Weeks later, I was standing in the washroom, looking at myself in the mirror. It was a night after school, and I was about to take a shower, but stopped to look at my reflection. Lucille and her friends were still going at me almost daily now, and I was reaching a breaking point. They were smart enough to figure out that picking on me for my weight was the easiest way to get to me. I’ve never been a confident person, and struggled with many insecurities. Unfortunately one of them was my weight. Though usually, I thought I was too skinny, as that's what my family would tell me quite often. But now, I was starting to believe I was too chubby.
I ran my hands over my stomach and pinched any fat I could. Even though I couldn't grab much, there was still some. Instantly, Lucille's voice exploded in my head, repeating the names she always called me. Her favorite being "fatty". Maybe I was gaining weight. Or maybe I was never really that skinny, and my family was just joking. Robin and I did go out a lot and we would often eat out. On Saturdays we always went out for ice cream too. So maybe all this was finally catching up to me? Obviously I couldn't keep my fast metabolism forever. Eventually I'd start gaining weight, and maybe this was the time.
Debating on what to do, I glanced at the scale in the corner of the bathroom. Maybe I should check my weight? So that's exactly what I did. The numbers jumped around a bit before settling at 108 lbs. I looked at that number with confusion. There was no way I could be considered fat at that number. That was a pretty low number! So obviously weight wasn't a problem… or was it? Maybe if I ate healthier, it would fix the problem? I went back and forth on what would be my best option. I could eat healthier and try to get Lucille and Pat off my back, or I could ignore them and keep doing what I was doing. After fighting with myself quite a bit, I decided to go cold turkey on junk and start eating healthier.
The next day, I woke up on time, and after cleaning up a bit, I made myself a nice healthy bowl of fruit for breakfast. Fruit for breakfast wasn't too out of the ordinary, but lunch was a bit different. Instead of the usual sandwiches, I made a salad. Robin was shocked to see that one. She was so used to me having sandwiches that it was new for me to have a salad.
"Wow, Diane! A salad? What's the occasion?" She asked.
I shrugged. "Eating healthier."
Robin grinned. "Oooo are you trying to impress a special someone? Perhaps a boy?"
"Pft! In my dreams! No, I'm just trying to be healthier."
"Interesting, interesting." Robin said. "Well that's pretty cool. I'm too lazy to do that crap."
"Lazy would be an understatement."
"Oi!" Robin shot me a glare. "You're just as much a couch potato as I am!"
"Not anymore!" I grinned. "I'm going to start exercising too."
Robin glared at me. "I bet this will all fall through within a week."
I shook my head no. I wasn't going to let that happen.
"Oh, I think it will." Robin pushed. "Things like this normally do."
"Nope. Not this time."
"I'll bet you 5 bucks."
"You're on." I smirked.
A week later, I was still going strong. I won my 5 bucks from Robin, who was astonished I was still doing this. And I wasn't stopping. I kept up with the new healthy lifestyle for many weeks. I was definitely feeling a lot better, and more energetic, which was a huge improvement. But, the downside was that Lucille was still bullying me. It was escalating to multiple times a day now. She just refused to leave me alone! But despite that, I was still trying to ignore it and hide how much it was really hurting. Instead, I used the emotions to push myself to be more strict with eating and exercising habits.
--
One Saturday, Robin and I were hanging out as usual. Like we did every Saturday, she wanted to go out to ice cream. For the past couple weeks I had been refusing to get any because it didn’t fit into my healthy eating. I had completely cut out junk at this point, and was eating solely whole foods, vegetables, and fruit. Robin didn't say anything about the ice cream the past couple times, but that day, it really got to her.
"C'mon Diane! It's just ice cream." She pushed. "It's not going to ruin your healthy eating!"
"It's not healthy." I stayed firm.
"Well obviously! But everything in moderation! One treat a week won't kill you!"
"I don't want it. You can get yours, but I'm not getting anything." I said firmly. I couldn't risk getting ice cream, and then having cravings for it all week.
"Ugh, what is going on with you? Are you afraid of something??"
"No. What would I be afraid of?"
"I don't know! Gaining weight?" Robin flung her hands up in the air to show her frustration.
