Trigger warning: exposure of bodies, childhood trauma, but nothing too gore.

I catch Raul in front of the throne room, a sash crossing his splint and a badge on top of his dark grey three-piece suit. The sight of him is dashing enough, but then he has to pull the sweetest smile.

I just want to jump into his arms, except, you know, his left one is temporarily disabled.

“Sir Raul.” I curtsy instead, all the while break into a grin.

He bows back. “Princess. I’ve missed you.”

“It’s been one day.” I remind him, my even-bigger grin betrays me.

“One long day.” He pulls me into half embrace and steals a kiss.

“Raul!” I cry, looking around. The hall is mostly empty except for some butlers cleaning up after his accolade. Uncle Isaac is nowhere to be seen.

“What? Your eyes were asking for it.” He ignores my glare and asks, in more serious tone, “What were you doing here, J? Alone.”

“My knight’s accolade. I simply must attend.” I lead us to the palace garden.

“It was nothing interesting.”

“I agree.” I sit in my usual chair as Raul follows suit. “It was a lot more interesting to learn that unlike my make-believe dream, you are a real doctor.”

Raul looks surprised, though not for long. “Not until next year. I’ve only just graduated last month.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You never asked.”

“There’s plenty of chances, seeing that we talked about it a lot ....”

Instead of answering, he asks, out of nowhere, “Are you a magician?”

“What?”

“Whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.” What kind of dork uses cheesy pick-up line to divert a girl’s attention?

“Nice try, Raul.” I deadpan.

Raul grimaces, looks uncomfortable in his own skin. He must know that I’m not going to let it go, because then he says in defeated tone, “You would’ve turned me down right away if I told you from the start.”

What? “You don’t know that!”

“...Or not, at the price of your conscience constantly haunting you.” He sighs. “How would you feel if I told you, I need to throw away my chance to be a doctor, to be with you? I know you, J. More than anything, I know how much you wish to be one. I apologize for being selfish, I just ... I wanted a chance, J.” He looks at me, his eyes pleading.

I mean ... It certainly wasn’t wise of him to leave me in the dark like that. But I can’t lie, it’s nice to know he put that much consideration into our relationship that early. And it’s not like any of that matters now that I’m no longer the heir apparent. “Okay, let’s say water under the bridge. Just, we’ve come this far, aren’t we? From now on, will you try to talk to me first?”

“I will. In fact, I’ll just do it right now.”

“Yeah?”

“I think, correct me if I’m wrong, you’re not happy with the council’s decision. About Brandon being the next sovereign.”

Well, I’m surprised. I’m sure I hid it well enough, since I myself still can’t decide how I feel about it. But, I know ‘happy’ is not the word I would use.

“I think you’re worried about Primavara’s future. And I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to feel that way.” He must feel me hesitating, because he then adds, “Talk to me, princess. I think it would do you good. And don’t you dare bring my future into this.”

Well, might as well. “No, you’re right! I know it’s everything I’ve wanted to be. So why am I feeling disappointed? Why doesn’t it feel right? I tell myself I want to give Brandon a chance. He’s only sixteen, after all. So why can’t I just let this go?”

Raul smiles wistfully. “Because deep inside, you’re already a queen, J. And a queen will not let her kingdom go down on her watch.”

How ironic, I can’t even deny it. Does that mean he knows me better than I do? “I am, huh.”

“And your uncle knew it, too.”

I nod, half-in and half-out as I try to process. “He did, huh.”

How does this mean? Where do I go from here? And more importantly, if I want to do it right, I need to carefully choose which side I want to be on.

I spend so much time thinking in my own little bubble I didn’t realize there’s a commotion just a few steps from where we sit. I spot Randall speaking on the phone, his expression grim.

The whole scene screams trouble to me, but as Raul said I am a queen, and a queen will not run in the face of trouble.

In fact, she will face it head on—though, in hindsight, I realized that wasn’t the wisest idea.

“Princess Jenny.” Randall bows as he sees me, Raul on my heels. He hesitates for a while before adding, “You’d want to see this.”

I step forward to a black bag at the centre of the commotion, sneak a glance at its inside and immediately scream.

The world spins and the ground beneath me crumbles, as every breath I take burns like fire. Tears and smokes fill my eyes I can’t see a thing. My head pounds and throbs like it’s about to explode. The present is ripped out of me as I plunge deeper into the darkness.

“Mum! Dad!” I hear the all too familiar voice pierces my mind as I struggle to get ahold of my consciousness. All around me, the echoes are closing in, fast, trapping me inside, making it hard to breathe.

“J! Stay with me!” Raul’s shout sounds so far away, like he’s in another dimension, another time.

It’s too cold—she’s so young—my chest hurts—poor child—don’t stare at me—she wouldn’t survive—don’t touch me—this is the end of Primavara—stop—baby?—stop—it’ll be alright—make it stop—MAKE IT STOP!

