The next couple days were uneventful. I couldn’t do much, nor did I want to. I was a little more able to get around, but hardly ever did get up. I didn’t see a point. I had completely forgotten about school, despite it being only a month away from exams, and stopped caring about what happened to me. I was tired of life by this point. All that it consisted of was being forced to eat small amounts at the very least, sleep, and meltdowns. I did spend quite a bit of time wondering if Robin was doing ok. She was supposed to be out of hospital by that time, but I hadn’t heard anything from her.
One afternoon, I was just about to head for a nap when I heard someone knocking on the front door. Jack and Bella were at school, and Dad was at work, so I had to get the door. With a grunt, I pulled myself out of bed and grabbed the walking stick I had by my bed. I hated the stupid thing, but it helped me get around. Slowly, I made my way down the stairs and to the door. By the time I got there, I was heavily out of breath, and shaky as fuck. I opened the door, and to my surprise, saw Robin.
“Robin!” I was so happy to see her, and tried to give her a hug, but I basically fell on her instead. “Oh my god! I’m so happy to see you’re ok!”
“Blimey, Diane!” Robin laughed. “Chill out! I’m ok!”
“I was so, so scared you actually died…” I started sobbing in her shoulder, and Robin sighed and gave me a hug.
“Don’t worry.” She said. “I’m ok now. Now, how about we go sit down somewheres? I can tell you’re quite shaky.”
“Y-yea…” I laughed weakly. Robin let me lean on her as we walked down to the living room and sat down on the couch. As a so-called blanket queen, I spotted a blanket, and immediately claimed it as mine.
“I was wondering when you were gonna stop by.” I said as I wrapped myself up in the blanket. “I was starting to get worried”
"Haha, I would've stopped by earlier, but dad wanted me to stay home and take a break after I got out of the hospital."
"When did you get out?" I asked.
"Two days ago." Robin replied. "Believe me, am I happy to be out. It sucked in there. And I can finally go back to my normal antidepressant dosage which is a relief."
"Oh, yea." I giggled. "I heard you were pretty out of it."
Robin nodded. "Out of it is one way to put it."
I laughed. John had stopped by the day after the attempt to give us all an update. He had explained that Robin had been a little dopey whilst she was there. I was happy to see she wasn’t dopey now.
"So? How are things for you?" Robin asked hesitantly.
"How about you tell me about you first." I replied. I wanted to know how Robin really was. She had a tendency of hiding things. "You really worried me! I ran over there as fast as I could!"
"You ran?" Robin said in disbelief. "Bloody hell! Diane! How in the world did you manage that? You didn't hurt yourself did you?"
"Adrenaline kicked in." I shrugged. "And no, I'm fine. Just small chest pains, which is normal. And I passed out. But that’s besides the point."
Robin sighed. "Bloody hell Diane… learn to watch yourself…"
"Oh you're the one to talk." I said. "So, how are things? You can vent all you need. I’m here to listen."
"That’s fair." Robin laughed. "But, anyways, I'm doing ok. Definitely won't be pulling another attempt anytime soon."
"You better not."
"I won't. Besides, I think things are starting to look up a bit. Dad told me you were eating a bit more. Your dad told him when he came to visit. That's a pretty big improvement. And I can finally move my wrist again. It really hurt for a bit. And we aren't fighting. So yea. Things are getting better."
"That's good." I sighed. "Just, please. If you ever get to a dark place like that again, call me. Text me. Do whatever. I don't care. I'll be happy to listen and help."
"I've done my fair share of venting to the therapists at the hospital this week. I think I'll be good for a while."
"Fair point." I laughed. There was a silence, and a question I had for a while started bouncing around in my head again. I took a deep breath and quietly asked, "So… can I ask why you did it?"
Robin sighed. "I figured you would ask that. I just don't want you blaming yourself, ok?"
"I won't. Or at least no more than I already am."
"... I didn't want to see you die. Having to see you suffer was bad enough, but blimey, if you died? I… I wouldn't know what to do with myself."