"Pft! Gaining weight? That's the last thing I need."
Robin gave me a stunned look. "So you ARE afraid of gaining weight."
"I am not-"
"You are! I can tell by how you're trying to hide it! Why are you so afraid of gaining weight? You've been stick thin your whole life!"
"Yea, well, obviously my metabolism won't last forever! So, I wanted to change things before it was too late!" I fought back. Obviously that was only part of the reason I was doing this, but Robin didn’t need to know about Lucille.
"So, that's what this whole eating healthy thing is!" Robin looked angry at me for even thinking such things. "Well, let me break it to you! You shouldn't be afraid of gaining weight! Because recently I've noticed you've actually lost weight! And you should be working on gaining it back!!"
"Robin!" I snapped. "I don't want to talk about this! Just get your ice cream and let's go!"
Robin huffed before going and grabbing her ice cream. I was surprised I even snapped at her like I did. Normally it took quite a bit to piss me off, and for me to snap, was quite rare. After Robin got her ice cream, we headed to her place. The ice cream shop was only a 10 minute walk from our houses, so it wasn’t too far away. The rest of the time we spent together that day was tense. So, I cut the hangout time short and headed home early. I wasn’t in the mood to argue with Robin any more than I had that day.
However, Robin's comment on my weight remained bouncing around in my head ever since she said it. So before taking my shower that night, I hopped on the scale to see what I weighed. I was expecting to maintain the 108 that I was last time, but instead I was a couple pounds less! I was shocked to see that number! How in the world did I lose so much? The odd thing about this was that I wasn't worried. I liked it. I was almost getting a high out of it.
I stared at the number for a bit. I wanted to see it go lower. I wanted to hit 100 on the dot. If I did that, then Lucille wouldn't be able to call me fat anymore! So, in the spur of the moment I made it my goal to get to 100lbs. I figured I'd feel best at that weight, and that I could get to it within the next month and a half. Especially if I kept up the healthy eating. So, that's exactly what I started working towards.
Just as I decided that, I heard a little voice cheer me on in the back of my head. It made all my worries and doubts go away.
--
Almost exactly as I predicted, I hit my goal weight within the next month. One cold November morning, I dragged myself out of bed to once again, go to school. The only reason I was willing to get up so fast was because I was excited to weigh. Last night, I had weighed, and I was super close to my goal, so I knew I was going to be in the range. Excitingly, but tiredly at the same time, I went into the washroom, did up my hair, and jumped on the scale.
I gasped out of excitement to see that I was actually a tad under my goal, putting me in the double digits. It made plateauing at the same weight for the past week all worth it. Sometimes things like this just happened. I would plateau at a weight for a while, and then all of the sudden I would lose a whole pound or 2 in one go. It was the best feeling in the world. I was so excited I let out a small squeal and then hopped off the scale to finish getting ready. Attaining my goal had made my day! And it was only 7 in the morning! Now all I had to do was to maintain this weight! Easy peasy!
I think you should drop another 5lbs.
There was a sudden cold and raspy voice in my head. I had heard it many times before since I've been losing weight, but this was the first time it had been so clear. Normally I would only hear small cheers from her when I accomplished something. It didn't even sound like it came from my own mind, which is what was unsettling.
Think of how it would feel to be 95lbs. So light! So thin! Those girls will envy you!
I thought about it. 95lbs would be nice. I definitely wouldn't go any further than that. Robin would start freaking out at me for sure. Even I was noticing I was looking a little bony.
Bony?! Oh c'mon you're far from it.
I rolled my eyes. Now the voice was just being nasty. Not wanting to ruin my good mood, I ignored it, and moved on. With my new found energy from my weigh in, I happily went to finish getting ready. I spent the morning pondering making my new goal 95lbs whilst getting ready. It seemed like such a good idea and bad idea at the same time. But I guess I wanted it more than I thought because by the time I got to school, I had decided to pursue being 95lbs. But that was it. I wasn't going any lower. I wasn’t going to risk having health issues because of some bullies.
The new goal weight occupied my brain the whole day. Lately I was always thinking about food. I loved being able to plan out a perfect day of healthy eating. It was the most satisfying thing! Planning things out kept me in control of things, and allowed me to achieve my goals.
