Walking, or better, limping away from the entrance of the pub, I found my way to a dark, narrowing road a few meters from the chaos and the drunken people smoking outside, giving myself a break from all of it. I sighed deeply, anxious about being found by Cheng and had to listen to his lecture about reject people properly if I didn't want to engage with them. 

Since what happened back at my workplace he had been very protective and possessive, and I appreciated it because it meant that he cared about me. Still, I wondered if Cheng will feel disgusted about what he clearly saw, and I fear the questions he'll ask. I didn't know why I allowed Liam to kiss me, especially why I didn't push him away and simply walk off the awkward situation. 

He was a stranger, and yet I let him do something so intimate... I met people who wouldn't mind it, but I did. I didn't let everybody touch me or, better, kiss me so easily. I treasured the thought of kissing only the person I loved and wanted to create a future with, not someone who will toss me after use. I didn't want to be played; I wanted to be the one. 

I run a shaky hand over my damp face, making a promise and a reminder to thank Cheng more often for everything that he had done for me, especially staying by my side even in uncomfortable situations... And letting him understand that for that reason, I couldn't lose him over some temporary feelings. Stupid feelings that made me act like a jealous and possessive dumbass over his new friends. Cheng was not my property, and there was nothing to be jealous about. Jeez, we even lived together; what else did I want? 

"Jealous, me?" I chuckled, leaning over the wet bricks with my back, touching my swollen lips. That guy, Liam, had the power to remove Cheng from my thoughts and senses as soon as his body touched mine... Maybe I could use his help to forget those superficial feelings I found out to have for my friend. 

I kept saying superficial and temporary because I saw friends mistakenly think that they were in love with each other but instead... it was nothing. 

Being friends, real friends, in the end, it was like being lovers but without the sex part in it... It meant being connected mentally and spiritually, mind to mind, soul to soul, until the end. The other person becomes the centre of the universe, and the other orbits around it because that's what being real friends means. Staying together when things go wrong, rejoice when things go right, simply being there for each other at any time. 

And Cheng... Cheng became my world. When I was about to do or say something, I always questioned what Cheng would do about it and how he would deal with it, but... it was all about him, and I didn't know where I started anymore.

If Liam wouldn't have approached me tonight, I knew that for the amount of alcohol that I had in my body, I probably would've found Cheng, pushed him into a corner and kissed him as he wanted me to do right in front of everybody. See? Me thinking about him in that way was wrong. That was the result of being with him and only with him for all those months. It was wrong, so it was my responsibility as a friend to push Cheng away, to make him realise that what we had was amazing and that it had to stay that way. No matter if it was thanks to Liam, I finally understood that constantly denying my sexuality wouldn't help me snap out of it or change the outcome. I still had to keep my distance from Cheng... in that way. 

I needed to take it easy on myself: for years, I kept denying and punishing myself for wanting something only because I felt like I didn't deserve anything in this world anymore, not even kindness from people but... I was so done. I made mistakes, and I fell; I fell so hard that I was still bleeding inside. But the bleeding will stop if I started to treat myself like I would like others to treat me. I needed to love and forgive myself and the ones that hurt me to make things right.

I needed to accept my sexuality because that was who I was. Accepting it would help me love the part that I kept cursing and hiding for years, and if I had to do it to be at peace, then so be it. Because the truth was that I enjoyed kissing Liam, and I always felt so flattered and excited when Cheng flirts with me, even if it was a joke for him. The attentions, the remarks, the glances and touches we shared thrilled me... And even though I couldn't accept him, I could accept Liam in the future... maybe. But I had to act now. I had to make things right and get the desired outcome this time because I deserved happiness and love. I was worthy of other people's feelings and attention, and I promise to learn to know myself more from now on. 

Taken from a strange and powerful wave of courage and confidence, I took out the piece of paper from my back pocket and saved Liam's number, texting him right away:

"Hey, it's Chin Mae... 

The guy that had way too many drinks at the bar and shared your break with you. It was nice to meet you, Liam."

I smiled at the device before putting it away and closed my eyes, resting my body under the cold drizzle falling by the darkened sky above me. 

