You know when you finally make a decision on something that has been bugging you? That one itch in the back of your mind that you think about multiple times a day, until finally, FINALLY you finally feel ready to confront it?

And for a good second there, you feel this sense of satisfaction, like “this is good, I’m getting myself together, this is how I want to be... yep, doing great…”

...and then the universe decides, “Ha! Yeah, that thing you think YOU made happen? That was going to happen no matter what. You ain’t in control B*tch,” and backhands you into reality.

My point is, the minute I open my mouth about to tell my girlfriend that I’m done, ready to say that I’m not some pushover who’s fine with her openly bringing another dude to the relationship and never fricking talking to me--Marcela beats me to it.

“We’re dating.” She says flatly, barely jerking her head back towards Hunter, features blank and so cold that I can feel my insides clench like water was thrown on me.

I close my mouth.

I can’t...I can’t believe how unapologetic that was.

I’m stunned to say the least.

Marcela didn’t seem like the type of girl to two-time someone. I guess she has always been upfront though. She’s the kind to let you know immediately what she doesn’t like. And of course I liked that because i’m the same way. The lights flicker and I look at Marcella’s face, not sure why. Maybe just for a reaction. Anything. I thought I kind of knew this girl...but who the hell is this b*tch?

“ The whole time?” I ask quietly. I’m not so much sad as I am... strangely upset?

We hadn’t dated that long, and yeah I had liked her, we had some good times, but that’s nothing compared to feeling this...dumb?

Marcela sighs in that annoying ‘i have better things to do than explain’ way of hers that everyone knows is rude as hell and now I’m starting to get my temper back. The little voice in my head is fuming (who does she think she is acting like I’m the one causing problems!Like it’s MY fault she cheated!?) but I try to quiet it down to listen to Marcella.

“Yeah, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” She says huffily while slightly slouching onto one side and sticking her left hip out, arms crossed like the very picture of an emo teen trying to prove that they’re edgy.

“ Ha! You don’t think CHEATING is a big deal?” I find that my left hand has curled my fingers deeply into my hair; it’s a habit I have yet to kick and find myself doing when I’m at a loss for words like I am now. I know my hair is gelled and my hands will be sticky now and that’s only adding to my frustration.

“So all those times I’d asked, or when you said you’d tell him...why!? You knew I was trying to trust you and you still just led me on!” I try to wipe some hair gel on a napkin but I already know it’s futile because I’m going to go back to pulling my hair out. This is a hair-pull-out situation.

Marcella apparently has some humility because she tucks her head the tiniest bit lower and glances off to a side of the floor. “I was waiting till I knew you would be cool with it.”

“Excuse me?” I deadpan.

It’s just so ridiculously stupid that it stuns me. I mean, what are you supposed to do in this situation? ‘Oh yeah sure thanks for being honest with me after lying for a week, I’m cool with you dating other dudes.’ I could get angry but I’m not violent and no relationship should come to that, I’m also not that angry for myself because we haven’t even been dating long and I mean I’m seconds away from dumping her. I’m upset, duh. This is embarrassing that it took me so long. That she dragged me around. Yeah, I liked her. We have the same interests (usually) and she’s easy to talk to (usually). Doesn’t change the fact that she lied.

“Look,” Marcella tucks a strand of long silky black hair behind a tiny ear (obviously trying to look cute again) “I still like you just as much as before but I’ve … grown fond of Hunter. I thought maybe you would be open to me dating you both at the same time-”

“I’m not,” I cut in firmly, and Marcella raises a placating hand.

“I know you’re not, I was just going to test the water later when you and Hunter might start getting along-”

“We won’t-!” I’m quick to reply, because, how? How does she expect us to get along? To get along!? When here I was blaming HIM when I should’ve been...I start to feel a little shadowy ball of self loathing and pure done-ness spreading in my chest. It’s cold and clingy, starting to seep through like a break-up venom. I’m tired. I’m upset. This doesn’t feel right, how come I have to be the sad one when I didn’t…

I didn’t do anything wrong.

Just like that, the fight flies out of me. “Ugh, it doesn’t even matter,” I sigh, pressing the palm of my fist to the growing pain in my forehead. “We’re done, right? It’s over, get the fuck out of my life and stay out. Bye.” Good-f*cking-Bye b*tch.

I admit this feels badass, and it kind of overwrites the sadness, even though I know the hurt will be back tonight. Still, each step I make towards the door feels powerful.

Then right before I reach the door, in a split second, I feel embarrassed. It wasn’t this guy’s fault and I’ve been blaming him and making him the bad guy. He’s just a nerd.

Should I tell him? I should, right?

Then I realize...did he know? What if he was okay with it? Did he know I didn’t know?

Has he known this whole time…?

