The first time I hear Lianna's name I'm sitting in the back of English with one earbud in. It's two weeks into the first semester and so far I hate everything about high school. Being a Freshman isn't easy when every other class has an agenda to ruin all Freshmens.
But being a Freshman isn't as bad as being the slut of the school.
I wouldn't remember this day if it hadn't been for the two guys sitting behind me. They dropped out Junior year and their names never stuck, but they ran with the dope crowd. Selling, parties, getting high—it was all they ever talked about. And fucking. Fucking came up a lot.
I'd tried to tune them out, but for some reason, I couldn't switch my mind from them.
And then they said her name.
"Lianna Coates—she was all over me man."
"Come on. Was she that easy?"
"Didn't even have to slip one in. I got her to the room and she did everything else."
"Fuck man. I need to try her. I can't believe she's in our class."
After that, I heard something new about her everywhere I went. She slept with this guy or they caught her smoking in the girls' bathroom—all the talk made it hard to not think about her.
But I'd somehow managed to forget her. My world was too small for her. I'd pushed her name and every detail of her escapades through the years from my memory.
I have no idea why she became a legend. I didn't fucking care.
The bathroom door slams shut after Zoey and Trisha. Their perfume still lingers.
I think about what I've seen and what I've heard. I think I should forget it. Like I've always done. There is not a time where I thought gossip was worth losing my head over. This time isn't different. Maybe it's naive of me to pretend the faults in my small world don't exist. I'm not scared.
I'm just not sure what I can do. Or what anyone can do because it's Lianna's fault. She's the one who's started this by sleeping around.
Lianna turns to the mirror. Through the crack between the wall and the stall door, I peer. My line of sight broadens and I can see her hand moving down to her pants. She looks toward the door—like she expects Trisha and Zoey to storm back in to get the last word.
They don't.
Instead, the room falls into silence. Deafening silence. The kind that keeps me up at night, wondering what I should do with my life. The kind of silence where I lie in bed with the covers drawn up over my face.
When I'm lying in that silence, I wonder what it would feel like to push the sheets into my mouth and stop breathing. Those nights feel like this moment. A feeling creeps under my skin as I watch Lianna freeze before the sink. She tucks her long hair behind her ear for the second time in a row. The feeling is fire in my veins; a blaze I can't put out.
No matter how hard I try, I can't look away as she unbuttons her pants. My eyes are glued to her hand as it disappears into her underwear.
Her hand shoots under for a brief second. She pulls out a small ziplock bag.
To my relief, it's full of cigarettes and nothing else. Maybe I shouldn't be so shocked. This is Lianna Coates, the girl who did anything and everything because she can. The thing I've heard over the years are only confirmed. For some odd reason—another thing I can't understand—I feel sorry. Whether it's for her or for having to watch her—it doesn't matter. I don't know why I'm sorry. It makes me want to cry in frustration for not knowing.
The wisps of her hair blows back from her face. A gust of wind from the bathroom window catches her attention and she walks to the opposite side of the room. I sit back on the toilet, clutching my pants and the wad of toilet paper. The blood dripping down my leg had been forgotten during Lianna and Zoey's exchange. Now, I can't draw my attention away from it. The drop of blood tickles my thigh as it slid down to my calf. The entire time, I hold my breath. I can't risk making a sound. It shouldn't be a big deal. This is the girls' bathroom, but my heart is racing, my head pounding. I can't think straight. Every time I think about doing something—like wiping the damn blood and getting the hell out of there—I freeze. I can't predict Lianna. I don't know what she'll do.
The window creaks open. Something slams on the wall and I hear the plastic bag open.
I smell the smoke first. It's sweet, different from what I've smelled at my uncle's house. The smoke drifts between the crack in the stall like a snake slithering through water. I hold my breath. The sweet smell is laced with her perfume. It's her essence. I don't want it in me.
My thoughts drift back to the other day.
Liza places her tray on the lunch table and sits down beside me. Her bag bumps my side. I poke the mash potatoes as I try to not think about how warm she feels. Her perfume smells the same as always. A hint of lemon and lime. It reminds me too much of summer.
"Are you okay?" She touches my shoulder.
I nod. "I'm fine. Just thinking."
The lie comes easy. I don't have to think about it.
She smiles. She never assumes what I'm trying to hide behind my own fake smile. I don't think she could ever know what it's like to feel like I do now. She's too absorbed in her own love life to see anything outside her small scope. To prove my point, a tall boy walks by our table. Her eyes go straight for him.
She bites her lip and tries to hide her face behind her hand. I don't want to spoil her mood by telling her the boy hasn't even noticed her.
But it doesn't stop me from feeling a cruel sense of satisfaction.
Our conversation drifts from homework to what we're doing after school. Mindless things would get us nowhere, but it's fun to spend my time with her. While there's no point in getting attached, I want to lose myself to the empty days. My hope is these days will never end. Summer didn't last; it was over before it could truly start. This is our Senior year, the last chance I have before Liza is off to college and I'm tied to a job. This is the last year we're kids.
Lianna's perfume smells nothing like Liza's. Lemon and limes, citrus, paired with lavender and sugar, sweet. It's like mixing ice cream with ketchup. And the more I think about Liza's smile the more I see Lianna's smirk.
I have to get out of this bathroom. I have to get out of this fucking school before I lose my mind.
Scratches and pen marks litter the stall wall. Beneath the writing, the gray paint chips from the metal. I read the words, not because I want to, but because I feel compelled to learn every sentence. Slut. Whore. Words about girl who I've never knew are carved into this wall for the enjoyment of others. And there are more. There are more in the other stalls, more in the other bathrooms. It is a never-ending circle of hate I can't escape.
