Friday

For the rest of the week, Senn had watched Elio cozy up with Joyce every possible moment. At first, he had observed them, hoping to find out that it was mostly Joyce who was seeking Elio’s company. That it was mostly her who wanted to cuddle or sit together or hold hands while walking through school.

Sadly, none of that was true. Elio seemed all too willing to let her do all of that, and more. When on Friday Joyce kissed Elio on the lips during lunch, and he in response pulled her onto his lap, Senn—who had been approaching the table with Lucas and Avan in his company—turned on his heels, suppressed the need to throw up, and walked the exact other way.

He hadn’t missed the frown on Lucas’ face, or the worried look on Avan’s face.

They exchanged a few whispered words that Senn didn’t catch, before Lucas caught up with him and followed him outside, into the fresh air.

Away from the suffocating lunchroom and the people in it.

“Dude,” Lucas said once Senn took a seat on the grass, angrily staring at another couple on the other side of the fountain. “Are you okay?”

“No, Lucas!” Senn hissed angrily. He threw his backpack aside without any intention to grab his lunch. “Do I look okay to you?”

“Not really, to be honest.” Lucas scratched his head, but while Senn rather wanted him to leave, he took a seat beside him.

“Then why did you fucking ask?”

“I don’t know, Senn,” Lucas sighed. Much to Senn’s surprise, he didn’t even sound annoyed or angry over the fact Senn snapped at him. On the contrary, he remained calm, though he sounded a bit, well, disappointed. “What do you expect me to do? All week you’ve been staring daggers at everyone and I’m just not sure where it went wrong in the course of a week. You’re not telling Avan or me anything either, but we do see the connection with Joyce suddenly dating someone else.”

“It’s not Joyce, stop asking,” Senn grumbled, crossing his arms. “I said I was fine with it, didn’t I?”

“But are you really?”

“I don’t give a goddamn thing about her dating someone else, Lucas!” Senn yelled at him in anger. They really needed to stop prying for answers as to why he was so upset with Joyce and Elio dating. He really didn’t feel like spilling the truth. He lost to many important people already, he wasn’t willing to add his best friends to the list; may it be in a different way.

Lucas was biting his lip so hard it seemed like he decided to replace his lunch with it, but then he opened his mouth to speak again.

And then he decided against it, snapped his mouth shut again and looked at his own hand plucking on his jeans.

“What?” Senn demanded him to speak up anyway.

“I just…” Lucas paused, shortly sending Senn a look before deciding he didn’t want to make eye contact while he spoke. “Are you sure you don’t have any feelings for her anymore?”

Senn sucked in a breath, breathing out heavily. He was as sure as he had ever been. No part of his body longed back to her in any possible way. No, he simply wanted Elio to kiss him again. To kiss him like he kissed Joyce without people staring at them for it. He wanted to hold his hand, to sit on his lap, to do whatever couples did.

Damn it.

He was catching feelings faster than he could blink his eyes. Which had probably been accelerated by his jealousy, but that wasn’t important.

“I swear to God, if you ask me about her one more time…”

“I’m just trying to make sure you’re not hiding anything. It’s not like you’ve told much in confidence to us lately and I feel like I don’t really know you right now, while I just want to be there for you.”

“Well, for starters, if you want to be there for me, stop fucking bugging me about my ex. This isn’t about her.”

And if that hadn’t been the best hint Senn could give Lucas about what it was actually about, Senn didn’t know either anymore. He rather wanted Lucas to casually ask if this was about Elio, so he could answer with a plain ‘yes’ and that would be all.

Sadly, Lucas didn’t catch on.

“Is it something Avan or I said?”

“Oh, fuck off, Lucas!” Senn cried out, feeling slightly desperate for Lucas to gain some sense in the span of a few seconds. “You really don’t understand anything, do you?”

“I’m trying to!” Lucas rolled his eyes, and simply because of that attitude, Senn pushed himself up, snatched his backpack off the ground and shook his head.

“I really don’t want to talk to you right now.” Senn knew he was being a dick, and Lucas had done nothing wrong. But he was about to burst his own bubble and yell at Lucas what the real problem was, and he couldn’t let that happen. Especially not while surrounded by dozens of students who’d probably love to gossip even more about him.

Which was why he left to search for a quiet place.

Surely, he could’ve just leave school altogether and sulk in the safety of his room. Wouldn’t it be that his attendance rate was at an all time low—a whooping 45%—and school had threatened to take measures if he’d drop even lower.

Senn guessed 45% was where school drew the line of being considerate seeing the unusual circumstances.

But what school thought about his presence in class wasn’t important to him. He simply started caring enough about Tessa’s opinion to take her reaction into consideration before leaving again. And they had clearly agreed he wouldn’t leave over every little argument, or every wrong word someone said in his presence. This would be no exception.

Maybe Tessa would’ve let him leave early if she knew exactly why he left. Maybe struggling with his sexuality and finding his crush kissing his ex girlfriend in the middle of the lunchroom, in combination with his best friend not catching on to any hints was enough for her to let him sulk in bed or on the couch for a while.

But it was probably something Tessa wouldn’t accept until after school was over for the day.

Once he found himself a secluded spot in an empty classroom on the first floor, he took out his father’s magic-8-ball, staring at is while taking a deep breath. Maybe giving Lucas subtle hints wasn’t enough, since Lucas probably had no idea where to begin looking for the right answers. It was safe to say Senn had never told them about Julian or his feelings for the guy, else, by now, Lucas or Avan would’ve asked if Elio was the problem instead of Joyce.

So, it was equally safe to say they probably weren’t going to guess he was falling for Elio if he wouldn’t simply tell them he was into guys.

But he didn’t really feel like it was the time to tell them, simply because he himself had no clue how they would respond.

He closed his eyes, grabbing the magic-8-ball with two hands, and whispered; “should I come out to Lucas and Avan?” He shook it with both hands, and kept his eyes closed for a few more seconds, too afraid to find ‘yes’ as the answer to look right away.

But when he slowly opened his eyes, the magic-8-ball didn’t grant him a clear answer. Instead, it simply replied with ask again later, leaving Senn just as torn as a few seconds before.