The cold damp bathroom floor isn’t what I had in mind when I wanted “private time”. I’m too hung up on Lianna’s words and the look on her face to think about anything else really. My head falls back against the stall wall. The tampon rustles in my hand as I turn it over in my fingers. I don’t want to use it. I don’t want to be in this situation in the first place. For the past year, I’ve been running from it all. I ran from nature and the world. Chang is just the hardest thing to deal with.
I look down at the tampon.
Lianna is the last person I want help from. But now I can’t give it back. Maybe I should have. I wouldn’t feel so shitty and I wouldn’t have a problem about how I’m going to get this in…well…
I push down my pants to my ankles. The cold air drifts between my thighs and up. My hand lifts my shirt and I hold it still with my chin. Goosebumps pop up around my stomach and my hips.
A lump forms at the back of my throat. As I stare at the tampon I can’t help but think about her. I want her out of my head. I didn’t want anything to do with her. They could talk about her all they wanted, but why did it have to be around me?
And why was it her that decided to be nice to me when I would have been fine with her being a bitch?
The questions running in my head couldn’t compete with the image of her confident smile. She is drilled into my mind.
I take a deep breath, poise the tampon between my thighs, and push up.
The tip hit resistance and the pain came shooting up.
“Fuck. Shit.”
I pull my hand back only to see it covered in red. Wincing, I yank at the toilet roll and wipe my hand off. The fucking tampon was a no-go, not even if Lianna could convince me with her smug face. Now it hurt down there worse than before.
But the ache was different.
My face burns as I fold a wad of toilet paper and place it in my underwear. The makeshift pad isn’t going to work. It won’t last ten minutes, but it would have to do.
I yank my pants up and flush, tossing the tampon into the trash. The empty bathroom is what I need, but I can still feel her here. Her perfume lingers and so does her voice. The distinct notes of the aroma pull me into a dreamland state. I glance at myself in the mirror as I wash my hands. I’m a ghost drifting in and out of reality. My face looks like I haven’t slept in days and my entire body aches with pain. Thankfully, I had the mind to slip Ibuprofen in my pocket this morning.
I pop three in my mouth and drink from the sink. The pills go down easier than I’d imagined.
When I look back in the mirror, I’m not surprised by my blank face. My hair, a tangle of brown curls, only makes me feel more like I’m losing my mind. Liza crosses my thoughts, only a flicker of curiosity about what she’s doing right now. I will myself to think of her no longer. There is no easy way to forget her, no way that I can just push her from my memory like everything else. The gossip and the meaningless talk others speak about never stays with me longer than a few minutes. But every word from Liza’s mouth makes me wonder. I overanalyze every sentence. I hate myself for it.
My hand grazes the corner of the sink where Lianna had placed her belt. The cool surface brings a strange sensation of warmth. The feeling fades. There’s no point in going to class now. I’m beyond late, but I couldn’t wait here.
I throw my bag over my shoulder, hesitating only as I push the bathroom door open. The brief moment seems to hold the entire world suspended. The air has changed to cold and bleak. Inside the confines of the bathroom, I feel the last of summer sunshine die away.
I look to the window where Lianna had lit her cigarette. Dark heavy clouds have appeared in the once blue sky. Droplets fall, splattering against the window.
Summer has truly ended.
***
The rain hasn’t stopped. It pours down my window, flooding the ledge that’s protected by the edge of the roof. A river has formed and it leads into a small waterfall that spills over the side. I watch it from my bed, my arm tucked under my head and my cheek pressed against my pillow. My earbuds dig into my ear, but it’s a small sacrifice I’m willing to take. The soft melody of a piano fills my mind, easing me away from the horrors of the day. Watching the rain and forgetting all that has happened is the one thing I welcome. There’s no fight between what is wrong or right. There is no internal struggle with my own feelings.
There is only me.
I close my eyes and wait for sleep to pull me under.
The moment I wake up, I know the rain has stopped and that my playlist has ended. There's no fuzziness clouding my thoughts. I know reality hasn’t altered. It’s a disappointment. A small part of me had hoped it would be different once I woke from my long nap. It is almost painful to realize that hoping has changed nothing.
The evening sky feels small from my bedroom window. My room, only big enough to fit my twin bed and desk, feels even smaller in the dark. I don’t want to turn the light on. I don’t know why or what would happen if I did, but I want to stay in this moment. This hazy feeling makes it hard to think about anything. It’s pleasant for the first time. This high doesn’t last, this feeling is too good for it to last longer than tonight. Tomorrow will be today, only with a slight variation. It will be the same as yesterday. Back when things were simple and boring. The way it should always be.
The front door opens and slams shut. I hear Mom’s voice. Her keys jingles as she places her purse on the kitchen table. The door slams again. It’s Dad, carrying what sounds like grocery bags. Their voices are faint words I can’t even attempt to decipher.
I turn on my side and slip my earbuds back in. I can’t hear them anymore.
My eyes drift closed. The world around me becomes nothing but white noise. There is no need for music at this point. Music would make me think too much. Silence. The silence is the only thing helping me from losing my sanity.
The minutes roll by with ease. My mind stays within its own lane, drifting in and out of sleep. There’s no satisfaction for my body. Each ache is a spike and sets my crotch on fire. The disgusting feeling never leaves me, but I hold onto the silence. If I think about anything, I won’t be able to stop. My struggle becomes a full-fledged war.
I roll to my other side. The thoughts are drifting closer. I can feel them sparking in the foreground, in the shadows of my conscious. The silence shields me as much as it can, but it isn’t strong enough to keep the thoughts at bay.
He is the first thing to break through.
