Elise left band practice determined to absolutely join the band, but after she returned home, the euphoria faded and reason slowly wormed its way back into her brain.

She had enjoyed today, good. Singing had been fun, great. And she got along well enough with Jen, and the rest of the band seemed nice too. All very nice, valid reasons to agree to join the band. No amount of post-euphoria skepticism could deny that.

But.

One simple word, the eternal source of all her worries. But. But that wasn't all. But there were downsides too, potential issues to consider before they considered her first. For a start, she barely knew these people. Jen she got along with well enough, but she was also reckless, impulsive, and often unreliable. Elise had never meshed with spontaneous people easily; she liked to be warned ahead of time if she had to make any changes in her plans or go out, and when someone asked her to drop everything for them she shut down and got snappy. And then there was the way Jen had pretty much tricked her into singing with her despite all her protests. This time Elise hadn't minded so much. But what about the next time, or the one after that? How long would it be before Jen tried to pressure her about the wrong thing and they started fighting and fell apart?

Am I overanalyzing this?

Sighing, Elise got out of the shower, dried off, and reached for the toothbrush and toothpaste. She was pretty sure no reasonable person would be analyzing someone else's behavior for potential red flags over such a minor incident this early in the friendship. And yet here she was, doing the same thing every time. It was always the same cycle: she met someone she clicked with, was ecstatic, and then inevitably panicked when their flaws started coming to light.

And that didn't even touch on the others, she mused as she brushed her teeth. Felix, Shine and Zahir all seemed like nice, fun guys she could get along with. But she barely knew them, and they and Jen all seemed so familiar with each other. Could she ever hope to get a foot into the door in this kind of situation? Who was she to say she wouldn't simply become a tag-along again, the friend nobody liked but merely tolerated out of politeness?

Come on, idiot, that hasn't happened since high school. You've always managed to make the leap so far.

Rationally, that was probably true…but she still wasn't comfortable. Zahir had already not seemed to happy with the idea of including her in the band; to her it had looked like he had only agreed because everyone else did. Granted, maybe with time he would warm up to her. He seemed like a nice enough person.

The thoughts were still swirling around in Elise's head when she got out of the bathroom, wished her parents goodnight and went to bed. In front of the mirror she stopped and spaced out, staring quietly at her reflection instead of getting ready to sleep. The girl who stared back at her barely looked older than the awkward seventeen-year-old who had graduated high school four years ago. On the inside, she was doing better than back then, much better. Less anxious, less desperate, more aware of her own standards—but also less trusting.

Come on, Elise. Sometimes flaws are just flaws. Not everything is a potential red flag.

She should probably discuss this with someone unbiased, she thought. Grab her phone, explain the whole dilemma to her online friends; they would listen and hopefully help her see clearer. But…it would take so much explaining until they knew what was going on. And she didn't really want to bother them with her needless overthinking either. Some of them had real problems.

Oh well, whatever. Time would make sense of it, she supposed. For now, she should go to bed, read a little and then sleep.

Except, when she turned off the lights at midnight, she still couldn't get all the swirling questions out of her mind.

~ ~ ~

Elise woke up with irritated airways and a stuffy feeling in her lungs, which reminded her of a whole different issue with joining the band, one that wasn't only in her head.

Singing one song yesterday had been fine. Singing a lot in a row? Potentially performing on stage in the future, moving around while she sang, in stuffy venues with bad air quality? Dancing and singing along from the crowd had already put a heavy strain on her body. And in the crowd she was able to take a rest whenever she needed one, or even a shot of medication. What was she going to do if her lungs decided to rebel on stage?

Sure, she could train, improve her stamina until she could handle it. But could she do that fast enough to keep up with her prospective bandmates? What were her limits? She could try as she might, but she knew she would never match the lungs of a healthy person no matter what she did.

Yeah, said the voice of reason, that's definitely something you should've brought up to the band already.

Was it too late to do that now? Jen would be so disappointed…but it wasn't something she could keep hiding in the long run. And in that case, it was better to rip off the band-aid sooner rather than later…right?

