There was a time before pain had settled over my life like a thick fog. A time before Victor’s creature and Mama’s death, when I barely came up to Victor’s knees and spent my days charging though the woodland and whacking apart pond reeds that I pretended were incoming invaders. I had been prancing around the lakefront all morning when Mama kindly requested I stop chasing chickens and fetch Victor from the depths of our villa. I found him in the small stone room he always played in.

“Vic-tor, Mama says that Henry’ll arrive soon. She wants you and Elizabeth to be ready for him!”

Victor nodded absently from behind his table as he stirred the liquid inside one of several bowls.

“Do you not want to play?” My head tipped to the side.

“Of course I do,” Victor said, though his shoulder’s hunched. “But Henry and Elizabeth would rather recite poetry and paint the mountains. It is good fun, but shallow! Why not discover why paint changes color or heavens’ secrets that only the mountains know?” Victor’s stirring lessened. “They do not understand. No one does.”

“Oh, I cannot stand poetry either!” I chimed. “That man Papa had speak the other night was a great snooze. I think your little bowls and vials are quite fine, though I cannot say I understand em’.”

Victor’s stirring spoon clattered to the ground. He looked at me for the first time. “Truly?”

“Uh-huh,” I said with a finger up my nose.

“You can be my assistant, then!” Victor’s hands clapped together and he shoved a wooden stepping stool beside the table so I could watch him. I scrambled up and he handed me a bronze spoon and a bowl of reddish liquid.

“Now, do not drink these chemicals, Ernest. This is dangerous alchemy!”

“What are we doing?” I breathed in excitement.

“Turning lead into gold,” Victor said in his best serious tone, though his smile broke through. “Mother would love it if we brought her a golden necklace made all by ourselves!”

“Yeah!” I chirped, and Victor’s smile widened.

“Like this, Ernest,” Victor said, churning the liquid in his own bowl. My attempt to replicate him sent the liquid splashing carelessly over the rim. Victor’s hands gently took hold of mine and guided my stirring until I had gotten the rhythm down.

“You are a natural,” Victor grinned. “It is nice having someone to play with.”

My cheeks flushed with heat, making me notice how cold the cellar was.

“It is chilly,” I remarked, glancing at the open window high above us. “Could you close that?”

“I am afraid not,” Victor explained. “These fumes are suffocating and will build up if they cannot escape.” Victor pointed to a badly rusted fire poker and a flaking steel bucket in the corner. “See how the lingering chemicals can devour the strongest material known to man? Fear not though, as long as we have sufficient air flow, no harm shall come to us.”

“You are brilliant,” my eyes widened.

Victor’s reply was cut off by Mama’s faint voice announcing Henry’s arrival. Victor immediately set down his spoon and began shutting the lids on his containers, whistling a little tune to himself. He gave me the honor of closing the last one while he strained upwards to shut the window.

“We must do this again, Ernest,” Victor said as I followed him into the hall. The rusted hinges creaked as he shut the door behind us. “Once the chemicals have the proper consistency, we may add lead and move onto the next step!” He paused and gave me a very serious look. “I must ask that you do not enter this place without me. Alchemy is a dangerous art if not handled properly.”

“Okay,” I nodded, charged with excitement at this secret project for Mama as we rushed up the stairs to the main room.

Victor met Elizabeth and Henry at the front door. Though I was too young to join them, Victor assured me that I would be old enough before I knew it! From the window, I watched the trio’s departure with a creeping loneliness. Chasing chickens did not appeal to me anymore. My legs carried me back down the twisting stairway to Victor’s little stone lab. Each bit I yanked the hefty door open the rusted hinges squeaked. Thankfully, I could squeeze inside with only a few inches of leeway. Yes, Victor had said I should not come here alone, but I was a natural at stirring, he had said so himself! How happy would Victor be to return and find himself ahead in his research! I popped the lids off the surrounding chemicals as I searched for the one I had been stirring before.

A chilly draft swept by me accompanied by a great bang. I turned to see the door had shut. Hopping off the stepping stool, I bounded over to yank it open. The rusted knob disintegrated between my fingers, turning to dust in my hand from the continuous chemical exposure.

The surrounding fumes were thick in the air, and I rushed to open the window. My fingers strained upward, but even with the stool; I was too short. Too little. The peaceful blue of Switzerland’s sky rivaled my panic as I banged my fists against the wooden door. My voice grew hoarse as I screamed for Victor to save me. I screamed and screamed but no one came. No one ever came down here but Victor. I sunk to my knees by the door. The fumes were overpowering, pumping their poison into me as my shouts faded to whimpers.