"So you figured killing yourself before I died would solve that?" I said. "Then I would have to see you die!"
"I mean, you’re hardly able to get around, so you wouldn't exactly see it."
"Fair point." I sighed.
"Now we are done talking about me, what about you?"
"Well, I think you'll be happy to know that I'm finally working on recovering." I said with a small smile. “Or at least something like that.”
"Oh my god! That's great!" Robin cried as she gave me a big hug. "I'm so proud of you!"
"Haha, finally I'll go through with that promise I made. I've been holding it off long enough."
"About time! Have you been able to start eating three meals a day? Possibly a snack? You do look quite a bit worse though. No offense."
"Well, I’ve been trying to… but I usually can’t finish more than one meal." I laughed nervously. "The others I just pick at… And yea, I know I look worse."
Robin gave me a sad look. “So, does that mean you’ve lost more weight?"
I gave her a guilty smile. I didn’t know if I lost more weight or not, but despite Diana telling me I gained, I knew I had to have lost weight.
"Bloody hell…" Robin sighed. "You're still not eating enough. You know that right?"
"I know…" I admitted. "But I'm trying, I swear."
“I’m happy you’re trying.” Robin smiled. “That’s better than not trying. I know you and your dad made a deal about treatment a while back. What’s going on with that?”
“Everyone knows I’m not working hard enough to save myself in time, so, well, I’m gonna start going to outpatient on Monday. I’ll be there until I can get a bed in inpatient.”
“Ah. I take it you’re not happy about that?” Robin sighed. She could tell I wasn’t happy.
“No. I’m not.” I said quietly. “I don’t want to be forced to do things at a fast pace. Not to mention the weight gain, and having to eat so much.”
“Well, it’ll be better for you that you’re being supervised.” Robin said. “You’re really sick, and need that help. You might find it easier than having to do it at home.”
“That’s fair.” I sighed.
"Well, if you need anyone to push you to eat more, I got you." Robin joked. "You know how much I love food. Maybe I can rub my habits on you. And if you do get a bed in inpatient, I'll make sure to visit you."
"Thanks." I smiled. "That means a lot. Oh and, if I start being a bitch again, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be under a lot of stress."
"Pft, you think I'm not used to that?" Robin laughed. "I know it's not something you mean to do. It's totally cool."
Robin asked me a couple more questions about treatment, and then eventually the conversation switched to the topic of school. I hadn't been in school since I passed out in biology, so it was nice knowing what was going on. Because of my condition, I was technically being pulled out of school temporarily, so I didn’t have to do homework, or keep up with classes.
Eventually, Robin had to head home. Her dad was home early that day, adns he wanted to spend some time with him. Her dad and her were super close, and always spent available time together. After she left, I decided to take my previously planned nap. I ended up sleeping until everyone got home. Once I woke up, it was dinner and Dad was just about to grab me for dinner.
“Oh, good!” He smiled when he saw me. “You’re awake! It’s dinner!”
“Ugh… Yea.” I said, still half asleep. I pulled myself up, and dragged myself to the kitchen. I was so tired after naps, and I hated it. But yet, I still napped quite a bit. Dad had made cheese casserole for a quick dinner. It smelled freaking amazing, but man did it ever raise my anxiety.
You know he made this because he couldn’t make it home to sit with you for lunch. He’s trying to make up for it in calories.
Even though I knew it wasn’t true, it was too tempting to not believe. Dad wasn’t always able to make it home to sit with me on lunch, and sometimes had to leave early, so he couldn’t do it for breakfast either. Usually on those days he would make me take more for dinner, plus a snack. I guess this was one of those days, as he wasn’t able to come home for lunch, so obviously, I didn’t eat.
With the others, I grabbed a plate, and shakily scooped some of the casserole onto my plate. I wasn’t really hungry, so I didn’t take a lot. Dad didn’t see me, and I quickly made my escape to the table, and sat down. I really thought I was in the clear taking such a small amount, but I was quickly proven wrong.
