Lece leanes over her apartment deck, whispering down to me. She has that flare in her eyes that she always gets when something out of the ordinary happens.
“You were right.” Lora looks at her, her eyes full of confusion. I just shudder, I know what she’s talking about. The Kingdom tore up our land again, like they do every time the snowstorm ends. They call it The Building Season, we call it destruction. The more they expand, the less people can live here, can have jobs. This was, in my opinion, the last straw. They took out our water plant, killing five people, and taking away our water source for a week. We had to walk miles to find a stream, the rain is our only water source in the wasteland. But we already knew that. No, that’s not why I’m scared. A declaration of war, I was right. We declared war on the Kingdom. We’re attacking. I always hated the thought of war. I don’t care who attacks first, the Kingdom has bombs. It seems like they’ve been preparing for this war for a long time, like it wasn’t just expanding for the sake of expanding. They wanted this. Last year they took out our military base, but a few things didn’t add up. We used to have bombs, but they suddenly vanished. On the recording, you couldn’t see anything igniting, even though debris would have set them off. But the most disconcerting thing of all is this: If you strained your eyes, and focused on one particular area, you could see a glimpse of platinum blonde hair, and too blobs for hands holding something. Platinum blonde hair just isn’t a thing in the League. We all have pale skin, black hair, dark green eyes, and freckles, some people just have some dotting their cheeks, but people like me have them covering the entirety of our faces. The figure in the recording was tan, and obviously not a member of the League. But what do we do now? Wait for sudden death? But then I see Lora’s face, my little sister, and her loose clothing drooping to the floor, and her hair that we attempted-and failed-to curl. She can’t die! I find it suddenly hard to breath. I can’t contain fear, but I can’t let Lora know I’m scared. The pitter-patter of rain on pavement fills the air, as storm clouds roll in. Me and Lora retreat inside our apartment, bidding goodbye to Lece. Slamming the balcony door shut, I let out a sigh. It’s easier in my apartment, I can pretend everything is fine. Ma and Pa have the T.V. on, their knees pointed toward it, sitting on the couch, but they don’t seem to be watching. They’re mumbling to each other over a gun scene in an action movie nobody has heard of. Both of their heads turn toward me and Lora as soon as we’ve kicked off our shoes, like we’ve walked in on a murder scene. But ma smiles warmly, too warmly. I can see right through the fake smile. Right through to the panic. Is this about the Kingdom? About the war? I feel my stomach twist into a thousand tiny knots. What is happening? I find the one step leading to the bedrooms. Lora doesn’t follow me, she doesn’t understand. She never reads between the lines. I see her sit in ma’s lap, asking what the movie is called. Ma doesn’t know, I can see that clear as day. Of course they haven’t been watching. This was a cover for the fact that they were talking about the war. I get off the step and walk to the kitchen, realizing they won’t be talking about war anymore. I keep my mouth sewed shut, not saying a word. My kitchen is a small room, with almost every surface made up of granite or linoleum. I pull a bag of chips from the top of the fridge, and reach into it, pulling out a handful of crumbs.
I crumple the bag angrily. Lora. She loves baseball, but balls are expensive, and the sporting goods department store is on the other side of the League. We can use any old branch for a bat, but we often need to use the pits from peaches, or an apple. We haven’t gotten fruit yet this week, so we’re probably out. We tell her not to use our other food, that the cost adds up, but she doesn’t listen. She never listens. I stop myself from getting too angry. She’s only four years old, I remind myself. It’s not the end of the world. I just won’t get a snack. There’s just a war that I have to protect her from. Will the world end? Will the League be torn to smithereens again? Will the Kingdom rule the Earth, destroying every other species besides humans? Will I be dead? Will my whole world be gone?
I don’t know.
I walk back into the living room, and sit on one of our old leather chairs, facing the T.V. Pa tries to look happy as he starts watching the movie even though it only has twenty minutes left in it. Ma just frowns, not knowing how to act. I take more after ma in that we really can’t hide negative emotions very well. Positive ones are easy. But when something happens we just can’t stop ourselves in time. It could be yelling, or crying. It doesn’t make a difference. Lora takes after her too, but she struggles more with keeping positive emotions at bay. It leads to fights, but she prevents the house from going into mayhem. I don’t think she knows how important she is to us. How could she?