I sighed, relieved for taking some small steps forward, feeling already anxious but happy. 

Still, with my eyes closed, I realised that some hands were holding me up to the wall, and a body stopped me from sliding down on the floor by embracing me in an intimate hug. I shivered without opening my eyes, but the perfume was not of the person I thought it would be.

“Where have you been, baby?” lips pressed violently on mine, and I shot my eyes open “You shouldn’t have run away from me,” he said, caressing my jaw and then pressing his fingers tightly around my throat. Pure terror was soon spread all over my body; my legs shook violently, ready to give up without even fighting.

“Brian-!” I mumbled, taken by a shocking surprise. I glued my hands over his hoping to break free, and I prayed that he was not going berserk that night. 

“Oh, so you remember the name of your boss now.” he laughed, kissing me deeply and caressing my body, “You said you wouldn't call the police, but now my pub is closed, and I've spent all my savings for paying off the maximum fine to get off jail, you damn little bitch!" Brian shouted while trafficking with my belt, unbuttoning my jeans.

“N-no, you're wrong! I didn't call them!” I cried out between my rigid lips; the thought of Cheng calling the police for avenging me crossed my brain but knowing him, he wouldn't let Brian walk off so easily. He wouldn't have stopped by only closing his pub and letting him paying a fine, no matter the amount of it.

“Get away from me and fuck off! I am done with you!” I yelled, hoping that someone would hear me and help me out. I was way too drunk to fight against a guy who looked like a bodybuilder of 190 cm. Yeah, I wouldn’t have a chance even if I wasn't drunk, to be fair.

I collected all my energy and pushed him back enough to step away and run, but, of course, he grasped me back, smacking my forehead against the wall and immobilising my arms behind my back. I moaned and complained, but he didn’t seem to care.

“Don’t tell me what to do; you know I hate it!” he roared, lowering my pants. “Now get what you deserve, bitch. And stick your ass out.” I laughed without containment, a sad, deep laugh that resonated around us. It was so weird that everything seemed to link back at Cheng even in that kind of situation. 

“You guys and your maniacal obsession of being in control of things... Anyway, did you hear what I've said?” I asked, surprisingly finding some determination coming up while resisting and pushing his hands off my body.

“I've said to fuck off!" without thinking about it a second time, I shot my head back, smacking the back of my head onto his face, hoping that he would back up and run away or just collapse on the floor. I was not letting him do what he wanted this time; I would fight even if I were disadvantaged. 

My eyes opened wide but not for the pain created by the hit: something metallic and appealing came up to my nose, making my mouth water. I turned towards him while he quickly recomposed himself, and soon I found myself being knocked out by his fits that seemed to munch my body and face at every hit. 

A high pitch resonated in my ears, so disturbing that the rest of the world appeared to be silenced for a few seconds that were, instead, endless minutes. Closing and opening my eyes many times, Brian caught the back of my sweater before I could collapse on the pavement, then he lifted me so that my thighs were lying on his hips, and then placed my arms around his neck.

Pulling up my sweater and t-shirt, Brian tortured my skin by biting it and sucking every inch available and accessible, sometimes pulling my hair so that he could reach to the place he wanted to grasp or maybe just for the pleasure to hurt me a bit more. I grunted in disgust, slowly waking up from the internal turmoil, and when I was about to try to choke him with my bare hands, he raised his head and looked at me straight into my eyes.

“I really missed you… ” Brian stated as he leaned to kiss my neck for a few seconds, then bit it hard, making me moan from the pain as my body became tenser around his. “After you disappeared, I thought I lost my mind!" he swore while facing me closer, brushing his bloody lips on mine.

"I don't care about the pub or that I don't have any money left... I only needed one more chance to see you again and make you fall for me," he tried to kiss me, but I turned my face on the side, feeling like throwing up.

 Chin Mae, don't you dare cry in front of that bastard.

"But when I saw you tonight, I felt so relieved.” he continued earnestly, caressing the sides of my head and pressing his hot body on mine. He totally lost it, seriously lost it. 

"Brian, let me go..." I forced myself to say without shaking, "I told you that I am not interested; please, let me go." 