It could have been anything. It could have been Liza, my pending depression, or even fucking Lianna. It could have been anything but him.
The world hates me. That is a fact.
It doesn’t make any difference if I block his face or the memory of his scratchy skin. The memory never fades as others do. It’s a prominent scar, a laceration I can see perfectly on my body.
The silence has failed me. My thoughts have won over and the images running through my head are turning bleak.
A boom of thunder jerks me out of my hazy state. For a second, I’m lost in the crackle of lightning and the tapping of rain on my window. I open my eyes to see the spectacle. The world lights up in a flash of white light, more breathtaking than the flowers blooming. They come too late this summer, ticked by the cold weather we had at the end of May. Now that they are ready to start their life, everyone else has withered away. There is still time for them to thrive, to live a short life, but it won’t be the same. Every time I think about the past, I find a sign. The signs shouldn’t mean anything to me. They are coincidences, mere happenings that shouldn’t be connected. But I piece them together like they’re part of the same puzzle. The sudden change in weather is like a jabbing finger. Summer is long gone and Winter is heading here fast.
The shadows of my room are a standstill. Time holds memories at bay, pushing them back to the past where they belong. It is too much for me to handle. To think about any of it right now makes it hard to fall back asleep. My eyes won’t close. They stare out the window, watching as the city is soaked with cold rain. Beyond this city, somewhere past the places I know, there has to be an answer to all this sadness rising within me. I feel sick with the feeling inside. Nothing can stop the tears from falling. No matter what I tell myself or what I think about, I can’t fight the sudden burst of sobs that wracked my entire body.
I don’t know when I fall asleep. It feels like a dream when I wake. My room and my bed are out of focus. They seem so far away though they are right in front of me.
I take a steaming shower which leaves my skin red and my nose runny. I dress in a t-shirt I find on my bathroom counter and a pair of jeans on my bedroom floor. I slip on my only shoes which are separating at the sole. My bag sits at my door, waiting for me to sling it over my shoulder. I can hear my unfinished homework shaming me.
The bus ride numbs the rest of my senses. My music can’t drown out the screams of children or the retaliation of the bus driver. I have to endure every aching second of the exchange, praying it will end sooner than it had the day before. Every week it gets worse.
First period passes. Second, third, and fourth are a blur of faces and voices.
By the time I buy my lunch—a serving of mash potatoes and a cup of water—I’ve gone through ten albums. I’m two songs into the eleventh.
I sit down next to Liza. Our lunch table is shared with Liza’s other friends. If I try, I might be able to remember their names. There are two guys, Darren, the one with dark curly hair and Levi, the jokester who thinks he’s a lady killer. The three girls, who all look like sisters, are part of the theater group. They’re serious about their acting, to the point I can’t tell when they’re in character or if they’re annoying by nature. Liza carries a conversation with them as if it doesn’t kill her every aching second.
Oh. That’s because it doesn’t. She’s not the weird one. I am.
I tuck my arms around my chest. The sleeves of my hoodie fall over my fingertips, hiding the last of my body. Dressed all in black, I hope I will blend into the background. But I stand out more in these clothes than if I’d worn something normal. Everyone else is still dressing in summer clothes. They are still hiding behind an illusion.
The conversation involves too much about parties to keep my attention for long. The girls talk excitingly about the upcoming fall dance and there’s a group project coming up in English. These topics would have been the center of my attention just last year. Something has changed, something that I can’t put my finger on. The sick feeling inside of me points in a direction I don’t want to explore. I have an inkling of it, but I can’t bring myself to even think of it as a possibility.
I pull my sleeves down until they’re hanging off my arm. My fingers get lost in my hoodie and I stare down at my lunch. Their voices become mumbles. Not even Lianna’s perfume could bring me back from the darkness. My eyes cross. The blurry vision numbs my thoughts all for just a second before I’m jolted out of it.
I began to think about him before I snapped out.
Liza frowns. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
She places her hand on my forehead for the first time in a year. The close contact brings me hurdling into reality. Her skin burns against mine. The light touch of her fingers brings me back to when we were little. Time has flown by faster than I ever thought possible. Years become seconds and as I look at her now, I can’t help but wish I’d done something different. I want to take back all the time and throw it away at a chance to change our future. I know it would involve separation. It would be a fantasy if I ever though Liza would be a part of my life forever or that she would want me in her life. One look in her eyes and I can see she doesn’t know about the connection between us. It has only ever been one-sided.
Her urge to hover and to coddle me is more comforting than it’s annoying. I know she means well and it’s only an instinct for her. Perhaps I give off the energy of an injured animal. I know I look like I’m in pain most of the time.
She presses harder against my forehead, moving my hair out of the way.
“I’m fine,” I say, pushing her hand away. My sleeve acts as a barrier between our skin. I can still feel the warmth. It’s hotter than the sun.
She gives me a look. “Yeah. Sure.”
Her gaze makes it hard to ignore her.
What happened years ago, it isn’t just some memory I can push to the back of my mind and forget. Liza has no idea and it should stay that way. Talking about it will only make it worse.
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just the weather. It’s got me down.”
It isn’t a complete lie. But it isn’t the answer she is looking for. By the way she rolls her eyes, she knows.
She leaves me alone. Her attention slides back to her other friends while I sit in silence. I take a drink, swishing the liquid back and forth as I punish myself for acting like an idiot. My awkwardness is reaching its peak and I can see it affecting everyone around me. They are watching me, looking at me like I’m some freak. I can’t blame Liza for wanting to drop me. I’m a disease infecting all the good things in her life. If the roles reversed, I’d do the same.
Comments (0)
See all