The next two weeks were a roller-coaster of ups and downs. Dashiell was doing his best to fight the depression he in, trying to hide it behind his big smiles and weird jokes, but neither Averet nor Erat was buying it. They knew he wasn’t okay and they both did what they could to make him open up about it, but he refused. He didn’t want to talk about all the bad things anymore. He wanted to move on and focus on his end goal, his freedom.
The first week he’d spent relaxing, gaining his strength again.
His wrists were healing fast thanks to the ointment Averet made him use. Averet and Erat would force him outside for long walks all the time to make sure he wouldn’t get lost in his own head again. Averet would stay with him every night, holding him close every time Dashiell woke from one of his nightmares. It made Dashiell feel secure and calm not to be alone all the time.
The second week he was back in the training area with Anselet, who pushed him more than before. Dashiell appreciated it because it made him so tired that he couldn’t think afterward.
Isandros was often watching him while he was training, which made Dashiell feel really uncomfortable, but he ignored it and focused on what Anselet was saying.
He would have to go back to the brothel soon, but he wasn’t dreading it as much anymore. Just as he wasn’t dreading the training. He just wanted it to be over with so he could go back to his room and spend his night with Averet.
“Okay, I think you’re ready to train some swordplay now,” Averet said with a smile, but Dashiell looked at him with terrified big eyes.
“No!” He yelped “Not happening! I’ll end up hurting someone or cutting my own arm off or something.” Averet laughed and laid an arm around his shoulders, but Dashiell was dead serious. He was a clumsy idiot without a sword, so it wouldn’t get any more recurring with one.
“You won’t be given a real one yet.” He said, “I wouldn’t trust you with that either.”
“Oh, shut up.” He mumbled and pushed Averet away. He was in good shape, but he was no way near ready to fight with a sword. He even still sucked at fighting without it. Anselet came over carrying two wooden swords. Dashiell felt his cheeks go red by the sight of it. He knew that those mostly were meant for children, but he was a hopeless case so they had to make sure he wouldn’t end up hurting himself. Anselet handed him one and Dashiell just looked at it for a moment.
“What?” Averet said, “It’s not going to bite you.”
“I don’t even know how to hold it.” He mumbled, “I really don’t think this is a good idea… maybe you could just teach me to strangle people or something instead.”
“Strangle people?” Anselet repeated with a laugh. “You know that it takes a lot more effort than you think, right? You’d probably end up fucking it up somehow.”
“Shut up,” Dashiell mumbled. “Let’s just get the humiliation over with!”
It turned out that Dashiell wasn’t as bad as he had feared. He lost all the time of course, but at least he looked good while doing it.
Averet started slow and Anselet would stand behind Dashiell, guiding him through it.
He liked it. He liked the feeling of being dangerous, and one day he’d be able to defend himself. He would be able to walk into a fight and hopefully win it.
He was proud every time Anselet and Averet told him that he was doing a good job.
They stopped the training as they saw Isandros walking towards them. Dashiell had a hard time controlling his emotions whenever he saw him. He wanted to yell at him, he wanted to cry and be scared when he looked him in the eyes, but most of all, he wanted to beat that stupid smile off his face. “Your highness.” Averet and Anselet said in unison as they knelt. Dashiell still refused to show him that kind of respect, so he just crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow at him.
“How are you feeling?” He asked, looking at Dashiell.
“Fine.” He said laconic, holding Isandros gaze. Why is he like that! Why does he have to look happy to see me?
“good.” He said with a little smile on his lips “I’m glad to hear that.”
“What do you want?” He sneered annoyed. He didn’t have time for this shit right now. He’d had so much fun with this session and Isandros would not be allowed to ruin the day for him.
“I’ve been told that you’ll go back to meet with Barret tomorrow.” He said. Averet opened his mouth to protest, but Isandros continued before he could say anything. “I wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t go back until you feel ready yourself… The things you’d been through…” He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Dashiell interrupted him.
