Alistair

I can't stop thinking about the tall, golden-haired boy I had spent the previous afternoon with. The way he blushed when I teased him or the way he glanced at me when he thought I wasn't looking. The way his amber eyes took in the little details made me surprised because most people would have turned their heads away in disgust.

Hatred and judging stares were all I was used to, and I learned to ignore it because the self beating was getting worse and worse. Turns out trying to stop was as hard as getting six-year-old Alis to take a bath. Which was extremely hard by the way. 

My mind flashed to the knife I had hidden in my mattress, the pain in my arms flaring. I learned to ignore the monsters that told me I was useless and the hurt that always followed me around.

I remembered the first time I had heard them: I was 6 at the time and I had climbed a rickety old bridge that I found in the forest. 

The clearing was silent, all except for the small breeze rustling the branches. Little Alistair stood proudly at the top of the rusting metal, gazing into the rushing river below. A stronger wind picked up, making him shiver. An icy cold voice, barely audible whispered "Jump". His head whipped around, large eyes widening in fear. "Who's there?" His voice was shaking beyond control. The voice chuckled, a sound that bounced off the inside of Alis's mind. "No need to be scared, little one. You're one of us now," He turned back to the water, and saw that the river had gone still. His reflection was twisted and black, teeth and claws reaching out to gripe at his shoulders and exposed legs. His face was distorted, but he could clearly see a devilish smirk on his lips. He screamed, an invisible force slamming his body forward. All he saw underneath his was mirky-black water, hands dragging him down to the depths below.

That was the time I had almost drowned.

He remembered the times when he would wake up in the forest, all alone and afraid. He had no idea how he got there. 

"You don't deserve to love," The voice hissed, making Alis shiver. "You're worthless," 

The words circled Alis's brain, making him believe them even more. 

He knew he would just hurt Matt if he fell in love with him. 

Frigid claws seized his heart, making his limbs frozen in fear. 

"You can never love him, he will hate you for who you are," 

I cried in pain when it released me, my hands automatically reaching for the hidden weapon. 

I let my sleeve fall, revealing all the slashes and bruises that marked my arm. I stared at the big scars on my wrists, painful memories of things I failed to do.

I cut new ones, the voice inside my head edging me on to cut deeper. 

Blood spilled from the wounds, and so did tears from my eyes. 

It hurt so much to be alive sometimes I wish I was never born. It hurt to look in the mirror and it hurt to look at my mother's disapproving face, knowing I was a disappointment to her.

The scar on my neck itched, making me remember the fire. 

It had caught when I was a baby, and my birth mother had died trying to save me. 

I lost my left foot in the accident, along with the only person who loved me, that's what people had told me anyway.

The only thing I remembered was the flames and my mother's burnt face screaming at me through the smoke. The last thing I remember was a burning beam snapping my foot in two.

I wiped my face, hearing my stepmom get home from work. 

I cautiously crept down the hall and stopped in front of her. 

"Good evening mother," I said in my voice that was reserved for her. 

She grunted in response, lighting a cigarette carelessly. 

I coughed, my lungs burning, still remembering the smoke that had filled my eyes.

"Take out the trash," She grumbled.

"Yes, mother," 

I obeyed her, snatching the overflowing bags off the ground. I kicked the back door open and dumped them into the cans. 

I stared at the bloody tissues I had left in the top and quietly closed the lid. 

"She's exhausted, you know," 

"I know," I said quietly, letting my arms hang limply at my sides.

"She's been working all night, just to let your pathetic little ass stay here,"

"I know," I said again, sighing as I opened the door again. 

I ate in silence, staring at a new hole in the wall. 

I cried myself to sleep that night, it being not an unusual thing. 

I knew he would never love me for the monster I am.