“Who chose those flowers? You’re father would have hated them,” Andy’s mom complains. Andy notices as Matt clenches his fists a few feet away. It’s impressive that he can hold back from responding. Andy often has to bite his tongue to keep from saying something nasty in return to those horrible comments.

He wishes that that things were different. That his mother wasn’t so vain, or maybe just that his brothers made more of an effort to appear normal. Brothers... and sister.

Andy still thought about how Jamie went home with that guy two nights ago. Everyone in town knew Casey the hipster from the town over. He was a frequent flyer at several bars in the area. Andy even recalls that Casey was the one dating the police deputy, Neil Waites. Before Matt and Patrick, they were the gayest out couple in the entire county.

And Jamie went home with ‘him’ last night. The gay guy. Andy was new to this whole sexuality thing... but isn’t Casey gay?! And isn’t Jamie a girl? All of this is so confusing, and Andy has no idea what he’s supposed to google for the information. “What does it mean if my trans sister goes home with an out gay guy?” No. That’s stupid.

He shouldn’t even be thinking of this at a funeral anyway. Especially his father’s. It was his turn to pay respects. He brought a white lily up and set it on the coffin. Shouldn’t he feel sad, Andy wonders. But he feels nothing. It upsets him because he should feel something. You can’t mourn someone’s death if you don’t feel anything.

Andy walks away from the coffin without looking at his father. The next person walks up. To distract himself from the scarier thoughts in his head, he refocuses on the growing mystery of sexuality.

Maybe Casey isn’t gay? Andy wonders as he grabs a cup of ice water from the white clothed table. The suit he was wearing got caught on the table cloth and he spilled the water on his shoes and the ground. Andy’s mother gave him a sharp look of warning, but said nothing. He collected the ice and got down on his knees to wipe up the water with a spare napkin.

Another pair of legs walked over and bent down. More napkins made their way to the ground and the man helped wipe up the water. Andy looks up to find Casey helping clean up the water. Andy’s hand freezes. There’s no time like the present, right? Why not ask... is it rude to ask? Casey collects the majority of the soaked napkins and walks them carefully over to a trash can. Andy follows with his own napkins.

They were now out of the main room, and no one would particularly hear if he spoke low enough now. So Andy, curious as ever, asks.

“Why did you sleep with my sister if your gay? Is it because she used to be a guy?” There’s a pause long enough for Andy to suddenly wish he hadn’t said anything. The regret starts washing over him even more when Casey laughs.

“I’m pan, not gay. And don’t worry, I didn’t sleep with her because she’s trans.” Casey chuckles and pats Andy on the shoulder. Casey walks away while Andy contemplated asking an even stupider question. The response is even more frustrating that not knowing. What does pan mean? Is that some kind of city slang? Casey’s not sexually attracted to pans... is he?

This feels like something he should definitely google rather than ask someone. He definitely wasn’t going to ask Casey. What if he gave an even more confusing answer than before?

Andy is about to pull out his phone when he heard his mother screaming in the next room over. He abandons the google search and runs into the funeral room. What is going on? His mother wails again.

She’s standing in the middle of the room with tears streaked down her face. She glaring at Andy’s three older siblings. Ryan sits off to the side with his eyes downcast. Matt, David and Jamie stare at their mother with unguarded confusion in their eyes. Their mother wails again, and this time she lets out a disgusting growl and points at the three of them.

“You are all disgusting. All of you. You’ve gone against God and to punish us, he’s killed my husband. Your father! He’s dead and you still refuse to change your ways!” Their mother wails at them. The entire church has their eyes on the Shawford family now. Andy wished that his siblings would do something about this. Don’t just stand their and take it! Tell her she’s wrong! Tell her that the old man deserved every inch of pain he got! But not even Andy can speak up.

Out of the corner of his eye, Andy notices that Ryan is shaking. His hands quiver and his leg jumps up and down almost uncontrollably. He’s afraid. Andy walks over to him and pushes for him to stand up. It’s better to get him out of here before something even worse happens.

The twins are pushing open the double wide doors when their older siblings join them. Andy smiles in relief. Instead of challenging their mother right in front of the whole church, they chose to say nothing and leave. Andy knew that his mother is hurting inside, and is lashing out at anyone to avoid feeling that pain herself.

Matt and Patrick sit down next to Ryan on the bench and try to comfort him. Andy paces on the sidewalk. There’s so much he doesn’t understand and only so much he can even form into coherent questions. He wants to ask more about Jamie, and he wants to ask about why god would create something that other people would purposely hate so cruelly. Andy wants to know if it really is Matt, Daniel, and Jamie’s fault that their dad is dead now.

But what comes out of his mouth is, “What does pan mean?”

Matt bursts out laughing. Jamie, Danny, and Patrick start laughing too. Andy blushes. He most definitely shouldn’t have asked.

“A pansexual is someone who is attracted to a person’s personality more than their physical features.” Matt tells him bluntly. And when the wave of understanding washes over him, a tiny light bulb seems to light up above Andy’s head. So Casey likes Jamie because... she’s Jamie. Not because of her gender or whatever.

“Uh, thanks.” Andy says. The other questions spinning in his head seem to answer themselves.

God didn’t create sexually different beings for others to hate. He created people capable of fear, and people capable of hatred based on those fears. God didn’t punish their father because of siblings’ choices in life. He punished their father for the pain, hatred, fear and abuse he inflicted on all of them.

Andy looks at his siblings. He wishes Ryan would speak. He wishes that Matt and Daniel were to visit home. He wishes that Jamie would love her body enough to sleep with the same guy twice.

Yeah. All the pain that the children’s father has caused them isn’t their fault. It’s his.