“You mean, the things you put me through.” He hissed.
“Yes,” Isandros looked down at the ground to avoid Dashiell’s gaze. Did I just win this staredown? “I just… Don’t go back until you’re ready.”
“I’ll be fine! The quicker I go back, the quicker I’ll be free from this deal!”
“Right,” Isandros said a little quietly. Dashiell knew that tone too well. He used it himself all the time: sadness and pain. Isandros wasn’t feeling well, but Dashiell couldn’t find it in him to care.
“Was that all?” Dashiell said in a cold voice “I have other things to do right now!”
“Yes!” Isandros said. ‘’Anselet, meet me at my quarters in half an hour.’’ He turned and walked away from them without sparing any of them a second look.
Dashiell let out a deep breath and looked and Averet and Anselet, who was staring back at him with big eyes.
“What the fuck just happened,” Anselet said looking confused. There was again something in his eyes that Dashiell couldn’t read, but he didn’t like it. He wanted to ask, but he didn’t.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Shall we continue?” Dashiell said annoyed.
“Are you absolutely out of your mind?” Averet yelled as he grabbed Dashiell’s arm and began pulling him back towards the castle. “I know you hate him… But you can’t talk to him like that!”
“Why? I’m not interested in his concern.” Dashiell shrugged pulling his arm free from Averet’s grip.
“He is trying to be kind to you. If you keep provoking him like that you might push him over the edge again.” Dashiell shook his head and tried to leave, but Averet just grabbed his shirt and slammed him hard against the stonewall. “You need to stop.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.” Dashiell was getting angry as he pushed Averet away from him, causing him to take a few stumbling steps back.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Averet said
“Maybe I’m just sick of all this shit!” Dashiell yelled “I’m sick of everyone treating me like I’m made of fucking glass! I’m sick of you always watching over me, never leaving me the fuck alone. I’m sick of being forced to fuck someone I don’t give a shit about.” His breathing quickened and he clenched his hands into fists. “I’m sick of being stuck in this shithole! I want this to be done so I can get as far away from all of this, and all of you as soon possible… and if you just have a little bit of brain function left, you’d do the same!” Averet looked shocked and Dashiell could see that he had hurt him, but he couldn’t stop himself. “You always think you’re so much better than me! That you are the strong one who always has to pick me up every time I fuck something up! But guess what! You are like me… You are nothing but a fucking whore too!”
“Who are you?” Averet asked in a disappointed and low voice as he turned his back to him and walked away. Dashiell just stood there and stared after him as he disappeared out of view. He didn’t know what just happened. Something inside of him just snapped. He had so many frustrations inside, and he needed to get them out. He needed to feel like the strong one for once, but it wasn’t fair to take it out on the only person in this world who’d sacrifice everything for him.
He went back to his room and threw himself onto the bed. He half expected Averet to come and check upon him, but he didn’t. He knew he shouldn’t have been so mean to him since he only tried to protect him, but he was tired of being the person, who needed protection from everything.
His body was shaking with a mixture of anger and sadness, and he felt like he was about to burst out of his own skin. There were so many feelings inside of him that just wanted to get out, but he kept pushing them away. He wasn’t about to have a breakdown. Not now. Not after everything, he’d survived already.
“Who are you?” That disappointed and painful look in Averet’s eyes hurt even more that lashes that had rained down over his back. He wanted to take those last words back because he didn’t mean them. Averet wasn’t like him at all, he was better. He’d gotten his life under control; he’d worked hard to get to where he was now. He’d done so much more than Dashiell could ever dream of accomplishing. They were nothing like each other.
He desperately wanted to find him and apologize for what he said, but he knew that Averet didn’t want to see him yet.
“You are the biggest fucking idiot!” Dashiell said to himself before turning around on his side, pulling the blanket over his head and closing his eyes.
