I was trying to catch my breath, and Hex sat up against the back of the couch. I could see the blue glow from the TV screensaver in the sheen of sweat on his heaving chest. He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm, eyes closed, and pulled his untied robe back up over his shoulders. He was only wearing black briefs underneath that left very little to the imagination. That was way, way too close.
I was still horizontal, and my head was spinning so much I pushed my palms against my eyes to try and make it stop. I filled my lungs to capacity with clean air instead of smoke, and exhaled with a shudder.
"Ugh." I groaned, nauseous and too fucking high.
"You okay?" Asked Hex, like we didn't just make out like horny teenagers.
"I feel spinny. The couch is spinning." I sat up slowly and put my head between my knees and clutched my hands into my hair. My mouth was so dry my tongue was sticking to the back of my teeth.
He patted my back. "Sit up, you need to eat something and drink some water."
He hauled me upright and handed me a piece of cold pizza. "It was a bad idea to smoke on an empty stomach."
That wasn't the only bad idea. Or maybe it was. I couldn't compartmentalize my thoughts because my body was floating into the ceiling.
Hex shoved an open bottle of water at me. "Drink." I did. I took a bite of pizza, but it was really spicy. I coughed.
"What did you do to this pizza?" I asked, drinking more water.
"I put pepper on it. It helps bring you back down."
"Huh." I just shrugged like an idiot. I was suddenly ravenous, so I ate the whole piece even though it was kind of terrible.
A couple minutes passed by in silence, and I downed all the water. I felt way better. I attempted to-
"Yeet!"
-the empty plastic bottle halfway across the apartment and into the trash can, and missed by a mile. It bounced off the bathroom door and clattered into the fridge. Oops. I glanced over at Anderly, who was still passed the fuck out. I put my hands over my mouth and giggled to myself like a five year old.
My god, I am next-level dumb.
I literally knew I was being stupid as hell, but I couldn't help it. It was fun to not give a shit for a minute.
Hex was just sitting next to me, fingers interlocked behind his head. He was looking at me like he was just happy that I was happy.
Ah, crap. I pulled the blanket up around me, suddenly stone-cold sober.
"Hex."
"Hm?"
"Did we make out?"
He didn't hesitate to answer. "Yes."
"Like, a lot?"
"Mm-hmm." He dropped his hands onto his lap.
"Huh." I didn't know what to say.
Hex was by a huge margin the most shameless person I'd ever met. He was totally secure and open with himself; his body, his morals, and his sexuality. I could only wonder what that was like. I felt ashamed for having enjoyed myself, which I knew was really messed up, but I couldn't help it.
The magnitude of what we'd just done was towering over me. Luckily I still had a little tiny bit of boldness left so I could get my honest thoughts out.
"That was... That felt really good." I said, not happy about how true it was.
Hex sighed. He looked out at nothing and grinned, like he was replaying our antics in his head.
"Yes it did." He bit the tip of his index finger. He was even more sexy when he wasn't trying to be. Jesus take the wheel. This person was going to kill me.
Thinking about how attractive he was suddenly made me feel guilty and sick. It was getting harder to breathe.
Oh my god, what the hell even just happened? What was our relationship going to look like now? Did I fuck everything up? I'm such a freak-
"Cosmo. Are you panicking?" He was calm and serious, his default.
"Uh..." Yes. "No. No, It's just-"
"It's okay." He interrupted. "What's bothering you?"
"I'm just scared... that we went too far. That I fucked everything up, our friendship..." I wanted to cry.
He just smiled softly, never criticizing, always rational. He put his open palm on the side of my face, ran his fingers through my hair. It felt so nice it calmed me instantly. I didn't want sex to make these innocent touches mean something else.
"Honey." He soothed. "You didn't ruin anything. And I kissed you first, remember?"
"I think the kissing was simultaneous." I said.
He smiled. "It would take much more than some innocent foreplay to ruin our friendship." He dropped his hand.
Foreplay.
My eyes widened. "Oh my god."
"What?"
"Uh, just- We would have, we almost..." My mind went careening into the gutter, and my entire face and neck were burning hot. I put my cold hands on my face. "Oh my god."
"Only if you wanted to, Cosmo. I would never push you."
