A month had passed since my argument with Robin. I absolutely refused to talk to her again. Especially after what she pulled. But,to be honest, it wasn't truly because I was upset with her. It was Diana. She despised Robin, and if I was even around her, Diana would be screaming like there was no tomorrow. I wasn't up to listening to it, so anytime I saw Robin, I stayed away.
Of course I knew Robin was hurt by this, but I couldn't really care less. She should've known this would've happened if she forced me to eat. It was her fault, so she could deal with it on her own. Surely she had other people to talk to anyways. She could go be with them instead of pestering me.
I was now in the lower 80’s again, which I was happy about. Finally I had lost almost all of the weight Robin made me put on. Thank god. My family wasn't happy to see I had lost weight again, but they also knew I wasn't willing to talk about it. Nobody wanted to argue with me, which I was totally cool with. I rathered being left to my own. I didn’t need anybody but Diana.
--
It was right after march break, so midterms were coming up. I knew I was going to have to work hard to pass. The only downside to restricting was how much harder I had to work to keep my grades up. I knew I especially had to work on my bio project. It was due soon, and I still haven’t even started. My plan for that day was to actually buckle down and at least get a draft done that night. Once the bell rang to signify the end of the day, I started getting ready to head home. I dreaded working on that damn project, but knew I had to. I was cleaning up my papers and textbooks from my desk, when Lucille approached me from behind. I already knew it wasn't a school related question she wanted. It was another opportunity for her to call me fat and ugly.
"Hey piggy." Lucille said. "You've really gained quite a bit of weight, huh?"
Lucille seemed to know my weak point was my weight. Anything about weight or eating. She knew those affected me the most. Even with losing almost 30lbs so far, she still thought it was good fun to call me such names.
"Shut it." I said. It stung knowing she could see the weight I had gained. It was my worst fear that others would see it when I gained weight. "It wasn't my damn fault."
"Aww, couldn't stop yourself from eating?” Lucille snickered. “No self control?"
"I have plenty of self control." I spat. I wasn’t in the mood for Lucille's crap. Not when I was already stressed about midterms. This was new for me to talk back, and Lucille looked a tad pissed that I did. Normally I would remain quiet, and let her say what she felt like saying. I guess she wasn't too happy about me talking back though.
"Bitch!" Lucille pulled my books out of my hands and threw them to the floor. I gave her a glare before kneeling down to clean up the mess. Unfortunately, she wasn't about to let me do that easily. I went to pick up a book, and she stomped on my hand with the heels of her fancy shoes. My hand exploded with pain, and I pulled away instantly, dropping my book. I held back tears as I held my throbbing hand close trying to ease the pain.
With my other hand I tried picking up my stuff and again, and Lucille simply kicked it out of my hand. I tried again, and she did the same. Both my hands were throbbing, and I was breaking down, with tears streaming down my face. I was trying so hard not to let her see that, but it was impossible. No matter how strong I wanted to be, I couldn’t hold back from crying like a baby.
"What's the matter?" Lucille taunted. "Too slow?? C'mon! Pick it up!!"
I kept trying to pick my things up, but with every attempt, my hands would get more and more bruised. I couldn't hold it in anymore and completely broke down. I was crying so hard I could barely see. I didn’t know what to do!
"LUCILLE!!" I heard Robin's voice in the distance. She sounded pissed. I could hear her running over to Lucille, and a loud crunch. I couldn’t follow what was happening though. I was too busy sobbing my eyes out, and trying to ease the pain in my hands.
A couple seconds later, I could see Robin kneeling down beside me. I didn't dare look up at her though. This was a bad time to end up arguing, so I kept my head down. I felt myself crumble to the floor, and curl up into a ball. I could hear Lucille and Robin arguing, and then my bio teacher Mrs Smith joined in at some point as well. I still couldn't follow exactly what was going on. It was too much for me to handle at that point. I just wanted it to end.
After what seemed like a long time, I had both Mrs Smith and Robin kneeling down beside me. Robin was running her fingers through my hair in an attempt to comfort me. She knew that tactic almost always calmed me down. It was a weird thing, but oddly enough, it always worked. It was helping me calm down enough that I could finally listen to their conversation.
"I've been keeping an eye on her, you know." Mrs Smith said sadly. "Her marks have been dropping just as fast as her weight, and I didn't want to see her go the same way as my cousin."
"Your cousin?" Robin asked.
"Mhm. He had Anorexia, and unfortunately it took his life. So when I started seeing signs of anorexia in Diane, it worried me."
"You think that’s what she’s got?" Robin asked. Robin may have known a lot about depression and anxiety, but she didn’t know much about eating disorders, as they were never really talked about in those years.
"Yea. I'm almost certain she's anorexic."
You're too fat to be anorexic. You don’t have a problem. They got it wrong. If anything, you’re a binge eater.
"N-no…" I muttered through my sobbing. I couldn’t have more people worrying about me. Anorexia was a serious mental illness, and I wasn’t about to make people worry because they thought I had it. "I'm n-not anorexic…"
"Diane." Mrs Smith sighed. She was saddened by my response. It wasn't that hard to tell. "You're in denial. I know it's hard, but you need help."
I shook my head no. I didn't need help. I was fine. Maybe if I got to a lower weight, I'd need it, but not now. I was still fat. And besides, I didn’t have any serious health issues or anything. I was fine.
"There are plenty of treatment centres out there that can help you. You don't have to do it on your own. And I'm sure Robin will gladly support you."
