The glow of the afternoon was pretty as I walked towards the backyard of the boarding house. It was midday, golden hour, a little too humid, but nonetheless enjoyable so far. There was even a breeze that passed through the garden area. All that was missing was someone to talk to . . .

I hadn’t seen my roommate all day, and that was basically because he was dealing with some paperwork in the heart of downtown. Owning such a big house at such a young age sounded intimidating. I couldn’t imagine being responsible for historic property.

That was one thing I learned about Felix, months after we first met. At that time, when we’d introduced ourselves, I never thought I would actually get to stay with him in the city. We were strangers then, and now—now it was like we were starting to actually see another side of ourselves.

A part of me realized that this was a big reason as to why I wanted to help Felix fall in love, as well as help him with the homesickness he was undergoing. I only hoped I knew whether this sudden feeling I was having was due to the fact that he was my good friend, or if it was because . . .

I grabbed onto my shirt, feeling the calm pounding of my heart.

Seeking advice on this was the best decision, but who would be willing to listen?

The ideal thing to do was probably face Felix, to tell him that I was feeling this way. What would his reaction be? 

This was definitely the most selfish I’d been in a relationship, friendship or not. I wanted Felix to only look at me, to fall in love with me, but why?

I stared dazedly at the water in the fountain, spacing out until my eye caught onto a slumped figure across the way, not too far from me.

When I called after the resident, he jumped, like he was surprised by my sudden arrival. I hadn’t meant to sneak up on him.

Lewis turned to me as I stood before him, “Oh . . . it’s you.”

“Did you not want it to be me?” I couldn’t help but laugh at his straightforwardness.

“No—! No, I meant—” His lips formed into an upset pout. “I meant someone else.”

I sat down on the ledge of the fountain, while he did the same. This was a very serene area on the property, the quietest place next to the courtyard by the entrance. That was the last time we spoke.

Since then, Ro and he had gotten themselves situated in their new loft, as a fake couple. Thankfully, Felix hadn’t caught onto it yet, though I was still waiting to see who would. I bet twenty dollars that Tommy would figure it out before anyone, and that was if anyone was sharp enough to notice.

“Are you avoiding Ro?” I asked him. Ever since Ro came into the picture, Lewis began to show signs of doubtfulness, even when he determinedly agreed to the plan.

Lewis spluttered, “N-No . . . I’m not avoiding Art.”

Yeah . . . sure.

“Oh, so you’re calling him Art, huh?” I was elated that they were becoming closer.

“Are you just here to tease me? Where’s your roommate?” He questioned.

I looked to the closed gate, at the missing vintage yellow car that Felix owned. He said he would return for dinner. “Work stuff.”

“Ah.” He said, sitting back on his palms.

We listened to the rush of water falling behind us, eyeing the sun rays hitting against the boarding house exterior. It was a lazy summer day. I wished the weather could always be like this.

My friend broke the silence, “Theo.”

I brought my legs up to rest on the ledge, “Yeah?”

“How did you even know Felix? Was it really a coincidence?” He asked, genuinely confused.

I noticed that he was trying to change the subject. Having a fake relationship with someone you hardly knew looked challenging. And so I gave in and prevented myself from venturing further into that territory, even though I was the one who orchestrated it.

Absentmindedly, I drew circles on the stone foundation of the fountain, with the water condensation that fell upon us. “You were friends with me in high school, and since I visited Sammy last year at his boyfriend’s place, then I don’t think it’s that much of a coincidence that we’d meet.”

Lewis wasn’t convinced, “It is a very big coincidence, Theo. I assure you. It’s like fate.”

Fate?

“Is fate romantic?” I said.

He shrugged, “Do you want it to be romantic?”

“Yeah.” That was the truth.

“Why?”

“Because I’m trying to get Felix to fall in love with me.”

He grew quiet.

After a second, his voice was louder, shocked, “Why?!”

I couldn’t answer that. “I don’t know.”

“Are you in love with him?” Lewis rose to kneel in front of me, appearing concerned.

“I don’t know.”

“Theo . . .” He rubbed at his face, sighing. “Felix is the worst person you could fall for.”

Family could be very harsh, but I knew they loved each other. Lewis must’ve had his reasons for being uneasy. I was Felix’s roommate, so I knew what I was getting myself into.

“But he’s nice.” I reminded him.