"I know that. It's just..." How do I even phrase this? "I- I feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong, it's all me. I just feel ashamed that I enjoyed it so much. It feels like a bad thing, even though it felt good." My voice was shaking, I knew it was stupid, and I suddenly felt like a child. "I don't even know why I feel like this."
He sighed sadly. "Oh, baby." His voice was quiet. He held my hands, rubbing his thumbs across my knuckles.
"There's nothing to be ashamed of. We're consenting adults, and we've known each other for years. Sex is a natural, basic human function. Who has the right to decide it's wrong? No one has that power but us, and you're in charge of how it makes you feel."
How was he so wise?
I still wanted to cry, but I didn't. This was an issue I knew was deeply rooted in my past.
"I'll work on it." I said.
A sly look spread across his face.
"I can help you, if you want." He soothed, his honeyed voice rolling over me. God damn. Don't do this to me.
"Uh- I... I'll think about it.. Thanks." I stammered.
He laughed quietly, squeezing my hands. "I'll be here."
I steeled myself, but I had to be honest with him. "Hex, I don't want our friendship, or whatever you want to call what we have- I don't think I want that to change." I was looking down at his tattooed hands holding mine, his skin was barely a shade darker than mine.
He was quiet for a minute, thinking. "I don't want to lose that either. I'm not sure what you think screwing would change, though."
"Oh my fucking god, Hex. Don't say that!" I whisper-yelled at him, mortified. I pulled my hands out of his and hid my face in the back of the couch.
He chuckled. "What would you have me call it? I have a pretty extensive vocabulary. Boning? Fucking? Inter-"
"Stop!" I covered his mouth with my hands, and I could feel him grinning underneath them like a psycho.
"Just stop talking like that, Christ. I'm gonna die." He grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away from his face.
"Sorry. You're really fun to tease."
"You're just evil."
"Listen, Cosmo." He was more serious.
"W-what?"
"I love what we've built up together, and I love you. Anderly too. Not in a romantic way, but more than what society says friendships are supposed to be."
"Yeah, I feel that way about you guys too." It's like the only thing in my life that I'm not ashamed of.
"What I'm getting at, is that if you really feel that fooling around or having sex with me is going to compromise what we have, then I'll never touch you like that again. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, but... You don't think it would? Compromise our relationship?"
He didn't even pause. "No. But I don't think I feel the same way about sex that you do, and I want to respect that."
"H-how do you feel about it?" My curiosity was outweighing my horror for the moment. Did he mean how he's sexually empowered and I'm a pent-up crybaby?
He looked thoughtful as he explained. "I feel like, as long as the people involved are all consenting adults and are being safe, I just think it's a lot of fun, and it can alleviate stress. I think it feels amazing, and it doesn't have to mean anything more than that if I don't want it to. And I don't really do romantic relationships, at least not in the traditional sense. I don't want to be confined to that "role"." He casually finger-quoted around the last word.
"Damn." I said. "I wish I had an ounce of your self-awareness, Hex. You make me feel like a child."
He smiled, staring out into the dark room. "Well, I've had a lot longer to figure myself out than you have. Also-" He paused, glancing at me. "I get the feeling that you're still kind of scared of your own sexual nature. It's like you're out of the closet, but you still want to hide back in there because you're ashamed."
"Shit." I said, frowning. He was breaking me down again, and I didn't know if I liked it. He turned his head and looked at me directly.
"I know that me telling you all this isn't going to suddenly change how you feel about it. That would take more help than I think you'd be comfortable with me giving... Sexual shame is a real thing, something that's ingrained in your head by your upbringing or past, or caused by trauma." I winced.
"I'm sorry I came on to you like that, I didn't want to hurt you or scare you." He said, speaking quietly.
"It's okay. It's not like I wasn't going along for the ride." Was all I said. My head was too mixed up to think about all this too much.
"You were listening to your body instead of your fear, and that's nothing to be ashamed of, either."
I couldn't speak. He was always dropping these truth bombs on me, always analyzing me. I wasn't even sure how it made me feel anymore.
Hex smiled, but his eyes looked a little sad. "I hope you find someone who can help you heal, Cosmo."
I didn't say anything, I just looked at him, confused. I didn't think he meant a therapist.
