The monotony of office life progressed with each day of Lilith's employment. She had originally gotten the job in order to pay for the apartment that she planned to rent with Miya. Miya was just about to graduate and was only working freelance so they could barely afford it under Liliths job as a low level editor at an idealized publishing company. She wasn’t too upset with joining her new company as a technical writer, she was actually surprised to figure out it fit her better. Things were more black and white, unlike the pieces of literature that she would have to carefully critique in fear of facing her clients muddled emotions. They would call her too harsh and request someone else, they would call her approach to literature too cynical. What made Lilith the most enraged was how they conjured up these false perceptions of the quality of their work, then got upset when someone they hired to criticize said work crumbled their layers of contrived self-assurance.
Lilith much rather enjoyed writing excerpts for software prototypes, communicating minimally in person and exchanging equal criticism through emails. Miya would hate to do this, she thought as she checked her emails for the third time that morning, she only ever wanted to write creatively, writing any other way would crush her spirit.
Looking in on herself Lilith knew her cynical desires would never extend to that reach, she only wants to simulate crushing her spirit. See the way she falls into Liliths arms riddled with despair while thinking of how pitiful her life had been. Crushing her spirit completely would end the game. And above all else after finally indulging in something beyond the artificial that had become her everyday life, Lilith did not want to end the game.
The work day went by in what felt like hours, Lilith's anticipation to get home only grew. She was truly excited to see Miya for the first time in a while. It wasn’t that Lilith didn’t care for Miya, she truly loved her, her love just manifested differently than others.
Today was a mandatory full work day, requiring her to clock out at 5pm. Normally she finished work early and headed off to get lunch. Lilith was just realising how many wasted opportunities lied in her past.
By 4:55pm she was tapping her heels against the carpet and clicking her pen repeatedly with her thumb. She had finished work up to what she could do since she was waiting on an email response, and that probably wasn’t going to come in the next 5 minutes.
“Waiting to go somewhere,” A voice perked up from Lilith's side, Lilith stopped her fidgeting and turned to respond. Sherly smiled at her expectantly.
“Oh,” Lilith said, pretending to be dumbfounded, “just not used to a full work day.”
Sherly settled against the edge of her cubicles entrance, “Look I wanted to apologize for the ladies yesterday, you know how we can be when it comes to something or someone interesting.” Lilith nodded. Sherly waited for a response but spoke up again when she realized she wasn’t getting one.
“Well we all just wanted to extend an arm and you invite you to a little outing we planned later tonight, we made a reservation at Pierre’s at 8. If you plan to join the reservation is under my name,” Sherly finished with a fond smile.
Lilith looked at the clock, 5:02. “I’m busy but thank you.”
“I thought you weren’t planning to go anywhere,” Sherly said with a piqued interest. Lilith watched as her other coworkers packed up their things, some already clocking out.
“I’m not, I have a video call with some of my extended family tonight.”
Sherly’s face turned a little red, “Oh, well, my mistake. I’ll be sure to invite you the next time we plan an outing.”
“Thank you,” Lilith said as she stood, collecting the papers on her desk into a manilla folder. She hadn’t looked to see but she knew Sherly had disappeared from her side. As the office background noise faded the anxious excitement in Lilith grew.
Hurriedly, she picked up her purse and clocked out, basically speed walking out of the building. She wondered what Miya was doing right now, what innocent expression naturally splayed across her face, what she would have to do to peel that expression back and reveal something much different.
By the time she reached the apartment door she was a lit with desire for the first time in years, a conniving smirk sat comfortably on her lips as she opened the door. Miya, sitting on the couch in the living room, paused whatever movie she was watching and turned. Her head seemed small when juxtaposed with the frilly curls that sprung with her turn, excitement blossomed on her face.
“Lilith!” She exclaimed while getting off the coach, heading over to greet her. Lilith closed the door behind her before Miya cascaded into her, hugging her tightly.
Since they had been tense lately Miya had toned down her expressive energy, but it seemed after their discussion last night it had all come back. Lilith blushed as she was hugged, and kissed, and fretted upon.
“Hey,” She said, slightly pushing Miya back, “I have to cook dinner.”
Miya’s eyes widened for a second before they fell to the ground in shame, “I forgot… I can cook? Or I can go pick up some food?” She peered back up at her, knowing exactly what she was doing with her pitious look. This look used to make Lilith succumb to her touch, make her show her affection in some way or another, now it made Lilith want to make those eyelashes she batted at her fill with tears, make her pouty lips display a distressed frown.
Lilith turned back to the kitchen, “No, the cooking will help me cool off from work. Shrimp Alfredo?”
“Mhm, I’ll help,” Miya said as she followed Lilith.
Lilith took her time arranging ingredients, heating up her pan as she pulled out a bag of frozen shrimp and two jars of alfredo sauce. Miya tried to help but after Lilith rejected her offers she ended up sitting on the counter watching Lilith intently.