“So,” I start. “What were you guys talking about?” I ask before I have a chance to stop myself. I do things like that all the time. I suddenly just decide to get all brave, and end up regretting it later.
“We were talking about the Kingdom,” pa says, looking at me with piercing eyes. I frown. He’s found a way to tell the truth, and still have me know nothing at all at the same time. Maybe it’s just for the benefit of Lora, who is now grimacing at the T.V. I look back over to it to see a bloody man wailing in pain on the ground. Ma turns the T.V. off without a second of thought.
“Sorry, love,” she says, patting her back. Then she looks at me. “If you’re hungry I can make you some toast. Come pick out your bread.” Could she be any more obvious? I know how to make toast. We only have one kind of bread. I nod.
“I want toast!” Lora says walking up to ma.
“I’ll make you some.” I say, grimacing at the idea of her knowing the kind of things that are about to happen. She seems satisfied with my answer, and goes to sit next to pa on the couch. Relieved, I follow ma. Once in the kitchen, she looks at me with sadness in her eyes.
“Patty,” she starts. My birth-name is Patricia, but ma likes to call me Patty, and Lora and pa call me Pat. I just like Trish though, so I introduce myself as Trish. I have it memorized: “Hi, my name is Trish, and I’m thirteen years old.” Ma says that I’m not good with new people. That’s true. I only have one friend, Lece, and it’s because she lives in the fifth-story-apartment right above us, and our parents get along well. Lora on the other hand is a natural at friends. It’s genetics from pa. She got most of pa’s genes, his refined face, sculpted eyebrows, and rosy cheeks. I look like what would happen if ma and pa dissolved into each other. My skin, instead of having rosy cheeks, has red splotches from acne. My hair is greasy and thin, like how short my dad’s hair is weighed into me having a thin, scraggly wet cloth on my head. Unlike Lora and pa, my eyebrows are thick, dark nightmares that make me look like the antagonist of any given coming-of-age movie. Ma continues. “things aren’t looking good.” I want to tell her that I know, but I just listen. I’ve done my share of talking. Now I need to learn about what’s going to happen to us. I don’t want to. But I have to. She speaks quickly, her words distressed, but she keeps her voice down so Lora doesn’t hear. “The Kingdom is already preparing for our attack and they have bombs and guns and all we have is swords from the land battle, and…” She pauses, almost as if to let me take in the information. I didn’t know the supposed “war declaration” was an attack warning on our part. I don’t know if that makes things better or worse, to be honest. I tilt my head down, but shift my eyes to look up at her.
“Anything else I should know?” I ask, frowning.
“Nobody in the League knows much more than that, but promise you’ll not bring this up, for Lora?” I sigh, unable to hide how much I hate the thought of looking overhead at bomber jets, and Lora not knowing she’s going to die until it’s too late.
“Okay,” I say. “But then what were you talking about with pa? Don’t just say ‘the Kingdom’” Her face falls, and she freezes up.
