When we got there, Jack got me a wheelchair, and we headed down to see Robin. John was already with Robin, and man, did he ever look upset. The stress of what just happened made him look like he aged 10 extra years in the span of a day.
“Oh hey guys.” He said quietly. Robin was sleeping, so we all had to be quiet so we didn’t wake her up.
“H-how is she?” I asked. I was trying so hard not to cry. I had quickly noticed her bandaged arm, and it was hard to look at.
“She’ll be ok…” John sighed. “I’m just worried about her mental health. I should’ve seen it sooner that she wasn’t ok.”
“It’s not your fault.” Dad said to him. I could feel him then eye me. “Things happen, and sometimes we just can’t catch them in time, or they’re well hidden.”
“I suppose.” John looked over at me. “How are you, sweetie? I was pretty worried about you too after you passed out.”
“I’m ok.” I smiled weakly. “That happens all the time.”
“Blimey. Please do watch yourself.”
“Oh she will be, won’t you Diane?” Bella raised her brow at me. I laughed nervously before nodding. I guess she was still upset about the staircase incident. We ended up staying for about 15 minutes before Dad said it was time for me and him to go. Bella and Jack stayed behind. They were pretty close to Robin as well, so they wanted to be there for her. Dad said he’d be there to pick them up after my appointment. I gave Robin a small hug before leaving for home.
Of course, as luck would have it, we got stuck in a traffic jam. That was the downside to Toronto. We lived out of the city, so it wasn’t something we dealt with normally, but the hospital was almost in the center of the city, so traffic jams were bound to occur there. Dad was stressed out over this because it meant we were going to be late getting home. The dietician was going to get to our place before we did. We were almost out of the traffic jam when Dad’s phone went off.
“Can you answer that?” Dad asked me. Obviously he wasn’t going to use his phone while driving.
“Sure.” I picked up his phone from the cupholder and answered it. “Hello?”
“Hey!” A lady answered the phone. “Is David there?”
“He’s driving.” I said. “Can I ask who this is?”
“It’s Sheryl the dietician.” She answered. I held myself back from groaning. “Could you tell him that I made it to the house?”
“Yea. We’ll be there soon. We’re just getting out of a traffic jam.”
“Oh thats alright!” She replied. “I don’t mind waiting!”
“Ok. See you soon.” I said. She said goodbye and then hung up. “Sheryl made it to the house. She’s waiting for us.”
“Ok.” Dad groaned. He was upset about being late.
We showed up at the house a couple minutes later. Sure enough, there was a little red car waiting in the driveway, which I assumed was Sheryl’s. Dad parked right next to her. She saw us, and got out of her car to greet us.
“Wait for me to get you.” Dad said. “Don’t pull the same thing you did earlier.”
Dad got out of the car and went to greet Sheryl. I just sunk back in my seat and waited for him to help me out. Eventually he opened the door, and helped me out. Despite being shaky from anxiety, I was managing to stand. Right when I got out, I was face to face with Sheryl. She was a fairly tall dark skinned woman in her late 40’s at least. Her hair was short and had some seriously tight curls. I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. I hated people seeing me like this.
“You must be Diane?” She asked. It was clear she was trying to hide the concern she had. “Oh, were you who I was talking to earlier?”
“Yea.” I said shakily.
“Let’s head inside.” Dad said. “Diane needs to sit down.”
“Yes, I agree.” Sheryl said, She quickly got out of our way, and we headed inside. I wanted to go back to bed, but Dad made me stay on the couch downstairs. I already knew tackling the stairs later was going to be an issue. I was pretty tired out. Once everyone was settled, we did proper greetings, and started talking about the important stuff.
Don't you dare agree to go through with what that woman says. They only want you to become obese.
“So Diane!” She smiled. “Mind if I ask a couple questions just to get the general idea of what's going on?”
I nodded. I hadn’t really said much the whole time Sheryl was over. I was being relatively quiet.
"Are you normally this quiet?" She asked with a chuckle.
"I think she's scared." Dad said. He was right on the money. I was scared.
"Understandable." Sheryl said. "Well, don't be, ok? We'll take this slow. I won't make you do anything you really don't want to. Sound good?"
"...yea…" I nodded.
"Alright! So, let's start with eating habits. What are your eating habits like?"
"Um… I usually skip a lot of meals." I explained quietly. "I might eat maybe once a day… like soup or something. Though lately Dad’s been making me try for three meals, but I usually can only do two at the most."
“She usually only eats a bit of what she has.” Dad added. “I don’t think I’ve seen her finish a meal in quite a while.”
"So you don't really eat a lot, huh?"
"Well, I feel like I do." I muttered.
"That's the anorexia. It messes with how you see things. That's totally normal." Sheryl explained. She continued asking me questions about my habits, rules and anything related to my disorder. I won’t lie, it was hard to admit to the things I normally did, but Dad refused to let me lie. If he caught me lying he either corrected me or glared at me until I fixed it.
“Well… sounds like things aren’t going too well, huh?” Sheryl sighed. “So, you said you wanted to recover from home, correct?”
I nodded.
“Hm. Well that does make things more difficult. How determined are you to get better?”
