Author: Commander Marty

Genre: Action/fantasy/drama

What I liked about this book:

Jervis is a fun character. He's fun. He's the prototypical action hero. He's an adventurer. I like that, and there's definitely a place for it. I think we need more stories with characters like Jervis.

This also sounds like it was a really fun D&D campaign for whoever was running it.

What I did NOT like about this book:

The mechanics here don't work for me, like, at all.

I don't think there was a single paragraph that was more than a sentence long. There is no craft in any of the writing. It reads like one long description. Apart from that there are some significant spelling and grammar errors throughout the piece.

I was given no description or insight to any of the characters in the book, just taken from scene to scene. The way it was written kind of reminded me of notes from a D&D campaign. It sounds like a really fun D&D campaign, but it's not really a story.

If you are going to write a novel, I need more than this. Tell me what's in your character's head. What do they smell? What do they hear? Is the ground soft and grassy under their feet, or hard? Does the light hurt their eyes? Flesh out these little details so I can really immerse myself in the world you're building.

Though, honestly, and this might be a hot take...I think this would make a way better comic. I can see the story you're trying to tell me and I don't think it works as well in a novel format. I think if this were turned into a comic it would be a lot easier to get invested in, and I think you would have more fun with it.

I get the impression you're young. There's time to improve here so if you REALLY are invested in writing books vs making a comic, don't listen to me. Craft takes time to perfect, you'll get there.

Overall:

This doesn't work as a novel for me.

Rating:

1/10. Don't take that to heart, I just don't think this really works as a book.