--
It was almost the end of the day, and Robin and I were in our Biology class. It was a work period, so I was just working away at the lab sheet we had to fill out related to the frog dissection we had last week. I was working away, when I started feeling a stare. I looked around to see where it was coming from, and I noticed it was coming from Robin. She was giving me a really concerned look my way.
"Something wrong?" I asked her.
"Um… yea." She replied.
"Oh? What's up? Is something going on at home?" Sometimes when her dad was struggling to make enough money to keep him and Robin supported, she would be out of it. It stressed her out knowing her dad was stressed.
"No, no… everything at home is good. Great actually… Dad got a job promotion. But uh… I'm worried about you."
"Me? Why? I'm doing great!"
"Are you sure?" Robin questioned. "You just, Ugh… did you lose weight?"
"Uh, yea, a bit?"
"Define a bit." Robin said with an even more worried look on her face.
"Almost 10lbs? It's not that much." I assured her.
Robin looked shocked. I realized I probably shouldn't have said anything. Now she was going to be worried, and would constantly be on my case. I didn’t need that.
"Diane! 10lbs is a lot!!" I could tell she was trying to keep her voice at a whisper but was having a hard time. "You were already underweight!"
I tried to shrug it off so she wouldn't worry. I tried coming up with an explanation to show I was ok.
"Look. I'm ok. I think what has been happening is that I've been eating healthier so my body decided to set a new weight. It shouldn't go much lower."
That was pretty much correct. I’m almost certain the only reason I was maintaining my previous weight was because I ate a lot more junk.. By eating only healthy food, there was definitely a calorie deficit. Not that I counted calories, or had an interest in doing so. I had seen the dangerous path some people go down by counting calories. Some people could do it safely, but others would fall into a path of obsession, and would become anorexic. We had a whole unit on it in health class, and it scared the shit out of me.
"Please don't let yourself lose any more weight.” Robin pushed. “I know you want to eat healthier, which is totally possible, but if you're going to do that, you've gotta learn to eat more!"
I sighed. She was right in a way. I knew that once I got to my new goal weight, I would have to learn to eat more to maintain. I wasn't intentionally restricting the amount I ate, I just was never one to eat a lot. I thought about what she said whilst playing around with my sleeve.
"I suppose you're right.” I Sighed “I am getting a little bit bony for my taste."
"How about we go out for supper? They've got a new vegetarian restaurant in town. We could go and try it. It's healthy. I just want to make sure you get a good meal in."
I nodded. "Yea, I'm down. Sounds good."
"Good. Just please. Don't let your weight drop any further."
"I won't." I lied. No matter what I was getting to 95lbs, but it was only a couple pounds away.. It wasn't going to be noticeable, and she didn't need to know.
--
Two weeks later, I was still stuck in the same weight range. It was so damn frustrating! I lost the previous weight so fast! But now I just couldn't lose anything more than a bit of weight in maybe a week!
Count your calories! Count them damn it!
That voice had been pestering me to count my calories for so long now it was getting annoying. But, it did have a point. Weight loss was pretty much calories in, calories out. I knew from bio class that for someone of my height and weight, I would burn 1600 calories on average, so I just had to eat less than that. But at the same time, I knew how dangerous it was. But then again, I was curious. So out of curiosity, I downloaded a calorie counting app called chronometer and tracked everything I ate that day.
By the end of the day, after inputting everything in the chronometer, I saw that I had totalled at 1500 calories. That explains why I was losing so slow! I had too small of a deficit! Immediately, I threw all worries of becoming obsessed with calories out the window, and decided it would be best to track them. Besides, I was in no way obsessive, and I definitely wouldn't develop an eating disorder.
Stick to 1200 a day and you will be at 95lbs in no time!
The voice had a point. 1200 was still a reasonable amount of food in my opinion, especially if it all came from healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. I could easily do that. All I had to do was learn to track my calories more accurately! Then I'd be at my goal weight in no time.
Good! Make sure you don't miss anything!
And I made sure I didn't. Nothing was left untracked. I was determined to get to 95lbs.
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