It takes me a few seconds for my heart to settle and to regain the courage to head downstairs. I at least know it will be a while until Lianna comes down. Maybe I'll be lucky and I won’t have to see her for the rest of the morning.
I enter the kitchen as Mom comes around the corner. She opens the fridge and pulls out the gallon of milk.
“Hey, good morning,” she says and leans over to kiss me. I stand stock still as her lips press against my cheek. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine,” I say. She gives me a look I pretend not to see.
I walk around the counter and pull a bagel from the bag. I pop the slices into the toaster and rest back against the edge of the island. My bag feels like it’s carrying a ton. I thought I’d gotten a good nights sleep. After running into Lianna, it's as if I hadn’t slept at all.
Mom pours herself a cup of coffee, being extra generous with the milk. She sets the milk down and grabs the sugar. As she empties two spoonfuls in, she looks up.
“Lianna is nice.”
It’s actually hard not to let out a snort. I turn my back to her. I let myself roll my eyes without the fear of the consequences.
“Really?” I look around at the almost bare kitchen counter. I need something to do. Something that will make her go away.
I pick the first clean cup I see in the cabinet and a package of cherry blossom tea. It smells horrible. I’ll regret it later once I can’t do anything about it.
Mom is stirring her coffee, wearing the same look as before. I hate when she gets that look. It’s like she can tell I’m lying to her face, but she’s not even close to guessing what it is. She can see I’m tired, that I’m fading away, but she doesn’t get half of the things swarming me.
I also hate how I sound. It’s typical. Like it’s almost unbelievable how much I sound like a broken tape spitting words from an old classic movie.
The depressed teen part got old the moment it was a thing.
I toss the tea bag into the cold water. I shove the cup into the microwave. My eyes go cross as I watch the mug turn round and round.
“Maya…” She’s behind me. I flinch as she touches my shoulder.
I'm cold when she’s around. I can’t tell if I’m numb or if I’ve lost all sense of feeling. But I know I can still feel. I know because when Lianna is around, my blood boils and my chest wants to explode.
“You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?”
I don’t answer quick enough. I should say yes now and let her forget. But my throat hurts. Tears are burning at the back of my eyes and I don’t know what to do.
I look down at my hands. The bagel pops up in the toaster.
When our eyes meet, I know I’ve fucked up. She’s getting closer to the edge, getting closer to her endpoint. She’s going to do something about all this. Maybe she’ll make me go see a counselor. Maybe she’ll give me a talk or make me socialize in a group. I don’t know exactly what she’s going to do, but I know it’s nothing I want to be a part of.
I have to get out of here. That’s all I can do to make this better.
I give her a chaste kiss on the cheek. “I said I’m good, Mom. Believe me, okay?”
I pull the biggest smile I can muster. My stomach churns from trying too hard.
The look in her eyes tells me she’s got something she wants to say. I know she’s holding it back, fighting to keep it hidden until she can unleash it in private when I’m not around. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror. Now I know where I’ve gotten this fear from. But when it was passed to me, it went haywire. No longer can it function properly. It can’t be contained.
I almost laugh. I’m a fucking freak. Everyone knows it. I know it. Mom knows it.
Lianna and the rest of school knows it.
It might as well be carved on my forehead.
Mom pulls me into a hug.
“Whoa!” I yell out. Her coffee sloshes over the side and splashes on the floor.
“I love you,” she says while pressing her face against mine. “Don’t forget it.”
I swallow thickly. My arms are spread out, unsure where they should go. And I’m just standing here for this to get over with while also thinking how horrible of a person I am. To make up from my lack of sympathy, I pat her back.
The silence is suffocating. Her arms tighten and she lets out a contented sigh.
She pulls back, her hands grabbing my shoulders. I’m staring at the ground, trying to find a way to evade any more of this human contact.
I don’t have to search long because my saving grace comes stomping down the stairs. I already know who it is by the certain way she walks and because before she turns around the corner I hear her voice.
Lianna is wearing the same jeans as yesterday. She’s swapped her shirt for a pink blouse with flowers embroidered along the collar. She wears a gold chain around her neck which matches the gold clips holding back her bangs. The only bag she carries is a blue gym bag. It’s as big as her torso.
Mom wipes her eyes.
“Oh. Morning, Lianna.” Lianna’s mom enters soon after. “And Carol.”
“Morning, Mrs. Rivers.”
I turn my back to them. Mom doesn’t recognize the telling signs when Lianna is up to no good. Lianna’s good at hiding them.
I focus on finishing the cherry blossom tea and my bagel, but it’s hard to get down a bite. The bagel is plain and my tea isn’t exactly hot. This morning is only going to get worse if I know anything.
Car keys jingle.
“I’m gonna give Lianna a ride up to the school. I could give Maya a ride too.”
“That’s a relief. I think it’s going to rain,” Mom says. She slurps down her coffee. “I don’t have the time to go across town. Which—”
She digs in her purse. She checks her phone. “I need to go.”
