“Dude, you absolutely suck at this.”

“Shut up, man, I would be doing great if I wasn’t carrying your ass.” Noah pauses the game and sets down his controller. “Where’d the joint go?”

“We smoked it already. We’re smoking a bowl now.”

“You only like me for my green, don’t you?” he asks, making a pouty face.

“We’re literally smoking from my stash. You idiot.”

“Oh. Right. I forgot.” Noah reaches over to grab the bowl from my coffee table. “For a sec I was like, that’s the only reason he invited me over.”

“I didn’t invite you over, you just showed up,” I answer, tossing my controller down on the couch between us. “And why did you just show up, by the way?”

He shrugs.

“Whatever, man. You sounded sad on the phone.” He lights the bowl and takes a hit, coughing on his words. “Why’d you call me, if you didn’t want me to come over?”

The truth is, besides Raj and Kasey, Noah is the only one who knows that Aiden and I are together. Not that I feel like discussing my relationship stuff with him. I just don’t want to let the truth slip to anyone not already aware, and I don’t have the mental energy to watch what I say at the moment.

I thought about calling for Kasey and ultimately decided against it. She’s so happy right now, so elated about the glasses. I don’t want to bring her down. So, here we are.

“Something you want to talk about?” Noah asks.

“No. I just have something I need to think about, but I’ve had a really weird day, so I don’t want to think about it right now. I want to wait until my head feels like it’s back on my shoulders. If that makes sense. Just cause I can tell that I’m not thinking clearly at all. But I was by myself, so I kept starting to think about it and I couldn’t stop, and that’s not ideal, because I feel like I’m mixing up the emotions from today, which were very stressful, by the way, with the stuff I’m trying to think about tomorrow. But then I’m like, should I be thinking about them together? Because it’s not like they’re unrelated. And then I realize, that’s me thinking about it again, when I just told myself that I wasn’t going to until tomorrow.”

“Jesus, dude.” Noah lets out a little laugh, and I glare at him.

“It’s not funny!”

“Nah, maybe not, but it is funny how you go ‘I don’t want to talk about it’, and then talk about it for like five straight minutes without even stopping to breathe.”

“Oh, what the fuck ever, man.”

“This has something to do with you and Aiden, right?”

Noah’s grey eyes are surprisingly focused, given how long we’ve been smoking. I guess his tolerance and mine are probably on entirely different planets.

Something looks different about him, and for a moment, I’m not sure what. It dawns on me slowly: all of his remaining bruises have disappeared. The tiny geometric tattoo by his previously injured eye is returned to its normal shape, no longer swollen into obscurity. The only remaining evidence of what happened with Ralph is the cheap drugstore splint on Noah's thumb.

Something that wouldn’t be true without Aiden, it occurs to me suddenly. Where would Noah be right now, without Aiden? Or I guess - without us?

“It’s fine if you want to talk about it,” Noah continues. “I don’t have anything better to do. Raj is with his fiancée tonight, anyways.”

“No, I honestly don’t want to. But thanks.”

“Sure about that?”

“Yeah.” I lean back against the pillows, pulling my feet up onto the couch. “I’m normally all for getting other people’s input, but this… this is something I want to decide on my own.”

“Suit yourself.” Noah picks up the controller and unpauses the game, and I have to dive for mine before my character dies.

“You jerk! You did that on purpose.”

“Prove it.” He chews his lip for a moment; I see the movement around the curtain of dark hair blocking his face. “Look, man, whatever’s happening with you guys, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Now that I know what’s going on there, I can’t unsee it, you know? You two are something else. I’ve never looked at anyone in my life the way that Aiden looks at you.”

I turn to stare at him, a little shocked, and then remember that we’re still playing. He laughs when I start cursing, my already wrecked health bar going down another few points.

“I actually can’t remember you dating anyone, Noah,” I observe, when things are back under control.

“Well, shit’s been busy.”

“Is that really why?”

“Yeah, that, and… I’m a big believer in saving it all for the right person, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, there have been girls in and out of my life, but. When it comes to the real deal shit, I’ll know it when I see it.”

“That’s… a very specific philosophy on love.”

Noah shrugs again.

“Gotta have a philosophy about something.”

“And what if it doesn’t happen that way? What if it sneaks up on you?”

He glances over at me, frowning.

“How would that happen?”

“I don’t know. But sometimes it does.”

Noah blinks and focuses his attention on the TV again.

“How did we end up talking about me? You’re the one who’s all busted up.”

“I’m not all busted up.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “Yeah, okay.”