“Uh…” Dad was glaring at me again. “I, um… I’m not…”
“Oh. Oh dear.” If Sheryl didn’t look worried before, she sure as hell did now. I looked over at Dad. I knew that he already knew I wasn’t trying. He wasn’t stupid. And if he was still going to be stern on our deal, then I was going to treatment. Thinking about it made me anxious.
“You remember our deal don’t you Diane?” Dad said. I could feel myself start to sweat as I nodded slowly.
“Deal?” Sheryl asked.
“She made the deal that if she wasn’t actually trying to recover at home then she’d be put in treatment.” Dad explained. “Looks like treatment is where you’re going, honey.”
NO!! DON’T LET THEM FORCE THIS ON YOU!!
“I-I don’t want to!” I stuttered. “I can’t!”
“Why can’t you?” Sheryl asked. She was clearly interested as to why I couldn’t. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a real reason.
“Um… I.... I just don’t want to…” I muttered. “I don’t want to recover…”
“Nobody ever does.” Sheryl said. “I won’t lie. It’s not a fun process, but it’s one that will save you. Surely living like this isn’t exactly fun is it?”
“Well no…” I said quietly.
“What if we worked on harm reduction?” Sheryl said. “You and your Dad can discuss treatment on your own later. For now, we’ll just work on getting you to a better place.”
I sighed. “Alright…”
Later, Sheryl had decided some good harm reduction plans. Whether or not I did them was up to me, but she was really pushing for me doing them. They were just small things like adding fruit or sugar in my oatmeal, or sticking with three meals a day. Even if they were small. After that, she had a private conversation with Dad before leaving. I could hear them talking about treatment options, which just made me more anxious. She said she worked in the eating disorder unit, so she could put in a good word and get me a bed fairly quickly. I tried to listen to everything they were saying, but couldn’t hear everything clearly.
Bitch. She’s trying to force this on you. She acts all gentle and then talks about forcing you into the hospital behind your back.
Shortly after Sheryl left, Dad came over to talk to me. I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about.
“So.” He started as he sat down. “What’s the plan?”
I shrugged. “I’m not going to the hospital. That’s for sure.”
“Oh? And what makes you think that?”
“I know I’m not.” I stated.
“And what if I said you were?”
“What??”
“Sheryl and I decided treatment is your best option.” Dad said. “She’s going to call tomorrow to give an admission date. I’m sorry Diane, but you need this. I already lost your mother. I’m not about to lose you too.”
NOOOO!!!
“B-but!” I spluttered. I couldn’t even put into words how upset I was! I couldn’t believe this!!
“Think about how you felt about Robin when you saw her earlier.” Dad said quietly. “That’s how I feel when I see you in this state. I’m sure Bella and Jack feel the same.”
“...Really?” Was I really hurting them that much? Was I really in that bad of a state?
Dad nodded. “Everyday, when I wake up, the first thing I do is check on you. And everytime I do, I fear you didn’t make it through the night. Do you know how hard that is??”
“...I had no idea…” I mumbled. I felt awful for what I was doing. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to make you worry…”
“I know you don’t. I don’t blame you at all.” Dad sighed. “It’s just something to think about, ok? Might help you realize why we’re trying so hard to get you to do better.”
Slowly, I nodded. I didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t know what to say at all. I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn’t want to think about it. It hurt too much. Quietly, I asked Dad if he could help me to bed. With a heavy sigh, he took hold of me, and carried me up the stairs. I was too tired to fight it. He told me goodnight, turned off the light, and let me sleep.
--
That night was not peaceful in the slightest. I tossed and turned all night as Dad’s words repeated in my head. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. I was the reason Robin attempted suicide. Had I not been such a nasty human being to her, she would’ve been in a better place. She didn’t deserve to go through that. I was tired of this. I wanted it all to stop. But why couldn’t I stop? What stopped me? The answer to that was myself. I stopped myself. And because I held myself back from taking proper care of myself, I hurt others. The only way to fix it was to stop holding myself back from what was basic human necessities.
Early that morning, I heard Dad get up. I heard his footsteps come from down the hallway, and down to my room. Quietly, he opened the door to my room and looked inside. I was facing the door, and saw him looking at me. There was an awkward pause before Dad said something.
“You’re awake?” He whispered. It was Saturday so Bella and Jack were sleeping in, and he didn’t want to wake them up.
After he said that, I don’t know what came over me, but I just broke down and started crying. He really did check on me every morning. Dad quietly came over to me and pulled me into a tight hug.
“It’s ok…” He comforted me.
“N-no… it’s not ok…” I sobbed. “I-I never wanted t-this! I… I want to stop… Make it stop…”
“You can make it stop.” Dad pulled back and looked me in the eye. “You just have to let people help you and give things a solid try.”
“I w-want to… I want to r-recover…” I sobbed. “N-not only for you guys… but Robin.. And m-myself…”
Even I couldn’t believe what I had just said. Diana’s voice immediately exploded in my head, but I was crying too hard to listen to her.
“All of us are with you every step of the way then.” Dad pulled me into another hug and we sat in silence for the early hours of the morning.
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