“I know he is, but he’s also a total flirt, Theo.” Lewis then narrowed his eyes. “Wait. Has he done anything to you? Do I need to go over there and—”

“No. No, I’m fine. I promise.”

What had Felix done in the past to make Lewis worry over me like that?

Like I’d said, I knew what I was getting myself into. It was inevitable that we’d see each other in a different light after living together for so long. I was very much aware that Felix’s exterior didn’t totally match what was inside.

I was also aware that I didn’t need to help him with anything. It’s just that—why wouldn’t I help one of my friends?

“You’re too kind, Theo, it troubles me . . .” Lewis went back to his original spot, “I’m not entirely sure what is going on, but I’ll support your decisions.”

He was telling me that I was kind, when in reality, he was the one who showed me how kind he could be. I wasn’t as nice as people made me out to be. Felix had to see that as well.

The wind unsettled my hair, so I pushed it back. “I don’t know why I chose to do this. I don’t know how to feel, either.” I grinned sheepishly at him. He continued giving me a distressed look. “But since I went through something similar, I want to give him as much help as I can.”

Lewis looked to the ground, like he was preventing himself from saying something. It was clear that he knew what I was talking about.

“Felix is homesick?” He concluded.

Without saying anything, I nodded.

It was true that I’d been through something similar. Homesickness was an occurrence I was familiar with. It could even be excruciating, and to go through it alone sounded miserable. That was why I felt like I wanted to help him—

I could relate to that pain.

But . . . what did that say about my other mission? About my desire to make him fall in love with me?

“Homesick.” I said, aloud to myself.

That was, without a doubt, the one thing I never, ever wanted to feel again.

Compared to Felix, I found it pretty hard to fall in love.

Not to sugar-coat anything, but I had to grow up faster than most people. I never had the sheltered life that Lewis or Sammy got. Similarly to Felix, my family was complicated. Though where we differed began there—he actually got to work things out with them, whereas I never could.

I’d only told him vague parts of that story, only snippets I was willing to tell him so that he could kind of know where I was coming from. It was hard leaving the past behind, for everyone. It trailed after me even now. Though, I’d grown to be a pretty decent person, I think. But still, I was very, very jaded.

And it wasn’t a bad thing. I liked who I’d become, despite knowing how difficult it would be when something like romance showed up in front of me.

That was ultimately the biggest obstacle I had to overcome if I wanted to accomplish my goal of making him fall in love.

I was really serious about that! No matter how much Felix didn’t believe me! I wasn’t kidding when I offered him my help. I just found his dilemma to be interesting and something I’d never done before. And he was my friend, so . . .

There I was again with that word.

Friend.

I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but—like Felix, I wanted to fall in love too. I wasn’t sure why. I wasn’t sure of anything. Only that I had to figure out the reason I felt this way.

This all gave me the determination to go up to my roommate and demand we begin. The other day he’d said that I could do whatever I wanted, and so I was going to keep his word. Because words were important, yeah, though they were getting me nowhere.

I had to do something different, something that didn’t involve thinking or stress.

I’d had enough of stress. All my life, honestly. Now it was my turn to be selfish.

“Felix, if I kissed you, would you be okay with that?”

Felix paused whatever he was doing to look at me like I’d said something incredibly incredulous. Gingerly, he placed the stack of mail he was holding onto the front table near the entrance. He’d gotten back not too long ago, and was settled in comfortably at home after a long day. Jacket off and sleeves rolled up fashionably.

He leaned an arm on the counter, knuckles supporting his chin as I strode up to him, hands folded in front of my face. He didn’t appear convinced that I’d said those words at all.

His eyes peered at me confusedly, “You’re too kind, Theo.”

I automatically slumped against the wall, “Lewis told me the same thing.” I muttered. “I’m not that nice.”

“You are helpful, mon cher. Amid everyone I know, you’re the only one who’s willing to drop anything and everything to help someone in need.” He told me directly. “I think that’s admirable. But I don’t want to take advantage of that kindness.”

“Felix—”

He placed a hand on my shoulder. “Though if it’s something you are determined to do, then I don’t want to stop you.”

A smile spread along my face. “Good.”

I continued staring at him for a while longer, until I broke that peaceful bubble by taking his hand swiftly, noticing the missing bandage on his finger.