There’s a moment of silence, during which we clear the level we were working on, and Noah immediately starts the next one.

“This one’s all mine. I’m gonna crush you.”

“We’re on the same team, Noah!” I move my eyes from the screen just long enough to shoot him a dirty look. “You lousy fucking-”

“Hey, listen, dude,” he interrupts, without turning to look at me. “It’s fucking bumming me out, seeing you all sad.”

“You can go home at any time!”

“No, I meant like-” He cringes as if he’s about to say something terrible. “Is there anything I can do to - help, or whatever?”

I had been reaching over to grab a sip of my soda, but now I’m glad that I didn’t take it yet, because I absolutely would have choked. To hear those words coming out of Noah’s mouth is truly the last thing I expected, rounding out a day full of unexpected shit.

“Um… really?” I ask.

“Yeah, as long as it’s something easy. Preferably something I can do from this couch.”

I roll my eyes, but something actually does occur to me.

“Tell me what you meant, when you said that Aiden liking me explains some stuff from high school.”

Noah groans deeply.

“Come on, man, he’s gonna kill me.”

“One example. Just one.”

He blows out a sigh.

“It was just little stuff. Like... you remember how Aiden would always talk shit about you, right to your face?”

“Vividly.”

“Yeah, so, he did that, but then when Ralph and Grant and I would talk shit about you behind your back, he would never join in, and he'd get all pissed off about it.” Noah glances over at me quickly. “Not that we did a lot of that.”

“Liar. Of course you did.”

“Well. Yeah.”

I exchange a look with him. We’re sort of frowning at each other, but we both laugh a little bit before turning back to the game. This is what happens when I get high and stupid. Laughing with Noah. Unbelievable.

Even more unbelievable, but - I feel a tiny bit better.

“Thanks for coming over, dude.”

He shrugs again, all casual.

“Like I said, Raj is busy.”

“Yeah, about that - you’ve been crashing at his place for longer than I expected. Is the electricity taking forever, or something?”

“Nah, we finished it yesterday. Whole house is humming like it should be. We even got those special lights put in the baby’s room. Kid’s gonna be so happy. I mean, that kid is going to be happy regardless, having Raj as a dad. Guy’s like, the best.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, he’s just super chill and funny. You know he used to do like, a lot of community theatre? He pulls out Shakespeare quotes on the reg.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. He’ll be like: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Because thou art a great fuckin’ time.”

“I’m…. not sure that’s the line, dude. I think Raj might have changed that last part.”

“Well, then, his version is better.”

This serves to distract me for a few minutes, but the stressed out frown I’ve been wearing since Aiden left creeps back pretty quickly, and Noah doesn’t miss it.

“God, Jamie, your face. What did Aiden do?”

Lord help me, making a confidant of Noah.

“He… He left me by myself to make this huge decision. Then he just walked out, when I really needed him.”

“You could have stopped him, right?” Noah’s eyes narrow. “Asked him to stay?”

“I guess, but I was totally freaked out and I could barely think. I - I saw something that shook me up pretty bad.”

A cutscene starts in the game, and Noah uses the break to light the bowl again, thinking before he answers.

“Were you the only one totally freaked out and barely able to think? Or was Aiden feeling the same way?”

I remember the look in his blue eyes, just before he left.

“No, I think he was, too. But not about the same thing.”

“Okay, well, he’s not a perfect person, dude,” Noah answers, around a mouthful of smoke. “He can't read your mind. He’s a human being, just like everyone else.”

Not just like everyone else, but. Yes, so far as I know, he is a human being.

“What's your point, Noah?”

“Alright, I wouldn’t say any of this if I wasn’t stoned, just for the record, but - hanging out with Raj, instead of Ralph, I’ve learned that actually telling people what you mean and what you want makes life a lot easier. If you feel like you need Aiden right now, you should tell him that.”

I stare at Noah for a second, my eyes wide.

“Jesus, man. Who even are you?”

He groans and looks away.