“Diane.” Bella said suddenly. Nervously, I looked up at her. I felt everyone turn and look at me, and then my plate. Immediately they all frowned. “That’s not a proper dinner, and you know it.”
I gave her a guilty smile. I was praying that no one would make me take more. I hadn’t finished breakfast, so I knew Dad was going to be stern with making sure I finished dinner. He always made sure I finished at least one meal. Especially if I skipped one.
“Give me your plate.” Dad demanded as he reached his hand out. Silently, I gave him my plate, and he went and scooped more food onto my plate. It was by no means a lot, but still. The calories in that stuff.
They’re going to make you so fat. You’ve gained weight just by looking at it!
“Here you go.” Dad slid my plate back over to me. I gulped when I saw the amount of food on it. It was too much for me. I secretly regretted not finishing breakfast earlier that day. Oatmeal was so much safer.
“Do I have to finish it?” I asked quietly. “All of it?”
“I’d rather you did, yes.” Dad replied as he sat down with his plate of food. “Just do your best.”
I nodded slowly, before starting to eat with the others. Part of me knew I was probably going to purge after this. Something about that made it that little bit easier to eat. But even with that reassurement, I couldn’t make myself finish all of it. It was too much.
“You done?” Dad asked me as he started picking up everyone’s dishes.
I nodded. “Yea.”
He sighed. “Could you take one more bite? Just one? You didn’t eat much.”
I took another bite before pushing the plate towards him. He said I was good to go, and I announced that I was going for a nap. I didn’t want people to bug me if I was trying to sleep. I dragged myself up the stairs, and was about to head to my room, but Diana had other ideas.
Purge. Now. This isn’t a question. Get your ass over there and get it out.
I debated ignoring her, but in the end headed to the washroom anyway. I knew I was taking a chance heading there straight after a meal, but I didn’t care. I figured I wouldn’t be caught. Or so I thought.
I was halfway through the process of burning my esophagus with bile and stomach acids when I heard someone knock on the door. Shit!!
“Diane? Is that you in there?” It was Bella. “You better not be doing what I think you’re doing.”
“Uh…” I didn’t know how to respond. I still had my fingers in my throat, and by accident, triggered my gag reflex, and ended up puking up a bunch of crap again. Now the thing with purging is that it’s not quiet. It was easy to hear the gagging and stuff coming back up. So by me accidentally puking like that, it was a dead giveaway as to what I was doing.
“DIANE!!” Bella yelled from the other side of the door. “OPEN THE DOOR!! NOW!”
The yelling caught Dad and Jack’s attention, and before I knew it, Dad and Jack were also outside of the door, trying to get me to open the door so they could stop me. At that point, I had nothing left to lose. I just desperately puked up what I could. I was already caught. I figured just getting everything out was my best option, despite it being stupid.
Suddenly, I heard the door open. I was in the middle of getting the last bit out when someone took a hold of me and pulled me away from the toilet. By this point, my vision was hazy, and I could barely make out who was who. I could hear them all trying to get my attention, but there was so much commotion that I couldn’t follow it. Then, out of nowhere, there was a silence, and Bella spoke up. Finally, one voice I could focus on.
“Diane, do you need to go to the hospital?” She asked firmly. “You’re very pale, and don't look too good.”
I shook my head no. “N-no…” I muttered. I knew this feeling was from just puking. I knew I had some major deficiencies at the time, so puking didn’t help those. Especially potassium.
“Are you sure?” Bella asked.
I nodded once again. I heard Bella and the others talking as they practically dragged me to bed. Once I got to bed, I was more with it, and Dad took this as an opportunity to give me a lecture. He made it firm that he was implementing a rule that he’d be watching me an hour after eating from now. And if he couldn’t he’d find someone who could.
After getting lectured, I just decided to call it a day, and sleep. I pulled my blankets over myself. I curled up into a small ball, and almost instantly fell asleep. Dreams started forming whilst I was sleeping. I noticed my dreams were getting more and more bizarre lately. But this dream was really bizarre.
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