Lianna has to be among them. She is the one above all others. Somehow, she's become the face of their kind.
The smell changes. Her sweet candy perfume melts and drifts as a disgusting waft of the city comes through the window. I wince. My nose burns from the fumes and it tickles from the smoke.
I slap my hand over my nose, pinching it as hard as I can. The tingles grow until every inch of my nasal cavity is screaming for relief.
Her shoes tap against the floor. Each step brings her closer to my stall. The sneeze creeps closer. I shake my head, refusing to give in. It isn't my choice. My body fights against me.
Her shadow fades into the floor, drifting closer with each passing second. I can hear her breath in, her breath so heavy. She exhales, taking her time to roll the smoke over her lips in a sensual move. Even though I am disgusted by her, I want to reach out for her. I want to take the cigarette from her hand and place it between my own lips. The visual makes my heart race and I can't understand it at all. These thoughts were different, stranger than anything I've envisioned before.
But I can't think about it too long. The pain floods back to my abdomen.
The sneeze is forgotten, disappearing along with the strange thoughts. I wrap my arms around my waist and squeeze.
I think I can push the pain out, put it out with the blood, but it is still there. Every time this happens, I think it will kill me. This time is no different.
She stops in front of the sink once more. Her hair falls down her back and she brushes her fingers through the thin strands. Time slows to a melodic pace, pulling in the air around her. My throat is crushed by the taste in the air. Her smell, the smoke, and the city mix to make a toxic spell that drags me further into a hazy state of mind.
I wait for her to leave, to do something other than stand in front of the mirror looking at herself. Agitation enters my blood, shifting my feet, and twirling my fingers. Then, when she moves away from the sink and grabs her belt. She turns to the stall I'm in. I hold my breath. My hand slaps over my mouth. A muffled sound comes out.
The pain has replaced my need to sneeze. I can no longer kid myself into thinking this can be turned into something other than a fucking mess. It seems like fate just didn't want me to have any peace.
I keep my legs still. I think it's over when I hear her walk to the door.
The door opens.
I let out a sigh and let my head drop. My shoulders sag as the weight is lifted from them. I never thought I would be held hostage in the girls' bathroom. I never thought I would be this close to Lianna. And it had been just a few minutes. Even so, all my energy has been drained from my body. I feel like a husk. Like I could be tossed away. I almost want it. Sluggish and tired, I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. My whole reason for coming here was to fix my slight problem.
I look at my stained underwear and the residue on my thighs.
There is no way of getting around this. It isn't like I can will it away or pretend it doesn't exist. Nature would have its way no matter how much trouble it causes me.
Just as I reach for the toilet paper again, the bathroom door slams. I jump, but I don't react fast enough. Before I have time the time to pull my pants up, the bathroom stall swings in, almost hitting me in the face. I jerk back with my hands clutching the band of my jeans. They're pulled as far as they'll go, just under my knees. It's only enough to cover my crotch.
My entire chest drops to my stomach.
She's right in front of me, standing with her hand on her hip and the cigarette in the other. Her hair sweeps across her shoulders and the way she's looking down at me made me want to crawl into the toilet.
"Did that bitch send you to spy on me?" She sucks down the cigarette as she leans against the stall wall.
I can only stare at her, my mouth gaping. She snorts at my pitiful state. I can only imagine what I look like. Sitting on a toilet while blood drips down my leg. It has to be the most humiliating thing I've ever experience and for it to happen in front of Lianna made it worse.
"I-I-"
I gulp down the words stuck in my throat, praying this moment will get over with. Fate is toying with me. It has to be.
When I look up, she's still there. Not a mirage like I'd hoped she was. I don't know why I would hallucinate about this, but maybe it's the smoke causing me to go insane. It's a better excuse than believing this is truly happening.
Her eyes glisten in a strange way that makes my pulse spike. I'm not afraid of what she could do, but there is something about her gaze that is predator-like. Her lips trail against the cigarette. She pulls it away from her face and crushes it against the wall. The ash falls like snow to the floor. It leaves a streak covering scribbled words I can't see. Her eyes lower, eyelashes fluttering against her pearly cheeks. For the first time, I notice the difference in our skin tones. She's light but warm as the sun. The gloss on her lips adds dimension while my naked ones look boring against my tan skin. Jealousy surges through my veins. Everything about her is so much better. It almost aches to look at her.
I'm beginning to understand her appeal.
There is a spark in her eyes that triggers her body to move back. She reaches into her back pocket and tosses a small object.
My hands come up to catch it, causing my pants to slide down. I grab them once more, but I don't catch the object at the same time. It hits me square in the chest and plops into my lap. I stare at it. My cheeks burn. I have no ounce of courage to throw it back.
"No need to thank me," she says, grinning. It doesn't look right. Not at all.
"Um..." The tampon might as well be a snake by the look on my face. "I've never..."
Her laugh shocks me. She's doing that a lot.
She smiles like she means every second of it. Not the way I see others smile, with a hint of sadness or trickery. It is too genuine of a smile for her to wear. The uneasy feeling I get from it is enough to make me lean back, putting more distance between us. Though it's more comical than I want it to be.
"You better learn." She looks at the wad of toilet paper in my hand, folded neatly. She knows the plan, the desperate thoughts I've been thinking. "You don't have a choice, do you?"
The stall door swings close. Her footsteps fade and the bathroom door slams shut, but this time there's a satisfying close.
I hold my breath again, waiting for her to storm back in. So many thoughts race through my mind and I can't grasp onto any of them.
And then there's the anger. My blood is a river of lave in my veins, burning me from the inside out. Lianna's smirk is prominent, never fading no matter how had I try to get her out of my head. I don't know her. I don't know a single thing about Lianna Coates, but it seems like everyone else does.
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