The car feels smaller then I know it is.
Lianna sits beside me with the small middle seat between us. If I look slightly to the right, I can see her out the corner of my eyes. There's a small voice telling me to not give in to the temptation. The voice is getting smaller and quieter the further we drive away from the house. Carol and Mom don't notice a thing, not even the awkward silence as we drive down the long road.
We don't live far from the inner city, but sitting inside the humid car with hot wind blowing in my face, it feels like we live miles away from civilization.
The temptation is too great to ignore. When I look her way, an innocent turn of my head to get a better view of the forest beside us, I let my eyes wander over her. She's not paying attention to me. Her eyes are directed to the scenery. Maybe she's faking it. Or maybe I want to pretend she wants me more than she really does.
I'm a loser. A loser who isn't even brave enough to let my true feelings be noticed.
But as the wind blows through her hair, golden strands that whip across the backseat like a whip, I forget all about my problems. There is only her and the aching need to please her in any way I can.
I know that's not the reason I let her pull me into the grand scheme of things. When she showed me what Zoey was doing in the gym with Jack, I already knew I didn't do it because she wanted me to.
It's because I can't get enough of her. She makes the days more exciting than any drug or any other person could ever.
We arrive to the gated apartments. Mom parks in front of the pool and turns around to look at me. Lianna and Carol jump out of the car as if they know Mom want to talk to me. I'm caught between wanting Lianna gone and not wanting to be alone with Mom. Either option is a shot in the foot.
I let my hair fall in front of my face.
"I want you to have fun," she says. Her voice is a little shaky. She's trying to be firm about this. It's not working out great for her.
I stare at my hands.
She gets out and I continue to stare at the cracks in my palms.
The car is quiet. It's the kind of quiet that makes it hard to think.
I sit there thinking about how it would have been easier to stay home, but I made the choice to come along with them. There's a sad thought that it would have been better, happier, for them to enjoy the time without me invading their space. The tiny thoughts are darker than all the others that flicker through my head. Something about them doesn't make it harder to get out of the car or to walk to the gate of the pool. I go along with it even if I feel sick. My head hurts and my eyes are burning.
Allergies. It's anything but sadness.
The pool isn't as crystal clear as I thought it would be. The kids are far in between and the adults are more talkative than all of the teens combined.
The pool is more like a gated water hole inside the confines of an apartment building. Carol has a friend who lives here. She let us in.
Though the words in my head aren't the nicest, I don't car enough to not mutter them under my breath. No one but me hears them.
Lianna gives me the side eye. I panic for a second.
The sun is blazing hot. I kick off my sandals and press the tips of my toes to the cement. They're frying against the heated ground, burning to the point that I'm afraid I might do permanent damage. I pull them away, shake them, and then pore some of my bottled water on them.
My back is facing the sun and them. Mom, Carol, and Lianna. I force my eyes onto the cracks heading toward the edge of the pool. I want to be small enough to fall between them and never be able to get out again.
As I stare at the building surrounding the pool, I shield my face from the sun, my hand hovering above my eyes. I glance only once to my left.
That's when I see her. She's like a golden goddess rising from burnt ashes. I never knew what anyone saw in her until then. But it wasn't just her beauty that makes her the fawn of everyone's fantasies. She has an air about her that makes people want to fall to their knees. She could have anyone.
I don't know what it is about her that makes me have these thoughts. I had thought it was because I was afraid she would destroy me if she ever found out I was one of the masses. Sometimes I wonder if it was twisted envy.
I bit my lip and pinch my wrist. The urge to find the sharpest object and slide it against my pulsing vein makes my blood boil. Under the sun and basking in this heat, I have a bad feeling that I'm swirling around a black hole. I'm on the edge of insanity. Everything up until now has been pushing me closer and closer to the edge of what may be my death.
My eyes close. The sun feeling so nice on my skin. I forget about the upcoming end of my world and the Lianna fiasco. I don't think about what it means to be a person, to be successful, or worry about the future. If I can stay in this moment, I could be happy. I want to stay right here for the rest of my life.