"No, I can't! Don't you see how much I love you?! I just need you to realise that, so just wait-" but before I could even reply and fight back, Brian kissed me, forcing his rough tongue between my lips. Something slimy and metallic squirmed inside my mouth with our saliva, and I suddenly felt hot and out of breath. 

Feeling like I was about to choke and pass out, I tried to break free, but Brian pulled me up to his hips a bit more, pressing my body between the wall behind me and himself. I squeezed my hands around his neck and pushed him back to turn my head on the side, allowing the cold air to smooth the fire in my lungs and throat, hoping that the weird shooting pain coming from my teeth would disappear. 

If that was love, then I didn't want to know what it was like to be hated by him.

“Listen, please!” I begged him before he clenched a hand around my neck so that I would let go of mine around his. “Let me go!” Finally, I managed to remove his hands off me, but he didn't seem to listen, tormenting me with his bites on my chest while he worked his hand on my turgid member. It is hard not to feel anything and not react when I basically enjoyed pain while having sex. That bastard turned me into a freak.

“Your body likes me tough...” he whispered aroused next to my ear, letting our lips collide on one another. The blood rolling on his lips kept sliding inside my mouth, but I didn’t understand why I didn’t felt disgusted by it but actually… I found myself wanting it more.

Moaning quietly from the pleasure of his blood on my palate and from the strokes of his hand on me, I wrapped my arms tighter around his shoulders just to lick the blood from his upper lip before it would be lost somewhere else; feeling excited and dazed. 

I didn’t want any of that, so why...? But despite what I thought, my body enjoyed his attention so much that moans found their way out of my wet lips, echoing in the space around us. Then, nearly reaching my climax, I unintentionally scratched Brian's neck with my fingernails when one of my arms lost his grip around him.

Brian hissed from the pain but smiled, looking closely at me. “Why don’t we go into a motel or something?” he asked while caressing the head that he banged just a while ago, making me wince. “I can show you how much I love you", he added, getting closer to kiss me again.

I suddenly burst into a laugh again. That time was a low sour laugh that shook our insides as I laid my forehead against his, secretly enjoying the seductive smirk painted all over Brian's face. “Here will do just fine.” I whispered in his ear, licking the bloody scratch on his neck, “Just fine.”

Without indulging any longer, my body moved forward, biting into his neck with enormous strength. Still, the sensation was not the same as when you bite something to inflict pain… the bite was like... it was like my teeth were going over the skin itself, tearing it apart. What confirmed my perceptions was how Brian started to scream and tried to shake me off him, but my hands were grasping tightly to the side of his head.

“Aagh! W-what the hell are you doing to me?!” he yelled while pushing his arms on my chest, trying to break free. A loud growl erupted from my throat, and I took another bite, more brutal, while sucking up something warm like it was second nature.

What the-

I felt the urge to push him away, but my body wouldn’t listen; I couldn't even think straight as I found myself battling with my thoughts. A part of me wanted to free him, and the other wanted to eat him alive. 

Brian tried to throw some punches on my stomach, but I yanked his body over and over, piercing my nails on the back of his neck and sucking woozily. The liquid ran copiously down my throat, and I felt like coming again even though nobody was touching me.

After a few minutes, his body slowly stopped moving; his weight was entirely over me. Finally, his complaints or shouts quiet down, and the only sound perceived was the sound of some cars darting on the main street and wet, mouthwatering sounds coming from my lips. His arms were swaying over my shoulders, and by seeing his submission, I didn't indulge any longer and bent his head more to one side, making it rest on one of my hands to have had a full range of space to bite his tender neck once again.

“Hey!” I heard someone shouting, “Hey, you two!” I didn't know where that voice was really coming from and how far it was because my brain simply didn't register it. All I could think about was the blood that was flowing in me, feeling like I was finally taking a inhale of fresh air after so long. 

Just as I've been holding my breath for all this time.

"Stop!" someone yelled, and all I could record was Brian’s powerless body being ripped away from me and then... and then I finally saw something that brought me back to reality.

Cheng's terrorised and shocked expression.