As she began cutting the parsley Lilith looked up at Miya, making eye contact. “What?” She asked.
“Nothing… just watching,” Miya said, turning away to reveal her ears that burned pink.
“Miya?” Lilith asked.
“Yeah,” Miya turned back, looking a little worried again.
“You wouldn’t leave me right?” The sound of the knife against the cutting board resonated in the now silent kitchen. Lilith blamed minimalism, every sound echos in an empty house.
“Of course not,” Miya said as if the concept was absurd, “what gave you this idea?”
Miya had nipped at the bait, Lilith had to elongate this conversation before she pulled the reel too early. “It’s just you know how it gets when we fight, and what happened the other time with…” Lilith didn’t say the name but Miya tensed up.
The thing is Miya was with Lilith for a reason. Miya liked the standoff type, the type that doesn't know how to receive or delt out affection, it made Miya feel special when she finally received it. Lilith had put together that taking away what she worked hard for would set her back a good amount, show the human that laid beneath the bubbly front Miya constantly put up.
The other thing is that it had happened to Miya before, with her ex-boyfriend. To tell the truth Lilith paid no mind to her ex, she wasn’t one for jealousy because if her partner wasn’t interested in her completely then what was the point. There was a point though when he had tugged on the leash that was somehow loosely wrapped around Miya’s neck in their early time together. Lilith hadn’t even paid it a mind then because at the end of the day Miya came back to her. And now she would harvest the seed by which she planted years ago.
“You know how I feel about that,” Miya exhaled, slowly pushing herself off the counter. Through the side of her eye Lilith watched her shift defensively, crossing one arm over another atop her chest. She watched the way that she looked at Lilith expectantly, waiting for some sort of an apology. But Lilith would not pull back this early.
Lilith left the cutting board to stand in front of Miya, staring down at her through half open eyes. “You have this… sense of loyalty, to whoever holds your affection. If he were to suddenly relight his flame, perhaps even burn his brighter than mine, would you turn his way?”
Pure confusion splayed across Miya’s face, she may be simple emotionally but she could tell Lilith was trying to start something here. “I don’t know what you’re doing right now… but I know that I don’t like it…”
Lilith restrained the entertained gaze that threatened to overtake her face. It was the way she fiddled uncomfortably with her hair, the way the insecurities Lilith was planting slowly began to infiltrate her thoughts and root themselves in her mind. She would do anything for more. “You didn’t answer my question, you know that right?” First she would set the stage for growing resentment, she would belittle Miya’s intelligence so that her response would lack confidence.
“I mean yeah but you know the answer,” Miya looked up at her desperately, “I would never. I love you, not him.” She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Do you?” Lilith asked, her heart pounded as she watched Miya’s false happiness become shredded into pieces in front of her. Watched as the real, broken human searching within herself for fault. Have I not shown her enough? Lilith knew she was asking herself. Does it feel as though I do not love her? Lilith knew she was piercing herself with.
“Of course,” Her lower lip trembled, “why are you acting like this?” Her eyes became glassy, the tears that previously sat at bay finally made their way down her face in abundance. She wiped at them embarrassed and Lilith couldn’t recall the last time she enjoyed something this much.
She felt euphoric as she watched the seeds of doubt erupt into vines of despair. Lilith knew it was time to pull back, she began to feign shock.
“Oh dear,” She chided, “I didn’t know this would upset you so much…”
Miya sniffled, “But… I think you did.”
Lilith put her hands on both of Miya’s cheeks, holding her as if she was a fragile piece of pottery. She looked at her piteously as she spoke, “I’m so sorry, my insecurities got the best of me again. Hey, I’m sorry.” She laid a soft kiss on Miya’s lips before pulling her into a hug, running one of her hands up and down her back for comfort. Miya abided, letting her patch up the cuts Lilith had just administered to her.
“Hey…” Miya mumbled under her arms, refusing to look up at her, “Don’t act like this again, I understand you’re stressed from work and we haven’t been the most stable lately but… not like this… please…”
“I’m sorry baby,” Lilith repeated as they stayed intertwined, “I’m sorry.”
--------------------
Lilith was nearly asleep when Miya shifted. They laid together in a bundle of limbs, Miya clinging to Lilith’s side. She felt Miya’s slow breath against her chest.
“Miya?” Lilith asked.
“Hm?” Miya murmured, glancing up at Lilith. Lilith couldn’t help but admire the tiredness that was in her eyes, the way her eyelids were pink and swollen from the tears.
“You’ll never leave me right? No matter what?”Lilith asks. Miya gives her a sleepy smile while moving in closer.
“Never,” Miya said as she closed her swollen eyes shut with bliss.
Lilith went to sleep satisfied, daydreaming about the reaction she had gotten today, imagining a different reaction in the future. She fell asleep to the prospect of how Miya’s anger looked and the ever-forgiving promise that no matter how enraged Lilith made her, she would eventually come back to Lilith.
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