"You're going to burn."
I'm yanked from my pleasant day dream by a sharp voice equivalent to the devil. Lianna leans over me with a bottle of sun tan lotion. She doesn't have a smirk or even a smile on her face. Instead, she looks at me with this kind of intensity that makes my stomach jolt.
I grab a hold of one of the straps that make up the lounge chair. I wrap my fingers around until they meet my palm. I push the tips of my nails into the skin. The pain keeps me anchored. I don't float into a dream about what it would feel like to run my tongue against her wet skin.
Her hair drips droplets of chlorinated water down her neck, through the valley of her breasts, and into the crease of her belly button.
I cough and sit up. I fold my hands over my stomach to hide the lumps and my love handles that are more prominent when I lean back. They shouldn't be called love handles. They're disgusting.
I look at the sun-tan lotion between her hands and then at her face. Her eyes are piercing into me. Without a word, I turn on my side. My heart is racing so much that I don't know what to do except stare wide-eyed at the lawn chair next to me.
I don't expect to feel two hands press against my back.
The cold lotion heats up between my skin and her hands. My shirt rises a few inches, exposing me to her gaze and the sun. I gulp down the fear and let her push my shirt up until she reaches the band of my bikini top.
The moment her hand reaches the strap I turn and grab her hand.
Our eyes meet. "I'm fine."
The words are so hollow that I'm unsure if I even spoke them. They sound like they came from someone else. Like they're a ghost floating in and out of my head. The thoughts ripple like water, disturbed the faintest of touches of my fingers. Her blond hair falls from her face, held back just a little by the hair band. It's slipping free from being wet. We're just looking at one another.
Her hand moves away from my back, around my shoulder, and then to my wrist. I want to pull away, but I also want to feel her tighten her grip. I let myself imagine that she's going to push me back onto the chair. Her hands are going to take my wrists into them, raise them above my head, and she's going to lean into to steal a kiss from my chapped lips.
I snap out of my hazy daydream. The burning in my face isn't just from the sunburn I've already gotten from not taking the needed precaution. She still isn't smiling.
I cock my head, wondering if she's forcing herself to keep the smirk off her face. This seems like the perfect moment for her to pull one over my head. She has to know that she has me right where she wants me. This would be the best opportunity to put me in my place.
Anything she's going to do is interrupted by a deep skinned boy with curly hair. He jogs up to her side soaking wet, shaking his hair to get the water out of his brown hair. The smile on his face is so radiant that I'm blinded for a moment.
She drops my hand and turns. I don't have to see to know she's smiling back at him.
"Sorry!" He says. "Do you want to grab a drink with me? I'll buy."
He jerks a thumb over his shoulder toward the concession stand built up. I look to where he's pointing.
There is only one other teen couple there. They're sharing a drink.
My hands tighten once more on the straps on the lawn chair. Whatever restraint I have left in me blows over. I jerk upright.
Lianna cocks her hip. She rests her hand on her side and flips her wet hair over her shoulder. "Sure."
The word is dripping with sugary hidden meanings. As I look at my feet, pressing the heels into the concrete until they're burning again, I think that I wish she would turn him down. It wouldn't be hard for her to tell him to fuck off. She's done it so many times to Zoey, to guys that don't interest her, and anyone else she doesn't want to be bothered with. Why can't she do it now?
I'll never get an answer.
They walk away from the side of the pool. I look up after them. She doesn't turn to me. She doesn't say a word.
And I still don't know what she wants with me. I thought this was a game she was playing, but the more she invades my space, she makes me think that there's more going on between us.
My skin is peeling. I pick at the skin. The needed pain doesn't help as I thought it would. I thought I could drift away from the pool, away from today, and away from the future if I could find the right amount of pain.
She's the one I need.
My eyes widen for a second before I ease my nerves. I repeat over and over in my head that that is not what I meant. What I meant was that I need her to help me get rid of this feeling.
It still doesn't sound right.
No matter how many ways I reword it, it never sounds like it should.
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