We parked at the end of the driveway that goes along the left of my apartment, and headed up onto the worn deck. It was easier to enter from the back of the house, so that entrance had become my front door. I had my keys halfway to the lock when Hex spoke.

"Cosmo, come here and sit with me for a second."

I turned, he was sitting on a deck chair, long legs crossed at the knee. The only light was from the bare bulb above my door. Shit. He wants to talk about that night.

I couldn't hope to avoid it forever, so I sat in the other chair next to his with a sigh. Hex just watched the little moths dart around the porch light, silent. The anticipation was making me ill.

"You know I love you, right?" He said, his tattooed fingers interlaced on his lap. His voice was quiet and neutral.

"Yeah. I love you too." It had taken years for Hex and Anderly to break me down enough to say it back. To teach me there wasn't anything shameful about it. My brain was firing like lightning trying to plan for all the possible ways the looming conversation was going to go.

"Is it okay if I tell you how I felt that night? How I feel now?" He had opened his hands and was staring at his palms like he was trying to read his own fortune. Had I been so self-absorbed that I never thought about how he felt? Had he ever opened up to me like this in the five years we'd known each other? Why are you so selfish?

"You deserve to be open with me about your feelings."

I wanted him to talk about his pain, because I knew it would hurt me too, and I wanted to hurt, I deserved to be punished.

"I've never been so scared in my entire life." He said. I didn't respond, I let him continue. "When I heard Anderly scream for me...it was like a physical jolt. An arrow right through me. I knew something was horribly wrong. Seeing you-" His voice broke, just a little. "Just, lying there, turning blue, I kind of went into autopilot. My mind was racing, I couldn't understand why-" He paused, gathering his thoughts.

My face felt wet, I had been holding my breath. I let it out. He looked at me, really looked, like he was trying to see through my eyes, into my brain. His face looked like he would never have any idea what was going on in there.

"I didn't want you to die. I wanted you to stay here with me, I wanted to hear your voice again." Hex was crying too. I had never seen him cry before. Something about seeing it, hearing it, from this man who had never been anything but composed was disturbing in a way that shook me down to my fucking soul. A sob escaped me, I covered my mouth with my hand.

"I couldn't make you wake up. You died. Right there in front of me, and I couldn't save you." Hex was sobbing, his voice quivering. He closed his eyes and put his fingers on his temples, and took several deep breaths to compose himself. I got up, even though my legs were shaking. I knelt in front of him and grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands away from his face. I made him look at me.

"You did."

He shuddered. "What?"

"You did fucking save me." My tears were flowing like an open tap I couldn't shut off. They fell freely onto the deck and absorbed into the wood. "The doctors told me I wouldn't have made it at all if you hadn't kept up the rescue breathing and CPR as long as you did. That, or I would be brain-dead, which is even worse."

He stared at me, his makeup a smeared mess. I stood and pulled his wrists around my waist and threw my hands around his neck in one motion. His hands gripped the back of my hoodie like he was scared I would float away. We slid down onto the deck, holding each other.

"God damn it." I cursed. I hated myself so much in that moment, more than I ever have. Why am I such a monster? How can I hurt the only people that love me? I thought in that moment, with Hex shaking in my arms, that I would carry that hatred with me for the rest of my life. A lesson, a promise, a permanent black stain on my heart.

It was his turn to be weak now, and mine to hold him together. I'd never hurt my best friends like this again.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I had enough regret in me to repeat it forever.

"Why? Why, Cosmo?" He trembled. I knew what he was asking. Why did you take all those pills?

"Because I'm fucking weak. Because I'm fucked in the head. I'm so sorry." I tried to calm my breathing. "I couldn't think. I didn't even know what I was doing, the pain was-" There was never going to be a way to describe my physical pain in a way that could make others really understand. That was something I could never share with anyone. I just squeezed him tighter, instead.

After that we sat there in silence for a long time, just trying to understand each other through direct contact. I wanted to absorb all his hurt, I wanted to hurt more so he didn't have to. I was empty inside, I had room. I'd take it all and hold it forever, just so I never had to see him break again.

I finally let out the words that I'd kept from them, that I'd been holding inside for almost a month.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself. I don't want to die."

He pulled back and looked at me, our faces were both a fucking mess. He didn't speak.

"You saved my life... So I want to try. To be better, to do something good with it." I meant it, even if I didn't really believe it could ever happen.

"I really want to punch you right in the face." Said Hex, his eyes puffy, mascara streaks down his face. He smiled a tiny bit.

I had to laugh. "You can if you want to."

He stood and hauled me to my feet by my good arm.

"No, no. I think I'll forgive you instead."

"You don't have to. You can hate me forever."

He raised his fist, and I flinched- but he held it still against my cheek. "That's impossible, dumb ass."

"You're a really good person, Hex. Probably too good."

He dropped his fist and straightened his jacket. He had false eyelashes stuck to his cheek. He peeled them off and flicked them off the side of the deck.

"Yeah, I know." He sighed. "But if I don't forgive you, I'll just cry all the time, and I fucking hate crying."

He jerked his thumb at the still-locked door. "Let me in so I can wash my face. I can't go home looking like this, I'll get arrested."

"The shop is closed tomorrow, do you want to watch Netflix and eat a shit ton of ice cream all night?" I said, letting us into my apartment. I had way more ice cream in my freezer than one person needed, since I'm professionally depressed and have unhealthy coping mechanisms.

"Yeah, okay." Hex sighed. "I have a feeling the emotional hangover from all this crying is going to be really shitty tomorrow morning."

"Definitely." I closed the door behind us.

~