I swallowed hard and shrugged.

“Zaire, there's nothing wrong with talking about your past.” He leaned forward on the table and looked me in the eyes. I did not see any annoyance in his eyes like I had from others when I wanted to talk about it. I see genuine care and understanding.

I took a deep breath, “Well, we met when we were 6 and became best friends. Her name is Natalie. We started dating in high school, and as you know, we were together for ten years.”

“How were y'all not married yet?”

I chuckled and continued. “Around our five years, we discussed marriage. I was all for it and it seemed at the time she was too. She showed me rings in high school of her ‘dream ring’ and I wanted to make that happen. So over 5 years, I saved. As you know, cops don't get paid much. I worked over time, holidays, weekends, anything that would help me reach her dream. I finally had enough saved 3 years ago,” I ran my hands through my hair as I slumped in the chair. I felt my leg bump against Ziah's. His warmth was comforting.

“I ordered the ring and then saved the following year to fly her mom and my parents up to see us and have a reservation at a nice restaurant. “The night I took her out to dinner with our families she acted distant. I shook it off as she was spending time with her mom. Then she was texting during dinner. A client she said," i chuckled, " The suit you pulled out? That was the suit I bought and wore on the night she left. It was the night I proposed.” I took a big swing of beer and continued.

“She looked at me and said no. I went back to our apartment the next day to talk to her and figure out what I did wrong but… her stuff was gone. I haven't spoken to her since that night. I should have noticed signs. Nat became more distant. Harsh. She always compared me to others. Making me feel terrible. She was also working all the time, staying gone months at a time with her job. It really sucked, but I loved her. I thought she was hard on me to help better me… but over time recently I have realized… she wanted me how she wanted. Not who I was. And I was letting her mold me into whatever she wanted because I was so blind.”

He was silent for a while as we finished our plates.

I took a sip of beer and glanced at him.

“What a fucking bitch.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Have you dated since then? Gotten laid?”

“I tried dating once, and when it came to sex, it was hard. I couldn't do it. Not only was I dealing with a shit ton of problems, but I never felt attached to them. I was always questioning the relationship, and never felt valid. I did a lot of research, talked to my psychiatrist at the time and we both came to the conclusion that I am Demisexual.”

His eyebrow raised in confusion. “Demi?”

“Yep, meaning I dont have a sexual attraction to people unless I have an emotional bond with them. It took me a minute to understand but looking back now it makes sense. Even when my ex and I were together sex was great to begin with. When I felt the emotional side of our relationship change so did our sexual side. She became frustrated and I think it made it worse on our relationship.”

“Wow dude.”

I nodded again. “I am sorry I dumped this out on you but…”

He held his hand up and smiled. “We are partners, Zaire. We may not be best friends but I am not an asshole. I do care about you because you protect me. I have your back and you have mine right?” I nodded. “Good, so I know what it's like to have dark days. Just know if you need to vent again I am all ears.”

I smiled, genuinely smiled.

For the first time in a long time i feel as if someone actually cares about how i feel. I usually put up this rock hard appearance but I am just broken. One day I may find someone to help me with healing. But in the meantime I'm going to be selfish and accept his friendship until the day comes and I don't have to rely on just him anymore.