DANGEROUS ELYSIUM

PART SEVEN

OLIVER

I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight. This huge tidal wave of relief seemed to crest through me. I struggled to force back the tears that threatened to fall. I was so emotional, and I was trying to come terms with everything that had happened to me. I still hadn't told Sharna, not yet or maybe I never will. We were still trying to get settled into this little bed and breakfast, but I hoped having Sharna next to me would make it a little less scary. Although being wrapped in a quilt, both nearly naked was hard, very hard. The poor woman at the desk looked mortified when Sharna ran up to her practically screaming and begging if there were any rooms and if they had the means to wash clothes and our clothes needed washing. Then I gave up on trying to make sense of what I was feeling and just clung to him with no words spoken between us.

He rubbed my back and whispered soft words in my ear. "It's going to be okay," he said. Yet I wished those words were things like how much he loved me, how brave I am and how everything would really be okay. They were the words I'd always dreamed of hearing from him in the fantasy I'd had about him coming to get me and save me, so many times. For so long. "Oliver, we need to talk."

I loosened my hold on him and sat back, pulling the quilt further around my body. Shielding myself? Possibly. "I….don't know…."

"Don't know isn't a good enough answer, remember?"

"Don't use my words against me. It's different."

"How?"

"Because I don't hurt people, you do."

"Ouch."

"What do you expect? I don't trust you….but, I can't deny you," I closed my eyes as I let the words sink into my stupid brain. "All these years of hate, when it never really was...or maybe I just hated that you so easily cast me aside…."

"Oliver…."

"I've not finished." Sharna quickly shut his mouth and let his hands fall into his lap. "Was I really that forgettable? Or did I do something so wrong that you hurt me the way you did and have done for ten years," I laughed a little as my tears fell over my cheeks. "Ten years is a long time, Sharna. Ten painful….no, brutal years and then all of sudden there you are, trying. For what?"

"....for you. Trying for you."

I wanted Sharna so badly that I hadn't even had time to consider the ramifications. I was always so smart when it came to consequences…I was a planner, a thinker who saw everything in black-and-white. But being around Sharna had been all gray, all the time. For ten years. I tried to convince myself I hated him. I tried to not look at him. I tried to not hear his voice. And every time I failed. Now he's sitting in front of me saying for me, trying for me. Then I felt the words. "Trying for me? Why? Why are you trying? What's different? Tell me."

"....all I've ever wanted to do is try. To take back all these years and start all over again, we were so happy as kids," He nodded slowly, like he was trying to convince himself as he said, "But we were happy. We had a lot of good years together."

"I wish we had more," I said softly. "I wish I'd been smart enough….."

"Oliver, you're one of the smartest men…."

"Not in this," I said before he could finish. I didn't want him making excuses for me. "I'm smart when it comes to books, and math and learning. But all that other stuff, it's just all make-believe. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Me either."

I huffed. "Right, sure. You always look like you know what you're doing."

"I don't though, because it's not my doing."

"Morgan, right?"

"....yeah. Morgan. But I can't put all the blame on him. He may have twisted my world upside down but I could have gotten out if I really wanted to, but I didn't. Your right, I'm a silver spoon. I'm selfish and cruel."

"Yeah, you've been so cruel. But maybe I was right too."

"About what?"

"That you hurt me for survival. I kept thinking that because of the way you looked at me that night. You look scared. You pushed me away because you were scared I'd get hurt."

"But you got hurt anyway."

"I did, but I think it would have been a lot worse if you didn't let go."

"I've never let go, that's the nails in my coffin Oliver. Always you, it's always been you. I just became very good at hiding it."

"Friends?"

He shook his head and turned his eyes down to look at his hands. "No….I mean at first, yeah. Then it just wasn't."

"Then what is it?"

"I crushed on you, isn't that obvious?"

Our relationship as kids had been relatively simple and straightforward, I thought, on his part. I'd always had this crush on him and I’d packed away the burgeoning feelings I'd had for him after that night. It was no different now, though I doubted he had any kind of crush on me. But to hear that he has….had, made those feelings spring free. "I did too."

"You did? Or you still do?"

"I think...There is a smile of love, And there is a smile of deceit, And there is a smile of smiles In which these two smiles meet."

"What?"

"William Blake. But then you've never been very good with books or anything."

He shifted closer and I felt like I needed to move away, but need and want are two very different things indeed. I knew I needed too, but I didn't want to. "Oliver, do you still like me?"

"Like? That's an understatement. I don't like you, I love you," he gasped and scooted even closer. I could feel his heat. I could smell him. I could almost taste him too. "But...I hate myself for loving you."

"Please don't hate yourself…."

"Why not?" I lifted my hand and gently brushed his damp hair away from his face. "It's unattainable, Sharna. No matter how we feel or look at it. It's impossible."

"It's not impossible."

"It is, there's just too much at stake."

"Such as?"

"Everything. Your life, my life."

"I give you my life, it's yours…."

"No," I cut in. I couldn't bear it. "I don't want it….well, I do but I can't have it. So just stop. Please Sharna." There was a new level of tension in the air. I could feel it vibrating between us, even as there was nothing but silence.

Then he cleared his throat, as if words were lodged there. And I had to look away. It's just so painful. "You still haven't told me what happened today."

"It doesn't matter now," I turned to look at him because I wanted to make him uncomfortable. I wanted him to get angry, to lash out. Part of me wanted him to do that. But he didn't. He was softer than I'd ever seen him, ever and I just couldn't sit here any longer. "I need a shower. Let me know when the clothes are dry."

