It’s infinitely helpful to know what kind of things bring you calm. My mom taught me that, when I was younger.

"For me, Jamie, it’s the smell of church incense. Decaf at the outdoor table with your father every night. Cooking something delicious, then eating it with someone."

My list is different - and evolving, apparently - but one thing that shows up on both hers and mine is caring for growing things.

Even talking to Ellen while I work, explaining what I’m doing and showing her how to do it, too, the day I’ve spent in Raj’s yard feels something like an hours-long meditation.

It’s energetic and fun while Ellen is here, but after Kent picks her up and drops off Aiden, it turns peaceful, slow, balancing. My other fountain of calm sits on the loose earth nearby, watching me work with an affectionate smile on his face. Night falls and deepens around us. It grows cold, and my fingers turn a little clumsy after so much nonstop use, but I decide to keep going until I’m done. I brought lights that I intend to put up when the plants are placed, but for now, I leave them on the ground next to me. A glow for me to see by.

At some point I look up and notice that they are not, in fact, plugged in. A quick glance at Aiden, and I realize that my light is coming from somewhere else.

It’s perfect, working with him nearby, his steady presence grounding me. We’re not even talking, just being together. All the stresses I was fretting over before - the heist, the damaged Ghost Office, work, Will, everything - it all falls aside.

Aiden keeps making me feel like this. Like I have enough, and I’m doing enough, and I am enough. I’m starting to think that human beings as a whole don’t get to experience this feeling nearly as often as they should. It has a physical effect on me, my breathing deep and relaxed, my mind focused and intent. I can only hope that I give a little bit of this sensation back to Aiden, because it feels good.

A lazy, fluttering burst of rain sifts its way down through the darkness. A good sign, for this budding biome I’m constructing. I end up working pretty late, and I keep expecting Aiden to suggest that I take a break, or stop. I thought he might want to go home, or at least go inside, given the chill and the drizzle. But he waits patiently, occasionally reaching over to help hold something in place, or to gently run his knuckles down my spine.

Eventually, he ventures a quiet comment.

“Hard to see in the dark, but it looks kind of - wild, out here?”

“Yes, but I’ve got a system. Everything is going in a very specific place, trust me.”

“How did you decide what plants are going where?”

It’s the perfect question, but Aiden hasn’t realized it, yet. I sit back on my heels and twist to look at him, smiling.

“I’m putting together the ones that will enrich each other’s soil, provide each other the right amount of shade regulation, and offer each other natural support. So...”

He understands all at once. I see it in the expression that rises on his face. “Companion plants.”

“Mhm.”

Aiden moves closer, after that, so he can leave a hand on me while I work. The warmth of his touch seeps through my thin flannel and into my back, which was starting to get sore in the cold. With him there, the rest of the planting goes by much faster.

Now all that’s left to do is hang the lights, but - I think I’ll do that tomorrow. They got a little wet in the rain, and I know that Noah is going to laugh himself to death if I get electrocuted just trying to plug in a string of lights without his help.

I stand back, but it’s hard to see my work in the dark. The reveal is going to have to wait until tomorrow, too.

Aiden gets up and joins me, threading his fingers through mine. I haven’t slept in my own bed for a few days, and I thought I would tonight, but… it’s work, trying to resist the urge to go home with him.

I’m about to ask if it’s cool for me to stay over again, but before I can so much as open my mouth, all the lights in the house flip on, and loud, muffled voices rise up inside. Raj and Noah, back from wherever they’ve been all day and all night. Are they - shouting at each other? It sounds like it. Aiden shoots me a confused look.

The back door comes flying open, spilling out a rectangle of warm light.

Raj steps outside, stumbles, and catches himself on the doorknob. Noah, who is right behind him, grabs a handful of his jacket before he can fall.

“Are you guys okay?” I ask, alarmed, but then Raj looks up with a huge grin on his face.

“Fuck yeah, we’re okay! We’re celebrating! We finished the last fucking thing we need to do for the house today! It’s done, baby! How’s the yard looking, Jamie? Let’s get some light going out here. Noah! Make some light.”

“I can’t just make light!” Noah’s voice is similarly thick with alcohol, though he’s doing a much better job than Raj of staying upright. “That’s not what an electrician is! You’re thinking of Gandalf, bro.”

They both make their unsteady way out of the house. Raj trips again - “Oops! Oh, shit!” - and Aiden moves swiftly to catch his arm. I’m a little concerned about the way these two reek of booze, with Aiden so closeby, but he seems okay, laughing, shaking his head.