"Darn right." Robin said.
"I-I can't…" I wanted to scream at them for telling me such nonsense. There was no way in hell I was letting anyone get in my way of losing weight. I wanted to tell them that I still needed to lose more weight, but figured that would just put me in a worse situation.
"Diane-" Robin was about to fight with me, but Mrs Smith signalled her not to.
"Sweetie, you're at a dangerously low weight, and I don't think you've got much more time you can keep doing this. Eventually it will kill you. Which is why I believe treatment is your best option. You're not in control of this right now, and you need someone else to take control for you. I'm sorry, but I really believe you should be in intensive care."
"No!" I managed to gather the strength to shout. I wasn't taking this bullshit! With all my remaining strength, I pulled myself up. "I'm fine!"
With that, I stormed out. Everything hurt like hell, but I didn't care. I had also left my books in the class, but once again, didn't care. Robin would probably try to return them to me anyway. I was so angry at them for trying to tell me I needed help! I was fine for fucks sake! I ended up power walking home, instead of taking the bus. I got home, cleaned up my hands, and went to bed.
I slept for a couple hours before Dad woke me up.
“Diane?” Dad shook me awake. “You awake?”
“I am now.” I groaned.
“Good. It’s dinner.” Dad said. “Come to the table.”
“I ate earlier.” I lied.
“No you didn’t. I asked Bella and Jack and they said you haven’t eaten yet today.”
“Ugh… fine.” I grumbled. I wasn’t in the mood for more arguing. I could just take a small amount, and I’d be fine. I pulled myself out of bed, and went to reach for my glasses. I forgot about my bruised hands, and Dad saw them.
“What happened to your hand??” Dad asked.
“Uh - Nothing.” I quickly put on my glasses, and put my hands behind my back.
“No it’s not nothing.” He walked over and sat next to me. “Can I see?”
I sighed, and put my hands in front of me. He looked shocked by how damaged they were. They were covered in black and blue bruises, and a couple cute where Lucille’s heel actually punctured my skin.
“What happened?!” Dad was clearly worried. “My god! It’s like someone stomped on your hands!!”
“I, uh, accidentally dropped my books on my hands.” I lied. “I bruise easily.”
Dad sighed. “You know, that’s because of your weight right? You’re going to bruise easier than Bella per say.”
“Yea, yea.” I groaned.
“Well, if you need help with anything, just let me know. I imagine that’s quite painful.” Dad said. “Anywho, time to eat. Let’s go.”
I complied, and went to the table. I had to explain to Bella and Jack what happened to my hands (the fake story of course). I could tell they were a bit skeptical on it, but didn’t say anything. Bella offered to help me carry my stuff around at school, and Jack offered to help with other things I had to do. Honestly, I was lucky to have the siblings I did.
“So how’s stuff for midterms coming along?” Dad asked whilst we ate. He always tried his best to keep up to date with our lives.
“Pretty good.” Bella replied. “I only have a midterm for french class. We have to do an interview. Shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Same here.” Jack said. The three of us were in french class, but I had taken my french class last semester. “I also got that stupid chemisty midterm, and biology, which shouldn’t be too bad.”
“Oh! Talking about biology!” Dad looked over my way. “How’s that biology midterm project coming along, Diane? Your teacher emailed me about it, so it must be quite the project.”
“Uh, yea, it’s pretty big.” I laughed nervously. “And it's, ya know, going.”
“In other words, she hasn’t started.” Jack snickered. He was bad for not getting stuff done on time, and goofing off instead. “Oh no! I must be the bad influence!”
“You better get on that project.” Dad said. “Have you started it at all?”
I shook my head no.
“I want to see a draft by this Friday.” Dad said. “We can go through it together and work out any kinks. Got it?”
“Yea.” I groaned. Now I really had to work on it. Damn it.
--
Over the next couple weeks, I noticed Mrs Smith was trying desperately to get me to admit I needed help. She pulled me aside for small chats, acting like she cared about how I was doing, and then bringing up how I should talk to Dad and ask him to get me someone to talk to. Mrs Smith had also tried to use Robin against me. She sent her my way quite often to talk to me about it, but I just brushed her off. This was ridiculous. I didn’t need help!
This went on for a month. I would've thought that Mrs Smith would have just given up on me, but she didn't. She kept at it, which made it a real pain in my ass. I had to constantly be on alert for when she would try to talk to me next, and then find a way to sneak around it. Not only did it tire me out, but it was also time consuming. But it was better than being shipped off to the hospital.
Diana had become my only friend. She was reliable, and helped me achieve my goals. She was a bit rude at times, but I knew it was for the better. With her help, I was able to lose more weight. Though I had to admit, I was getting to a pretty low weight, and I was starting to face the consequences. I was currently maintaining in the high 70’s, which seemed amazing. Or so I thought.
The stairs at school were practically impossible to do without getting so winded I would be on the verge of passing out. I couldn't stand without stumbling and shaking. My concentration was absolute shit, which was causing my grades to drop dramatically. On top of that, I was freezing 24/7. I figured it would be best to stop losing weight once I hit 75lbs. I didn't think I could go much lower than without ending up in seriously bad condition.
Now, as for my midterms, they weren’t going well. I had just barely passed the tests in my other classes, and was barely able to find the energy to work on my biology project. I knew I had to try harder to keep my grades up, but I just couldn’t find the energy. I guess I had just stopped caring too, because the low grades I was getting didn’t even faze me.
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