I slowed to a jog as I neared the intersection at South Ave. and 12th Street and turned 180 degrees as I tried to catch my breath and spot Hex at the same time. I looked across, where South became a pedestrian-only commercial street for three blocks, and the asphalt switched to dusty red bricks in a herringbone pattern. I looked both ways and crossed the street without hitting the crosswalk button.

There were less people than there would be in the spring or summer, but still enough to make me uncomfortable. It's hard to explain, but for a long time crowds of people felt like moving wax statues, like they were counterfeits; realistic imitations of living human beings, but at the same time I knew that they weren't. I knew it was all in my mind, and it wasn't like they looked fake, they just felt fake. I clamped my eyes closed, shaking my head.

Not. Real.

I had to make sure Hex was okay. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath as I stepped between the security bollards and the bodies ambling about.

I stood on my toes trying to look over the crowd, cursing my shortness. Hex liked to window-shop the little boutiques here, but I knew he wouldn't be doing that now. Maybe-

I was pretty sure I knew where he would be.

I walked quickly, focusing straight ahead and trying to pretend I was invisible so none of Them would look at me. It was really unsettling to have what felt like mannequins turn their synthetic faces to focus on me, even for a second. I shuddered. I held Hex's jacket and the paper bag to my chest and pulled my elbows in so I wouldn't touch anyone. Eventually I broke through where the street widened into a big circular clearing with a sizable concrete fountain in the center. South Ave Plaza.

The fountain was empty and dry, filled only with a few fallen leaves blown in from the decorative pear trees and shrubs that encircled the space. Between the trees were several forest-green iron benches facing the fountain, and sitting on one of those benches was Hex.

He was the only one who looked real.

I let out my held breath.

I slowed as I approached him, since the look on his face as he stared at the dead fountain made me remember the state he was in when he left Anderly's place. He looked the same, vacant, only now he actually glanced at me when I stood near the bench.

"Hey." I said, noticing how tightly Hex had his fingers interlaced in his lap; his sharp nails were stabbing into his knuckles.

"Hey."

I sat down next to him and started to reach for his hands so he wouldn't hurt them, but I stopped midway.

"Are you okay? I mean, I know you aren't but... Anderly told me. About your... PTSD. Your therapy." I spoke softly, trying to be careful not to trigger him any more than I already had.

He sighed, still gazing ahead, and his shoulders dropped an inch from their previous stiff position.

"I hate this."

His voice was so quiet it was barely more than a breath, and his words sent goosebumps down my arms.

"Hate what?" I asked gently.

"Being forced to go back there, back then, against my will."

His hands were on the verge of bleeding, so I reached over very slowly, ready to pull back if he so much as flinched. He didn't, so I took both of his hands in mine and unlocked his fingers, rubbing my thumbs over the angry indentations on his knuckles. I wanted to say I'm sorry, but I knew he was sick of hearing it. I hoped he would keep sharing his thoughts with me so I didn't have to speak.

"When I come out of it, like now... I know it's not real. I know I'm still here."

Hex is nothing if not rational, so it must be torture to have something else pulling his strings. I related to that so much it was like a physical stab. He turned his body a little more towards me, but just stared at our hands, like looking me in the eye was too painful.

He squeezed my hands as he spoke softly. "It feels like being betrayed, violated... Not being in control of my own mind is terrifying."

I winced and sucked in a tiny sharp breath, and Hex must have heard it because he finally looked at me. His expression slowly morphed from exhaustion to recognition as he looked at my pained face. His irises weren't gleaming steel today. Right now they looked more like ashes.

"That's kind of what you feel like every day, isn't it Cosmo?"

Shit.

I cleared my throat anxiously. "Y-yeah. Yeah, it is."

Don't cry. Do. not. cry.

This kind of true understanding of even a small part of the inner workings of my mind were so rare- no, I've never had anyone really get it before. A sob was fighting to escape but I held it back behind my clenched teeth and bitten lip. I knew he wouldn't like my next words, but I had to get them out. I swallowed hard and tried to breathe normally.