“I don’t fucking know anymore. You two idiots are turning me soft.”

~~~~

After Noah goes home, I sit on the couch for what must be hours. In the dark, in silence, I drift down from our impromptu smoke session. Eventually I get up and take a long shower, leaning my forehead against the tile.

I put on pajamas. Use a lot of eye drops. Get into bed and lay awake, thinking about what Noah said.

Aiden answers his phone halfway through the first ring.

“Hi,” I murmur. “Did I wake you up? I didn’t look at the time.”

“No,” he says, immediately. “No, I - I was up.”

I pull the phone from my ear and discover that it’s 1:49 AM.

“I haven’t decided anything,” I tell him, my toes curling beneath the covers.

A long pause follows.

“Okay…” he finally says.

“To be totally honest with you, I haven’t even thought about it yet. Today was crazy. I know that you’re more used to this kind of thing, but I’m still freaked out from what we saw. I’m not going to make important life decisions when my mind is all over the place.”

Aiden and his long silences. I can practically hear him thinking.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have sprung that on you right after - right after what happened. The whole thing just made me realize…”

“I get why you did it, but yeah, in the future, maybe don’t talk to me about such important stuff while my brain is rebooting.”

“That’s more than fair.”

“And…” I roll onto my side and close my eyes. “I know we’re in a weird flux right now, but I wish that you hadn't just left me alone like that.”

“I thought you would want some time alone. I’ve always found it easier, being alone. When shit is too much.”

Oh, my god. Of course.

“That’s what works for you, but I’m not the same way.” I hesitate, my stomach twisting. Most of my previous relationships didn’t involve this sort of communication, and I’m not used to it. I’ve been operating in the realm of hints and double meanings. If I was talking to Roger right now, I’d just send him texts about how I was all by myself until he got the message.

Directly telling someone what’s in my heart, especially when I’m feeling this vulnerable, sounds no less daring than anything else I’ve done this summer.

“Jamie?” Aiden’s voice wavers on the other end of the line. “Are you still there?”

I take a deep breath.

“Look, I - I need you, right now. I don’t want to be by myself. Can we please put that other stuff aside, for one night?”

Yet another silence. My heartbeat kicks up, telling me that I just laid myself bare like an idiot, and what was I thinking listening to Noah, of all people...

“Aiden?”

“I’ll be right there,” he says, and hangs up.

~~~~

Aiden doesn’t live that far away, but I’m still a little surprised by how quickly he shows up. He’s wearing an unzipped jacket over his pajamas, chilly night air clinging to his clothes.

“Wow,” he says, when I open the door. “It smells like a lot of weed in here.”

He freezes when I crumple forward and press my face into his chest, right there in the doorway. There’s a pause, and then he closes his arms around me. Just this is enough to make me almost giddy with relief. Having Noah over was helpful, but I wasn’t about to ask him for a fucking hug.

I straighten up, take two handfuls of Aiden’s jacket, and pull him inside. He shuts the door behind us, and we stop there, in the entryway. Neither of us seems to know what to do for a moment.

Aiden takes me by my elbows and moves a step closer.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, blue eyes on my face. “I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay, stop saying that you’re sorry. I don’t need you to be sorry, I just need you to be here.”

His hands tighten on my arms.

“I’m here.”

I thread my fingers through his and lead him into the bedroom. Sit on my bed and watch while he shucks his jacket, shoes, and socks. He climbs up onto the mattress and leans over to open my window. Cool air drifts in, taking some of the stress heat out of my face.

Aiden gently pushes me down onto my back.

“Are you stoned?” he asks, stretching out next to me.

“Before. Not really, now. Noah was here.”

I see Aiden’s eyebrow quirk, even in the darkness.

“Weird, but okay.” He hesitates, then reaches over and traces a finger down my cheek. I turn my head and push my face into his hand. Assured now that he’s okay to touch me, he shifts closer and rolls me onto my side. Curls himself around me, cups my body with his. The steady rhythm of his heartbeat against my back starts to soothe my frayed nerves. I close my eyes.

Aiden slips an arm around my waist and holds me, and even though I’ve been in my apartment for hours, I finally feel like I’m home.

I take what must be my first real, deep breath since everything happened.

“Okay,” I mumble. “I’m starting to feel like a person again.”

“Good,” Aiden rumbles, his voice husky and soft. “You know… the accident made it onto the local news tonight. It looks like no one was hurt, and no one saw us. I don’t know if that helps you, but - we did good today.”

Does it help? I’m more thrown by what we almost saw, rather than what we did see. Although... I’ve been thinking of the accident in the larger context of Aiden, and his lifelong obligations, and what they mean for our relationship. Hearing this news somehow makes the accident more singular, a tiny bit easier to digest.

Today, at least, no one died. In fact, someone lived, against all odds.

We did good today. He’s right. It was terrifying, but we helped someone. I’d lost sight of that, in the chaos. We helped someone.

Thinking about it this way reframes the picture, somewhat.

“That does help, actually,” I tell Aiden. “I feel a little better. I think I want to go to sleep. But - don’t leave, okay?”

He buries his nose into my hair, his arms tightening around me.

“I won’t. I promise.”