Maya’s trauma:

Why do I keep having these types of dreams? I cried to myself.

I have been seeing a shrink for the last couple of weeks Alexis walker she is a young sister who swears she understands my problems. She wrote me prescriptions anti-psychotics. All she did was answer all my questions with questions, which did not help.

She recommended that I take self-defense classes after giving her my history of abuse. The medication I was prescribed made me drowsy and sluggish, so I stopped taking it. I just had to get over this! My doctor explained what was happening to me. She explained that it was P.TSD. Which is post-traumatic stress disorder?

She said I was having difficulty dealing with my past trauma. She explained some of the signs that would reveal insomnia and flashbacks. I didn’t feel like eating either; I didn’t want to do anything. I kept myself isolated in my room. The worst part was I started to like the nightmares feeding into them. I had them every night; it became part of my life.

I couldn’t deal; my hair had fallen out, I stopped taking care of my hygiene.

My shrink made me take therapy and classes with other people dealing with the same problems. I was a mess, she thought that treatment would help. However, no matter what she did, it didn’t help the problem.

3 months later…

I came to terms with my demons Truth was… I had a bad itch that needed to be scratched, so I ventured into the sex world. Because that’s what the itch was; a link between my vagina and brain. If I couldn’t beat this, I was going to deal with it. I started watching porn, which only made it worst. It turned me into a chronic masturbator, I needed something besides my hands.

I hadn’t been on my blog for months, I had multiple emails from people, and I couldn’t answer I wasn’t in a place to give advice. What I thought I knew about everything that I wrote about was a lie. I hope someone else didn’t end up in the same situation. I was clearing out my email messages for quest appearances and talk shows I didn’t want to see anybody.

The spam in my inbox sent me to a novelty shop. It was a candy store filled with exciting things. I scrolled down the page, clicking on stuff and watching videos about them. Everything that I needed was on this page: Vibrators and big rubber dicks. Nipple clamps everything I spent over 200 dollars and shipped to my home, after 7 days, everything arrived.

I ripped the boxes open, added batteries, and charged the devices. I smiled a real smile, which I hadn’t done in a long time.

I read the packages and smiled to myself. I used everything… I had a toy in my ass while I fucked myself with a huge rubber American cock. I tried out the vibrators, and each felt delicious, Orgasm after Orgasm. I spent so much money on their site that they sent me gift cards and coupons. The novelty store sent me a VIP card. I was finally out of my depression; the nightmares had stopped. I think I was on the road to healing. There was one last thing on the site that I hadn’t tried and wanted to try. It was a dual sex-machine; it had a pleasure wand, and a dick all you had to do was lay there.

7days later

When it arrived, it was big and awkward? I hurried to assemble the big ass machine. I plugged it in. the wand was loud as it vibrated then the engine started up

I drooled as I laid down, and the device entered me; it felt like the best thing ever. I just laid there, nut after nut nonstop. The climax that I was waiting for never came, I felt like I was, but there was on end I even fell asleep on the machine, which only made my nightmare more realistic.

I moaned in my sleep and woke up in a puddle. I woke up dehydrated and weak. The bed was wet, and the toy was hot. How long was this going on for? It was malfunctioning. Five stars my ass, I chucked it across the floor.

I hated this; it was like being hungry and not able to be full. It did matter; nothing mattered at a time like this. I wish I could talk to my momma.

Next day

September 18th

Time to go visit my parents, they always listened and never judged. They accepted my friend Lydia like their own.

I had to fly to Chicago to visit them. I had too much craziness to deal with. I told Lydia about the problems I was having; She took it upon herself to invite me to a swinger’s party, That was her way of helping I cut her ass off I didn’t tell her what happened to me, I only told her about my sexual frustration.

Later that day, I flew to Chicago the same day and arrived an hour later. I bought a room for a night at a motel.

The next day I went to the cemetery.

September 19th, kneeling on the ground holding back tears, digging up my parent’s picture. The site hadn’t been visited in a while Mother Nature had taken over; you couldn’t even see the photo of them on their graves.

They rested near all the forgotten loves ones that wasted away in the ground. Both Mom and Dad Were murdered years ago. “Hey, mama…” “I need you more than ever right now,” I said, wiping my face. “Mom, I don’t want to talk to you about this, but I don’t want to speak to dad,” I laughed.

I broke down and told her everything a strong wind blew. Some would think that it was her spirit, but I knew better. A huge weight lifted off my chest. Memories flashed into my head: I could hear them say, “We were put on this earth to live and learn,” Mama said.