"It feels like... like I poisoned you with my sickness. I'm so sorry I did this to you, Hex."

He opened his mouth, probably to scold me for apologizing, but I needed him to understand something important. I held up my hand to interrupt him before he could speak.

"Don't say it. I need to tell you this." He closed his mouth, I took a breath.

"I will be sorry for hurting you two for the rest of my life. Even if you really forgive me, I'll never, ever be able to let that go... and I don't want to. This regret..."

Please. Understand this too.

I held a hand to my chest. "This regret is helping me to keep going. It's like... It's like a piece of shrapnel in my heart, and every time it hurts it's a reminder to never do anything that will hurt you like that again."

Hex's slim eyebrows pulled together, and there was a long moment where we just stared into each other's eyes. Some nearby plastic onlookers were trying to pretend they weren't gawking at us. I didn't care; Hex was with me, and his presence created a shield of reality that enveloped us both.

I shook my head, trying to focus. "I don't want to invalidate your feelings, or make this about me, okay? What do you need?"

He looked stunned, kind of like I do when he drops truth nukes on me. His expression softened and his posture relaxed. He closed his eyes and sat back against the bench.

"I think we need to start being more open with each other. Anderly too. I asked you to share your burdens with us, but I haven't been following my own advice."

He sighed heavily and opened his eyes, continuing.

"We shouldn't try to fight our demons alone when we're stronger together."

I smiled. "I think so too. At least big problems, anyway."

I fought the urge to glance at the fake people loitering around the plaza. That wasn't even a problem, it was just my normal.

He suddenly had a sly look on his face that I didn't like one bit.

Noooo no no no

"Cosmo."

I knew full well where this conversation was going.

"We should tell her, Cosmo. Or else it'll be hanging over us every time we're all together."

Damn it.

"Ugh ...Okay Fine." I groaned. "But first-"

I picked his jacket off the bench next to me and swung it around his shoulders, using the lapels as handles to pull him close in one motion. He chuckled and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"You're a smooth operator when you want to be, you know that?" He spoke low into my ear.

"Pff. I don't know about that." I pulled away. "You're the shameless flirt, here."

He stuck his arms through the sleeves of his jacket and smiled. "You seem a little different, Cosmo."

"Huh? How?" I felt just as crazy as usual.

"I'm not sure." He tilted his head slightly, thinking. "You're usually a mess after talks like this. You were more composed this time."

"Ha! Just barely. I was this close to crying." I held my thumb and index finger a centimeter apart.

"I think you're doing great."

"Come on." I shoved his shoulder playfully. "I'm hardly doing anything."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. You should call Anderly and tell her to meet us here, I think we need to have a family meeting. Also I forgot my phone, so have her bring it too, please."

I bowed my head and took out my phone. "As you wish, my Queen."

"Get on with it then, peasant." He smirked, waving me away.

We were so dumb sometimes I couldn't help but laugh.

I clapped my hands together once. "Oh! I almost forgot. Mom packed us breakfast." I handed the paper bag to him with one hand while unlocking my phone with the other. Anderly had sent me like twenty texts, each one more panicked than the last, and had called me four times. My phone had been on silent.

"Oops." I said, calling her back.

"What?" Asked Hex, one bite into a pink glazed donut with those gross rainbow sprinkles.

I gave him a thumbs up and a smile as Anderly picked up after the first ring.

~

As Hex and I ate our baked goods and waited for Anderly, I found myself happily drawn in to our usual easy banter. I felt strangely invigorated, despite the throbbing pain blooming in my ankles and knees and the dull ache in my hips. It's like every time I let even a small piece of my misery out, my soul got a little bit lighter.

~

[ Graphite here!

Poor Cosmo, thinking derealization is normal. I've suffered from it before, and it's really hard to describe how it feels to me, but I tried my best.

He's like that comic of the dog sitting in a burning room: "It's fine. This is fine." ...Like, no honey, it's really not. 🤦😭

Also I've been typing so much that I murdered my keyboard and had to get a new one... oops. 🤷😅

Thanks for sticking around! See you soon! 💕 ]