The morning came too fast for his liking. Dashiell wasn’t ready to wake up just yet. Waking up meant getting back to work, and he was not a fan of that. He closed his eyes and curled up closer to Averet. The calm beat of his heart and the heat from his skin made Dashiell wish that he could stay in this bed forever. Averet was still asleep and Dashiell felt the slow rise and fall of his chest. It was all so calming. So secure. He took Averet’s hand and entwined their fingers. A small part of Dashiell wanted to lean up and press their lips together, though he knew he shouldn’t do it. Averet was not interested in him, and he never would be. But Dashiell had never been loved and he wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss someone he cared about. Dashiell wasn’t in love with him, but he liked him a lot and he knew that Averet would take care of him. He would help him to heal. To be whole again.
But Averet would make him whole again. Maybe not as his lover, but at his friend.
“Good morning,” Averet whispered and Dashiell wished he would just fall back asleep again! If he was awake it meant that the day was about to begin and there was no escaping it.
“Good morning.” He yawned and began pulling away from Averet, but he stopped him.
“Stay for a while.” He said and pulled Dashiell even closer.
“Well… are you sure that you aren’t flirting with me, captain?” Dashiell said as he winked to him.
“Shut up!” Averet said, cheeks turning red again. “It just feels nice!”
“True!” Dashiell agreed. “But you realize that we don’t have to fuck for you to be flirting with me?”
“I know that!” he said a little shyly. “But I’m not flirting with you! I don’t do relationships!”
“Have you ever been with someone, who didn’t hurt you?” Dashiell asked quietly.
“No.” Averet sighed. “Have you?”
“No. But I want to!” And he did. Dashiell wanted it more than anything. He wanted to know what it felt like to have a normal life.
“You will find one someday!” Averet said. “You deserve it!”
“So, do you!” Because you deserve someone to hold you, even if that’s all you want to do! He thought.
“I’m fine with what I’ve got!” he smiled.
Dashiell wanted to stop time just for a little while. He wanted to stay in this moment, but they had to get up and he had to go back to the brothel.
He took a long warm bath and allowed all his dark thought to get flushed down the drain. If he had to get fucked, he would have to be clean. He knew he should prepare himself, so he was ready for it, but he didn’t want to do it. He honestly didn’t want to feel anything inside of him at the moment. The thought of having someone shoving their cock in him, made him feel nauseous. He took a few deep breaths and tried to collect his thoughts. It will be fine! just breathe, your idiot, breath, and relax.
He’s back was still really sore and it ached every time he moved around, but he could ignore it. The trip would be hard, but he was strong enough to handle it. He was strong enough to handle anything, or at least that’s what he told himself.
Averet had told him that a carriage would take him back to the brothel. Dashiell begged him to stay with him, but he knew he couldn’t “I’ll be nearby, okay? Nothing will happen to you!” he'd promised. “You’re not alone, Dashiell!”
He took his time with the bath since he wanted to draw out time as much as possible.
Clothes had been laid out for him. It was expensive and Dashiell liked it. The black pants were really tight, just as he preferred it, and the white tunic clung to his body perfectly. The black polished boots reached up to the middle of his lower leg and fit his calf beautifully.
He starred at his own reflection longer than he normally would. He saw what other people saw. A young and extremely attractive man. But they couldn’t see what was underneath the thin layer of clothing. The ruined skin and the semi-dead soul inside of him were only for him to see.
“Are you ready?” Averet asked through the door. Dashiell took a deep breath and nodded, even though he knew Averet couldn’t see him. Why are you nodding, idiot! You’re not ready, and you never will me!
He opened the door and walked out.
Averet’s gaze scanned him as he stood before him. “You look beautiful, Dashiell!”
“Thank you.” He whispered, he just hoped Barret would think the same, at least until he was forced to take of his shirt. No one would be able to call him beautiful when they saw his raw and ruined skin.
They walked together, side by side, to the courtyard where his carriage was waiting for him. “I’ll be right there if you need me!” Averet assured him.
They looked at each other for a moment before they got disturbed.
“I see you’re finally ready to get back to work!” Isandros said.