“We were talking about how the kingdom’s walls are not structurally sound,” she finally responds. Really? ‘The Kingdom’s walls aren’t structurally sound.’ What is she implying here, and why are her implications so vague? I want to shout that I can handle it, but I stop myself. Lora. She can’t know. I can’t say anything. I just scowl and trudge away, starting for my room. I thought she trusted me. I thought she cared about how scared I am. I pass by Lora and pa as ma makes a face, but just sits down next to pa. I push through the red door of my room, close it behind me, and throw myself on the bed. This can’t be happening. She can’t be keeping this secret from me. She can’t be lying to my face. She’s never done that. She’s always told me everything. Or maybe she hasn’t. Has she lied to me before? My head spins. I’m going to die. So is Lora. So is ma. So is pa. There’s no way around it, is there? Hopelessness creeps into my body, absorbing me. My nimble fingers tie up my hair so I can see out the window. Rain calms me from afar. Up close, I hate it, but it’s lulling when it’s on the other side of a wall. I look out at the space a few blocks from our apartment where I sell fruit on Fridays like tomorrow. Lece’s family owns some farm close to the Kingdom’s outer walls that perpetually expand as they steal our land. That far south, there’s not as much rain. In fact, it’s almost always warm. The farm is miles away, but we get a car full of fruit every week. It’s normally just a bunch of strawberries and peaches that nobody buys. I don’t get many customers, but an old man always buys two containers of peaches, one of strawberries, and a family from the less destroyed side of the League pops by a lot to get a container for each of them. When they come, we can go out to the cinema. Those are the best days, when we all get a big container of popcorn, Lora gets a lemonade and some gummy bears, and I get a cherry cola and strawberry licorice. If business is really good, we can go out to eat too. Normally we’d go out to Tammy’s burgers and pizza, and sometimes ma and pa will let me get a second soda for a good day of work. I never go to school on Fridays because of my job. The consequence of that is I’m not allowed to go back inside if it rains. Pa says the frenzy will bring more people around me. He’s right. Now I hope for rain. I still end up soaking wet in the end, but it’s laughable, and even gives me the excuse to dress up for the cinema, which I almost never do for anything else. Ma says I look like a princess in a blue dress, which I don’t know how to feel about, considering how much princesses are associated with the Kingdom.
Will we ever go to the cinema again?
I sit up, and take down my hair. Sometimes when I think happy thoughts they just spiral down to all the bad ones. I don’t like this, but it’s something my mind does out of nowhere. Ma says it’s because I, just like her, am a pessimist. I don’t think I am. When I see a cup with some water in it, I don’t see it as halfway empty. If you were removing half of the water, then it’s half empty. If you were adding, then it’s half full. But usually, I just see a cup with some water in it. And if the cup was half full of poison, wouldn’t you be happy to say it’s half empty? Unless you were just drinking from it.
I snap out of my thoughts at the sound of footsteps. I peer out the window. The rain has stopped, revealing a brightness that you seldom see in the League. Sometimes my thoughts are traitors, and they wonder off so far that I get lost tracking them down. How long has it been? I’d assume only an hour or two, considering the fact that the sun is still out, but usually it takes a while for the weather to clear.
I hear a little knock at my door. Lora doesn’t wait for a response to gingerly walk in. She looks as though her mind is elsewhere. She’s always been a little off beat. Not dysfunctional, just a bit strange. I suppose that I am like her in that sense. We either don’t look deep enough, or, more often, look too deep, suspect the worst, and are ultimately reprimanded for our assumptions. But maybe everybody feels that way. Maybe no five year old is ever fully present. Still, it’s like we have a different understanding of what is happening. When there’s wind others might see the trees swaying, but I see the actual gusts, or the other way around. I don’t know how to feel about that.
Lora plops down next to me, still dazed. I figure she heard something she wasn’t supposed to. I mean, it’s not like ma and pa were being very discreet.
“Ma wants to say sorry,” she says, rather confused. For a second, I am too. Then I remember why I’m mad at her. This makes me scowl again. So she sent in Lora to apologize for her? Lora, who doesn’t even know what to make of these recent events. Lora who did nothing wrong. She’s gonna have to try harder than that to make me forgive this one.
Now, I fully realize why what she did makes me so mad. I help this family. I spend time at that fruit stand in the pooring rain. I found us major suppliers of free food, who are also great company. I’m thirteen years old, and yet, I’m being forced not to know what’s going to happen to me. I won’t even know how I’m going to die.
And then it hits me.
We lost the land battle, but the Kingdom attacked us. We didn’t know what was going to happen. We had to make weapons at the last second, and were still building the entire League. Workers were out and vulnerable. We were utterly unprepared. Builders fell to their deaths, and were shot out of the sky because we were attacked. It went through the night, some people were asleep because we were unprepared. And we were attacked.
My head pounds as my temples heat up. The water plant was an attack. We were attacked. Our defeat to the Kingdom… we were attacked. Lora seems concerned, but I just smile, which calms her. We were attacked.
This time we are the attackers.
I know how we can survive this war.
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