I do not know how much time passed until the door swung open and inaudible cries reached me from where I had collapsed.

“He is here! Mother, he is down here,” Victor shouted, and I felt his arms carry me into the hallway. “Ernest, say something! Little brother? Talk to us!”

“Fetch a nurse,” Elizabeth whispered. My vision flickered between black nothingness and the vibrant colors of reality. The frantic screaming around me seemed to come from someplace far, far away.

My head bobbed as new hands tore me from Victor’s grasp. I recognized Mama’s voice as she cradled me.

“His face is blue! Oh Lord, Lord do something!”

“What happened here?” Papa’s voice came somewhere close to my ear.

The blurry shapes of Victor and his friends came into view. Victor was clutching his mouth, horror struck as Elizabeth stroked his shoulder. He stepped forward.

“Father, he was locked in my lab,” Victor croaked, nearly in tears. “The chemicals…”

“What have you done?” Mama’s shriek split the air. She was always so calm and nurturing to us, Victor adored her. But seeing me unresponsive seemed to momentarily tip her off the edge. “I told you to be careful with those chemicals! You would leave your little brother alone with your supplies? How could you be so irresponsible? You killed him! You killed your baby brother!”

Victor’s face had turned deathly white. “I, I...”

“Take him upstairs, he needs fresh air,” Papa ordered. Mama clutched me to her chest, as though her life could replenish mine. My head rolled over her shoulder as she rushed up the stairs. I watched the quickly fading figures left behind as Elizabeth touched Victor’s arm.

“She is in hysterics. She knows not what she says, Victor.”

But Victor was not listening. His horrified eyes were fixed on me with such an intensity that I could feel their gaze long after we had rounded the corner.

I never completely recovered from the incident. My coordination became sloppy and my constitution for academics nonexistent. Illness struck me easier too, and planned trips across Europe were canceled in favor of a more permanent lifestyle in Belrive. Being a child, I adapted well enough, but that look never left Victor’s eyes. It lingered with each unnecessary hour he spent trying to explain the schoolwork and dance theory everyone else had forgone teaching me, or every stone he threw at those laughing faces when I could not keep up. He stayed in his room for longer periods too. Only Elizabeth and Mama could draw him outside, so much did they mean to him.

Then Elizabeth sickened, and Mama died tending to her. Shortly after the funeral, he made arrangements to depart for Ingolstadt. I caught him just as he was stepping out the door with a suitcase of carelessly packed clothing poking out the sides. His shoulders shook when I called to him.

“Must you leave so soon, Victor?”

“What use am I here?” Victor muttered. “I failed to fix Mother, just as I failed to fix you.”

“It was never up to you what Mama’s fate would be,” I pleaded. I needed him to stay! How precious ‘stay’ was. “God decides these things.”

“The god spoken of in Geneva’s pulpits is benevolent and good!” Victor whirled on me. “Whatever governs this world is insensitive. Uncaring! No God of love would let Mother slip away, not when she was doing his good work by caring for others!” Victor shook his head. “What right have I to enjoyment while she rots in the ground and you are, are,” Victor turned away. “How can any of us claim happiness when we could sicken at any moment? All I hear is ticking, a countdown until everyone I have left follows her!” Victor’s voice dropped. “Modern medicine can cure disease, surely there exists a remedy for death? Some elixir for immortality as the ancient alchemists claimed? If so, I will not find it within these walls of tortured memories, but I will find it, Ernest.”

“Let me come with you, then,” I said, leaning forward on my cane. “I can help!”

“You must remain here where it is safe.”

“But—”

“No Ernest! You are too weak,” Victors’ eyes radiated hatred. Self-hatred. “Too weak, and it is all my fault!”

My Fault.

It had been forever since that day. I had tried to repress it. To forget. If I had never messed with Victor’s chemicals, if I had not crippled myself, Victor would not have that guilt and the urge to tamper with life and perfect it. Maybe I had not whispered to him to create that creature, but I had set him on the path to inevitable destruction, and when he had come to me, begging for help, I had called him mad and drove my own creation away to die alone.

The memory repeated over and over in the pits of that cosmic creature’s unearthly yellow eyes. Then the eyes blinked, and I awoke.