“Jordan, you okay man?” In the time I’ve been pausing at the door mentally questioning him, Hunter has apparently decided to turn into a Mother Hen again (seriously, i’ve only met this guy 4 times but that worried voice just annoys the hell out of me)

I turn my head and close my eyes tight, taking a quick breath all to try and calm the hell down and not lose my sh*t in my favourite diner. When I spin towards the table of doom, I almost bump into an annoyed family that was also trying to leave and at this point...bllaaarghfgh Do I care? Do I not? What are emotions? Pesky things.

There’s this little girl though, and while her family just glared at me and walked on, she stopped, stared at me with those weird *WhoKnowsWhataChildisThinking* eyes that bore into you and scare you to death. Then she just solemnly nods and pats my hand before joining her family. It feels like she’s just given me some dangerous quest and it’s small and stupid...but I feel better?

Better enough to go the hell back to that table and……..

That girl forgot the instructions to the quest. F*ck

I really don’t want to be here. Really. Someone, please. Put me out of my misery. All I want to do is go home and...I don’t know. Something. I do know that I do NOT want to be here with my newly Ex-girlfriend and my early replacement.

My current mission I assigned myself: Finish my drink and leave soon

The only thing that I think could make me feel better is if Marcella is feeling the same awkwardness I am, but of course one look at her and I find her sipping on her tea and scrolling her phone looking fine as wine.

I consider telling Hunter about Marcella but I’ve already tried a few hints (slipping my arm around her, sticking close (mainly to gauge his reaction)) and nothing. Completely unaffected and still devoted.

I’ve watched him bring flowers (she wasn’t thrilled but they were beautiful and somehow I still have them in a pickle jar cause who throws out good flowers?), give her his scarf (even when his ears were turning red and Marcella was already dressed warm enough---idiot) and basically follow her around like a puppy. So how likely is it he’ll believe me?

Yeah, I’m not dealing with that drama. He can find out on his own if he has too. Probably won’t though.

Drink completion: 60%

“So, Jordan,” Hunter seems to have finally pried his eyes away from Marcella’s side profile, and unfortunately has taken interest in me, “how did you and Marcy become friends?”

I would be lying if I said recounting your first meeting with your brand new Ex in front of said ex with new BF didn’t sting but it was slightly nice to hear the word “Friend”

At least that meant Hunter wasn’t aware of all this sh*t. Not that he seems observant of anything other than Marcella…

“The Gym,” I quickly grind out, sipping on my drink quicker.

Drink completion: 80%

“Oh!” Hunter lights up a bit, like he’s genuinely interested “your arms do look kinda bulky” I almost preen a bit at the kinda compliment but whatever sliver of good that comes is quickly extinguished. “And I should have guessed since Marcy takes such good care of herself! Hey, what if I go to the gym with you, Marcy? If you were there I’m sure i’d be motivated to do my best!” His bright smile and thumbs up makes him seem like a commercial advert until the wicked witch splashes cold water on his enthusiasm.

“No, I hardly go there anymore. Plus, you’d just distract me.”

Wow, harsh. On one hand, at least Marcella isn’t going to my gym (although I already knew that because she only ever went to take pictures of her vain self in the big mirror) and on the other hand Hunter is actually trying to better himself for this person while spending time with them and maybe I should tell him now before he falls too deep…

“Ha, yeah,” Hunter’s laugh is a bit more embarrassed and awkward this time but his tone quickly picks back up again “That’s my Marcy for you! Always so efficient!” Hunter gives her a side hug and Marcella doesn’t even look at him.

Nope, nevermind, boy’s fallen way down the rabbit hole.

Sluuurp

Drink completion: 100% Your Reward: FREEDOM

I stand up so quick I hit my side against the table of the booth and Hunter looks at me worried, but before he can ask ‘are you okay?’ again I speak up “ yeah, yeah she’s great, real gem,” I mutter and I relish the little side glare I get from her in return. I’m naturally bitter, sue me.

“ Anyway, I’m gonna go. Bye.” Dang does it feel good to spin away and just go. Shed all of this drama. I mentally give the little girl a high five in my head. We did it! Breakup over. Hurt later, celebrate now.

Just as I open the door I hear Hunter say a slightly confused sounding but enthusiastically chipper (as always) “Bye, Jordan!” and then I hear a hushed, “aren’t you gonna say bye to him too?”

“...whatever.”

And then the door slams.

I’m free. And now I go on with my life, find an actual nice human being to love instead of whatever Marcella was, and I live happily ever after. And who knows, maybe Hunter gets smart and leaves her too, and she turns into a worm. One can hope.

My mental weird quest girl pops back up in the middle of my happy ending movie sequence and shakes her head like a movie that’s the first part of a set and you think it’s all wrapped up but oh no, you’re just getting started, and as this does not bode well for me I slap a quick ‘The End’ sticker over it in denial and pull the curtains shut.

The crowd in my head cheers as I head home.