My stomach growled. “Dang momma, I miss your cooking,” I said, wiping my tears. “Eat then, girl! You’re always eating!” I closed my eyes and cried long and hard as the memories flashed. I looked exactly like my mother's height smile. “Mama was there for everything my first fight heartbreak and lie. Daddy helped me with my first broken bone and crazy trends throughout my life. “How are those grades miss? “ Daddy would always ask. “I got a C daddy,” I would tell him. “C is a goose egg can’t have that,” he would say. “We want B’s and A’s” And like clockwork, Lydia would run into the conversation. “I got all A’s,” that girl was too smart. They would smile and kiss her butt, she deserved it, though I wiped my tears and held my head up. I couldn’t let this beat me. I said it aloud for the first time. “He raped me! I will not be a victim,” I yelled.

3 months ago… I purchased a 500-page college-ruled notebook, and I’ve been using it as a dairy, so that’s pretty much what you are reading

I needed to stop the self-abuse! My mind was playing tricks on me; Sam literally choked me unconscious then raped me. So how could I enjoy it these nightmares made no sense the reality was Sam had a nice full-length penis, and he was beautiful, that’s probably why? Maybe it's because deep down I wanted to have sex, and that’s my subconscious speaking the Truth. The new medication that my doctor prescribed was better than the last pills. Modern medicine was anti-depression and anti-anxiety.

What I couldn’t figure out was why I had this constant craving for sex? I mean, even now I was thinking about my toys. The only problem with my toys, they are cold and lifeless. I missed being next to a person. I was lonely, scared, and confused and horny, I was absolutely drained and irritable.

A text came from Lydia -“Hellllllllllo?????”

My Phone Started to Ring.

Pretty girl rock- Keri Hilson played as she called.

“Hello?” I said with a nasty attitude! "Look, bitch” “I know you’re mad at me, but please!” “I promise it’s going to be live!” “I promise nothing crazy like the last place” “I’m sorry, forgive me"… Lydia said, begging me! I ignored her! “Please!” She begged. “When?” I asked, annoyed. “I will let you know,” she said, “so… are you going to go?” She asked. I missed my best friend I was lonely and going through a lot. I kept quiet this long, but I was breaking inside.

"Bitch I know you hear me!" She screamed!

I know she knew what today was, but she wasn’t going to let me be sad and depressed.

“I’m here with mom and dad,” I told her. The phone went silent…

I couldn’t stay mad at her. I let out a huge sigh… “tell them I said hi and that I miss them,” she said with her voice cracking.

“Fine…” I whined. “You get one more chance, Lyd.” “I swear if you fuck this up, I will not go anywhere with you!” I warned her. "Yay Girl, I promise you won’t regret this; make sure you wear something that shows off your sexy legs"! She said excitedly!

“Where are you taking me this time, Lyd?” I asked her. "Somewhere fun” “just dress sexy girl!” “You are tall and milk chocolate; you never show skin plus you got a booty girl!” She teased. “You might not have an ass like mines, but you got a booty that can be squeezed by somebody! Be thankful," she said, laughing. "so yeah, if your ass wasn’t so tall, I had something for you"! She said

“Lyd You Are 5’3, And I’m 5’8m.”

“Girl Anything, I Wear of Yours Would Be Skimpy!” I Protested. “That’s Good Girl You Need to Show Your Body Off” “How Anybody Is supposed to be... Oh, Shit!” “Um, Hmm!” “Interested Inn….” “Ooh"! Shit!” She Moaned Loud as Hell in My Ear.

“Lyd I Know You Aren’t Doing Anything Nasty with Jay Ass While I’m On This Damn Phone!” I Yelled at Her. However, She started moaning louder. I Hung Up on Their Freaky Asses. I Couldn’t Lie, I Was Jealous as Hell.

2 weeks later….

October 3rd

It was 5 pm, and I had been at home all day with nothing to do.

-be ready tonight bitch Lydia texted me.

I had to find something to do until then… I’ve made many social sites advice from Lyd, but the types of people on those things I would never meet anybody by myself ever again. I met a person named Andre.

Andre, he was light-skinned, but he was a pretty boy prettier than I would have liked. He stayed in the mirror our whole damn date checking his reflection. He also kept checking his phone. I knew he had somebody at home.

