There were so many loud noises. Death wasn’t supposed to be like that, it was supposed to be silent and peaceful. But it wasn’t. Everything was chaos and Dashiell couldn’t escape it, because he was surrounded by the darkness. He was stuck there because death was permanent and he would be caught in this noise and chaos forever. Maybe it was his punishment for everything he’d done. For how ruined he was inside.
“Dashiell?” The voice sounded so far away and yet so close. He didn’t recognize it. “Dashiell?” It was so soft and calming in all the chaos. He wanted the voice to keep whispering his name since it made all the darkness go away. A light began to grow and it was swallowing him whole, bringing a little smile back on his lips. That was what he wanted death to be. Bright and calming.
“Dashiell open your eyes!” The voice ordered, but he couldn’t. He was dead and there was nothing left to see. He felt a touch on his shoulder and tried to twist away from it. He wasn’t supposed to feel anything. A sudden wave of pain and panic rushed over him. No! No. Please let me go! He tried to shut everything out again. To ignore the real world, but he couldn’t. “Open your eyes, please.” The voice was still too far away to recognize. His head was hurting and his hands and wrists were burning. He wanted to scream. To make it all go away again. He wanted to hit and kick whoever it was that brought him back. He didn’t want to be back. He didn’t want this life anymore.
“Don’t.” He tried to say, but he wasn’t even sure if it came out as words or just sounds. His own voice sounded foreign to him as he tried to speak. He wanted to beg them to let him go. To let him give in and find peace so he wouldn't have to feel anything ever again.
“Open your eyes, Dashiell.” But he didn’t want to. He kept them closed and fought to pull himself back into the nothingness. It didn't work. He was panicking and his heart was beating fiercely in his chest. No, stop beating... please, stop beating! I don't want this!
“It’s my fault,” Dashiell whispered. “Let me go! It was my fault!” He could feel hands on his body and it only made him panic more. “I killed him! I killed him!” Feeling his own heart speed up and the hands on his body made it all too real. He wasn't dead and they were not going to let him go. Why couldn't you just let me die? Why would you force me to live?
“Dashiell open your eyes, please.” The voice was getting closer and stronger. It wasn't calm anymore. Maybe it never was. There was sadness in it... and fear. Dashiell tried to connect the voice to a face, but it was still too far away to recognize.
“I killed him!” Dashiell repeated, again and again, and again. “I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.” It was burning behind his eyes and he could feel a few tears roll down his cheeks, tickling his skin. He tried to move his hand to clean them away, but his body was still numb. He wasn't sobbing, simply because he didn't have the strength to do so. It was only a few tears.
Someone pressed a hand against his chest. “Open your eyes. It’s going to be okay.” The voice was so calming again, and this time he obeyed. The room came into view. Everything was spinning and blurry and he felt like he was about to throw up as nausea made his stomach turn. He looked at the person next to him, and it made his heart stop and his eyes widen.
“No!” He tried to scream, but it came out as another whisper. He looked into Isandros' the dark eyes. No, no, no! Isandros would only bring him back so he could kill him himself. Dashiell wanted to be the one to decide when to die. He wanted it to be over so he would have to go through the pain again. How could anyone hate him enough to bring him back, just to have him killed in a more brutal way?
“I’m not going to hurt you. Just breathe.” Isandros said. His voice was calm and soothing, but it didn’t feel right. His eyes were not filled with anger, but concern. Isandros shouldn’t be this way, he was evil and cold… he shouldn’t care. He was going to kill him... not care about him.
“You-” Dashiell tried to move away from him, but his body felt numb. “-you killed him. You sonofabitch, you killed him!” His voice was louder now. It wasn't a scream, but it would've been if he'd been strong enough.
“He didn’t kill me.” Averet! He walked up behind his prince with a wetted towel in his hands. He kneeled down next to the bed and pressed it against Dashiell’s forehead. “Everything is going to be okay. Just relax.” He couldn’t believe his own eyes. Isandros had once promised to hurt those he cared about if he didn’t submit. Averet should’ve been dead, or hurt. But he looked fine. Worried, but fine.
