The next couple days were uneventful. I tried to stick to my promise I made with Robin, but couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself say yes when someone offered food to me, nor could I make myself eat three meals a day. I really was trying. I didn’t want to go lower than 75lbs, and I knew eating the way I was would result in that. Dad could see I was trying, which was probably the only reason he hadn’t put me in the hospital yet. He had talked to me about it though, which means it was crossing his mind. So unless I got myself together, I’d be going into treatment. The fear of that happening only made me become more hostile which only made me feel worse. Now I was a terrible friend and daughter. I was also becoming a terrible sibling. All Jack and Bella would do was argue with me, and in return I said some nasty things I definitely regretted.
At least one thing Dad didn’t have to worry about was my activity levels. I was no longer able to get out of bed. For the first couple days I was able to get up on my own, despite passing out a couple times. I could walk around the house for maybe about 10
minutes max, but at least it was something. It gave me the opportunity to go watch TV with my siblings, or grab my guitar and play some tunes. But after a while, my ability to move around lessened, until I found I could no longer get up. I could hardly even sit up! So most days I just slept through, praying it would all end soon. I knew my time was coming. Even if Dad put me into treatment, I’d probably pass away anyways. I was beyond help, and I was going to die soon.It was no secret. I was willing to accept it with open arms. Because then at least I wouldn't have to be the cause of everyone's pain any longer, and I could move on to a peaceful and pain free realm.
About a week after I got home, I decided it was time I apologized to Robin for being such a bitch. I spent a lot of time going over how I treated her in the past, and felt really bad about it. And since I knew I wasn't going to be around much longer, I figured she deserved a sorry at the very least. She hadn’t been visiting, which made me worried too. Robin was almost always there for me, but yet she wasn’t now. Either I really damaged our friendship, or something was wrong. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand, and dialed her number. I called her home phone because I knew her phone didn't have many minutes on it, and I didn't want to waste them.
"Hello?" Her dad John picked up.
"Oh! John! Is Robin there?"
"Yep! I'm sure she'll be glad to talk to you! She's missed you a lot."
"Yea…" I knew John was putting on an act. Make it feel like it was all back to normal, and it would be fine. But it wasn't fine. I was dying and Robin was most likely suffering greatly. I heard John walk over to Robin's room and open the door. I heard him tell Robin I wanted to talk to her, but then he cut off his sentence and screamed.
"BLOODY HELL!!! ROBIN!! NO!!" I heard the phone drop to the ground, and muffled screaming. The screaming already had me worried, but when I heard John yell something about Robin’s wrists bleeding out, that got me worried. Really worried. Robin had a history of cutting and severe depression. When times got rough she would get very suicidal. Oh no. She didn’t.
Adrenaline rushed through my veins, and I pulled myself out of bed. I needed to get to Robin. Now. My vision went black the minute I stood up, and I toppled to the ground instantly. But, instead of completely losing consciousness, I pulled myself back up, and kept going. All I could think about was getting to Robin and making sure she was safe.
I ran down the hallway as fast as I could. I was having a hard time keeping steady, so I did bang into the walls a couple times, and almost toppled down the stairs. Dad heard me run into the wall, and ran over to see what was going on.
"Diane?!" Dad cried as he tried to wrap his arm around me to support me. Luckily he caught me at the bottom of the staircase before I face planted. "What in the world are you doing!? You shouldn't be exercising!!"
I pulled away from him and sprinted for the door. "This is serious!!! I think Robin attempted suicide!!"
I ran through the dining room and the kitchen, got to the entrance door, swung open the door and ran outside. With bare feet, I sprinted across our lawn over to Robin's lawn. I could hear ambulance sirens in the distance, which only scared me more. My vision was starting to go, and I knew I didn't have much longer to make it to Robin. I got onto her porch and threw open the door. The sprint to her room was hazy, but I made it.
"Diane!" John cried in shock when he saw me in the doorway. I was hanging onto the door frame trying to keep steady, and not pass out, but it wasn't working out well for me.
"Is she *huff* o-ok?" I stuttered. John was blocking my view of Robin, so I couldn't see her, but judging by the look on John's face, it wasn't good. When he moved over enough so I could see her, I was shocked.