It was the first time in a long time that he’d woken up alone. His room was empty and there was no sign of Averet anywhere. He wanted Averet beside him so he could hug him and tell him how sorry he was. His friend deserved that.
The sun wasn’t up yet, which meant it was in the middle of the night. Dashiell wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, so he decided to get up and take a nice long bath. He had to meet up with Barret later so he needed to be as clean as possible. He wondered if Barret would notice the marks on his wrists, and he needed to come up with some kind of lie to explain to them since he wasn’t keen on admitting that he’d tried to end his own life. He was embarrassed about it and he just didn’t want to see the pity in Barret’s eyes. He didn’t want to talk about it with anyone… except for Averet. He always wanted to talk to him about everything.
He stayed in the bath until the water turned cold. Then he got dressed and walked back into his room where Erat was sitting, looking rather unsatisfied with him. His arms were crossed over his chest and he looked like someone who was ready to kick his ass.
“You really are an asshole… you know, that right?” Erat said
“Yes,” Dashiell mumbled, avoiding his gaze.
“I don’t know what you said to him exactly, but it hurt! Averet has done nothing but fight for you, and that’s how you thank him?”
“I know, okay? it was wrong, and I didn’t mean what I said.” He yelled “I don’t know why I went off like that! I just… I don’t feel like myself anymore.” He sat down on his bed and hid his face behind his hands. “I’m just not… I’m not okay!”
“I would never have guessed.” Erat sighed and stood up. He was angry and Dashiell didn’t blame him.
“I know he doesn’t want to see me, but please just tell him that I’m sorry,” Dashiell whispered. He half expected Erat to walk out of the room and slam the door, but instead, he walked over and sat down next to him.
“I know that you’re not okay. I know you are trying to act like everything is fine… that you’re fine, but you’re not.” He took Dashiell’s hand and turned it around to look at his wrist. “You wanted to die.” He said “You really wanted to die! Or else you wouldn’t have done that.” Erat traced his thumb over the sore wound. He looked tired. Looking out for Dashiell all the time was hard on everyone.
“I thought he was dead,” Dashiell whispered
“That not the only reason you did it.” Erat kept tracing his fingers over the marks. “You did it because of what your parents did to you. You did it because of the things you had to do to survive. You did it because of what Eudon did to you, because of what we did to you. You are just a person and there’s only so much pain a person can go through before breaking. I wouldn’t be able to still be standing if I had had your life, and I know there are still so many things inside of you that you haven’t even told us about.” Dashiell couldn’t hold his tears back anymore. He wasn’t sobbing. The tears just fell down his cheeks. Erat pulled him into a hug and Dashiell let him. “I’m not nearly as good at this stuff as Averet is. But I want you to wake up, and if you won’t listen to me, or Averet for that matter, then listen to yourself.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” Dashiell whispered. “I don’t know how to move on. Every time I try, something bad happens.”
“That’s why we are here for you. To make sure that nothing else happens, but we can’t do that if you push us away. I know you think that we treat you as if you were made of glass, but that’s not true… We treat you as a person who needs someone he can trust. We treat you the same way we treat each other when we feel down.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Averet will get over it sooner or later. Again, I don’t know what you said, but it really hurt him. Just give him some time.”
“I still feel like an asshole,” Dashiell mumbled with a little laugh. He wiped the tears off his cheeks and pulled away.
“Because you are an asshole! But we still like you.” He said with a smile and stood up. “Give him time and try to listen to yourself, okay?”
“Okay,” Dashiell said. Erat smiled one last time before leaving the room.
Dashiell took a deep breath and walked out onto the balcony. He felt like there was a knot in his heart that had been untied and he allowed the calmness to consume him for just a little while.
He looked forward to getting today over with so he could come back and hopefully talk to Averet. He hoped that Averet would come and see him before he had to leave, to assure Dashiell that everything was going to be fine. But as he was about to leave Averet wasn’t anywhere to be found. He would have to go through this day by himself, with no reassuring words from his closest friend.
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