Raj is still grinning from ear to ear, but Noah looks - I’m not sure. Kind of like he’s smiling, but it’s not the bright, full-faced, dimpled smile that he normally reserves for wearing around Raj. This one only seems surface-deep, and it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Don’t look yet,” I tell Raj. “It’s not done, I have to put in the lights, and I want you to see it in the sunshine, first!”

“Okay, okay, I’m just stoked!” Raj hiccups. “This whole thing has been such an effort, man, and now it’s all finally coming together, I’m gonna move my girl in next week, I can’t fucking believe it.” He takes my face in one hand, squishing my cheeks. “Thank you for your help, brother!”

“Of course-”

“And Noah!” Raj untangles his arm from Aiden’s grasp. He whips around to face Noah, who blinks in the sudden spotlight of his attention. “Dude. Seriously. What can I say?”

“Don’t say anything.”

“Obviously I’m gonna say something!” Raj takes a step closer, then has to catch himself on Noah’s shoulder. Noah winds an arm around his back, holding him up. “Man, all I asked you to do was give me an idea of how much I should pay for my lights, and here you’ve been ever since, fixing everything, helping me with everything, even when I don’t tell you I need help, and making the whole thing so fucking fun! This shit would have been ten times more expensive, taken ten times as long without you!”

Noah shakes his head, a muscle in his jaw tightening. “Raj, don’t-”

“Don’t? But I have to.” Raj beams at him. “Are you really gonna ask me to not say thank you? You’re helping me build a better life for my girl and my baby, literally! My kid is gonna grow up running around in rooms that you helped make! You’re a fucking stand-up guy, dude.” He slaps Noah’s back. “I love you, man, and I mean that! Je t'aime.”

Noah just blinks at him, suddenly pale and expressionless.

“Okay, Raj.” Aiden takes Raj’s wrist and gives it a pull, shifting his weight off of Noah. “Time to sleep it off, you ridiculous lightweight.”

“Sure, sure, yeah, yep. Already got the bed in the master, I’ll just go up and-” He trips again, but Aiden slips an arm around his torso, keeping him vertical. He mouths something at us, then leads Raj inside, making sure he doesn’t stumble over the step.

Noah sinks down very slowly onto the grass that I just put in. He sits there, half in the light from the house, half in the darkness. I hesitate, then sit down next to him, folding my arms around my knees.

“You alright, man?” I ask cautiously.

“I’m fine.” I can’t see too much of his face, and the portion I can see is all shadowed in the partial light, but I know him well enough by now. Whenever Noah answers with a stiff I’m fine, it means the opposite.

“Traumatized from our accidental phone sex?”

He lets out a sharp, startled laugh.

“Nah, man. You do you. Or - do Aiden, more accurately.”

I laugh, but the break in Noah’s dour expression doesn’t last long.

“You’re, um.”

He glances at me. “What?”

“Different.” I shrug. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but normally, when you’re fucked up, you’re an absolute nightmare to be around. This, how you are right now, it’s… not - terrible?”

Noah sighs, rubbing a tattooed hand over his forehead, then down his face.

“You remember that party that Angie threw, right after Aiden moved back?”

“Vividly, yes.”

“Aiden and I had, um. A talk. About the way I behaved at that party. He took it up with me right after I started hanging out with you guys.”

I tip my head to the side, surprised. Aiden didn’t tell me about this. When I think of that night, my mind tends to linger on the way that Aiden kept weaving through the crowd to find me. The long chat we ended up having in the hallway, the way we kept gravitating back together when other people pulled us apart. The walk home, and the hushed, 3 AM conversation we had, standing outside of Kent’s house for hours without realizing.

Jesus Christ, I should have known right then. Hindsight, I guess.

But other stuff happened that night. For example: Noah, Grant, and Ralph, all working as a team to try and force a drink into Aiden’s hand and down his throat, no matter how many times he insisted he didn’t want one.

“You and Aiden had a talk.”

“Yeah, he…” Noah cringes. “Told me about what I did. Honestly, I barely even remember that party, but - it sounds like I was being a total asshole, and… I’m trying to figure out the balance, now. I'm not trying to quit drinking, but I don’t want to wake up the next morning regretting all the shit I said and did.” Noah shrugs. “So. Yeah, I didn’t go crazy at the bar tonight. Probably drank like, half of what I normally would.”

I stare at him for a good long minute.

“Wow, Noah. Who even are you?”