“But… you were gone for so long,” Dashiell mumbled. “For hours.”
“And he spent all those hours yelling at me,” Isandros said with a smile. “He had a lot of things to say.” Dashiell looked between them, confused with what was happening. You’re dead… this isn’t real, a voice inside his head kept whispering. This couldn’t be real. There was no way in hell that Isandros would allow Averet to yell at him without punishing him, especially not after Dashiell had done the same. Averet was kneeling next to him with a little sad smile on his lips. We’re both dead! That’s why he’s here with me. None of this is real! But that didn’t explain why Isandros was there too. And it didn’t explain why his hands and wrists were hurting.
“Why are you being kind? What do you want from me? I’m already doing everything you asked me to.”
“I don’t want anything else from you,” Isandros said. “I apologized to you because I meant it.”
“But those things I said... You should’ve punished me for it.” Dashiell said.
“No, I deserved it.” He looked down at his hands “All of it.”
“Averet-” Dashiell whispered, tears running down his cheeks “-I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d never see you again.” Averet touched his cheek softly and removed the tears. Isandros looked at them with an expression even Dashiell could read. I’m sorry I made you believe that I would hurt him. There was so much regret in those dark eyes.
“And that was reason enough for you to try to commit suicide?” He asked disappointed. ‘’How could you do something like that?’’
“I’m sorry!” Dashiell cried. “I’m sorry! I just couldn’t take anymore.”
“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay again.” Isandros said. “I will not hurt you, or Averet. You have my word.” Dashiell stared at him. He didn’t want him there. He wanted him to go away. To leave them alone and never come back. He wanted Averet to lay down beside him and hold him so he could fall asleep to the sound of his beating heart.
“I don’t want you here.” He mumbled as he closed his eyes, and Isandros sighed next to him.
“Barret will be awaiting you tomorrow,” Isandros said before he stood up. Dashiell clenched his eyes shut even harder. He couldn't do it. He couldn't have sex with him while being such a mess.
“Your highness-” Averet got up and was about to protest, but Isandros held his hand up, which made Averet close his mouth.
“We will tell him, that you are with another client and that you won’t be back before next week.” Dashiell opened his eyes and looked at him.
“Why?” He asked, but Isandros didn’t answer. He just smiled at him before leaving the room. There would have to be a catch to it. Isandros didn't do things out of the kindness of his heart. He wanted something, and Dashiell didn't want to know what it was.
“Move a bit,” Averet said and Dashiell obeyed. Averet laid down next to him and pulled him closer. Dashiell tightened his fist in Averet’s shirt as he buried his face in his neck, breathing him in, feeling him, and welcomed the warmth of his body against him. He never thought he’d be able to do that again. There was nothing as calm as Averet’s scent, warmth, and the sound of his beating heart.
“Who found me?” Dashiell whispered against his skin.
“Isandros did,” Averet said as he stroked Dashiell’s back. “I had gone for a walk. I needed air after all of this, and he went up to see you. I didn’t know that he would do that. If I had known I’d come straight back for you. But he found you and fought to stop the bleedings until help arrived.” Dashiell looked at him.
“He only did that because he couldn’t risk losing his whore.” He sighed
“Stop calling yourself that!” Averet said angrily and tightened his grip on him “Don’t talk yourself down all the time. That’s not your identity. It’s something you do because you don’t have a fucking choice. You are more than that and you need to realize it so you can move on, okay?” He pressed a kiss to Dashiell’s forehead “And he saved you because he meant what he said. He meant it when he apologized to you.”
“I don’t trust him,” Dashiell mumbled.
“I know, and you don’t have to… But I do and he doesn’t want anything to happen to you anymore, okay? He knows that I care about you and that he’ll lose my respect if he hurts you again.” Dashiell nudged himself closer to him and closed his eyes.
“I wished we could be more than just this.” He whispered.
“Me too.” He whispered into his hair. “But we can’t. I can’t”
“I know.” Dashiell said with a little smile “But we can still have this… and it’s good enough.”