"Oliver…"

"No, I need to get clean." I shot up and hurried into the bathroom. I climbed into the shower and got it going, not caring that I was still wearing my boxers. The second the water was loud enough to cover my sobs, I let go. I let my back slide down the shower wall as I cried and I cried for Sharna. And even when it felt like there were no more tears left, I cried some more, but this time for myself and the foolish child I'd once been to the even more foolish adult. I knew I needed to figure out how to open my eyes to all the shades of gray that were being violently thrown in my path, but I was truly terrified that it might already be way too late for that. No….it was too late for that. No matter how much we want it to be different or how much we wished deep in our hearts that we could walk around holding each other's hands. Kissing without the worry of what others will say or do. Being happy without worrying someone will break that up. There will always be someone who'll have shit to say. There will always be others who will threaten me or Sharna. All these years I thought he was looking down on me, when it was me who was looking down on myself. It's pitiful and that's something Sharna doesn't need in his already unsteady life. Leaving would be the best thing for both of us. I'll leave so he doesn't have to deal with me anymore….

"Open the damn door!" Sharna screamed. "I don't accept any of that! It's bullshit and you know it! Now open the door or I'm coming in forcefully!"

"No! Stop!"

"Right!" I sat up quickly and tried to reach for the tap but the door swung open and hit the wall so hard it made a big dent. "I told you…." Then his words trailed off as he looked at me sitting under the spray in my boxers. "I love you too!" He blurted.

"Don't lie!"

"It's not!" He strides towards me and falls to his knees and shuts off the water. "I love you." He grabbed me and pulled me back in his arms. "I love you…." He said again and again and again until his words became strangled sobs and we were both a tangled mess on the shower floor. "....I won't ever stop loving you. Even if you walk away." He whispered. His voice was so low I barely heard him. The hurt was clear as day, though. "....but please don't walk away." He added as he began nuzzling my throat. He opened his mouth and sucked on my skin, then pressed a soft kiss to it. He continued that motion down the column of my throat.

Then I gasped as I noticed my cock began to strain against my wet boxers. "Wait," I groaned as I dropped my head back against the wall. "I….I've never done this."

Sharna stopped to look at me. Strangely he had a surprised look on his face, like he was surprised I was….shit, a virgin. Not counting being molested when out drunk, even that wouldn't count as losing your virginity, but the thought made me feel sick anyway and I pushed Sharna back a bit. "I won't hurt you…."

"Stop," I quickly said and held my fingers to his lips. "I trust you would never hurt me when….well, when it comes to that. But it will hurt in other ways."

"....let me at least please you, like this then." He said and pushed his hand into my boxers.

I thought maybe I'd freak out, but I didn't. This wasn't Raine. I was fully awake. It was Sharna, the guy of my many many dreams. But…" You….you don't need…" That was all I got out as he began rubbing my cock. "Oh God." I groaned. He was still kissing my neck.

His fingers were stroking up and down my dick. My head, the one on top of my body, felt like it was going to blow off my neck. The other head was leaking pre-cum in anticipation. Sharna had to be feeling that. "When did you know?" He asked, still rubbing me.

"When what?" I asked in confusion. I bit down on my lip when Sharna’s fingertip stroked over my slit. I wanted to scream when he pulled his hand out of my boxers, but then I saw him lifting his finger to his mouth. His expression blew my mind. He was holding his finger just inches from his mouth. He was breathing heavily, and his expression held no doubt as to how excited he was for what he was about to do.

"That you were gay? Or bi?"

"I knew for sure I was gay," I said as his eyes met mine. "When I was with you." And then he put his finger into his mouth and sucked gently. I wasn't sure which of us moaned louder and he smash his mouth down on mine. I could taste myself on his tongue as we kissed. All my juices were flowing when we pulled apart. Then he pulled my boxers partially down and closed his mouth closed around my flesh and he began sucking hard and fast. I moaned and leaned back against the wall. "....slower…" I panted and he immediately slowed the pace of his sucking and began licking and teasing my sensitive flesh. I was so hard I knew I wasn't going to last long. I dropped my hand to run over the top of Sharna’s head. Then I followed the line of his back and gently scraped my fingers back up over his flesh. The more he worked me over, the firmer my touch on his back was. When he finally pushed me to the back of his throat. My nails dug deep into his skin. He moaned around my flesh, but he didn't pull away. He sucked me hard and fast. I began thrusting my hips up, shoving my length to the back of his throat again, more insistent. That was it. "....coming…" I moaned and I began spasming. I could hear Sharna's desperate slurps as he tried to keep up with the come I was shooting into his mouth, but there was no way. There was just too much, and I was good with that because I could feel it dripping down my dick every time Sharna pulled his mouth up. The idea that he was filled with my essence just made me come even more.

"Mmmm," he hummed as he lifted his mouth off me and started rubbing over his own cock. He lifted up completely and I watched him with awe. It was beautiful. I was real and raw. In these moments it felt like nothing bad had ever happened, but as soon as tomorrow dawns it will. And we'd have to go back to pretending we hate each other. But just for now, I wanted to be with him. Tucked up next to him, with his big strong arms holding me tight. "I'm coming...Oliver…" He panted and grabbed my shoulder. "Fuck…" He hissed and streams of come spurted over my stomach.

"Need to switch that water back on." I chuckled.

Sharna's eyes shifted to me. "Looks like it." I could see enough of his expression to know what he was thinking, but when he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it, I pretty much melted on the spot. Yeah, I was so going to lose my heart to this man. Who was I kidding? I already have, so many times. Then he smiled. That smile was just for me. There was no deceit, only what I could see was true. That he really did love me.