‘Hi there. What was that last part again?’ he asks.
‘Uh, which bit?’
‘Sorry. Had to nip up an alley.’
Silence.
‘For a slash.’
Her response is curt. ‘And you were going to inform me of that when exactly?’
‘Ooh you know I love it when you put on your dead posh work voice.’
‘Cheeky bollock.’
‘Yeh well, sorry again about that. You’ll remember how cooped up I get sitting around for hours on end. Then while I was out of the car I realised how close I am to the Tube. And therefore to that cafe selling those custard things you like. You know, the little ones all burnt on top which you seem to inhale whenever you get a chance.’
‘Cheeky bollock twice!’
In the space of a moment her emotions zip from annoyance that he ignored protocol by going offline without a heads-up, to exasperation that she’s been talking to herself, to relief that the only person she can share her work frustrations with hasn’t actually heard this rant, to tenderness that he thinks the responsibility falls to him to make a peace offering
|I really must make sure I don’t shag ʼim by mistake|
‘So what were you saying?’ he enquires again.
‘Nothing really. Just trying to explain that you’ve no need to fret that I might’ve crossed over to the dark side.’
‘Righto, that’s okay. Tell me later over a beer.’
She can sense the tension drop from him also.
‘Ah you’re not too bad a lad’ she jests. ‘Despite your parents giving you a life sentence with that daft accent.’
There’s chuckling; he loves her attempts to wind him up with the accusation that he’s from Birmingham, when in fact his roots lie further west.
They settle into a comfortable silence.
‘Hey?’ she says eventually.
‘Mmm?’
‘Can I ask your opinion on something? What’s your view on telling porkies during the petting process if y’know what I’m referring to?’
Given its sensitivity, security vetting by their internal investigators is hardly a regular topic of conversation amongst staff. Mindful too that they mustn’t divulge anything identifiable should someone be scanning their airwaves, his response appears noncommittal.
‘We-ell. Can’t say anyone’s ever suggested lying would be a wise policy.’
‘What about telling the truth, just not the entire truth?’ And away she fires. ‘You’ll never guess which of our tall, slimy bastard colleagues I discovered cheating? Y’know, in order to be allocated that person who everyone in the department wants, if you understand who I’m speaking of?’
‘I know both the people you’re referring to, yes’ he’s quick to confirm. ‘So Little Lord Fauntleroy has been handed another gift? When did you hear that?’
‘Get this. He snuck off to see the boss. Got told which criteria were most being sought then went and lied about his credentials. Claimed he’s right into dance music …’
‘I can picture the self satisfaction oozing out of him as …’
Rapid banter is tricky with this equipment, so a flurry of over-talking obliges them to slow down and listen for sentence cues that the other is finished.
‘Well count yourself lucky’ she continues. ‘You didn’t have to witness Mr. Smug in person acknowledging he spouted some bullshit concerning courses he’s never even taken. Remember the first time he did that back when we all started?’
‘When he said he had heaps of psychology?’
‘Yeh. Then was forced to admit he’d only done one subject? And even bragged that that was purely because he fancied some chick who’d also signed up for it.’
‘And what’s more the class in question was the history of psychotropics.’
‘Which as I know first hand requires none of the research skills he claimed.’
‘Just the ability to take the piss out of nutty Victorians and spaced out Sixties hippies busily experimenting with drugs.’
‘Oh. Come. On.’
His laughing merely serves to wind her up further.
‘Surely it should be best person for the job? It’s not as if they don’t have both of our records on file.’
‘Know what?” he responds. “It sounds like part of you is hacked off you didn’t think to push yourself forward like he did.’
A pause.
‘But you can’t be defending him? Agreeing it’s okay he gets rewarded for working the system? I mean, it’s not as simple for us lasses as it is for you lot …’
After her voice trails off, he returns to the topic originally raised.
‘Anyway. How does all this relate to not necessarily fessing up during interviews? Are you saying he deliberately fibbed or something?’
‘No. But things’d be different if I could’ve told them about … about my clubbing for example.’
‘Well why didn’t you?’
‘Y’know damn well they’d have labelled me as a rampant druggie. And rejected me application.’
‘Reckon so?’
‘Course. Papers are full of it. Ecstasy this, rave that. You’re as aware as the next man how square they all are. There’s no way they’d have let us in if any of that had got mentioned.’
‘Can’t say I’m totally convinced.’
‘It’s true. Come on, everyone plays down what they’re into for that same reason.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘Well you’re just a bloody saint. Then again you wouldn’t be as big an alcoholic as some to begin with.’
‘Why thank you for that kind compliment’ he hams. ‘Look. I guess the point is you can never fully understand what’s going through their minds.’
She sits in the car, still rueing the loss of what should rightfully have been hers. After a minute she goes back on the transmitter.
‘Hey.’
‘Mmm?’
‘Do us a favour.’
‘Huh?’
‘I need to peel off so I can go see a … rather angry group.’
‘You’re going to go watch The Enraged play live?’
She is impressed with his made-up name for where she is headed.
‘You know I’ve been wanting to get along to one of their gigs yeh.’
‘Remind me. How is it you manage to score all the fun assignments?’
‘Har bloody har.’
‘It’s true. Better than what the rest of us gutter dwellers have to console ourselves with, without a doubt.’
‘Anyway do you mind sticking around a while longer before you skedaddle? In case sweetness here goes and does something exciting. I appreciate your hands are fairly tied if anything much does go down but …’
‘No problem’ he interrupts. ‘Attention all tart guzzlers. Heading on over now. Thirty seconds and counting for all traces of Portugese custard to be wiped from mouths.’
‘Well I would if I were allowed at em anytime soon. But I guess them little gems are gonna have to wait till I’m back in the office. Which may not be until tomorrow depending on how things pan out tonight.’
‘And during the meanwhilst I’ll do my best to keep ʼem away from all those guys who seem to like loitering near your desk.’
‘Roger that. I’m outta here.’
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