Lewis and even Lucas had told me that Felix was a flirt, but it wasn’t constantly present when I was with him. If anything, I hardly saw that side of him at all.

Keeping that in mind, I pulled his arm with a little too much force, dragging him to the center of our living room, and then onto the small couch. Felix sat when I pushed him down gently, though I stayed standing up, nearly bent and grasping onto his shoulders.

The last time I ever kissed someone was a while ago. I had no idea who he’d kissed before, let alone when. We also never kissed each other.

I took a look at his eyes. I could never tell whether they were light blue, or more grey mixed with blue. “Let’s start.”

“I would just like to say that, although I adore you, this is in no way very romantic.” Felix pointed out.

I grimaced. “I know.”

“Then would you like me to try something?” He offered, pulling at my shirt so that I could move even more forward. If that was possible. At one point I’d be sitting on his lap if I wasn’t watching my footing.

“Sure . . .” I hadn’t meant to sound defeated. But I was the one who brought it up, so I wanted to do it all myself.

Felix grinned, like he read my thoughts. “Unwind, Theo. I can see all the responsibilities on your shoulders and it frightens me.”

“But I can’t just sit here.” I mumbled.

“Neither can I.” He replied.

We looked at each other, and then began to laugh softly.

This was definitely unusual for us.

“Come,” He said under his breath, pulling at the last of my shirt before I was completely on top of him, legs on either side of his on the couch.

I situated myself comfortably, knees digging into the cushions. My hands were lightly holding onto him still, somewhat confused as to what I should do exactly. I hadn’t thought things through.

Felix placed a hand on my cheek, “Well?”

Well, damn.

“Are you going to kiss me, or should I kiss you?” I had to ask.

He exhaled, smirk rising on the edges of his lips. “Whatever you want.”

I wanted to start already. What part of that did he not understand? Once more, I was afraid he would push me away. I wasn’t a person who revealed my fears and secrets easily, despite my bluntness. Felix was the same way, albeit a much more extreme case.

Tightening my grip on him, my finger pads smoothed out the clean cotton lining of his shirt. From where I was, I could smell the cologne on the pulse points of his neck—lavender, I think, or maybe rosemary?

This position was advantageous more so for me, since I was keeping him against the couch, but I allowed him to take control. I wanted to see what he was capable of. My curiosities were exceedingly shameless. I didn’t mind.

Felix released my T-shirt and glided his palms over the cloth, not daring to touch my skin directly. I never believed he would. Not now. I could instantly tell he was being careful.

I sank down onto his lap further, arms reaching out to grab the back of the sofa, so that our foreheads could knock together. We were always this close, so this wasn’t very different from how we usually were.

Except that, this time, I was planning to kiss him.

He took my jaw in his hand, thumb rubbing the smooth, sensitive skin near my neck. His fingers were caressing me carefully, like I was something that could disappear at any given moment. He was really good at this. Almost like he was . . . in love with me. Though—that was impossible. Felix would’ve told me if he was, right?

His other hand stayed on my lower back, but then pushed me lightly to pull me into a hug, keeping his arm around me in an embrace, chin resting on my shoulder.

When he spoke, it came out much lower than I thought it could go. “Let me do something else, Theo.” He smiled when I turned to see him. “Is that alright?”

I took his jaw too, “What is it?”

“This.” He answered.

Without a second to react, he tilted his head at an angle to brush his parted lips on the side of my mouth, not close to my own lips at all, but enough to cause heat to rise in my ears.

It was only a light touch, like an echo of an almost-kiss. No one had ever handled me in such a cautious way. It was totally new for me.

Felix kept his nose close to mine, fingers brushing away the curls around my face. His eyes were dark, though I didn’t know if it was because of what he was doing, or if it was due to the lack of light in the room.

“I think you should save your kiss for someone that you love.” He whispered, gaze cast down. “But I also know that I’ll be selfish and steal a few from you. If not now, then one of these days, perhaps. When it is not so late.”

I kept my eyes on him, regarding how close we were. He was still hugging me, so I followed his actions and rested on him, hoping he couldn’t hear my heart.

Because when he did that, I noticed that I wanted to do my part, but when it came down to it, I missed the opportunity to give him a proper kiss.

“One of these days . . .” I said into his shirt.

He squeezed my waist.

One of these days, I would tell him my feelings.