“Your highness.” Averet sneered and refused to kneel once again. They stared at each other for a long time. Isandros wasn’t happy with the lack of respect his guard showed him. The whole thing was making Dashiell really uncomfortable. Don’t do that your idiot! He was terrified that the prince would end up punishing Averet if he kept doing that and he had to fight himself to stop him from actually punching Averet for being so reckless. His gaze turned to Dashiell, and the darkness in his eyes scared him.
“Barret has been informed of your return! I expect he’ll be visiting you today, so you better make it good for him! For your own sake-” he said and looked back to Averet “-and the people you care about.”
Isandros turned around and left them. Dashiell took several deep breathes to stop himself from running after him to strangle him.
“You really need to stop doing that!” Dashiell said, crossing his arms over his chest “He will make your life a living hell!”
“What?” Averet said with a shrug “I don’t recall me doing anything wrong!”
“Averet, I’m serious! Don’t get hurt because of me! Just pretend that everything is back to normal, okay?”
“I can’t!” he said firmly “Not after what he made me do to you!”
Dashiell sighed. He didn’t know what else to do. Averet was going to get into a lot of trouble and it was all his fault. Erat too. They both needed to pretend that the whipping hadn’t happened, and just move on.
Dashiell was about to step into the carriage when Averet stopped him. “Wait!” He said, and Dashiell turned around to look at him. “Just… just be careful, okay?” He was looking more concerned than ever.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Dashiell answered and tried to smile, but both he and Averet knew it was fake.
He got in and closed the door. The curtains were pulled down, so no one could look in and he couldn’t look out.
He wasn’t allowed to open them because he couldn’t be seen, which was understandable since it would bring the so-called mission in danger. Not that Dashiell really cared much about that anyway, but he had to follow the rules to keep those he cared about safe.
He sighed as he sat there alone staring at the closed curtains. It was the first time in weeks, that he’d been completely alone, with no one to turn to and no one to share his thoughts with. There was always someone with him. But not today. He was alone.
He saw a little wooden box on the bench opposite him and he hesitated before opening it. Inside was a note, and when I removed that and it reviled what was inside it, he felt sick to his stomach.
''Make sure you are prepared! It’ll make it less painful
I do take care of the people who work for me!
- I''
The tears were running down his cheeks, and he wanted nothing more than to throw the box away.
Inside was a butt plug. Dashiell knew that the prince didn’t do it out of the kindness of his heart. He did it to taunt him and to humiliate him. He was making sure that Dashiell’s day would be as horrible as possible.
He hoped that Barret wouldn’t visit him. That he didn’t know he was coming back already. He hoped that it would take a couple of days for the news to reach him. But the prince would make sure that Dashiell wouldn’t get it easy, so he would be coming for him.
He just looked at the content of the box and dried his tearstained cheeks with his sleeve. He knew he had to do it. He always had to do it if he didn’t want it to hurt. The clients didn’t have time to prepare him before fucking him and they didn’t care if he was ready for it. They just wanted to shove their cocks in him, fuck him quickly, and then just leave him to collect himself afterward.
He began undoing his pants really slowly, feeling slightly grateful for the closed curtains in the carriage. There was no oil to make the process easier, so Dashiell spat into his hand to cover it in it. He always hated this process, because it made him feel even dirtier than when he was letting strangers fuck him.
It wasn’t particularity small, and the spit was definitely not enough to make it slide in easy. It was burning and he began feeling sick to his stomach. The feeling reminded him too much of the night in the cell when Eudon had raped him. The pain was almost the same and he wanted nothing more than to pull it out and throw it away, before jumping out of the carriage to escape. to disappear for good. But he couldn’t do it. He knew the prince would punish Averet and Erat. Isandros would blame them for his escape, and he couldn’t risk that. He cared too much about them.
He was pressing it as slowly into himself as possible. The act of doing it wasn’t the worst, but he had to let it stay inside him for a while to make sure he would get too tight again, before having to do the job. He didn’t know if Barret would be there when he arrived, or if he would have to sit around for hours and wait. He needed it to stay in him until he was going to get fucked, because if the sex were hurting too much it would, without a doubt, pull him back into the trauma of what Eudon had done to him.
He was letting himself get used to the feeling before pulling his pants back up. He settled himself carefully on the bench and took a shaky breath when he felt it pressing deeper into him. Being on the road didn’t make the feeling any better. Everything the carriage rattled, and it felt like it was thrusting into his stomach painfully and humiliatingly.
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