Jackson single handly managed to make me flustered even after I told myself I wouldn't let that happen. How long could I go on like this? He was a temptation to me. I honestly wondered if he knew he was a temptation for me. Part of me wanted to jump into the abyss with him headfirst not even worrying about what would happen if it was the wrong thing to do. The other part of me wanted to run from him and destroy any feelings that developed. I was the older one here, so I surely had to be the more mature one right?

The answer was rather clear but why did it seem like the wrong answer? It seemed like we were pretty much on the same level for maturity, despite a few years of the age difference between us. I should have been over the fact that he had made me flustered but even two days later here I was pacing around my office too deeply worried about it. Surely something had to be really broken inside my head now. Maybe I had Stockholm syndrome now? That was always a possibility, even though he had never kidnapped me or abused me.

He wasn't holding me against my will I was free to leave and I didn't have any of the signs of the syndrome so that marked it off my list of possible new illnesses that made me want to fall hopelessly in love with this man. I pulled my hand through my hair aggressively and sighed. None of this made any sense to my logical brain. I hated that I couldn't figure out why I was in love with this man, when I thought of him I saw his smile, and could recall exactly how he smelt. A knock on my door pulled me out of all my thoughts, Emerson opened the door. He had Ares in his arms rocking him back and forth.

"Feel like listening to me vent a bit? You can have a baby fix as well!"

He looked frustrated and on edge. I cared for this kid, or rather man now, he could for sure be called that.

"Come sit and tell me all your problems, but first I will require a large payment of baby cuddles."

Emerson handed me, Ares, before sitting on the couch and I sat by him Ares laid out on my chest. He was already almost fourteen days old and that was shocking.

"What kind of things would you like to talk about today Emerson?"

"Maddox, and my wanting to go back to school."

"Alright, start with the thing that causing you the most stress."

"School, I want to start school but I feel like Ares will be too little and it will only serve to stress me out, I feel like I won't get to see him properly get bigger."

"I'm assuming you mean going to college? If that's the case why don't you go to the local school?"

"Yes that's the plan, but I stuck on the fact that I might miss parts of my son growing up, it doesn't seem fair to him that I will be gone for so long."

"Four to eight hours a day is not a long time to be gone, and I'm positive there are enough people who would be willing to help look after Ares and help you will college as well. And you don't have to start this coming semester you can wait for the next semester to start in the winter months. You have plenty of options so you don't have to overly stress out about not having options or plans. As for worrying about being away from Ares so long, yes he's your son and you want to be around him twenty-four hours a day, but you also have to do things for yourself that will help you and your son out in the future."

"I just feel like I'm letting Maddox and Ares down if I go to college."

"How does Maddox feel about you going to college?"

"He wants me to go, he thinks it will help me make friends and give me something to do instead of just sitting around looking after our son. But I just assumed that was what I was supposed to do."

"Emerson, College would help you find friends, having normal friends would be good for you. You might even find other transgender folks, that would be a great support. You will also probably find other young adults with children that are looking to connect with people like them."

"I just don't want to let anyone down Zev, You know."

Ares moved on my chest making me smile. I looked down at him and back at Emerson.

"Bettering yourself is not going to be letting anyone down. Your doing whats best for you, you are allowed to be a little selfish, its not going to look bad on you if you go to school for a few hours a day instead of waiting on Ares every moment of the day. It takes a village to raise a child and there are definitely enough people in this village to help you raise Ares. You don't have to raise him all on your own every day, everyone needs a break at some point."

"I mean Maddox helps when he's home from work, and you help and so do a handful of other people, but it still feels so wrong to go to school well he still needs me."

"Emerson, Ares will always need you, that's why you have to do what's best for the both of you. Having an education is not selfish it's what you need and it will help you in the long run. Do something for yourself."

"Alright, I look into going to school, but maybe when he's a few months older."

"Good, that's what I want to hear."

"Hey Zev, Are Jackson and you any better after you gave him a piece of your mind?"

The question caught me off guard and took me a moment to think about it. I told him we were doing better now and that he had apologized and said he wouldn't have Nathan killed. Which was good, Even though I had to use his feeling for me against him. It was a good thing I had been right about his feelings too because if I hadn't then Nathan would surely be dead right now.

"Emerson, I meant to ask, How are things between Maddox and yourself after you punched him in the eye?"

The look of shock and the look of guilt on his face before the laughing light-heartedly made me mildly concerned.

"We are ok. I did apologize for punching him later that night. I was angry that he thought it was ok to act like that, but then what I did didn't make it any better. But he also kind of did deserve to have his shit rocked by me."