Damn it, Elise hated making people unhappy.

But in a situation like this, what else was she supposed to do?

~ ~ ~

Are u gonna come to again on tuesday?

*practice

It was Sunday afternoon. The practice session was almost twenty-four hours away, and Elise's mind was just as boggled as it had been last night. For a few minutes she seriously considered ignoring it for another few hours, the notifications unopened so it wouldn't look to Jen like she'd been left on read. Then her conscience won over her lack of spine, and Elise opened the messages to try and type up a reply.

I'd love to, she wrote. But I don't think I can sing for you, I really want to but—

Shaking her head, she deleted that last sentence again. What was better? Maybe, But you don't expect me to sing again, right?

No, no, no; that would definitely make Jen upset. Elise turned back to the chapter she'd been writing, typing in a few sentences before hitting a block there too and frustratedly returning to her half-written reply message.

But you're not expecting me to have made my decision already, right? Yeah, she thought, that was better. Because I'm still not sure TBH, but I'm thinking about it so don't worry!

There; optimistic and not too discouraging. At least, she hoped that it would come across that way. In any case she didn't know how to do this any better, so might as well hit send.

A few slow, agonizing minutes later, Jen's reply popped up on the screen. Its ok tkae ur time! it read. whats got u unsure?

Elise took a deep breath.

My health, she admitted. I have asthma—it's not bad enough to kill me or anything, but it's pretty limiting when I try to exercise and stuff, you know? So I'm really not sure if I have the lungs to sing and perform on stage.

This time the pause was longer. Elise's heart sank. So this was it, part of her whispered. The question had been decided for her: Jen surely didn't want to team up with her anymore.

No matter her million worries, she realized she didn't want that more than anything else.

But just when she had almost made peace with the rejection, her screen lit up again, displaying a single word.

OH

All caps, Elise thought. At least that wasn't a small, disappointed oh. If anything it sounded almost like an epiphany, though she wasn't sure how that fit together.

Before she could ask, another message popped up. wait u dont medication?

ahve*

HAVE* goddamit

I do, Elise replied, but I can't just take it in the middle of a show, right? Plus, it can mess with my voice and having to clear my throat every minute isn't ideal when I'm singing on stage, so…

Jen didn't respond for a while, and Elise followed it up with another message. I can stretch my limits so it doesn't happen as much! But I'm really not sure how far I can go.

Then, finally, a reply popped up. Its ok!!! we can figure sometjing out together if u want!

we all hv our weaknesses

Elise smiled.

Jen was so optimistic about this. Part of her wondered if she wasn't being too hopeful, setting herself up for disappointment, but the greater part of her wanted to believe she was right. Maybe she couldn't stretch her limits indefinitely—but maybe, just maybe, it would be enough.

And most of all, she was glad Jen hadn't written her off as weak and fragile immediately. She wasn't freaking out or fussing over her or treating her like a helpless infant; she didn't downplay her condition, but she didn't baby her either. She wasn't ignoring it, but she was being optimistic, and that was the one attitude Elise almost never saw in anyone.

Her doubts melted away. Maybe carelessly, a warning voice whispered in her head; maybe Jen only acted so optimistic out of selfishness, and if her asthma ever became an actual obstacle she would sing a different tune. But…maybe she would have her back. Maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.

Thank you so much, she wrote back. I love how you're so chill about this, most people freak out when they hear about it TBH…I was being such an overthinker and you're just like, sure, it's gonna be okay!! And I love that!!

Jen sent back a heart emoji. Elise's insides felt warm. Why had she ever had doubts? From the very beginning her gut had told her this girl was worth liking, and when it came to people, her gut feeling had never been wrong.

Putting down her phone, she went back to writing when another message from Jen lit up the screen. Overthinker sounds like a song title hmm

HANG ON I JST GOT AN IDEAAAA

BRB

Excitement stirred up in Elise's chest. There went her writing again, she thought. But who cared? She had lost writing time much less productively before.

Right now, she had a feeling this song idea was worth ditching other things for.