As if right on fucking cue, Anderly snorted loudly and rolled over, still asleep, her hand flopping off the couch and brushing the floor. I jumped, it was so sudden.
It broke the somber mood instantly and Hex and I had to stifle our laughter. He stood up, cracking his back like he often did, and went over to the TV stand, turning it off and picking up his phone. He turned on the screen and winced at the sudden brightness.
"On that note," He squinted and checked the time. "It's three in the morning, and I'm exhausted." He came back over and stretched his willowy body out on the couch, his bare feet touching my thigh.
"Me too." I yawned."Crap, let me take my meds really quick, I almost forgot about them."
He just nodded sleepily and pulled the fuzzy blanket over himself, closing his eyes. I dug through my bag and went to the kitchen to get some water. I swallowed the pills three at a time. When I was done, I walked back over to the couch. I hadn't thought about where I was going to actually sleep. Nothing about this night had gone how I thought it would.
Hex lifted the blanket, making a space next to him. "Take your pants off." He said blandly, eyes still shut.
"Uh..."
"You gonna sleep in jeans?"
"Oh, no, I guess that wouldn't be very comfortable." I swear I could hear my brain sizzling.
"Come on, lets get some sleep." He yawned. "No funny business, I promise."
"Yeah, okay." I sighed, my limbs heavy.
Fuck, I was so tired. I'd think more in the morning about what the hell our relationship even was.
Stripping down to just boxers and my t-shirt, I carefully climbed into the space next to him, my head resting on his chest and my arm over his slim waist. His left arm was wrapped around my back, and our legs were stacked together, alternating his and mine. It felt like we were two pieces of a three-piece puzzle that just fit together effortlessly.
I didn't ever want that to change. He dropped the blanket over us and stretched his free arm back to pull the lamp chain, and the room clicked into total darkness.
The steadying rise and fall of his chest and the rhythmic, slow beating of his heart was more effective than any sedative. I closed my eyes and sighed.
I heard Hex's quiet, half-asleep voice two seconds before I went under. He sighed out the words.
"...I'll be here."
~
[Good evening readers! This was another long-ass chapter, but I think it's an important one, too. Let's talk about the trio of trouble for a minute ☺️, and clear up some of the stuff that's been brought up so far!:
Hex-
Gender Identity: If asked he'll say non-binary or gender-fluid, or "Whatever I feel like. "
Pronoun/s: He/him, she/her, or they/them. Doesn't prefer one over the others, those closest to him use he/him, strangers and acquaintances usually don't ask first, and call him by whatever they see him as at that moment. Gives no fucks 💅.
Sexual Orientation/Preferences: Sexually attracted to "people with dicks". Uses the label gay because he's "got the same parts". Sexually liberated!
Romantic Orientation/Preferences: Aromantic. He doesn't feel romantic feelings towards others and doesn't want to date or be monogamous.
Anderly-
Gender Identity: (Cis) Female
Pronoun/s: She/her
Sexual Orientation/Preferences: Asexual. She doesn't feel sexual attraction towards others and doesn't want to have sex, but isn't repulsed by it. She just can't understand the desire to have sex, and doesn't care to. She still enjoys cuddling, hugging, and kissing, and can find people aesthetically attractive.
Romantic Orientation/Preferences: She hasn't really thought about it very much since she, Hex, and Cosmo are joined at the hip, but is open to a romantic relationship if the right person comes along. She doesn't prefer any particular gender.
Cosmo-
Gender Identity: (Cis) Male
Pronoun/s: He/him
Sexual Orientation/Preferences: Gay, but has shame issues and anxiety about it, and about the act of sex itself (We'll explore the reasons for this later in the story).
Romantic Orientation/Preferences: He could potentially fall in love, but feels that he's unworthy of love and is all-around unlovable. (Poor guy has pretty terrible mental health, but luckily he has Hex and Anderly to help him keep his shit together).
Notes: The three of them are in a queerplatonic relationship! They just haven't felt the need to define or label it out loud. They all call each other "friends", even though they are much closer than what most people would consider 'normal' for friends. Not quite a romantic relationship, and not a sexual one either (except for the short-lived high escapades between Hex and Cosmo, lol.)
That's all for now! Thanks for coming to my TED Talk, I'll have a new chapter up soon! :) ]
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