their yellow and black wings flapping beside me. I sped past them and called out to the boy. “I just want to talk!”
The boy did not let up and before I knew it, I was at the bottom of a rock cliff. Looking up I could see large jagged rocks stacked on top of each other. He took hold of the vines that hung down it and climbed. When he got to the top, he looked back at me for a second and disappeared to the other side.
His look challenged me. It was as if he said, "You don't have the guts to go where I'm going."
Such challenge would be exciting, but foolish. There was no telling what awaited me up there and Mother was sure to be back soon. The once blue sky was painted orange and the dark clouds rolled by. I took one last look at the cliff and ran home.
I tidied myself and made sure no traces of the forest were left behind. Thunder roared among the cloudy sky. Droplets of water fell on my head as I rushed to gather the clothes that were out to dry.
"Hae Ri!" Mother called.
I braced for the scolding she was about to give me, but to my surprise she was smiling. It was the first time in a long time that I saw her genuinely happy. Something about this scared me.
"You won't believe who I ran into."
My heart skipped a beat.
No, it couldn't be. Please don't let it be. I thought.
A man in deep red robes with a graying topknot stepped out from behind her. It was Admiral Son.
I immediately bowed before him and tried to conceal my shock. None of my suitors had ever returned before. This was great news, but I could not help but feel terrified. As they passed, I caught a whiff of ale.
"Right this way my lord. Watch your step." She guided him inside and had him sit by the common area. Any items around the house that were out of place were quickly swept away by Mother.
I quickly brewed a pot of tea. Mother entered the kitchen and kissed my forehead. Her sudden affection made me back away a little.
"Okay dear, this is what we've been waiting for." She straightened my hanbok and tuck my bangs behind my ears as if I were getting ready to do a performance. Once I was deemed presentable, we met Admiral Son by the table.
"My daughter and I are pleased to be in your presence today my lord," she began. "We are sorry that you had to come all this way."
He shook his head. "I wanted to. You see, your daughter was all I could think about since our meeting." He grinned at me.
Like an ice block I sat there, frozen at his words. I wanted to scream out, but it was like my voice was under lock and key.
"I would like to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage," he said.
If I opened my mouth any wider it would have dropped to the floor.
"Yes!" Mother blurted out. "I-I mean, she would gladly accept."
"Then it is settled. We are to be wed in the next three days."
Everything about this was not making any sense. I was sure I had scared him off with my fumbles during our meeting, yet here he was agreeing to marry me. So many thoughts of my future popped in my head. I saw the wedding ceremony play - the slow walk to him with judging stares from his family, vows sealed at kunbere, children predictions made at p’ye baek and the dreadful kiss.
"Oh, my lord you do not know how much we appreciate this." Mother saw me in a daze and shot me another one of her deadly looks.
I bowed my head and spoke, "It would be a great honor," my voice trembled.
Mother and Admiral Son then began to discuss something over tea. Their words were muted. All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing and the pitter patter of rain on the roof. There was one part of the conversation that I did hear.
"My lord, it is far too wet out there. You can spend the night here," Mother said.
"Where would he sleep?" I asked appalled at her offer.
"Here," she said gesturing to the common area. "It is not what you're used to I'm sure. We will do our best to make sure you are comfortable."
"I wouldn't want to be a bother."
"Not at all," she assured him. "Hae Ri, get the bath ready."
I filled the tub and added some peach blossom water Mother had saved for times like these. Being the clumsy person that I am, I accidentally dropped the pitcher into the tub. I bent over and tried to reach for it when I heard a voice from behind me.
"Would you like some help?" Admiral Son asked.
This caused my arm to dip into the tub. "My lord, no its alright. The bath is ready," I said dismissively.
He reached over me and retrieved the pitcher from the tub. His face came dangerously close to mine. So close, that I could smell his sweat. He stayed there for a moment and stared me down. I immediately slid away from him.
"I am sorry that I scared you. Allow me to dry it for you," he said and offered me a towel.
"N-no! That's alright. Please enjoy," I said and took the pitcher. The door now Hae Ri.
"Miss Han."
"Yes, my lord?"
"Don't you remember what I told you the other day?"
I couldn't remember my name at that point. My mind was solely focused on leaving the room.
"It never hurts to smile dear. I'd love to see it," he smiled at me showing his greying teeth.
That sent a nasty chill up my spine. I gave him a weak smile and bowed before exiting.