There Robin was, laying on the ground, completely unconscious. Scared of what I would see, I moved my view down to her wrists. On her upper arm was her older scars and as I looked further down her wrist, the cuts became more and more recent. And then I saw the most recent ones. They were bleeding out a slight bit, but there was one cut that wasn't like the rest. On the bottom of her wrist was one hell of a deep cut that was bleeding out a ridiculously scary amount of blood.
"S-she *huff* attempted s-suicide?" I cried. Tears started flooding my eyes. I was scared for her. After such a bitch I had been to her, it never crossed my mind I'd never be able to say sorry. My vision was getting worse by the minute. I was going to pass out soon. I had a 5 minutes tops, before I would be out cold just like Robin. I was fighting every urge to pass out. I wanted, no, needed, to be there for Robin. After all she did for me, it was the least I could do.
John nodded. He looked scared. He was trying to put pressure on the cut and keep it maintained until the paramedics got there. I felt for fim. Him and Robin were incredibly close, and after he lost his wife, losing Robin would make things harder on him.
Suddenly, I heard the door open, and people ran in. John shouted where we were, and paramedics ran in. They acted immediately. I moved out of the doorway to let them through, and then watched in fear as they did their thing. John was forced to watch his daughter fight for her life right in front of his eyes. The paramedics had him stand next to me so he was out of the way. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, but once he saw how bad of a state I was in, he looked even more scared.
"Diane?" He asked. "You don't look so good. Are you ok?"
"I-I'm gonna *huff* p-pass *huff* out…" I mumbled. I hardly even got to finish my sentence before my vision went completely black and I could feel myself fall. And then everything went silent.
--
I came to hours later. It took awhile for me to figure out where I was, but after a minute of attempting to fix my blurry eyesight, I could finally see that I was back in my bedroom. I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my glasses. I could barely see without them. Only until after I put on my glasses did everything come flooding back to me. Images of Robin out cold on the floor with her wrist bleeding out flashed through my mind, until I could remember everything.
I immediately felt the need to get to Robin. I needed to make sure she was ok. But where was she? Was she at home, or at the hospital? Or worse, was she dead?? If only I had been strong enough to stay conscious, I would've known!!
Weak. Can't even stay standing long enough for a person you call a friend? Pathetic.
I hated myself for not being able to help Robin. Right when she needed me, I wasn't there for her. Even if we were constantly fighting, I still cared! Thinking about the whole situation made me feel sick. I felt like puking. Luckily, before I was about to have a full blown panic attack, Bella walked into my room.
"Oh! You're awake!" She said with a smile that quickly faded. "Are you, uh ok?"
"R-Robin… is she o-ok?" I asked desperately.
Bella sighed. "Yea. She'll be ok. She's in the hospital right now under a 48h suicide watch."
"Oh t-thank god…" I fell back against my pillow and relaxed a bit. She was ok. I had to keep telling myself that. Obviously she was struggling mentally, but at least she was alive.
"Can I sit next to you?" Bella asked. Everyone felt the need to ask these things now just in case I would flip out at them. No one wanted to take their chances anymore. My mood swings were so unexpected.
I nodded. Bella was definitely someone I wanted to be around in times like this. She was calm and good at listening. After getting approval, she walked up to my bed and sat down.
"So, how are you doing?" She asked. "Especially after all of this."
"Ugh… I don't know…" I mumbled. "I can't help but feel it's my fault. I've been such a bitch to everyone lately, and I never realized there would be consequences."
"Don't blame yourself. Things happen. And we all know you don't mean to be a bitch. It's that damn anorexia of yours. It's really got a hold on you."
"Yea, but I let her take over. I don't fight her."
"Her?" Bella asked with confusion. Never had I mentioned anything about Diana. Heck, I never even talked openly about having anorexia like this. She liked to be kept a secret from others.
Hey! What are doing?? Don't drag me into this! This is your fault!
"...uh, it's the anorexia." I said quietly. "I kinda see it as a person."
"Oh?"
I nodded. "She goes by Diana. See, it's like a mix of words. So it's my name Diane, and then what most people refer to anorexia as, which is Ana. So put the two together and you got Diana."
"Well that's interesting." Bella said. "I take it this Diana isn't the nicest one out there, huh?"