And then, silence.

And then, nothingness.

^^^

“... amnesia. Don’t .... she ... strong.”

“Dissociative? But ....”

“... she ... okay? What ....”

“A bag of Sherry’s cold, lifeless body.” I regain my consciousness at the mention of the very thing that made me lose it. Warm yellow light fills out my chamber, gives off a safe, familiar feeling. My vision is hazy, my body numb, but my mind is wide awake.

“Uncle.” I remember hearing his voice in my in-between state.

“Jenny!” There are shuffles and hustles as everyone else closes in. Raul, Anne, Raphael—my family of misfits. “How are you feeling?”

“Like being betrayed by my closest confidant.”

“Who, me?” Using his forefinger, he points at himself. “You mean, even closer than all three of them? I am flattered, Jenny.”

“Not the time, Uncle.”

Uncle smiles bitterly. “Straight to the hard part, huh?”

“Uncle, what didn’t you tell me?” Tears fill up my eyes as I stare at the ceiling, bitter and disappointed. And all this time, how could I miss it? Why did it never cross my mind how my parents died?

Uncle sighs as he sits next to me. “It doesn’t matter, Jenny.” But it matters to me! “You’d forget it right away. Your defense mechanism makes sure of it.”

Dissociative amnesia … So it’s that, huh? “But then how can I remember it now?”

“That’s what I want to know, too. How much can you remember?”

“I remember I was ... very little. Like Sherry, I remember mum and dad staring blankly at me, lifeless in bags. I remember a lot of people in black, eyes all judging and scrutinizing me. I remember a tall man kneeling at my feet, and Anne pulling me away from him. I remember you, Uncle ....” I bury my face in his chest.

...Wailing in pain. Burning bridges. Killing parts of yourself. Too many parts.

For me.

I cry and cry, until my head feels heavy and my throat feels dry. Anne has moved to stroke my back and lulled us in soothing humming. I can feel uncle’s quiet sobs slowly come to a stop as well.

“What kind of tyrant would be so heartless to do that? What kind of cause that my parents fought for, to deserve to be killed in cold blood like that?” I start, my voice weak and hoarse.

“A peace offer.” Uncle answers quietly.

“What? Primavara is a pacific kingdom. We would never made enemies on purpose, with the exception of Magnemt ....” My grandfather, the late King Luther, was a Magnemt adopted prince. As he grew up, he found out that his kingdom waged a lot of wars to gain power and left a trail of soulless bodies in its wake. It gradually became too much to bear, as there’s nothing an adopted prince could do to change it. He then decided to renounce his rights as a Magnemt prince and built his own kingdom of his own principle, I’m told. Magnemt has declared us enemies since, and not much has changed over the years ....

Wait. But then, would that mean ....

I turn to Raul. Sitting in a sofa a little too far from us, he looks defeated, shoulders slumped and head hung in shame. I’m sure he feels my gaze, but he won’t return it.

I don’t know what to think. Ugh, who am I kidding? I can’t think.

I drag my gaze back to Uncle Isaac only to meet his grim expression. “Yes. King Maximilian ended Prince Igor and Princess Renee’s lives, sent Larry—the tall man kneeling at your feet—back with their bodies in bags.” How long has it been since I heard my parents’ names? It’s so strange, it’s like listening to some stranger’s story.

“Larry .... Where is he now?” I faintly remember him following my parents around. He must had been dad’s lord-in-waiting.

“First command I made as prince regent was to exile him from Primavara. The second was to ban the likes of him from entering the palace. You must know, Jenny ... I wasn’t always this forgiving. I didn’t just wake up one day and believe that someone’s parents don’t define them. In fact, I was this close to have him hung in front of the palace ground for the entire kingdom to see. I was too close to wreak havoc.”

I can’t blame him. The way I see it, that’s a humane reaction. “What changed it?”

“I’d say who. And you know who.”

I nod. His beacon, the duchess of Privi.

It’s all becoming clear now. How empty the palace was when I was a child, with no one but servants to play with. How Uncle Isaac granted Her Royal Highness July, once a Primavara lady, a duchy, which defied the norm and raised many questions. And while Primavara has never offended Magnemt on purpose, we’ve never made actual efforts to befriend them either.

“Then, should we add Larry to the list? Assuming he’s still alive.”

“That’s ... a long shot, but worth looking into.” said uncle, followed closely by a knock at the door.

Jack bows as he enters. “Your Majesty, the council is here.”

Behind him, Anjum curtsies. “Princess Anne, Sir Raphael, the doctors Hevn are waiting for you in east drawing room.”

Uncle and Anne take turn to hug me, and Raphael pats my shoulder encouragingly before they all make their way out, leaving me only with Raul.

Seconds pass and no one says a thing. The silence is getting unbearable until Raul stands up abruptly.

TBC