Eddy, he made sure to survey my house. I mean, it creeped me out! I wasn’t feeling his vibe he wasn’t admiring my home, he was scoping it out was he going to rob me? I was going to call the police

Samuel my Jamaican nightmare

That was the past.

I only actually submitted myself to one man. He runs through my thoughts every now and then. The one that I thought I would end up spending my life with. He exposed me to so many things new adventures, but he broke my heart. I’m damaged now forever, craving him. I hate it. It wasn’t just sex or the fact that he took my virginity;; it was more than that. I’m not the same woman who I was a couple of months ago. I’ve completely changed.

Now the thought of a mystery man coming into my house, pinning me down in the kitchen, made me hot, more than I would have liked. What's wrong with me? I’ve been uncontrollable. Only in my thoughts, things I’ve never noticed clouded my mind, I watch fruit porn and hentai I might as well change my name.

I had the same issue; I was lonely going through all of this. I shopped online and bought many pricey vibrators, but it’s not enough; it lacks a particular touch, heat touching on my body. A steady hand rubbing on my thighs and spreading them, I pictured a hot mouth kissing a trail up my leg. “Dammit,” I snapped! I took one of my pills. “It's like I have a second brain that only thinks about sex and pleasure.” I mean, it's terrible.

I almost lost myself at the swinger’s party Lyd invited me to weeks ago for her birthday. Naked bodies and the smell of sweat and watching the bodies touch all over each other “umm.” However, I can’t… I shouldn’t…

My phone ringing broke me out of my thoughts.

“Hello?” I answered. “Hello?” A guy’s voice said on the other line. He had a deep voice. As soon as I heard the baritone, I got hot! The voice sounded familiar. “Yes, who is calling, I asked?” “Is this Mya?” the voice asked? “Who is this?” I wondered again, curiously... “My name is T I got your number from Lydia, she told me to hit you up.”

“Hit me up?” Why is Lydia giving my number out? I thought to myself. “Wait, you got my number from Lydia?” I said on the phone, irritated. I was about to hang up until he asked, “Are you single?”. Why was Lydia trying to hook me up with somebody?

I was doing my independent thing. I was coping, and the last thing I needed was the temptation. I thought to myself. Also, Lyd has horrible taste in men.

I hopped back into the conversation he was still talking I hadn’t heard a word he said. He must really be interested; I ignored him for like at least 4 minutes because I was in my thoughts. Something about his deep vibrating voice sent me into another frenzy. I pictured my pussy on his mysterious face; my thoughts took me into another world. “Hello?” T Said. “Um, Yes,” I Said, snapping back to earth I was hot in the chest having fantasies like a fast teenager. "oh, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were seeing somebody my bad." He said about to hang up. What the hell was he talking about?

“Oh, no…” “I’m sorry I’m not seeing anybody.” “What made you think that I asked?” “Well…. You said, never mind.” He said. I really needed to stop zoning out on people.

“Why did you think that?” I asked him. The phone got quiet. “Hello? “Hello again,” I yelled! He was talking in his background. “Well, I was wondering if you had plans tonight?” He asked, sounding hopeful. “Well, I kind of have plans with Lydia… she is going to take me out somewhere.” I told him. “Oh,” he said, sounding sad again.

“Well, let me see what’s up tonight, and I will let you know.” “Okay!” I said.

“Bet,” he said. I hung up who was that. I thought to myself. I was in my right mind to call Lyd and curse her out, but I knew she probably couldn’t talk due to jay dick stuffing her mouth.

Later that night…

I got out of the bed, went into my closet, and searched for something sexy. All I had was black. I Had to switch it up. I had to stop being depressing. I dug through an old box in the closet and found a simple outfit with a white long-sleeved half-shirt open v neck with some tan cargo pants I matched it with some high top’s sneakers. I took a shot to calm my nerves if otherwise, I wouldn’t go.

I washed my long, naturally curly hair, picked it out, and moisturized it, so it dropped to a mane, but my hair was damaged. I could feel the dryness I hadn’t used my conditioner in months. I brushed my teeth and took a shower the whole shower; all I could hear was that voice from the phone.

I rubbed my body with the soapy sponge, I pictured a body rubbing all over mines, and the only image that kept coming to mind was Lydia.

I just went with it she licked all over my thighs and made her way down to my hot spot, I rubbed my clit in a circle pleasuring myself with my vibrator sending waves through my body “Ooh Lyd!”

I rolled my hips to each wave. I was just about to come, but my phone rung and I damned near fell over when I saw LYD on my screen.