She kisses me on the cheek. “See you after school.”
My back is still turned to Lianna and Carol. I guess I have to face them down.
Thanks, Mom.
The only one I feel sorry for is Carol.
I grit my teeth and try to look as alive as I possibly can. Then, I turn around.
This isn’t a good start. To anything and definitely not to the beginning of this relationship.
Lianna is grinning as per usual. I’m surprised it isn’t stitched to her face from how much she does it. Seeing her smile brings mixed feelings. On one hand, it makes me hate smiling more and on the other, it makes my stomach twist with a disgusting feeling.
I lean back against the counter and try not to look too frightened by the prospect of talking to strangers. They’re living in my house. I have to get used to them sometime.
My hand shakes just a little as I hold tightly onto my bagel.
Carol’s smile is nice. It doesn’t make my anxiety any better.
I hike my smile up higher to meet hers. “I think I might walk but thanks.”
“Are you sure?” Carol sits her bag on the island. She’s wearing a blue uniform. I think she might be a cook somewhere.
I nod.
Lianna juts in. “It’s going to rain.”
Her smile falls.
I meet her eyes. I struggle to keep the smile on my lips a little longer. When I look at her, I feel like I need to be serious. She looks more threatening than anyone I’ve ever met. That includes Zoey and Trisha.
Trisha is more like a small dog. Zoey is the serial killer holding the leash.
He briefly crosses my mind.
Carol checks her phone, frowns, and then searches through her bag. “Lia, have you seen my name tag?”
“No.”
Carol sighs and snaps her pose shut. “I’ve gotta run back upstairs. Be ready to go when I get back.”
As I watch Carol disappear from the room, I know I’m going to be in trouble.
It’s as if a switch has been turned. Lianna walks around the island, running her hand along the countertop edge. She stops when she’s right in front of me. Our feet are a few inches away from touching. I stare down into my cup.
She leans down and takes a bite from my bagel.
I jerk it away from her mouth at the last second. I grimace at her teeth marks.
“You’re disgusting.”
She’s still bent at the waist. She looks up at me, cheek slightly bulging from the bagel bite, and her lips shining with gloss.
“You like it.” She swallows the bagel. It goes down rough and she gags. “Ew. I’m the disgusting one? You’re eating a bagel with nothing on it.”
I roll my eyes and turn away from her. There are a hundred thoughts running through my head and I can’t focus on any of them. My heart is racing, pounding against my chest. I think I might pass out if I don’t start breathing properly. My fingers are twitching and my faces burning. Bile pushes at the back of my tongue.
“Are you mad at me?”
I fully angle myself at the microwave. She’s following me, edging closer until she’s just a step away.
“Is it the bagel or because I showed you reality?”
I slam my hands down.
“Just shut up.”
“No. Listen.” She grabs me. I pull my hand away. “Can you at least look at me?”
I turn but don’t look up.
“I’m sorry.”
I cross my arms. “Doesn’t change a thing.”
“But it’s something right?” When I don’t answer, she steps back.
“Take the car ride. It’s not for me. It for my mom.”
I furrow my brows. “Why for her?”
She shrugs. “She doesn’t like leaving girls to walk alone. Stuff happened to her.”
I twist the skin on my pinky.
“Okay.”
Though I don’t see the moment she smiles, I hear it in her voice.
“Finally. For a non-talker, you sure do cause a lot of trouble for me.” She knocks me gently upside the head with her knuckles.
I swerve my head to block it. Our eyes meet.
My tongue gets stuck in my throat. Her eyes roam over my face.
Those blue eyes, they’re more beautiful than my own. More beautiful than anything I’ve seen in a while. And if they weren’t attached to her, maybe I would let myself fall in love with them. But she’s here and her name is tainted. I can never imagine being friends with her.
I wish for just a second I could change that.
She leans toward me. I don’t stop her hands when they brace against the counter behind me. I let her dip down and brush her lips across my cheek. My breath hitches. I try to hold my breath and my chest quivers as she presses her lips to the corner of my mouth.
She pauses there with her body pressing against mine. The way her hair brushes against my ear distracts me from the awkward position.
His face flashes in the back of my head. She’s still at the forefront, but I know I can’t stand here forever.
A fever spreads down to my toes. The breath I’m holding can’t be held for much longer. I fear she might smell my bad breath. It’s a stupid thought.
Then, she pulls away.
I let out the held breath.
“I don’t like you,” I say as I turn my head.
She laughs. “Let me down gently, please.”
I glare.
Carol’s footsteps ring from the top of the stairs. Lianna knows just what to do. She drops her hands from the counter and stands back as Carol enters the kitchen. Carol is focused on pinning her found name tag to the top of her shirt. She stops to grab her purse.
She looks at us.
“Well?” She spreads her arms and then gestures to the back door. “Let’s go then.”
Lianna grabs my hand.
I don’t have time to grab the rest of my bagel before I’m dragged out the back door.
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