Back in my room, I changed into my night clothes and sat in front of the mirror. I brushed my hair furiously.
The nerve of him. Getting all close to me like that. I refuse to marry that creep.
My rage soon turned into tears. I desperately wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be alright. The truth was it could never be alright. Not as long as I was in this body. I laid on the floor and watched the candlelight flicker. The rain became white noise, lulling me to sleep.
Deep into the night I heard a stir. Someone was moving through the house. I figured it was Mother because she has been restless these past few years, but something about the way they were moving felt different. These steps were firm and heavy, and they weren't coming from Mother's room.
I sat up and watched my screen door. There was a faint candlelight that grew with every step the person took. My heart pounded in my ears. Before I could see their shadow against my screen, they blew out the candle. Every one of my muscles tensed in the darkness. The screen was opened, and a flash of lightning allowed me to see the intruder, Admiral Son.
He stepped in and closed the screen behind him. Frozen in terror, I watched him. He put a finger to his lips and walked towards me. I slid to the back of the room and shielded myself with my covers. He ripped my blanket away and undid the sash of my nightgown. I screamed, but it was muffled by his hand.
"Shh, little one. You mustn't scream. Unless you want the wedding called off," he said. With a calloused hand he held my hands above my head. His weight was fully on me and he leaned in close. Sweat dripped down his wrinkled forehead and the stench of alcohol exuded from his body. “It’ll be over before you know it.”
I kicked and struggled no matter how much it hurt. There was no way I'd let him have his way with me. In the process of my struggling he accidentally knocked into the table beside us, breaking one of my vases. I managed to trap his hand between my teeth. I bit down hard, the salty, irony taste filling my mouth. He screamed and loosened his grip on me, giving me time to attack again. I grabbed one of the broken vase pieces and slashed his face with it. When I got free, I ran like crazy out the room.
"Mother! Mother!" I called out, retreating to the common area.
"Hae Ri?" Mother answered with a groggy voice. She rushed to me with a lantern in hand.
I hid behind her. "Mother, Admiral Son. He he..." I couldn't get the words out.
"What's wrong? Hae Ri calm down and tell me." She took me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her.
Through several hiccups I managed to say, "He held me down. And tried to-"
"What? I-I don't understand," she looked at Admiral Son in confusion.
He stood straight and regained his composure. It was then that I was able to see the damage I had done. I had given him a long gash down the side of his left cheek.
"I don't know what she's talking about. She was the one that called me to her quarters. I told her it was inappropriate to do such things, but she insisted," he lied. "When I refused, she attacked me."
Mother looked at me in fear.
"No that isn't true! He came into my room when I was s-sleeping and t-tried to touch…" I twisted my nightgown in my hands.
Mother held me in her arms and took a deep breath. “My lord, she is your betrothed, but you cannot do as you please.”
He wiped the blood off his face with his sleeve. “Mi Young, you and I both know a lot is riding on this marriage. With your husband gone, it has been awful right?”
She clenched her jaw. “Do not speak of him.”
“I would hate to tell everyone how the wonderful Han Sang Chul married a woman who taught their daughter to throw herself at men. The Han name would be tarnished, and it would be all your fault.” He pulled my mother by her wrist away from me. “Choose wisely,” he said turning her to me.
The room fell silent. Mother’s feet dragged as she slowly walked towards me. She stood there as if she were a ghost, with her hair casting a shadow over her eyes. Her fists were clenched at her side. Then she finally spoke. “Kneel Hae Ri.”
“What?” I said in disbelief. “I can’t-”
"Not another word. Kneel before him and beg for forgiveness," she ordered.
Her words were like a knife, piercing my very heart. Surely this was not my mother. This could not have been the same person who held me when I cried, made me food, and taught me. I did not know who this woman was.
Admiral Son shifted and looked down at me with spiteful eyes. It was like he knew how this was going to end. They waited for me to get down on my knees, but I didn't. I realized I could not go on. I could not pretend this was the way things had to be. I bolted out the house. The wind was fierce. Pieces of sticks and leaves flew into me.
My tears burned the fine scratches on my face. I ignored Mother's calls and pushed through the forest. The mud sloshed under my bare feet and fallen branches cut my ankles. The rain pelted me and made it hard to see. Deeper and deeper into the forest I ran. My home was nowhere in sight, but I kept running. With no ribbons to mark the path, I would never find my way back, and that was alright with me.
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