“I don’t fucking know, man, I’m trying to figure that out, too!” His voice starts to rise in volume, but he realizes what he’s doing, and lowers it again. “Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” I hastily explain. “It’s just - a surprise, to hear you talk like this. A good surprise, if I’m not being clear. That’s a difficult pivot to make. It’s nice that you’re even trying.”

“Aiden said-” Noah fidgets with the sleeve of his faded bomber jacket. “He said that… the thing he wishes he’d learned sooner, is that whatever decisions you’ve made before, you can always start making new ones, right now.”

Oh, Aiden. I want to run upstairs and give him a hug.

“He’s right about that, Noah. Is that why you seem upset? Because you feel bad about the party?”

“No. I mean - I do feel bad about it, but Aiden accepted my apology, and he said the best thing now was to let it go, not do it again.”

“So…?”

“It’s nothing, man.” Noah falls silent. I get the sense that he’s working through a thought, so I wait. “It’s just-” His voice is suddenly raspy, strained. “The house is done.”

I glance back at it, quirking an eyebrow. “Yeah…?”

“So like…” Noah bites his lip, then bursts. “Now Raj doesn’t need me anymore, and even if he did, the baby is gonna be here so soon, and then he’s not going to have time for me, if he even wants more time with me. And that’s fine, I always knew that was coming, and that’s how it should be, like of course he should spend all his time with his baby and his girl, he’s gonna be such a good dad, I know that, too, and I’m-” Noah draws in a quick, stuttering inhale. “I’m happy for him, I’m really happy for him, honestly, I am. Raj - deserves everything he wants, and this is what he wants, I just - wish that he still needed me. If not for the house, then for - whatever. I don’t care. Anything.”

I know that he’s got a few drinks in him. Regardless, I am lowkey shocked that Noah would share all this with me. He runs a hand under his nose, then drops his face to his knees. I debate with myself for a minute, then rest a hand on his back. I expect him to object to this, but he doesn’t.

“Noah… people want you around even if they don’t need something from you. You know that, right?” He doesn’t answer, doesn’t even lift his head. “You’re not a means to an end. You’re a person, and people care about you - especially Raj, you guys clearly love each other-”

Noah snaps upright to glare at me.

“Whoa, man. He said that. I didn’t - I didn’t say shit. Don’t go putting words in my fucking mouth.”

“Noah. Raj is not Ralph. It’s not a bad thing that you guys are attached to each other, which, I’m sorry, but you obviously are. Trust your inner voice. What is it telling you?”

“It’s - telling me - I don’t fucking know.” Noah turns his face away. “All kinds of stuff that doesn’t make sense.”

“Does it not make sense, or do you just not want to hear it?”

“I-” He breaks off, staring at me. “How am I supposed to know the difference?”

I look back at him, wishing I had a good, clear, answer, but - I know that it isn’t easy.

“When is Raj’s fiancée - have you met her yet, by the way?”

“No. Raj wants me there when he shows her the house, but I told him no. Don’t want to intrude on the moment. That would be weird. She doesn’t even know about me, he just tells her he’s with friends. We don’t want her to catch onto the surprise, and it's hard to explain about me without explaining about the house. He would have to lie about how he met me, where I live, what we're doing together, all of that.”

“When's the big reveal?”

"Next Wednesday."

“So - is that when you're moving out?”

Noah pulls up a few pieces of the brand-new grass. “Day before, probably. Haven’t asked Raj when he wants me out by, yet.”

“Do you have a new place lined up?”

“No. Been - putting that off, I guess.”

“You want to come stay with me till you get it sorted? I can make some space by Wednesday.”

He nods slowly. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks.”

“It’s no problem, but - look, Noah, if you think that Raj won’t need you anymore when he has a baby, you’re so wrong. His life is going to get ridiculously crazy, and he’ll need all the support he can get. Him and his fiancée, both. When is he going to introduce you two?”

“Right after the reveal. So. Also Wednesday.”

“Sounds like Wednesday is going to be interesting.”

“Yeah.” His fingers sink into the grass. “Yeah.”

“The point is, Noah…” I poke his ribs, and he looks over at me. “You don’t always need to be needed. You’re wanted. But in this case, I’d say it’s both. Honestly.”

Noah’s slate-grey eyes are unblinking, and I can see his thoughts swimming around in them like storm clouds. He glances away, then starts gathering his hair back into a bun.

“Whatever.”

“Hey, maybe you and Raj’s fiancée will end up really getting along. Maybe she’ll end up being just as crazy about you as Raj is.”

Noah lets out a snort.

“Yeah, okay. Sounds likely.”

We sit together in silence for a moment, in the little habitat I just finished building.

All around us, growing things quietly start to take root.