I shook my head. "She can be nice. But most of the time she's really mean."
"And what is she saying to you now?"
"That I'm a bitch for telling you about her, and it's all my fault for being this way and hurting people around me."
Bella looked at me in surprise. "Diane! You know none of that is true! Stop letting her feed you that bullshit!"
"I know…" I muttered. Bella was right. Diana was always telling me such ridiculous things that I knew deep down weren't true, but yet I chose to believe them.
Bella let out a sigh. "What are we going to do with you?"
I shrugged. Like heck I would know.
"Oh! That reminds me actually." Bella said. "Dad booked you an appointment a couple days ago. She's coming today if I'm not mistaken."
"Appointment? For what?"
"A dietitian who specializes in eating disorders."
I groaned. I should've known he would make another attempt at trying to get me to talk to someone. He knew I wasn’t recovering at all, so he probably figured a dietician would change things. Now that I was stuck in bed, he could do stuff like this and I couldn’t do a thing about it. And of course it had to be that day of all times. I didn’t want to talk about recovery when my best friend was in the hospital for a suicide attempt.
"Diane. You know you need this." Bella stated firmly. "At least give it a chance."
"Yea, yea. I know."
"You obviously don't know. You've refused any sort of treatment! Don’t think we don’t know that this recovery at home thing isn’t all a trick! We're trying to save your life! You haven't got much longer to live, you know!"
I kept quiet. I knew I was running out of time, but at the same time, I really didn't care. It would be too much of a hassle to recover. I was too far into the disorder. I didn’t really feel like going through the mental battle it would be to be even close to normal again.
“Bella! We’re going!” Dad shouted from downstairs. “C’mon!
“One second!” Bella replied before looking back at me. "Look, we are all going to go visit Robin for a bit. Is there anything you want us to tell her?"
"Tell her?" I asked. "No, I want to see her!!"
"Um, have you seen the condition you're in? You'd be lucky to make it to the car!"
“Please??” I begged.
“Let me go talk to Dad.” Bella said. She got up and went to go fetch Dad. He came upstairs to my room a couple minutes later.
“You wanted to come?” He asked. “Are you sure you can handle it? You’re barely able to sit up without passing out!”
“I need to see her!” I cried. She was my best friend for crying out loud!
“Well, if you can make it, I suppose you can…” Dad sighed. “However, you’ll only be able to stay for a bit. You’ve got someone coming to see you in a bit, so you’ll have to come home with me. Bella and Jack are staying a bit longer.”
“That’s fine.” I sighed. I wish I could’ve stayed longer, but this was better than nothing.
“Alright. If you feel like passing out, you need to tell someone. Got it?”
I nodded. Both Dad and Bella had to help me up. I had to lean on the both of them as they helped me out of bed, and over to the stairs. My worst enemy.
“Oh boy.” I said whilst trying to catch my breath. “These aren’t going to be fun…”
“How about I piggyback you the rest of the way?” Dad said. “I think you’ve pushed yourself enough for one day. I don’t need you in the hospital for falling down the stairs.”
“At least let me try.” I grumbled. My pride was getting the better of me. I refused to admit that I was that weak. “I can make it to the platform at least.”
There was a small platform that split the staircase in two. It was only a couple steps down. If I could make it there, surely I could make it the rest of the way. Before Dad or Bella could stop me, I took a cautious step down.
“Diane wait-” Bella started, but she was too late. I had made a dumb decision. I had a habit of putting all my weight on the foot that was stepping down, and leaning forward. This led to me falling down the stairs quite a bit, and it was about to happen again. Dad and Bella immediately tried to catch me before I fell too far forward. The scare of almost falling caused that good old heart sinking feeling, which led to a major chest pain.
“Argh!!” I collapsed backwards onto Dad, and he caught me. I was trying desperately to ease the pain, but it was taking its sweet time subsiding.
“Are you ok??” Bella leaned down next to me. She looked worried and angry at the same time.
“Fine…” I coughed. “S-sorry… I thought I could make it…”
Bella sighed. Dad had me get on his back, and he piggybacked me the rest of the way. He also gave me a lecture about my actions the whole way to the car, and for some of the ride to the hospital.
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