He knew Averet was smiling which made his heart beat faster. He was beginning to fall in love with him and he knew he had to stop himself, but he needed it. He needed to feel something like this, even if it was going to break his heart in the end.
“I think so too.” He said. “You are going to find someone someday who’ll give you everything I can’t… And you are going to enjoy it because you deserve it.”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.” Dashiell whispered, “I’m not exactly the ideal boyfriend.”
“Yes, you are.” Averet said with a little laugh “You are going to be such an adorable and caring boyfriend!”
“What am I to you?”
“Someone I’m willing to fight for.” Averet said, “It’s weird since I haven’t known you for that long, but I think two broken souls make up one whole.”
“That was really poetic. Did you read that somewhere?” Dashiell chuckled
“Idiot,” Averet mumbled.
“I think you’re right though. You came into my life when I needed you the most.”
“So did you”
Dashiell didn’t answer. He just closed his eyes and fell asleep with a little smile on his lips.
Even though he was happy when he fell asleep, his dreams were still haunting him, pulling him deep into a black hole where he couldn’t find his way out.
He was back in the room where the cross was standing in the middle, only this time it wasn’t him who was tied to it. It was Averet, and Dashiell stood behind him with the whip in his hands. He wasn’t in control of his own body. He tried to fight himself, to hold himself back, but he couldn’t. He was just looking out through his own eyes as he was letting the lashes rain down over Averet’s already scared back. He felt the tears streaming down his cheeks, but he could stop. He kept hearing Isandros’ voice, “Again. Again. Again” and Dashiell would swing the whip every time. Averet was screaming, begging him to stop. “I want to.” Dashiell cried as he kept fighting against himself. “Please stop!” Averet screamed as another lash hit his back. “Please Dashiell, don’t hurt me.” “I’m sorry.” Dashiell sobbed as he kept hitting him. Averet’s body went slack, but he didn’t stop begging “Please Dashiell, stop… Why do you want to hurt me!” “I don’t. I don’t want to hurt you.” “You already did,” Isandros said. “Everything is your fault. You killed him. You killed Erat. You were selfish. You did this.” He looked at Averet one more time. He was hanging from the cross, not breathing. He looked next to him, where he saw Erat. Dashiell went over to him with a knife in his hand. “Don’t.” Erat pleaded. Holding his hands up to protect himself. “I tried to protect you. Why are you doing this?” Dashiell couldn’t even answer as he slowly pierced Erat’s heart. He saw how the light behind Erat’s eyes slowly faded. He killed them.
He woke up with a shock, his chest rose and fell rapidly with each breath. He tried to calm himself down. His head was spinning and tears began to fill his eyes. He'd never cried as much as he did now, and it was frustrating him. He couldn’t get the image of Averet’s slack body, and how the light disappeared from Erat’s eyes, out of his head. He rubbed his eyes hard to stop the burning, but it wasn’t helping.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Averet whispered tiredly from behind him. He sat op and put a hand on Dashiell’s shoulder. Dashiell looked into the beautiful blue eyes and threw himself at him, hugging him while pressing his face into the crook of his neck.
“Don’t ever die.” He sobbed as he tightened the grip even more. “Don’t ever leave me.”
“I won’t. Just try to calm down, okay?” He whispered. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“I killed you.” He cried “In my dream. I whipped you until you died and then I stabbed Erat. I killed you and you were begging me to stop, but I couldn’t.”
“It was just a dream, okay?” He was stroking his back slowly. “We both know that you’d never hurt us.”
“It felt so real.”
“But it wasn’t. And nothing is going to happen. As soon as all of this is over you’ll be free.”
“I don’t feel like I’ll ever be free.” He mumbled. Averet pulled him back down and made him rest his head against his chest.
“You will. I promise you.” He took Dashiell’s hand and entwined their fingers. “Try to get some sleep again, okay? I’m right here with you. I’m not leaving your side.”
He nodded and closed his eyes, focusing only on the beating of Averet’s heart. It’s still beating! He’s here. I didn’t kill him!
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